Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I had been already tired when I arrived at Sendai station to go to work. Maybe humidity of this rainy season also affected me. I don't think I worked so hard today, but I'm so stressed, now at home, that I can hardly say any word. These days may be a period when stress level is high and I'm easy to tired from even easiest work. Now I may want to slow down and wait until I become as strong to stress as weeks before.

Sometimes I show my weakness, but I keep on trying to make good things. This is my stance I'm going to take towards positive and negative thoughts. Until I reached this thought, I swang between negative thought to positive thought many times. I tried to think positively as much as possible, but finally I became tired because my thought did not match what I was then, and I began to think even worse. I repeated this over and over again. My mistake was I failed to accept myself who am apt to think negatively sometimes when I tried to think positively. Now I try to think positively again, but I also try to accept myself who easily think negatively.

You live and I live. Nothing is better than that. Being positive correcting my negative thought or being negative by being myself, the solution should be thought taking the first statement into consideration.

On Monday, I worked through, as I was resolved on Sunday. In the morning, I road my road bike a little bit, although I had stiff muscles from Sunday's 30 kilometer ride. Now it's time to prepare bike maintenance kit like flat tire repair kit, portable pump, cleaning tool, and chain lubricant. I'm looking forward the arrive of new bike pants. It's almost one week since I ordered. The shipment was made in China, unlike other orders shipments of which are usually made logistic center of Amazon, in many cases. As the president of my company has been doing, I'm trying to acquiring the habit of keeping future diary. I hope that I'll also acquire preemptive self control by keeping a future diary.

I try to say apostles' creed and the prayer of the Lord, but I can only roar and scream, more than twice a month, in worship services. I can't miss earplug when I enter the chapel, for I can't stand the sound of piano although I kind of like piano and many worship songs. I only can draw circles and squares sometimes when I listen to worship messages. Sometimes I'm able to draw sketches of automobiles, imaginary ones and real ones. I have grown to begin to draw real cars so persons can be in and ride. Until I finish university, I couldn't imagine who would drive my imaginary cars. There were no driver or passengers, almost always, in my car drawing until recently. Is it a grow I even expect that, by behaving oddly, someone saying "you are not a person to be here." Fortunately it doesn't happen. If my energy were infinite, I would behave also on Sunday I would make efforts to speak words of human and what I think I fully participate in worsh...

What effort am I going to make? Remember well the despair when I couldn't say my name in a job fair. I was so nervous that I even couldn't take a step. There appeared to be no hope, because I was totally incapable of communicating to any business, although I was getting used to life in university after about four years of dropout. Remember the despair when my job training term was over, just having gotten used to acquire working habit, but having gotten no clue of how to communicate with business. It was not until after a few years I got my current job, and I took a small part in a business that communication is as important as performance. Remembering these despairs, the mission not many people but me can do, perhaps, is to leave a message to students and young adults who are experiencing same despairs.

I'm stuck with things of past. This is one reason I have hard time with cleaning up my room. I have some VHS video tapes which amount a full cardboard box. Some of them are about skiing, and some of them are TV programs spotlighting developmental disabilities. I haven't viewed them for more than 10 years, and although I feel like missing them, I can't imagine myself viewing back these videos. I'm thinking that it's time to disposing of these video tapes.