Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

On a train I was reading Bible verses around 1 Corinthians chapter 4 and wasn't sure what the word "spectacle" means. I looked up a dictionary but I still wasn't sure. Instead I found a phrase "make a spectacle of oneself". I flashed back to the first year I entered elementary school. In a classroom, I was crying and screaming like a thing "If you don't want me to be here, I might as well as disappear." Teacher said "He (I) is just making a spectacle of himself. Just don't care and ignore him." Later, by the time I became a young-adult, I had come to have a self-image that "I tend to make a spectacle of myself when I felt lonely and wanted to draw attention." I didn't know even after I enter university how to start communication if I wanted to find a friend. People who I called friends was really carers and helpers brought me out of loneliness though the trouble I caused when I was at a loss in a new situation or...

Since about a week ago, I've made up my mind that update this blog every day at least for a month. This is one example of persistence in a thing everyone can do once or two times, which I've learned from what a mail from a board member puts. I was just writing about it, rather in a negative way, that I've been struggled with doing things ordinary people can do easily, and sometimes I barely acquire the skill to do it over a lot of trial-and-errors. I originally thought that my article be posted more negative and tragic manner to draw attentions. When I'm stuck, I looked at my Japanese blog and then a list of entries by my fellow bloggers. She makes it a rule that she say only positive things, that is, she tries to see things she experiences in positive respects. She introduced us one bible verse, Let no corrupting talk com out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.(Ephesians 4:2...

I'm coming down with cold. Pain and stiffness and weariness of my entire body, although I has less cough, has become severer than yesterday. I had to give up participating in a session of city-held meeting for young-adults with developmental disabilities. I has been looking forward to listening to the views of participants some of which are quite unique. Giving up in the 10km road race in Kakuda (a city in the South of Miyagi) should be taken into consideration, at this pace of recovery and shortage of training before I catch cold. If I rest as long as possible instead of engaging in other leisure activities there is still a large hope to be better and continue to go to work.

My cold made my coffee bitterer. Being in good shape make daily coffee tastier, especially with enough sleep, although a cup of coffee have the effect of awakening.

When I thought about and began to write about experiences when I was elementary school, in which I met difficulty in meeting the requirements from teachers and other children and which I guess well describe what difficulty I'm likely to meet in my daily living, I noticed that I have small vocabulary on daily life in a elementary school. I guess it's because I didn't learning English when I was in elementary school. I realized the need of boost of vocabulary related with daily lives in elementary school. Webpages like this ( http://web-japan.org/kidsweb/explore/schools/q9.html ) will help explaining what my elementary school was like.

My boss told that it's very important never to quit all the time as far as possible, when you find yourself feel bad, sick, or weak. When I feel good, I feel that my body and brain work as powerful as if I could work out with difficult mathematics theory, and when I feel bad, I feel so weak that I find myself being in difficulty with understanding and pronouncing the most simple words at a proper speed. I've been lucky enough to succeed to continue going to work since I landed my current job 35 months ago. Through this period I experienced many times I felt so bad that I couldn't help uttering to myself irrelevant words and rocking and rolling and shaking my arms and legs many times, but it was really fortunate that all these hard times happened not to reach the collapse as serious as I have to give up. As going to work when I feel week and not smart is very important, so may continue my blog post daily be.

I cleaned several plastic bags in my room. There are still books and other things untidily laid on the floor and in the pile of cardboard boxes. By the way I thought people call a container bag only when it has handles on its top. I knew any flexible container with opening on the top can be called a bag for the first time.

At that time I thought I was too tired to put anything in even a word. All what I could let someone listen was just humming from my lips and incessant noises of my micro steps when I arrive at the chapel for the bible-study and prayer meeting. When the prayers ended even I was surprised that I put my entire prayer into words which the pastor and I understood (in my native Japanese language). I wonder how many word I can come up with for the rest of the day. It's after half past 9 PM when I'm being set for sleep.

I've just begun to ask 5W1H question (to myself) when listening to podcast radio news at the age reaching 40, just like Edison (I heard through his biography) went on asking people why when he was a child. I've come to think that it's time I read an biography of him, and ordered one to deliver to my kindle.

Since I was in university, I had read the discussion on the sits about developmental disabilities and gotten a feeling of bond when participants wrote about the experiences of difficulties they felt. I thought these experiences were similar to ones in my childhood. In elementary school I intended and tried to be a good boy. Every morning I set out for school, I made up my mind that maybe today I "behave" perfectly, and "show high performance in classes", ending up in the end of that day I found myself cried many times, for being scolded or bumping into troubles. At that times I didn't really have an exact idea of what to behave is like. I thought that standing straight with all my strength may be related to behaving well. I meant to stand straight with all my power, and the teacher says "no one here stands straight". I meant to do it with all my best! Twenty years later, I suddenly got an idea. I was thinking almost only about better ski...

When I write a blog in Japanese, I write as often as possible when something I want to tell is in mind. Whether it's right or not is, although it may be important, the second thing coming into consideration. I also care about whether what I'm going to tell is not going to heart someone. Writing mainly about the "fact" about what happen inside me I think have low risk of hurting someone else. Not judging what happened, but just telling what happened inside.

I've been mentally out of shape for a month because of the stress before and after an English test. I didn't care much about my English proficiency. This wasn't quite a problem for my daily life. The thing I was really worried about was the testing situation. The regulation of the test was too specific for a person with mental illness (even though good enough to go to work every day with some medication and mental support). When the test ended I lay on the desk, and when I was set to leave, the test room was empty. Five minutes had passed since dismissed and all the examinees had already left. I thought I could recover in a week if I took enough left. It really took a month to recover as not to babble often "I'm going to die". Anyway the long period it takes for me to recover from strong daily stress is nothing new. Now I just think I'm glad I'm likely to survived this time too.