Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I had been already tired when I arrived at Sendai station to go to work. Maybe humidity of this rainy season also affected me. I don't think I worked so hard today, but I'm so stressed, now at home, that I can hardly say any word. These days may be a period when stress level is high and I'm easy to tired from even easiest work. Now I may want to slow down and wait until I become as strong to stress as weeks before.

Sometimes I show my weakness, but I keep on trying to make good things. This is my stance I'm going to take towards positive and negative thoughts. Until I reached this thought, I swang between negative thought to positive thought many times. I tried to think positively as much as possible, but finally I became tired because my thought did not match what I was then, and I began to think even worse. I repeated this over and over again. My mistake was I failed to accept myself who am apt to think negatively sometimes when I tried to think positively. Now I try to think positively again, but I also try to accept myself who easily think negatively.

You live and I live. Nothing is better than that. Being positive correcting my negative thought or being negative by being myself, the solution should be thought taking the first statement into consideration.

On Monday, I worked through, as I was resolved on Sunday. In the morning, I road my road bike a little bit, although I had stiff muscles from Sunday's 30 kilometer ride. Now it's time to prepare bike maintenance kit like flat tire repair kit, portable pump, cleaning tool, and chain lubricant. I'm looking forward the arrive of new bike pants. It's almost one week since I ordered. The shipment was made in China, unlike other orders shipments of which are usually made logistic center of Amazon, in many cases. As the president of my company has been doing, I'm trying to acquiring the habit of keeping future diary. I hope that I'll also acquire preemptive self control by keeping a future diary.

I try to say apostles' creed and the prayer of the Lord, but I can only roar and scream, more than twice a month, in worship services. I can't miss earplug when I enter the chapel, for I can't stand the sound of piano although I kind of like piano and many worship songs. I only can draw circles and squares sometimes when I listen to worship messages. Sometimes I'm able to draw sketches of automobiles, imaginary ones and real ones. I have grown to begin to draw real cars so persons can be in and ride. Until I finish university, I couldn't imagine who would drive my imaginary cars. There were no driver or passengers, almost always, in my car drawing until recently. Is it a grow I even expect that, by behaving oddly, someone saying "you are not a person to be here." Fortunately it doesn't happen. If my energy were infinite, I would behave also on Sunday I would make efforts to speak words of human and what I think I fully participate in worsh...

What effort am I going to make? Remember well the despair when I couldn't say my name in a job fair. I was so nervous that I even couldn't take a step. There appeared to be no hope, because I was totally incapable of communicating to any business, although I was getting used to life in university after about four years of dropout. Remember the despair when my job training term was over, just having gotten used to acquire working habit, but having gotten no clue of how to communicate with business. It was not until after a few years I got my current job, and I took a small part in a business that communication is as important as performance. Remembering these despairs, the mission not many people but me can do, perhaps, is to leave a message to students and young adults who are experiencing same despairs.

I'm stuck with things of past. This is one reason I have hard time with cleaning up my room. I have some VHS video tapes which amount a full cardboard box. Some of them are about skiing, and some of them are TV programs spotlighting developmental disabilities. I haven't viewed them for more than 10 years, and although I feel like missing them, I can't imagine myself viewing back these videos. I'm thinking that it's time to disposing of these video tapes.

In the last half of this week, I was hard to make a decision. I was also hard to calm down after work, in which I need concentration. This is from stress. Now I have a new pastime of bicycling. Now it's weekend, so I'll put aside things I have to think on weekdays and ride as long as possible, if weather permitting. Riding a countryside a few kilometer away from home is unexpectedly fun. The scenery seem nothing special, but with the sound of wind with a ride around 20 kph makes variations of scenery even more dramatic.

To ease saddle sore when I ride a road bike, I'm improving my pelvic tilt. When I was jogging slowly conscious of my pelvic tilt which I consider desirable for a ride, jogging speed was up with slower movement. The load to heart was in accordance with my jogging speed. I thought that I want to get used to right pelvic tilt suitable for sports like bicycling and, running skiing.

Monthly team meeting at my workplace in the afternoon, and monthly meeting for adults with developmental disabilities after work. I had two meetings yesterday. This exceeded my capacity, and I was so tired that could hardly speak in the beginning of the latter meeting. The success of the first meeting had made me underestimate the influence of my tiredness after a meeting. Now I took a half holiday, and I still find myself tired and hard to settle myself calm. In this afternoon, I'm going to work. I hope I'll be able to stay corm and retain attention moderately.

Reducing things in my room: Classifying things by importance: A. Essential things I definitely have to keep B. Not essential but I might be a bit trouble if I don't have them B2. Not essential, I can do without them, but I view them relatively often. C. I don't view often, but I enjoy viewing when I view. These may be useful for my pastime.

I order citric acid supplement 3 months a month. Recently I ordered one package yesterday. I had to pay a little bit more than I had bought last time. Today when I saw Amazon, the supplement was on sale at the same price as I had bought previously. It looks like that prices of goods I buy regularly vary real time in Internet shopping, as well as shopping at a supermarket.

Since I got a new road bike, I want to get used to road bike style as soon as possible, yet it's rainy day in this time of this year in Japan. I want to 'hunt' fine weather morning and add my riding experience, so writing will be lower priority in a few weeks.

New road bike I got yesterday becoming a good new stimulus. I'm less likely to waste time on the internet or video game so much now, because I'm looking forward to life with a sports bicycle. I have to maintenance my bike and get used to a riding posture fit for a road bike. Maybe I have to add some more equipments for riding. I hope this stimulus is also good for my work-life balance.

The road bike I had ordered in the beginning of June. I rode home from 15 kilometers the shop. The bike was faster than I had expected, but I was not. First, I don't have the power and stamina I had when I was a student. When I road uphill, I thought the bike was unexpectedly light, but when I finish climbing hill and measured my heart rate, I knew I had been using my full power. Second, I was so scared of the speed that I was gripping the brake almost always when I was riding downhill. Third, the position of road bikes is quite different from ordinary bicycle, even from cross bikes, which I had had, and another kind of sports bicycle. This was my first time I road a bicycle with a drop handlebar. I couldn't get used to the suitable (forced) position for this handle bar, with a posture tilted forward. My palms and hips had pain easily, with handlebar and saddle I'm not accustomed to. I had thought that 15 kilometers was not so long for a bicycle, but by the time I got...

My speech and writing is getting better day by day through work. When I was a student, I studied a lot but I could hardly speak or write. I was always stumbling and missing the point. Through working experience these years, I have been required to account for my work daily, weekly, and monthly in person, by email and the blog of the company. The idea that I have been saved by the company mission and I will have to grow to be able to act and speak in line with the company philosophy has given me the idea of what to write. This has improve my speech and writing.

These days, I've gotten harder to speak. I often stumble some easy routine words at work. Also sometimes I'm easier to get short-tempered. I haven't noticed this until I got irritated when talking with city branch office staff yesterday. These signs are probably signs of stress. I need to calm down at home after work, and hopefully I will have sleep as long as possible. Years ago, I didn't even notice signs of tiredness. It was not until I took a job course for people with mental disability that there's a way to notice signs of tiredness before it gets more serious.

This morning I took half holiday and did a few application tasks at city branch office. In the afternoon, I go to work. In the morning I was so tired that I lacked concentration. In the afternoon, I will do my best to keep on working in the long run.

I have never read a QR code because I seldom use mobile devices. Today I tried if I can read because I wanted information about my underwear. When I searched what looked like the product code there was no entry. The only key was a QR code on its product tag. I installed a Google Chrome extension and an app on Windows to read it. I also took a photo of the code. When I tried to read the code, the apps couldn't read well. The code on the photo wasn't clear enough and it was slightly bent. Maybe better scanner or mobile devices are able to read vague or bent code like this, but my attempt to get information through QR code on my undergarment won't be likely to be successful.

My first language and I can read some books written English. My work to do then is bring my Japanese fellows fruits of my reading. I read some books on autism spectrum. I sometimes read RFC and documents on web servers. Yet recently I have hardly write something useful in Japanese, although almost all my speech is in Japanese, except for my mumbles when walking on a road and listening to English newscasts. Probably I should have a plan to give substantial articles, and then divide into tasks so that I can take up sequentially.

I heard news that Tohoku area entered rainy season. I feel a little bit down and my work performance is also a little bit down. I'm looking forward to the next sunny day, hoping bicycling around my home area.

I like to sketch imaginary and real cars with a ballpoint pen. When I drew an imaginary car, I didn't think of drivers and passengers. I even couldn't imagine drivers and passengers when I draw cars, for example, when I was 20 years old. These days things has been changed. I have begun drawing persons, and along with this when I draw an imaginary car, I have started to draw its space for drivers and passengers.

Swimming grading test will be held in a swimming pool near home, where I go swimming in on Saturdays for the first Sunday in July. I'm thinking of taking Grade 2. To pass the test I have to swim 100m individual medley in 2 minutes. (Time criteria changes by grades and ages) If I'm able to swim backstroke and breaststroke, which are the slower styles, in 2 minutes respectively, I'm more likely to pass. Today I tried backstroke. It took 2 minutes and 22 seconds. Much slower than expected. I didn't have the energy to try another style in the same distance. Instead I practiced freestyle and breaststroke for a change. When I swam breaststroke 50m it took 1'03, which is faster than my backstroke of the same distance. My heart rate went up more than 160 bpm. When I swam freestyle 50m it took much the same time, but it cost much less energy and my heart rate was about 130 bpm. I need to raise total performance to pass the test, but especially I felt that there i...

Resting before roaming around the Web. This is a new policy so that I can have a better rest and sleep at night. I often roam around websites in my pastime at night, and I have believed that browsing the Web for fun is a way of having a rest. However, it isn't a rest at all, in that I hardly recover from my tiredness after work, preventing me from good sleep. I'd like to set this a rule, but browsing the Web for fun is so addictive that I'm not sure how much it will work. Keeping this rule in this mind, I hope, may make some difference. 

Primarily Be The Place Members Can Share Their Worries - This is a regional association of adults with developmental disabilities I go monthly. In recent years members has come to have desires to communicate its activity to outside. Some members including I couldn't fully follow their topics about communications, so it has missed a few members for a long time. On top of that, they didn't agree what to communicate outside. What to communicate is strongly linked with the core of the association, but it wasn't easy to describe the mission, the purpose, the goal of it. Through discussion which I missed many time, the association should be, and is the place adults with developmental disabilities and with a lot of worries and stress feel free to come. In this way the primary goal of the association become the place to feel free to share their worries. This is the start point of the association, and I think this is the start point of communication with outside people.

Up and down of my condition affects my thought. When I feel good my thought becomes much positive, but when I feel bad I even feel that my positive thought I thought the other day is not what I think now, and feel stress to put that forward.

Today I finished my duty and finally I was back home, but my energy is hardly left. Probably yesterday's lack of sleep worked badly on me. It is difficult to balance activity so that I get sleepy when I want to sleep.

These days I have been feeling that I kind of like answering phone calls although I'm not still good at it. This is probably because it is one good example of my case where I have made the impossible possible. When I first met with a therapist in Sendai 10 years ago, it took 15 minutes to say my name from when I was asked to speak.

I have to be grateful for the opportunity to learn English in junior high school and high school. Also I have to be grateful for my good memory. Although I didn't like very much the way teachers teach English, but, after all, I remember vocabulary and grammar I learned more than 20 years ago, and this knowledge is beginning to take power in what I read and what I write through deep learning. I have to admit that I don't know some basic expression and I also make a lot of grammatical and vocabulary mistake, but certainly, learning experiences of more than 20 years ago have been as useful as knowledge I've obtained recently. Most learning experiences recently, I have just noticed, actually has been repetition of those of at that time, when I was in school where learning English was compulsory.

Making an order for a road bicycle was the biggest event today for me. The bike will come in 10 days to 2 weeks. Also I took the the Tozai line, new subway line in Sendai for the first time. In the morning, I went to a mental clinic for doctor's advice and anti-anxiety medication, but the clinic was closed because the doctor there was attending a conference. It wasn't planned visit, so this closure itself wasn't much of shock, but I had had to walk more than 1 kilometer longer from the station rapid trains stop instead of I usually use to go to the clinic, and I had been already upset, so I was shocked from two things unexpected.

Last half of the week, I sometimes almost can't help crying out loud. Also, sometimes I notice that I'm mumbling something like "I'm going to die." Since I began to post here every day, I have been keeping on writing about this mental state when I'm tired. Today, however, I recalled one interesting thing. This tendency of behavior of my tongue that I have stated in the beginning reminds me of when I was jogging or bicycling uphill hoping to reach the pass. When I'm on the way of uphill, I often scream, and even I say to myself something like that "I'm going to die". Having said that, it doesn't me I'm unhappy there, even though climbing hill is so hard that I can't help screaming and sometimes screaming something about death. It's just that it's so tough that I shout out loud. It make me breathless, but strangely, this hard uphill work even make me kind of happy, with a feeling that overcoming this situation. In t...

Shouting, what I feel like now. I'm doing well, but far from keeping up, by myself, with the amount I have to cope with my circumstances like living independent life, cleaning up my room, and doing work other average people of my age do. One thing I change is that I begin to be grateful for my parents, my employer, my co-workers, and support staff. Another thing is that I began small things to improve my situation. Yesterday I was so upset that I couldn't make any progress but do minimum daily work and sleep as much as my mind and body demands. Today my energy is a little bit recovered. I began again to do scan old documents in my room and restarted studying the Web technologies.

I shouldn't have make light of the fatigue from tasks of the end and beginning of the month!! In this morning I felt empty and only time passed until breakfast, although I had waken up by 6:00 a.m. I also had stiff muscle. Walking about 2 kilometers a day these days may be a cause of my tiredness this morning as well as the monthly tasks. Years ago, jogging 2 kilometer daily was not so hard for me, and now just walking this much cause my stiff muscle and mental fatigue which make me much impatient and distressed. What a shame! Fortunately I slowed the pace of the work and I managed to work through for today. I should be more careful of signs of stress, such as time passes too fast or I'm compelled to check many times if there's something left behind when I leave train.

When I'm mentally fatigued, I tend to delay things. At home there's no choice to delay meals, but I sometimes delay, and the worst problem is that I often delay my sleep. "I'm too tired to decide to go to bed." This is quite a problem, cause me even more tired, and delay sleep on the next day. Vicious circle.

1.8km walk in the morning. Wake up was 4:50 a.m. I felt greatly sleep. I dozed again until 6 a.m. Last day at work it looked like I was too agitated. I didn't feel like sleeping until 11 a.m. last night. In the walk I went to a convenience store to check new issues of comic magazines. It was a little windy outside, blue sky and a bit of stripe clouds. The train seemed to run on time. I'm excited to the work on the beginning day in the new month, but I need to control my excitement as well as my pace, for my mental stability and physical health.