Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Swimming in the breaststroke, I want to open my arms wide, just because it is the most efficient way to get my shoulder advanced, and center of gravity. When I was young, I had imitated how wide the arms were open, but I haven't understood why, that is the purpose of its arm stroke.

My focus of this month, September 2020, here was the number of posts, whatever the quality of each post might be. This month has already passed more than half way through, and I issued only 11 posts against what I had planed 50 posts. From this perspective I haven't done very well for my focus for this month. To improve this situation, I don't want to keep to myself what I felt and learned in my everyday life.

The problem was I didn't want to be found. I was advised, "If you want to success with SEO (Search Engine Optimization), you want to focus on 'How do you want to be searched and found on the web'". When I opened this blog, I didn't really want it to be found, although it was a bit discouraging to find that no visitor came in the first month. Now, 11 years after I opened this blog, I have a few visitors here in a week. Now it may be time to take it seriously that how my contents want to be found - with what keywords - and how to welcome visitors.

Shutdown at the entrance of my local church, at 10:35 a.m. Sunday service starts at 10:30 a.m. I had limped before I reach near the church. I shouted out loud and collapsed at the entrance of the church when a worship song started. I felt the sound as if electricity had run through my body. It took 5 minutes to stand again, when a kid ran to me, concerning about myself. I recalled my language and told him that I was O.K. I told him that I fell just because the sound struck me out. Certainly I was down in this Sunday morning, and too down to walk straight. The sound is too loud. Is it because of high humidity of today's weather? Yesterday it poured all the day long around Sendai. I changed my schedule on Saturday, and went to a local indoor pool around noon right after I visited a mental clinic. Usually, on Saturday and Sunday, I go to the pool at 3 p.m and swim for one and a half hour. I changed my schedule on Saturday because it was expected, according to weather forecasts, to rai...

Write something. I say to myself when open the blog console, but I have no idea to write. When I come up with a "wonderful idea", I'm not ready for noting it and forget it with time passing by.

I have been learning  The C Programming Language by Kernighan and Ritchie since this May. I studied C, the programming language at numerical calculation class of university and have already know basic syntax of it and how to compile. However, I know little about how the language have deeper access to particular hardware architecture. Neither had I known more than a little about how it was used to program UNIX and UNIX-like operation systems such as Linux. Just recently, I have had a desire to know deeply about how Linux and other UNIX-like os which can run on the hardware I have, and learning deeply about the language from the basic is the essential part to achieve this. Reading the first tens of pages, I thought that I had already known most of things written on these pages. However I realized that I haven't been familiar enough with it. Advancing to next pages anyway can be a good idea, but finally I decided, "Why don't I try inputting the sample codes, compiling them, ...

It often happens to me that I don't come up with anything to write. No surprise. I often doesn't come up with what to say when I'm asked to introduce myself. It happened so many times that all I could do was stand still, blushing, frozen and stutter when I was asked for some comment. It even happened when all I had to do was saying my name. Of course, I don't think I really forgot my name, but at least I couldn't say it. This shows that the reason I can't say anything isn't always I don't know the perfectly right words.  In this case, I even know the exact word - my name. (Perhaps I may be embracing the desire that I would have been anyone else. Anyway, when I can't say my name, I often don't like myself very much.) As well as I sometimes have try hard to say my name, I often have to make extra effort to say what I'm in mind. Knowing right words might help lot, but it can be a double-edged sword. Although it may be definitely necessary to kno...

You have perhaps already gotten through more than half the way out of suffering, if you are able to explain well enough about you and any disability. What the disability has to do with you. I have been thinking this way after the vain attempt to explain who I am, how I have been suffered, and what I have had to do with autism spectrum disorder. It was 27 years ago I knew about high function autism through a book by Donna Williams. The doctor I met with after I became mentally wreck referred to the book to describe difficulties in my daily life. A teacher and parents took me the mental hospital after I got almost unable to understand the natural course students are supposed to do at high school, and absent from it for a few days. I even forgot if I had eaten breakfast or lunch in the morning at that time. It was soon after then that many books from authors with high function autism or Asperger's syndrome were bestseller. I was thinking that I would be successful as one of followers ...

Recently I have been writing documents with which I teach fellow engineers a certain network technology. I use the assistance of PowerPoint slideshow. Still, I need the script to give a smooth lecture. When I improve the script, I make it a rule to read it out loud, record it, and listen it back. If there are some unnatural expressions, I usually notice when recording, without waiting for completing the recording and listening back. With this great power of improvement of recording my own speech, I'm beginning to think "Why don't I take advantage of this in order to enhance my blog contents."

In my childhood, I was always drawing pictures of automobiles. Even after I go to elementary school, my notebooks and even textbooks were full of pictures of cars. I sometimes draw people and some character of comics, but automobiles were more than 10 times of such drawings. With severer exhaust gas emission regulation in the late 1970s and early 1980s, up-to-date cars then became less powerful than early 1970s. Since I was always viewing data books of automobiles, this decline of engine power disappointed me a lot, even though I was too young to feel the change of power by driving them by myself. Still exteriors of brand-new cars were all the same attractive. At that time, I preferred Nissan to Toyota, because the former had cars I liked very much; Nissan Skyline [Wikipedia] , Bluebird [Wikipedia] , and so on. Even after I came of age, it took really long time before some cars are available for me with my earning and saving. Once I saved money to buy a car, almost all my hero cars has...

I don't always remember my strong point. Actually, it's especially easy for me to forget my strong point when I have free time to write for myself. Instead, I tend to remember my negative sides, pessimistic thoughts. The reason for this is probably because I'm not able to describe with my own words. Even when I have relatively clear ideas with which I'm assertive, because I don't know the right word for me to describe. Finally I totally give up communicating. With the fact that I don't know the right word for describe myself, it's time to face up with the fact of the lack of vocabulary. It's not enough at all to get full mark of a particular language test, to get full mark in the test of describe myself fully. In order to overcome this, I'm thinking of reading books more frequently, taking advantage of free copies of classics available in Kindle.

Just after I set up the OS of my Raspberry Pi 4, I tried to connect to it via SSH from my PC. I generated and installed keys via scp with the PuTTY suite. PuTTYgen and pscp. Recently OpenSSH on Windows 10 has already been available, so why didn't I use this? One reason, unfortunately, is language mismatch. First I just tried the ssh command on the PowerShell of my Windows 10 PC just as I would do on a Linux host with OpenSSH. Voila! Looks like a ssh client has already been ready for work. I accepted the host key and connected. Some output didn't display properly. I looked up for problem and it's because of Japanese encoding mismatch from the initial setting of my Windows 10 PC. Fortunately, with PuTTY, everything, including Japanese displayed properly, so I decided to set up for PuTTY first. I learned that the format of key pairs varies from SSH server and client, for example the default name of RSA secret key for OpenSSH is "id_rsa" and one for PuTTY is "id_...

It was not until Sunday that I began assembly and setup of my Raspberry Pi 4, although it had already arrived on Friday. I start assembling the heat sinks, the fan, and the case.  I connected to the monitor of my main desktop PC with the HDMI cable, but not having really known how to change input for the monitor, when I powered on the Pi with the install media inserted, I couldn't see any graphic from it. I connected to my TV, changed cable and waited for a while. I confirmed both ends of the connector connected firmly. With a few trial-and-errors its graphic finally showed up. I installed Raspbian, the default OS, with the guide of installer. I set the language of system Japanese, but I haven't installed Japanese input method. Well, it's of lower priority. My priority is setting up SSH, connecting from my PC and setting up public key authentication, then setting up a web server, perhaps trying docker and its containers. Next, I'm setting up SSH on my Pi.

When I was at elementary school, the classroom and interaction with my classmates and schoolmates was usually pain for me. As I didn't want to repeat pain of troubles and failures, I tried to be a good boy from the beginning of every school day. I always came up with miserable result, finding myself crying from being rebuked by a teacher or bumping into trouble with other boys at school. In most case, I couldn't remember what was wrong. More than 100 times, some classmates said that the class didn't need me. One of my limited comforts at school was viewing railroad cars at the southeast corner of the ground of the school. The Tohoku line was running beside the school. Although express trains didn't run any more, after Shinkansen, running further east of our city, was in operation, square, massive, and powerful figure of trains encouraged me a lot. I enjoyed to speak details of railroad cars running then and ones of the past, having known by picture books in the second l...

 It was when I was an elementary student that the first three episodes of Dragon Quest series, one of the most popular computer games in Japan. This series also made the genre of computer role playing popular, and many follower games were on market. When I play Dragon Quest or other roll playing game, I had hard time with decide the name of the hero and other characters. Many computer role playing game prompt us to enter the name of player characters, and in some game we are advised to enter the player's own name for the hero, because players play the role of the hero. I didn't want to enter my name, because before I play myself Dragon Quest, I saw a few classmates playing the game and the hero of them died so often. I didn't want to see the character with my name were killed so often. Just a few days after I began this blog in September 2009, I didn't totally face up with the fact, and made that post.: From my past post The first day I played my favorite RPG "Drag...

Dragon Quest - one of the most famous computer roll playing in Japan. I refer to this explicitly probably for the first time here. I implicitly told an episodes or two when I first start blogging. They were one of those stuffs the least I want to remember! Well, like other classmate boys, I was a fan of Dragon Quest when I was elementary school. The first episode was published in 1985, when I was 11 years old. I didn't own the first two episode, Dragon Quest and Dragon Quest II, I borrowed them from my friends.

 Write, write and write. Post, post, and post. And I'm going to win [_blank_]. I want to make this the tactics for this month. I will see the strategy for the next after I see the result. To explain more seriously, I'm not sure what I really want to write about and I'm really good at, until I finish writing certain amount, say 100 entries or 20,000 words. I'm also looking forward to unexpected writing even when I feel like incapable of writing anything. Even now, I'm being surprised that I'm writing something at least partially, if not entirely, making sense, because I was so exhausted that I was thinking I can't write anything that make sense just before I began to write this. I know, however, I'm not able to tell what I really mean to tell. When I was at elementary school and junior high school, classmates often implied me that they don't understand at all what I was saying, by saying to me, "Speak Japanese". That literally means that ...

I take a pill or two every. I get medication for high blood pressure. I also take the pill to mitigate anxiety. Last month I was away from exercise, because almost all days were daily. It wasn't good condition at all to go cycling, and it discouraged me from going out for jogging. Once or twice a week, I went out for a walk with my umbrella up. Each time the distance I walked was only about a kilometer whereas when the weather is fine, I jog three times a week, for each time 2 to 4 kilometers. In August the weather got much better, so I make it a rule to go out for swimming for each weekend, and go out for either cycling or jogging early in the morning as long as possible. In July, I didn't gain weight than I had expected for lack of exercises, but interestingly I gain one or two kilograms after I regularly do exercises.

You may want to remember and express your strength briefly, if you are focusing too much on your week point to remember your strong point. What is my strong point? I'm interested in the root knowledge of information technologies, and I haven't given back blogging in foreign language, since I began ten years ago. In 2008 I was under job training for people with disabilities. Co-trainees who had mental illness but not on the autism spectrum are more likely to find a job early, but ones who were on the spectrum like me have a hard time with finding a job. I myself tried hard to raise the performance, speed and accuracy of data entry work outsourced to the training office I go to. I however didn't take any action by myself to find what work and what office are more likely to match my personality, my skills I've already acquired, and my interest. I totally depended on counselors, job trainers, and helpers there to find my strength and the place which I work at and help with ...

I ordered Raspberry Pi 4 starter kit taking advantage of a time sale. It cost a bit more than 10,000 yen. Looks like power supply, micro SD storage, OS installers, HDMI cable are all included. Since 3 month ago, I've wanted to get a Linux host at hand, to test SSH connection and port forwarding, virtualization like docker, and test web server with CMS like WordPress. This recent version seems to be powerful enough to serve as a desktop, but my first priority is testing a Linux server at a local network.

Empty bottles related to coffees are easy to scatter. I realized again that remembering the date of garbage collection of every kind is important to keep my room tidy. This morning I washed two empty bottles of instant coffee and two empty cans of canned coffees. Instant coffee is easy to deteriorate through rainy season and long time after I opened, so it was not good idea to buy a big package of refill because it looks cheap for its amount. Considering keeping your space clean and neat is the first step of housework, remembering the day of garbage collection of your area perhaps is the very first step of it. Turning back to my room, it's far from neat and tidy. Although I disposed a lot of waste, still I barely see the floor of my room, which is scattered with books, cloths, and sheets of scribbles. I'm too attached to some of them to dispose of as wastes, because most of them are things related to my memories of when I was university student, and when I was regarded as a pro...

These days, thanks to a lot of blog posts that suggest how to grow and get success from a blog. Helping someone, and as many people as possible with its contents are the key for success. A good blog also always thinks of and talks to target viewers. Since I began this blog 11 years ago, it's a great disadvantage that I know few real people who speak English (in addition I know not so many people total, even who speak Japanese, my native language). An enlightening idea taught me that I was wrong. I was told by that idea, "You can and may want to help you in the past, who went through great failures or troubles. You only have to tell the lesson you learned from those miserable experiences." According to that concept, the effort I want to make is figure out and describe my past mistakes, troubles and lessons I learned from those. This is much more realistic than trying to know more people, which would be much less likely successful.

Since November, 2013 until November, 2019, I have posted here almost every day. The policy, the priority was posting every day. I didn't pay much attention to the quality of each post. Most of the posts were of low quality. They were even lower than those of diaries of elementary school kid. Well, I even hesitated and shied away from writing "I'm tired from work and train.". This stance hasn't helped me grow this blog. Then should I consider quality of posts more? I would answer no. Although posting every day didn't help this blog grow, but at least I had acquired the habit to write something even when I had no idea before I quit blogging last year. When I was blogging every day, my proficiency was too low to care about what to write and quality of my writings. I'm learning that the quality of blog posts is about how they help people who want and search information. Having missed this perspective then, it was too early to think about quality of posts. I ha...

In April, 2005 I came and live this home in Sendai with my parents from Sapporo. Although it was current home of my parents, it wasn't the region that I was brought up. When I studied at a university in Sapporo, they moved there from my hometown. When I myself was moved there in Sendai, I had just finished my master's degree, but I was too shy to say anything at a job interview. In fact I even didn't reach one. At job fairs, I was frozen and shutdown, extremely scared of job hunting.

At first, when I opened this blog in 2009, I didn't blogging so seriously, in the sense that I tell someone else about myself. My priority then was, leaving a few smallest footsteps by me on the Web. Even posting those humble posts in the beginning of my blog , it took me unbelievably great courage to do so. I was, and is so shy. [From the end of 2013 I kept up my mind that I post a blog entry at least once a day. This habit has continued until now.] At the mid of 2013, I made up my mind to post something on this blog, however trivial and meaningless it may be. In the meantime, I got rather inactive on my Japanese blog, because motivating blog friends reached next stage of their lives and graduated from blogging. [This happens in 2019] Thanks valuable encounters from Web search, to improve blog, I'm learning to be more candid. On the other hand, I had to say goodbye to a blog service I was familiar with, Yahoo! Japan blog. There I met a lot of blog friends. I liked its s...

With my personality, communication for itself easily wear me out. Just for communication is hard to be my motivation, unlike people who really like and enjoy and seek any kind of communication as often as possible. It goes against my personality. Instead I prefer to probe many field of knowledge, in some field deeper, and in some feel not so deep but wide. I like to know and understand, even if there are no one to tell. In this way, I reached this conclusion. I will continue to learn foreign languages, even if I have never a chance and no one to talk to. This is what I thought in October, 2019. I was busy, and to be honest stressed out while preparing for Abilympics. At that time, I was extremely easily to get tired out after I meet someone else. I was seeking opportunities to talk with adults on the autism spectrum, but kind of found it disappointing, because what I was and am interested in, career in the computer industry but I couldn't find anyone who was interested in that fi...

Off the blog, it seems that I remember nothing to post as a blog entry. In most cases, this is a lie. I'm able to remember and I'm able to post at least something on a blog. The other day, I wanted to post something on my blog, but I couldn't because I didn't come up with any idea. Even today, at first all I was able to remember was how hot today was. Then I recalled what I studied and looked up today. Finally I recalled a few episodes of my past. Ideas in my mind are encapsulated and sealed hard in my mind, and they won't melt to get ready for me to communicate until I utter or scribble my first few words, which is typically meaningless. I'm always being tricked by this whimsical nature of my memory, and sometimes, I feel as if I lost my memory, and almost behave in that way, and someone who talks with me see me as incapable of speak, think and remember until my memory gets ready for me to communicate.

Over 35 degrees high last week. The next Monday, today, a bit lower, a bit above 30 degrees, and it's hot enough. I was working with a PC and sweated a lot. I adjusted the air conditioner of the room to 27 degrees, and the thermometer inside indicated 28 to 29 degrees. I looked up and read a few know-hows of success bloggers. First, never quit writing. Second write for readers. Third, know your strength. Looking back on myself, this is all what I'm able to write and what I'm able to communicate. I practiced Microsoft Office VBA, Word, Excel, PowerPoint, after enabling "Developer" tab.  I also looked up information about WordPress. 7 years ago I tried to run a WordPress blog but after posting a few entries, I quit. After that, I continued pay for the VPS hosting the blog was installed on for 2 years. I'm thinking of restarting a WordPress site fore self enlightenment.

The first several months after I entered elementary school was a nightmare. Every day at school I was rebuked from the teachers or classmates and cried hard. Even if I try to be good boy, at least a few hour after I find myself in trouble, totally different from the image I would behave like too good a boy. In that way, my self-image of behavior, human-relationship, and relationship was the worst, even though I come up with good marks in exams. Even though I got full marks in exams, I didn't think that getting high mark in exams gives me high values. As adults and classmates then told me, without behaving in group activity I wouldn't be valuable however excellently I made it in exams. In that way there wasn't no factor with which I could regard myself as of some value. Being alone in elementary school for a few months or years, I enjoyed a few things. I especially enjoyed viewing picture books of railroad trains and automobiles. The elementary school I was in located by rai...

I'm back to work after 6 days off. I spent home almost all the time, but went swimming four times, during those days. After this August came, I've almost lost the passion to learn more about information technologies. Also I lost touch of almost all people who helped a lot when I was in mental distress. After COVID-19 shock, my apathy had gotten even more stronger. Since a year or two ago, I have been thinking that being assertive about my disability won't make anyone happy. My behavior and my way of thinking is far from those anyone else feel comfortable, and especially quite different from the personality of those who gave me comfort when I was talking with them. Whenever I utter what I was really perceiving then, how I was exhausted after meeting with different people, how lonely I felt when I was studying about information technologies and network technology because no one considered me as a teammate of their engineer team while they are learning almost the same things I...

I had a difficulty to answer a question like "What would you say if you were the man in the picture." This made the question and answer section of an English test particularly hard time. Such a question remained as a trauma in my mind even though I finally passed through the interview test after almost 10 time attempts. First I had a difficulty of imaging myself as someone else or in someone else's place, even though I was able to understand that they are structures to express an imagination typically against the fact. Second, I was usually too quiet or too panicky to say something that someone else understand as speech in a particular language, when I met a particular situation. Also, I didn't really understand when a character in a story say a comment about a particular situation, some people around me are also likely to say in that way. 

"New Post" button came back to the left-top of my Blogger dashboard. Thank you Blogger for your improvement. Now I don't have to worry that I can't find anywhere in my dashboard.

I can't blame many companies and agencies wants to adopt a screening to exclude candidates on autism spectrum or with mental disorder. I myself have the personality to avoid any risk, and, to be honest, regretfully, want to avoid any change or any irregular thing. If I were in charge of human resources, chances would be, I would make a decision to avoid the risk, which means I would exclude any irregular candidate, who are supposed to bring higher probability of risk. From the perspective from a candidate with high-risk and "irregular" human resources, this is really a discouraging fact. Yet, being really disappointed bring me a great loss and nobody would compensate for it. The attitude I can take as a high risk candidate to keep motivation, declining the temptation of discouraging fact, I put up the banner that, "I'm willing to serve all the same.", and I myself continue to approve of this attitude as productive otherwise probably no one would do. This tas...

One motivation drove me blogging again probably. It's I'd like to note and somehow share that I'm an introvert and have been trying to find a way for success in an introvert way, and getting several books of success stories of introverts. I also notice that the introduction especially a self introduction like "I'm an introvert and still enjoy my life." Just this introduction is a good reason to buy a book, even though I'm not sure whether the way the author is successful is my piece of cake. Oops, again I need to click air plane on the top-right corner to publish, and bottom-right corner to call new post screen "to add an entry". I still kind of miss clicking top-left new post or the pen icon to write a new post.

A month has passed since I decided to move to new Blogger dashboard. Nothing was wrong; I can see the statuses of probably all my posts, with few visitors. I was just away from blogging for those months. Until I decided to make an entry for the first time in 3 months. I tried today to run edit screen, by clicking "new post" button. There is no such button like "new post" or the pen icon which I imagine is associate with editing a new post. There isn't one either. The answer was, the plus (+) button on bottom right corner of the list of your posts to call the edit screen for a new post. If you already know, no problem again, but at least I spent a quarter hour before I find how to make a new post on my new blogger user interface. And next problem. How to post? The answer, the paper airplane icon on the right top of the edit screen. I see this paper airplane icon on Gmail, on which the airplane stand for the "sent email tray". How many people noticed the...

I'm not really hearing this . I know this isn't really a sound. Probably my mind and body is telling that my mind is almost collapsing from stress. Is this sound like someone's voice? No, it is usually felt like a scratch noise, ringing a bell or beeper loudly. Anyway this is a distress signal from myself. I felt - "heard" it a half year ago, when I was struggling with requirements before I go to Abilympics in Aichi. This is what I tried to write April of 2020, when COVID-19 was just beginning to business, our working environment, and our daily life. Fortunately, 4 months after then, I continue my current Job, and my motivation is about to recover.

Rehabilitation. Beginning with just touching it. I had been away from bike since last November. I had been away from blogging in English since last November. I abandoned then the habit of blogging, yet I haven't been away from writing for myself.

How about my first work in this year? It wasn't bad. I took a relatively good start, except for I'm still bad at cleaning up my room. I checked who to report, because the organization and its managers have changed from the start of the year. I continue to learn knowledge about computer network technologies, but for this year, I will have to make more effort of marketing myself better, even though I have serious restriction in communication, especially face to face with those who I meet first.

Hoping to raising quality of my writing, I quit writing my blog posts every day. Then I totally quit blogging totally and even stopped my attempt of writing something. I don't think writing every day again is best solution, considering my goals ahead me in a few month, but I'm thinking that I need to get used to writing blog posts again.