Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Making speech at a meeting as well as giving self introduction and attending job interviews has given me so much pressure that I sometimes became faint on the train home. Today's session was no exception. Since all discussion went well and the meeting ended without causing me any panic, I thought I could go home without any trouble. Finally I barely went back home safely, but on the train it was really difficult for me to keep standing sane, affected with the fatigue I couldn't feel when 20 minutes ago when I left the office. All the struggle before and after today's meeting being that way, I still felt my progress in adjusting to an elementary business meeting. If job counselors who knows me on the job hunting 3 to 5 years ago knew today's episode, they would be surprised. They knew me who whenever I went to job interviews I went to wreck and on homeward commuter train I even fell on the floor from panic or hyperventilation. Today I barely stood on the train, ev...

I was so stressed out this week, I couldn't almost say a word when I went home in the weekend. On Saturday the most time in the day I lay on the bed. I didn't even want to eat out for lunch. By the way either on weekdays or on weekend I often reflect on myself. Sometimes 3 hours a day, when going to work on the train and while walking. Discovering new aspect of myself is exciting to me, but this morning I suddenly heard the voice "how many hours do you spend hours to think of someone else?" I found that the answer was no more than a half hour a day. And so short hours did I spent thinking of God and Lord. Thinking too long hours of my sinful nature make me even more miserable and I have even indulged myself in the miserable self image and in most hours turn my face away from Lord and his love. (As grown up as a Japanese, the concept love in the the sense that being close always embarrass me a lot) Someone saying me that I need not be miserable as if I have no ch...

I sometimes feel uneasy when I can't tell anything interesting recently for example because I need to sleep as long as possible before and after work and other daily duties. I noticed that this uneasiness comes from the mentality that I have no news but still I want a response from people around me. This caused my misbehavior like I resort to panic to draw attention when I was in elementary school, and I feel uncomfortable someone draw attention for an honor like a prize or for their good behavior. To improve my behavior and feelings, I need to understand this tendency of feeling and relief this uneasiness otherwise than trying to drawing an attention in misbehaving way, like concentrating on my current work or reflecting more deeply on my feeling and my real need to resolve this uneasiness.

I'm easily get panicked, many times a week, for many reason. With help of advisers from a support organization, and supporting staff in my workplace, my panic tendency has been much improved. One rule to prevent my panic is not to cram too much with my to-do list. The first job I needed to was to set it the first priority to do my daily work in good mental and physical shape, with pleasant greetings. I had to put training to be an IT professional after that, lower than the second priority.  I think I have a lot to do for a professional web developer or a network engineer. To list up these, it may take hundreds of hours to acquire the skill enough to serve as a professional. On the other hand, even if I do little for these goals, I can go on my current work. If I lost mental and physical shape, I can't. Therefore, may it be quite an entry-level management, when I felt a symptom of panic or anxiety, I list up the least to continue the daily duties, and it's not until ...

Today, the end of rainy season this year is declared in the Tohoku region, the northeastern area of Japan. While the southeastern area where rainy season has ended 1 month earlier suffered severe heat of summer, temperature often reported over 35C (95F), the Tohoku region, especially around Sendai has been very cold, max temperature of the day below 25C (77F). Of course hot weather is severe condition with higher risk of heat attack, but cold weather may not be so "mild". Many people tend to catch cold, and my mental and physical condition tend to be much lower in cold weather in summer than hot. In four days, it'll be autumn in the calendar. The level crossing near the home flew dragonflies, omen of autumn, and the end of summer of as short as four days long. Even though it be autumn in the calender, the heat of summer lasts for weeks, and in the Tohoku region, the heat of late summer is longer than that of "regular" summer, so we need to continue...

I thought I could be more "social" on the Internet. I could post more daily events to social site like facebook and twitter. I limit the amount of the participation to the internet for mental and physical reason. Yesterday I saw the news that reports increasing number of young adults suffer from "Internet Addiction". Some people can't help playing online games and total play hours amount up to 10 hours. Some people become impatient when they are offline. To be more social on the internet is not the time we are online, but we could consider of friends offline even if we can meet them only online.