Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

When I was taking a timeout from today's worship service because I was so panicked, I was looking the flower bed. I saw several beautiful flowers. I also saw a hairy caterpillar eating a leaf. It seemed to enjoy its meal so much, I went on watching it for a while. A hairy caterpillar is hated by many people for its ugly appearance. The hairs of it looks so sharp that it could sting us. In fact if we touch it, we will be hurt, with skin touching it becoming itchy by its poison in most case, so we do not want to touch it, and sometimes there are so many hairy caterpillars are on the road that it make rather a grotesque sight. As long as we keep a discreet distance it doesn't attack us, so it's not so bad as long as it's in our way or it devours plants very important to us. I'm surprised that I'm expressing a neutral feeling about a hairy caterpillar, but it also reminds me of myself, trying to be harmless by keeping to a discreet distance from other people, ...

"Keep away from him. His stupidity is infectious." Word occurred to me when I'm headed for church this morning. This is probably what I heard when I was in elementary school. I'm always failing to behave. My behavior was so terrible that somebody at school spoke this word to somebody else, when he looked at me. Was I sad then? I'm not sure. I'm not sure whether at that time, at age of 8, recognized my miserable feeling when I heard it, I could recognize this feeling sad. At least it's certain I was miserable at that time. When I recalled this word today, I was both miserable and sad. Why this word I was said more than 30 years ago traveled so slowly that today I feel sad? Fortunately this is not thing of present. No one says this way because I'm still not able to behave fully as an adult.

Recently I check things much more than I was before. Whenever I get off a train, I'm uneasy until I check if there isn't some of my properties left on the train. At work, when I'm about to move into next information to check, I often become doubtful if I've missed something important, or the information I see and I decide this is not what I look for and going to the next information, sometimes I even think that the information I have just gone through as unimportant, may change different information which is really important to me. The frequency I excessively check indicates the degree of anxiety and how is my state of mind, and I hope the frequency of excessive check will be reduced for next week.

This week, my state of mind was so unstable that I thought a lot of things. These days I thought about my future dream when I was a child. Then I was surprised to find myself thinking about days when I was elementary school, afflicted with many troubles in classroom, mainly difficulty in coming to terms with events (classes and human relationships) happening in the school. I had my hands full, and I was troubled so much that I was thinking that there would be no tomorrow or I would be finished the next day, most of the days. Thus, when I began to think about my future dream, at first I ended up in thinking of my difficulties, sufferings, and tiredness before I think about the dream I had when I was a child. More exactly, it looks like that I didn't any clear dream when I was in elementary school, except for I was required to make it public as a homework or an exhibition of a school festival. As a child I didn't understand what a future dream is like as much as some unders...

The state of my mind is being settled, and I'm at a loss what to write. The time when I'm able to write most may perhaps be the time under pressure of or anxiety about the work for the coming day, and now I've been so relieved that I've been rather inactive in writing. I wonder which is better for me, a lot of ideas under great pressure and anxiety, or not many ideas under the environment free from pressure.

I thought a lot of things and wrote a lot on my sketchbook on the train from work, but it may be a sign that my state of mind is going bad. If I continue to write at this pace, I will be so exhausted that it may have a bad effect on my work tomorrow, so it's time I stopped thinking and writing, having a rest consciously.

 Today my mental state was so unstable that I came up with a parallel-world story, which tell how important business manners in my daily work. One day at lunch time, I strayed into a strange world. After on-the-job training I had been grumbling about smallest defects on my business manners and communications being strictly corrected. When I was drinking cabbage juice I became drowsy. The next time I was conscious, I was awaking by a rude shout. It was an announcement on a train. Everyday when I ride a train the announcements on the train I ride to and from work were always polite, so I was surprised at this rude announcement. According to an announcement, the train won't arrive at the central station because of bad behaviors of some maintenance staff and some passengers. I got out of the train and sought another public transport. At the front of the station, there was a bus, with a rude announcement like I had heard on the train, and the front of the bus was a little bit crushed....

I write blog posts twice a week for my company. I write about something about my job or my life. My daily work is basically office work on my laptop at the workplace, and telling my work in detail may break confidentiality. So I often take an approach in which I write what I learned in my daily work, which seem to be helpful or to encourage people who are struggling with learning how to communicate at work or how to use a computer at work. Sometimes I get a response in which I know my post encouraged one reader. Sometimes, I get a positive feedback from my boss, in which I see the post gave a good feeling to him/her. Through this feedback, I've come to think that "A blog can cheer people up". This is a thing what I'm likely to forget especially when I was home after work, tired and having a desire to lying down on my bed immediately. This finding is so important that I may want to remember this once in a while also when I write a blog post here and I hope in ...

My mental state has been much settled, becoming much better than Friday night. But sometimes I'm a little bit surprised, that while I'm walking alone, I unconsciously utter, such as "autism, autism", or "suicide, suicide", sometimes a little bit aloud. I don't think I really want to die or commit suicide, but some strange feeling which make me some how uneasy make me unconsciously utter those shocking words, even though I don't really thinking of or even isn't interested in such shocking matters. When I walked from the clinic, I remember utters these actually meaningless but shocking thing about 20 times. It's fortunate that no one heard it and take it seriously. What I hope for this week is going to work regularly and working seriously, in spite of my anxieties.

I got additional medication for a few days today. I went to the mental clinic I go to to get the medication to settle my anxiety once or twice a month, and I take the medicine almost every day these days. Yesterday, I was a little bit upset because I was severely scolded for my mistake. Last night I slept as long as usual, but I doubt if I did as deep as usual. Today I took the train of 8:35 AM, and the train was a little bit delayed because of the delay of oncoming trains. After I arrived at the clinic I had to wait more than one hour. I became a little bit impatient, and agitation in my mind wasn't fully settled, so I began to keep some note about my unsettled feeling. When I met with my doctor, I spoke about the events of the recent week, especially ones likely to trigger stress. After I spoke, it looked like that the doctor perceived me as a little bit irritated and upset than usual, and decided to give additional medication. I'm going to take the additional medicatio...

Just before weekend I made a mistake at work. I felt really uneasy and my behavior turned into a little bit strange. It was my mistake, and perhaps it might be just a bad luck, but the additional work of my bosses is real. I wished a rest on weekend especially mentally and that I'm going to work again on Monday vigorous all the same and more carefully.

I write a blog post for my company twice a week. It's desirable to write an article within 30 minutes, but it's a little difficult to achieve this goal. One of the problems is that I can hardly control how much I write. Every time I write an article, I think I have relatively a clear idea about what to write, but when it comes to writing, it turns out that my idea isn't not clear at all. I arrange some pieces of compositions of what I really want to communicate, but they usually don't connect very well at all. Therefore, I need to write some additional pieces of composition to make sense as a whole. As a result it takes about 50 minutes on average, with 800 characters. These days I'm setting a goal to write a post of 400 characters in 30 minutes, but it may take some time to grab how to write composition not too long and not to short, mentioning what I want to communicates.

On the train home, I drew, drew, and drew cars on my sketchbook. I lingered on the same sheet so long that the sheets I draw pictures on became black as if it were burnt. Is it showing my mental state, burning out from daily work? Sometime I think that it may be time I would get drive my own car myself, but since I was a child, automobiles are targets for drawing rather than driving myself. Why am I not so enthusiastic about driving although I like to watch cars? May be it's because I've been too scared of stories of traffic accidents and duties when I own one, much more than I imagine the joy and freedom when I own and drive a car.

Sometimes I would like to be able to draw or draw comical things like cartoons. Whenever I draw something on my sketchbook, what I get is neither real or comical at all. I wonder why. My behavior often make other people laugh, but what I intended to be comical isn't laughable at all. I'm thinking that one of the answers to the question is that I make people laugh almost only when I failed to do what I have intended to do. I wonder how people succeed in intending to be comical, like a comedian or a comic writer.

On Saturday I revved up my brain so much on a practice session of practicing Microsoft Access that on Sunday and on Monday, I felt it was cloudy in front of my head and my eyes. Today, I managed to do my daily work but with a little bit slow down. Until this afternoon I was tired both physically and mentally. I was a little bit worried about fat around my berry, so I walked the block around the office building, and had a cup of coffee at a convenience store. I got one a little bit more expensive more than usual because I thought that I needed to fight with the tiredness, win, finish my daily life and finish today, hoping that tomorrow I will be working cheerfully, cured from my mental and physical tiredness.

These days I'm thinking why I'm thinking and began to think of things from the point of view from an adult with autistic disorder. I'm looking back on the third year of high school when I came down with neurotic and almost dropped out, then visit a mental clinic with my teacher and my parents. In the mental clinic I was told that there was a book by Donna Williams (translated into Japanese), an adult with high functioned autism, and I began to read. At first what she wrote, what she had felt as written on that book, I didn't think that it was my case. In a few years since I first went to the mental clinic, sometimes I redeemed my mental health and my performance, but sometimes I felt that I was really miserable because I was so low-spirited that I didn't feel like do anything or didn't think that I was capable of understand the smallest things. Struggling with small intermittent depression, sometimes I did well in an entrance exam or classes in universi...

I went to Yamagata to participate in a practice session of Abilympics. I practiced for the contest of database. I realized that I have had little knowledge about Microsoft Access and have a lot to learn about that application as well as general skills in designing a database. In the contest participants are required to build a database on Microsoft Access that satisfies the requirements given by the organizer, in a limited time of two or three hours, so if you want to win, you have to be familiar with features of Microsoft Access, as well as have knowledge of designing a database.

I'm going to participate in a practice session of Access Database in Yamagata, carrying my laptop at home. It's the first time I carry my current laptop outside, so I checked some settings. Some of the settings assume that I use the laptop almost only in my room. For example I connect an USB audio interface and connect external speakers through the interface, instead of I use the speakers built in the laptop. I also use a bluetooth mouth to avoid troubles with cables and shortage of USB ports although it has a disadvantage in response, so I'm thinking I'm going to use a wired mouse for better response. Also I fully charged the battery of the laptop. All things seemed to go fine, but suddenly a few trouble happened. I'm not sure it was because I disconnected bluetooth, or because the laptop automatically turned into sleep mode, but when I was about to write today's post here, wireless internet connection was disconnected. I turned off and then soon turned on...

After supper I walked the same course again I had walked on Monday evening, Wednesday evening, and this morning. On Monday I jogged at a really slow pace. Last evening I walked, but much faster than I had jogged on Monday. This morning I jogged. It wasn't really fast but it was a typical jogging pace much faster than I walked last evening. This evening I walked. I didn't know the exact pace, but I walked anyway. I only know that I didn't walk fast but a little bit faster than I had jogged on Monday.

I've gained weight, and I'm about 4 kilograms heavier than my optimum weight. I'm thinking of losing weight by rethinking diet and exercises. A keyword on a magazine draw my eyes. Extra 2,500 steps walk a day help you shaping up. An average office worker is said to walk 6,000 steps a day in their daily life, and if they walk 2,500 steps more, they will be better in shape. Today, during the lunch break, I walked around my office building, 1,200 steps. I plan to walk after I eat supper. Considering that it may rain several days a week, in the coming rainy season, I may have to walk more on a fine day.

When I have idle time at work, I sometimes practice Excel entering test data and using functions I don't usually use at my regular work. The other day I made a graph from the data of my work hours. Since I haven't made a graph at my regular work, I had hard time with select right cells, right element and right presentation. May be it takes a lot of exercise to be familiar with making graphs with Excel. I was thinking if there is a good way to practice making graphs. Every day I see a few graphs on the newspaper of the day, and I thought that trying to make the same graph as I see the paper is a good practice of Excel graph making.

I washed the bathtub right after I returned from work, so that I can bathe as soon as possible and turn in early. This is part of my time management, but the purpose, the motivation of my time management is a little bit odd. I want to make time because I want to play video games as long as possible, while working regularly.

Coming Saturday, I'm going to participate in a joint practice session for Abilyimpics in Yamagata. Last year, I participated in the national Abylimpic contest and competed in web page creating. This time I hoped to practice web page creating, but web page creating wasn't on the list of the practice session, so I chose to participate in the practice of Microsoft Access Database. To participate in this practice session, I have to bring a PC Microsoft Access 2010 is installed, if I want to practice Database division. Fortunately, I've installed one in my laptop at home, so my laptop meet the requirement. The problem is that I have never brought my laptop outside. I used my laptop like a desktop computer, and little have I ever thought that I take it outside. I need to have a plan if I want to take my laptop outside. I unplugged all devices connected by USB, and I put my laptop into my bag I take when I go to work. There looks like no problem. All I have to do is keep tools ...

I thought that left-hander was cool. Even though I myself am right-hander, not knowing for what reason, I thought that being left-hander would be wonderful. When I took a leave from university at the age of 22, I withdrew to my home from mental health reason. Having lost my goal in my study and other activities, I used my left hand again and again. I write letters and threw a ball with my left hand. At first, I couldn't do at all. When I threw a ball, it didn't fly in the direction I wanted it to go. The letters written by my left hand was terrible too. It was illegible and it took much longer time, as a matter of course, than I write letters by my right hand. After a lot of repetition, my skill had been much improved, but when I use my right hand once in a while, it reminded me that I'm actually right-hander. In this way my efforts to switch to be a left-hander failed. But this has made me understand new things I would have never noticed if I had used only my right han...

I have hardly been interested in what's new, hot, and up to date. This week I read an message from the president telling the importance of immediate improvement when you notice a problem. Barely doing entry-level work, I haven't fully understand the importance of keeping up with markets, but it may be useful to have such a perspective for my future work which can be much further than I now imagine and dream of.

I came back to work for the first time in a week, after Golden Week holidays. I didn't feel so bad, but my brain doesn't look like work well, and my reports and explanations wasn't as sharp as usual. It was hot outside typical of early summer, all the same as Golden Week holidays, and I felt my limbs flushed with the heat when I was working on my laptops. Is it because of the heat, I was suspicious, but something was strange. "No sweat". I thought that if it were really hot I would sweat and felt uncomfortable with it. I thought "no sweat, no cool down". I didn't sweat much probably because it was much drier than mid summer, at the same time I thought that my body was not prepared with the heat of summer and I couldn't produce much sweat, which feel myself feeling hot inside my body. I've heard once in while that the ability to "sweat well" help us spend hot days. Having exercises is good to recover this function to swe...

Today's progress of my business manners study. 1. Self enlightenment  I learned that I need to know the specialty of my workplace and the department I belong to.  Employer may prepare an opportunity to learn about the job but it's likely to be minimum, so I need to learn myself if I really want to be a professional in the field. 2. Time management  I learned that time management is the key. I learned that just keeping promises, which is necessary, is not enough. I may want to have a plan to use 24 hours a day, more wisely, efficiently and effectively. In this Golden Week holiday, I spent most of time playing games. This may not be so bad in that sometimes I need some pastime to cope with stress and tiredness, but recognizing my usage of time by putting it in word is the first step to manage my time. I need to prepare for work, and may want to study for my future work, and also I need to do with my room cluttered with things, book, print material, and scribbles....

The final day of Golden Week I plan to walk to Sendai station on weekdays I take train. By train it's 15.2km ride, and tomorrow I have to walk at least 12.5km, if I want to reach the station on foot.

Recently it's been hot as if it were summer around Sendai. Now I'm about to go to sleep, but temperature in the bedroom reached almost 25 degree Celsius, so I turned on air conditioning with its off timer set 1 hour. It's raining outside, and tomorrow it'll be fine again. Throughout the "Golden Week" holidays this year, it will be fine in the day, which make me much better, but I have to be prepared for the heat like summer.

This is Sunday. I went to church. I listened to 50% of the message. Sometimes I went outside in the middle of the message restlessly, and roamed around the garden and grass field of the church. I was thinking that how to learn to fear God. I remember the contrast of wisdom of the world and wisdom of God, and how far I would have to go if I try to save myself with my efforts and knowledge.

I write blog post twice a week at work. It takes almost an hour for me to finish a blog post a day whereas the target time is half an hour. To solve this problem I make it a rule to decide what to write in the blog before I begin to write. Desirably, I write the article in detail so that I only have to enter data from the notebook I write the draft to the content field of the blog post. Unlike how I post in this blog, I prefer to use html tags to write a blog post for the company. It still takes 20 minutes with layout of the post, even if I had clearly written the draft on my notebook. To improve a blog post as my daily work, I may want to prepare the next post up to the point where there is little to revise, and at the same time I may want to be familiar with the way in which I can efficiently layout my post from my draft.

From tomorrow until Wednesday it will be holiday. I was so tired from work before then that I couldn't catch the train from work  I usually ride, leaving Sendai station at 5:46 pm. I knew I might be able to if I had hurried to the station, but I decided not, because if I had took the train of 5:46 pm it would be crowded and I wouldn't have been able to stand it. I took the train of 6:02 pm, took a seat and began to read Access Missing Manual with my Kindle. Even after I arrived home, I haven't been settled. The first thing I do for holidays will be take a good rest and settle myself a little bit uneasy. Any plan will come after I relax again.