A story of my dreams and tiredness, which I was aware of more than 10-20 years later
This week, my state of mind was so unstable that I thought a lot of things.
These days I thought about my future dream when I was a child. Then I was surprised to find myself thinking about days when I was elementary school, afflicted with many troubles in classroom, mainly difficulty in coming to terms with events (classes and human relationships) happening in the school. I had my hands full, and I was troubled so much that I was thinking that there would be no tomorrow or I would be finished the next day, most of the days.
Thus, when I began to think about my future dream, at first I ended up in thinking of my difficulties, sufferings, and tiredness before I think about the dream I had when I was a child. More exactly, it looks like that I didn't any clear dream when I was in elementary school, except for I was required to make it public as a homework or an exhibition of a school festival.
As a child I didn't understand what a future dream is like as much as some understanding adults expected on children.
When I was in elementary school I could hardly believe in my future. I couldn't even believe in the next day.
My life in elementary school was for the major part I was in the middle of everlasting troubles and uneasiness and frequent tiredness.
It was not until I reached 23 years old that I found I'm prone to walk that strange way especially when I'm mentally fatigued or I'm afflicted by a great anxiety.
Even though I wasn't conscious of my terrible state of mind, I often behaved miserable. Perhaps the only thing I could imagine for my future then was repetition of the same miserable day, always thinking I was going to break the next day.
This doesn't mean that I'm still miserable 30 years later.
Yes, I have experienced several wrecks until now, but still, I'm not totally wreck, although sometimes I feel a bit of lack of mental security.
Now, becoming 40 years old and with poor motor skills, it may be clear that I have zero possibility to become a professional baseball player. In this respect, it seem that I have "lost" one of my dreams over years. To be sure, I was sometimes able to feel that there may be some possibility to become one when I was 10 years old when I barely learned how to throw and bat a ball.
In spite of all that I'm thinking my dreams has been neither lost nor reduced. I'm thinking that they are being revealed. For example I have realized that becoming a professional baseball player isn't "my" dream at all.
Having said that, I know I've lost some dreams. For example becoming a scientist. I couldn't stand making continuous effort to make it and finally I gave up. It took some time that I accept the fact that it's I that give up the course, not because of lack of environment, but because of the lack of will power. I may be merely hoping gather a lot of respect for any ground-breaking achievement, or finding ultimate truth. I may fancied to seek the ultimate truth, but not so seriously. I only did as long as I feel comfortable and I stopped doing when I became tired.
Now I'd like to wrap up this topic although I have a lot I want to share, but if I went on thinking and writing this, I would stay up fortnight, which I really want to avoid, considering my mental and physical health, so it's time to wrap up.
I'd like to think about this again if I have a chance and I feel like doing.
These days I thought about my future dream when I was a child. Then I was surprised to find myself thinking about days when I was elementary school, afflicted with many troubles in classroom, mainly difficulty in coming to terms with events (classes and human relationships) happening in the school. I had my hands full, and I was troubled so much that I was thinking that there would be no tomorrow or I would be finished the next day, most of the days.
Thus, when I began to think about my future dream, at first I ended up in thinking of my difficulties, sufferings, and tiredness before I think about the dream I had when I was a child. More exactly, it looks like that I didn't any clear dream when I was in elementary school, except for I was required to make it public as a homework or an exhibition of a school festival.
As a child I didn't understand what a future dream is like as much as some understanding adults expected on children.
When I was in elementary school I could hardly believe in my future. I couldn't even believe in the next day.
My life in elementary school was for the major part I was in the middle of everlasting troubles and uneasiness and frequent tiredness.
Tiredness I felt in elementary school and the first time I noticed that I had been tired then
At that time I didn't exactly understand what is being tired like, by the way. Some day in elementary school, if my memory serves, when I was 9 or 10 years old, I limped a passage of the school, to move between classrooms, the gym, or the ground. I felt so strange that I found myself difficult to walk straight or I swing my arms in the right way while walking.It was not until I reached 23 years old that I found I'm prone to walk that strange way especially when I'm mentally fatigued or I'm afflicted by a great anxiety.
Even though I wasn't conscious of my terrible state of mind, I often behaved miserable. Perhaps the only thing I could imagine for my future then was repetition of the same miserable day, always thinking I was going to break the next day.
This doesn't mean that I'm still miserable 30 years later.
Yes, I have experienced several wrecks until now, but still, I'm not totally wreck, although sometimes I feel a bit of lack of mental security.
All I knew (and know) about dreams and futures
All I knew about dreams and futures is some public figures or kids with shiny smiles are speaking about how wonderful it would be for a child to have a dream, and adults often saw the kids and young adults of my age (when I was in elementary or junior-high school) as full of future and dreams.Now, becoming 40 years old and with poor motor skills, it may be clear that I have zero possibility to become a professional baseball player. In this respect, it seem that I have "lost" one of my dreams over years. To be sure, I was sometimes able to feel that there may be some possibility to become one when I was 10 years old when I barely learned how to throw and bat a ball.
In spite of all that I'm thinking my dreams has been neither lost nor reduced. I'm thinking that they are being revealed. For example I have realized that becoming a professional baseball player isn't "my" dream at all.
Having said that, I know I've lost some dreams. For example becoming a scientist. I couldn't stand making continuous effort to make it and finally I gave up. It took some time that I accept the fact that it's I that give up the course, not because of lack of environment, but because of the lack of will power. I may be merely hoping gather a lot of respect for any ground-breaking achievement, or finding ultimate truth. I may fancied to seek the ultimate truth, but not so seriously. I only did as long as I feel comfortable and I stopped doing when I became tired.
Now I'd like to wrap up this topic although I have a lot I want to share, but if I went on thinking and writing this, I would stay up fortnight, which I really want to avoid, considering my mental and physical health, so it's time to wrap up.
I'd like to think about this again if I have a chance and I feel like doing.
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