Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I'm slightly excited what is happening tomorrow morning on sites I frequently visit. This time of every year I've been tricked joke articles. Apart from jokes on the sites, I'm going through a substantial change. Increase of consumption tax from 5% to 8%. At a shop, the increased amount of payment 3% may be somehow bearable, but major beverage sellers raise the price of a canned soft drink to 130 yens from 120. I often buy canned drinks, so I'm watching out how many bending machines really raise prices of drinks and how many drinks remain same prices.

Taking action early to spare time for moving slowly, this is likely to be a key to fight with my anxiety. I noticed when I was about to go to work. Just 30 minutes before our work begin I was at a convenience store near the office. I could buy a cup of coffee, for I felt my energy was so low that I was worried if I could working, and I wanted something to turn me on. Instead of taking time to buy a cup of coffee and have a relaxing time, I decided to go to the office early, prepared the computer I use at work, and some template necessary for my daily work. By doing this, today I spent the beginning of the work day without much worry, cutting one cup of coffee. This approach may not always work, for there are some times my energy is too low to do so, but taking action early is likely to a key for me to fight with my anxiety.

In the beginning of the service, my condition had been really bad, so bad that I wore earplugs, and even with earplugs, hoping filtering excessive sound input, worship songs, prayers, and the message reached so directly I even felt as if I had been listening the sound of scratch by a piece of  glass on a blackboard. I also didn't know how to stand up and relax at the same time, so I shook muscles and joints several times to find an appropriate balance of positions and pressures of each part of my body. I've found out that I find it more difficult to relax while standing or sitting still than while walking or jogging or some other kind of exercises. When I get off a crowded train, I find relieved and relaxed jogging home, remembering just standing in one place seems to make me much more tired than when I'm moving unless I move too fast for fitness. Perhaps, standing and sitting still gives much tiredness, and relaxing still seems to unlikely for me. I wonder if ma...

Saturday, the second day of decaf-myself weekend was mainly in the skiing area. Usually, I have a cup of cafe au lait, a cup of hot milk with Starbucks VIA, but today I gave up having one. I transferred the JR railway to the subway, the subway to bus. Vending machines of canned beverage including coffees was quite a temptation, and moreover I felt much wearier than usual when I go skiing, probably because of the tiredness from yesterday's jogging. I arrived at the skiing area, but I was so weary that I couldn't enjoy any conversation about skiing with the fellows who also enjoy skiing there. Then I bought a canned coffee, which was the only coffee I had today. I mutely did stretching doubting if I was really going to begin skiing and enjoy it. I somehow enjoyed skiing, but only for 2 hours. It was a beautiful days, but in the mountain it was a little bit windy. After skiing I enjoyed BBQ, for in the skiing area today Canadian beef fair was held, (and going to be held tomorrow)....

I feel much better these days. I still feel anxieties from time to time, but less frequently than in the mid of march. A cup of coffee has been indispensable to boost my mood up to the point I start my work with smile. My mental state has now become much stable, so I decided to spend this weekend reducing the amount of caffeine I take daily. Although I took train to the neighboring station to have a brand-new canned black coffee and jogged home from there in the early morning, I ordered a cup of decaf drip coffee at a Starbucks store right before I start my work. In the afternoon, I ordered the same decaf coffee with one-more-coffee discount receipt. I didn't have coffee today any more. On Saturday I'm planning to go skiing, and before I start skiing I make it a rule to have coffee at most a cup (can) before I start skiing. I'm thinking that I'll spend this weekend a little bit slower than I wish to be active.

In that year I began to go to a job training program. I went to the program 4 days a week, 4 hours for each day. Much of the program was real work and I was paid when I did the real work. It was a little bit less than the minimum wage of this area if I had been employed, but being paid anyway gave me more choices to spend my pastimes. Besides, after I was get used to work I had the opportunity to teach how to do the work I was doing to the newcomers to the program. In the period I participated in the program I had ambivalent feeling, one was that I somehow landed somewhere I could go regularly and do some work, and another that my status was something less than employed. I originally thought that the status was much close to employment, but after continuing to go to program and most of my "colleagues" found jobs and were "really employed", this close distance began to seem an infinite distance, which gradually hurt my self-esteem.

"I'm extremely shy person but I still hope to be kind and nice to you." That's all what I wanted to say. I don't really remember what I actually said. Probably it was much harmless things, but I doubt it made much sense. The thing I do remember is I blushed and am now blushing after all attempt to communicate well and share topics with tens of stumbles. I need to learn more words to show that I care. Today it was I who was cared, in spite I live in here almost 10 years and he has been here about 10 days.

At the clinic I went to this morning I saw a calendar with pictures of animals playing in a park or a field. Most parts of animals, trees, plants are composed of simple shapes with textures we're familiar with. With persistent combination of making shapes with drawing tool of the office suite on my PC, applying textures available free online or from my photo library to these shapes, placing them in order to make the whole picture, I might be able to make a picture of similar taste. I hope to make fantastic pictures by composing relatively simple shapes and textures with knowledge of applications most people think for the business purpose.

This morning I got a half-day paid off and went to a mental health clinic. Today I wasn't as bad as I was in the mid of March and I suppose I'm on the way of recovery, but still I spoke slowly. Until noon I spoke, moved, acted as slow as I wished, and sometimes stopped in front of scenes which drew my eyes. I could afford to stand still quietly and look at things through a window, because I had more than an hour before I start working. Sendai station was crowded with people at 11am, but more cheerful mood than hurried. Many of people looked like on shopping or sightseeing. A little while after noon street of the city was full of office workers who probably going out for lunch. The half-day off when I could afford do things slowly as slow as I wished to turned out to be a good opportunity to rest and recover from my mental state in which my mind continually alarms a warning signal, one of which is inner scream inside my head and years and tip of my mouth.

I was able to attend the meeting of adults with developmental disorders for the first time in 2 months. I'm glad that I was able to attend, because recently my physical and psychological condition was very bad and chances were I would miss the meeting 2 times consecutively. We discussed how to share topics with network tools and decided to use a mailing list to share topics. The next meeting will be 2 months away because the city support center will be busy preparing for the new fiscal year in the next month April. I hope I will be able to attend again in May and share and listen to ideas of what activity each members, who all were with some kind of developmental disability, and the direction of activity the group will go in.

I bought a guidebook for new CCNA certificate exams. I bought the kindle version. After reading long introduction, I began to read the first chapter. Seeing some images of outputs and configurations of CISCO devices, I found them somehow familiar with this kind of outputs. Of course, studying hard for the exam three years ago and passed it has given me confidence which lasts even now, but I've also found out recently that I'm likely to listen carefully to what computer and network hardware want to say. I'm not good at listening to what other "human" people want to say, but I'm making an effort to do this. This may be a good effort to be sure, but I guess there may be some ways I would be able to use my trait that I'm relatively good at listening to what computers are saying for other people's happiness.

I fail to understand the relationship of being of different opinions and still good friends. I tend to feel that when I hear the opposite opinion to mine, sometimes I feel as if my personality were denied. My rationality tells that I could separate my opinion and personality, but my gut often refuse to do this. I now wonder why I feel this way. Is it because of the education I've received, or is it because of relationships I've been in since my childhood? or is it because of my innate perception, which make it difficult to have solid personality hard to be subject to differences of opinions? It takes lots of training to accept various opinions and still being firmly myself, but it's essential to obtain this point of view to build constructive relationships and thought by groupworks.

Recently I'm thinking of shutting down news and avoid reading or watching. When I accidentally saw a news story, it was so horrible an incident that my mood went down. When I turn on TV and watch mass media, the news they pick up tend to be too stressful to continue my daily life in sound mental condition. Focusing on problems may be important, but thinking it through is a great work and it takes a lot of energy. Exposed to problems you aren't really at stake may cause your energy depletion. Just now I come across a business paper in Japan and I surprisingly found that articles on it give me less impact on my mental health. It was probably because it focuses on businesses, and part of what is business about is being helpful to others. This turned me on a little and I'm thinking of relating a little to being useful to others.

I like to read catalogs of automobiles. I like to check data of specification of cars on it. I've liked to do since before I enter elementary school. Before I became 18 years old, I may be going to possess one of the cars I liked to see pictures and data of, meanwhile I thought that driving a car was dangerous thing, emphasizing the risk of traffic accidents, and there may be little chance that I got my driver's license. At the age of 23 I got my driver's license, and learning the theories of driving, driving a car is not unconditionally dangerous as long as I'm careful enough, although I still have to keep in mind that driving has a risk of fatal accidents if wrongly done. I drove several times and I knew driving is something that is manageable. I drove then my parents' car and ones from rent-a-car. By the time I've been thinking that obtaining my car of dream after getting a job, but since then, it took more than 5 year before I get a job. Now I have ...

This morning I had the last portion Starbucks VIA coffee essence tribute blend. This time I dissolved it in hot water. Usually I preferred cafe au lait. I like black canned coffee (without additional flavor). I like black drip coffee at convenience stores. I like black drip coffee when I order at a Starbucks. But I like white VIA. I usually dissolve VIA into a cup of milk then microwave the cup for two and half minutes. I sometimes imagine that I drip coffee with milk instead of hot water, but it isn't unrealistic.

I hope that I want to do something by the end of this month. My mood is still low, but I also felt the sign of recovery, just like I'm seeing the darkness of a dawn, like around 5a.m. with a hope to become bright soon. I haven't been fallen the point that I can never ride a train or meet anyone, but in a recent month I felt a pain of a kind in which I feel as if I hear someone (myself) screaming from a pain or a painful thought or some bad news about international affairs or finding myself giving into the temptation of comparison. The problem with me is now I'm not able to appreciate myself as I've been much progressed in that I go to work every day and collaborate with my co-workers with fair amount of communication. When my awareness of what I can do is week, it's helpful to find someone who is ready to listen. I'm really grateful that the existence of this kind of people, who help me with discover myself doing well in spite I can only do terribly in som...

At today's worship service, I was very uneasy because I couldn't keep up with the pace people talk, but too tired to become restless. I tried to draw something on my sketchbook, but I couldn't draw well anything. Finally I began to write the letter 5 one after another. If I were energetic as I used to be (and as confused as today), I would fill one sheet of the book with letters which are all 5, but actually I ended writing 5 with 130 letters, which was one third of the sheet. When I first come to live in Sendai, this kind of error of my mind happened almost all Sundays, not knowing how to behave and even hoping that somebody decide that I wasn't a person to be there.

I reviewed the recent one month. When I look at my mind the traffic light in it has always been yellow since the middle of February. If I strictly comply with the traffic rule, I must stop, but I continued to go ahead anyway because I have to go to work, hoping with reasonable amount of weekend rests it would turn to green. So far I've never seen unconditionally green light until then. In this period, I lived my daily life struggling with my inner obstacles; sore muscles, alarms and sirens in my brain which scream loudly inside years and sometimes sounded like "I'm gonna die", "I'm totally jerk", which often made me plug my yeas in spite of no noise heard outside. At least two times of the week I dragged my feet to the workplace in the morning seeing off almost all pedestrians walking faster than I and passing by. It may be because of the fatigue of eyes with long hours of PC work. I also feel other people speaking too fast, and stressed by the particu...

I went skiing today, but I actually skied for an hour. My desire to do favorite things has been fading away since the end of February, and I'm thinking that it's time the desire would recover, but it actually doesn't. I went anyway, hoping that once going to the place, I found myself enjoying skiing. I actually enjoyed a little bit, but I still felt chronicle weariness and found it hard to bump into the mogul lane, and I decided it's better to leave early and have a good rest for the work in two days. If I recover, I like to take a trip riding Shinkansen the bullet train to Tokyo or taking local train to somewhere in Tohoku area and bathe in some hot spring.

Yesterday a little bit before my work for the day ended it was snowing heavily outside. Looking from inside through the window my co-worker said that the snow would stop by the time we left the office. It did. When I left the office no white thing was falling, and I only felt relatively weak (but cold) rain was falling. But what had fallen was the problem. On crossroads the snow puddled the tracks, and it made road condition much worse, slippery, easy to get wet and slow the pace of their walk. Although rain wasn't so strong, it became from the side and umbrella worked little. It was fortunate that I only had to walk to station outside less than 10 minutes and I didn't really get wet so seriously. After I arrived at the station near home, weather became harsher, but more manageable. Instead of paddling water, I saw snow piled 10cm on the road. I still needed enough not to slip, but I was a little bit relieved thinking the paddle I crossed right after I left the office.

Finally I've been home this evening too. I barely remember that I was under the weather and I dragged my feet to work, but even this memory is fading away. Since then I can hardly remember what happened in the day. More strictly, I may be able to remember if I try hard to do. The thing I know is I'm safely home, probably because I did my daily work well thanks to much help of my co-workers. There may have been some trouble in my temper, but I guess this is small enough for me to able to forget. Having said that, the energy left to me is minimum, and I'm going to go to the prayer meeting in a heavy snow and rain for this season, with the last power left for the week.

Going to work daily is hard enough. Much more writing something publicly.

In the recent posts, I've wrote about the cooling system in cooling system in a negative way. I described this as the culprit which freezes my words and make it difficult to mount onto my mouth to say them. This cooling system, however, has some upsides to protect me and prevent me from causing serious meltdown. I'm quick temper and easily heated up. Besides that, I tend to be shocked or overwhelmed when I see a message which is to communicate with me some change. When I'm overwhelmed, at first, I was so shocked that I drag my feet, and my speech loses its power. I know it takes some time for me to really understand what the message want to say and sometimes even to find out the change may be quite beneficial to me. This is how the cooling system works on me in beneficial way.

Fortunately, the siren in my brain beeping for over a week has been stopped by the time I was home in the evening. A siren, a freezer, etc. What is in my brain? It's a mystery. How I manage to go to and come from work without much trouble (as far as I'm concerned) is also a mystery, with such strange contents in my brain. This humorously strange contents of what I have in my brain like may perhaps be a secret why I manage to survive. It was really fortunate that I'm not likely to have dynamites in my brain. In my meltdown, siren loudly sound around me and I'm likely to fall on the ground, without any substantial movement but convulsive ones. When I calm down, I'm usually relieved that no one has been really hurt.

Something is in the way when I put my memory and my thought into mouth to say. It's as if my memory is frozen and prevent the piece from it from going onto my mouth. I wonder there is a freezer in my memory, but what exactly is the "freezer"? My difficulty in speech generated a new question inside me.

On a bus I saw a sticker which inform us of manners of mobile phones on the car. It was written in Japanese and English. I found myself reading out loud the first few word of the notice written in English. Suddenly I saw a vision of some additional words on that sticker. I'll write the notice in blue letters and the vision in red letters. Please set your mobile phone (and yourself) to silent mode and refrain from talking on the phone (and to yourself) . And few people but me talk to myself on a train, bus or subway, whereas I saw sometimes someone was talking on their phone. It was as if someone were telling me that I need to acquire the skill of setting myself to silent mode.

Being present at the testimony and the lunch was the best thing I could. After I was home, I wrote what I'm grateful for. I found it difficult to complete, so I gave up posting it. One thing I'm grateful for was listening to stories about myself. Every participants seemed to enjoy the lunch. I may not be mentally in shape so as to listen to the stories of young people enjoying their lives now yet, and being present silently was best thing I could do then, and leave for a while if I can't really stand to listen or see. I keep in mind God's strength in our weakness just she put in in the morning. If I count my weakness, certainly there are not less than 10, (and if I do with my strength I manage to find around 10), but still, I learned again that I can count on God showing His strength in even in these weaknesses.

When I feel not in shape, I find myself unable to keep up with the pace people around me is just doing. Sometimes I can only speak slowly, and sometimes feel strong urge to say words to check everything in my sight. At work, I've been working among people knowing my pace of doing thing, and I also know how to do things to get things they want by doing things at my pace. Some of people working with me also have disability, even with differences in details, of similar kind, and we get by by taking care of each member's own pace On Sundays I sometimes find myself struggling with the pace people go by. First, when I arrive at church, I hear people speaking too fast. They aren't speaking really fast. They really speaking at their regular pace, but I find myself being able to speak only slowly. When say the Lord's prayer, I sometimes meet a challenge that I hear the prayer the rest people saying very fast. Probably, I only can say the prayer only slowly. Through the wor...

Yesterday I went skiing. I road lifts many times. All the lifts of the ski area can ride either up to 2 or 4 people. Sometimes I road alone. Sometimes I have to ride with strangers. Once I road with an athlete of the Special Olympics. Like me, he was a kind of person who can't help saying to himself. I became a little bit uneasy, but it was OK. May be I, when I can't help saying something to myself, I'm giving other people similar impression. The problem was sometimes I was worse at making conversation than him. He said to me, "Where are you from?" (of course in Japanese) I tried to respond kindly to him, but I couldn't find where to start, worried about too specific or too general. After a few minutes of stuttering, I barely said, "I live near the ****** station and I came from there." He responded that "I have nothing to mention to that. I'm from Miyagino-Ku (or the Miyagino Ward of Sendai city)". This experience reminded me t...

I enjoyed skiing today for the first time in three weeks, in spite of a few troubles. I thought that skiing is a good way of refreshment, but now I think, it's only on condition that I'm mentally in good shape enough to enjoy. Last week, I wasn't up to that condition, and today, I've barely recovered to that point.

I find myself slow to do everything. I speak slowly. I think slowly. I make decisions slowly. I understand the point of joke and laugh out loud slowly. I started for work slowly. This made me have to rush to the station. I read slowly. I understood some of what I read anyway. I worked slowly. I did all I had to do anyway. I took action slowly. I made an effort not to be quick to be angry. This helped me work through this week without major communication trouble. I wrote slowly. I wished I could write more in quantity and more complex things. I'm not in need to write fast anyway, so it's not a problem. I slowly gave up what I tried to do to meet my schedules. This is real problem, which make me always in a hurry in the morning. I'm able to do things but slowly. This is my mental state these days.

I haven't been skiing for three weeks, mainly because I haven't been mentally in shape. It's been fortunate enough that I've managed to work all through this period, without being absent. Tomorrow I plan to go skiing. I'm grad that I've been recovered so much as to regain the desire to go skiing. I'm not sure if I'm able to ski well, for I haven't been fully recovered yet, but once I'm on the slope, I'm sure that I'm going to find myself enjoying. I hope I can manage physical and mental tiredness and will go to work on Monday.

Recently I found myself loving reading documents of descriptions of information technology. I like to read those of fundamental technologies like TCP/IP, http, rather than cutting-edge technologies. I've also found that I like read slowly, at my pace, knowing I'm understanding to some degree. I'm trying to read documents fast like scanning, to follow the pace of business, but it give much pain reading without understanding. I found myself as a recreational information-technologies lover rather than a professional.

I spent new year's holiday (during prolonged unemployment) totally burnt out. I went to the local placement office for an advice. I'd made it as a rule to go there once a month and meet with a staff member for an advice and information about job search, and share my anxiety about my future. By that time I'd begun to doubt about there was no future for me, feeling like a checkmate in looking for a job. The staff would encouraged me that there was no need to despair because things didn't seem to improve one day. Now I notice that I was then at least physically healthy, and athletic enough to be capable of run a half marathon, and go skiing if there was any opportunity. At that time, I couldn't notice the value of my physical fitness.

Watching news programs may help us know what is happening in the world, but many stories of them are either shocking or controversial. Being ignorant of news may be a problem, but watching news at risk of mental health isn't good idea either. I guess this is why I've been trying to avoid watching and listening to news for a few days.

I wish I had a mask to hide my apathy. While shutting down all my emotion is helpful to give less impact than a meltdown to other people and myself when I'm overwhelmed by or have my hands full with my tasks and bad news I hear, it can be fatal to daily communication at work.

I got the CCNA certificate a half year after I began current job. For the beginning of this September, my CCNA is going to be expired. So far the knowledge I learned has made little difference in my work, but studying for it was a good opportunity to obtain basic knowledge of TCP/IP networking. I plan to update the certificate in a few month, and I'll have to review some knowledge I may have forgotten. Moreover, due to the update of the test, I have to learn more about IP version 6 than I studied 3 years ago. Thanks to many online and offline resources, like practice quiz sites and simulators on the web, I can learn the skill required for the test much easier than I only read textbook and just imagine what tests and the appliances I have to know much of. For the beginning, I plan to buy the guidebook for new version of the test, available on Kindle.

An web server is installed on my PC as a local host for experimental purpose. The goal for the time being is implementing a tiny blog with function to post the title and the content of an article, and show articles that has been posted. To manage posts, using a database like MySQL would be useful, and PHPMyAdmin, managing MySQL databases via your web browser, hasn't been installed on my environment. In a few hours of attempt PHPMyAdmin was successfully installed, but there was a problem. Although the test web pages I had created existed under the document root, but they became inaccessible. I tried to find out what was wrong, and I also tried to remove PHPMyAdmin. I couldn't even find "trash" icon to remove it, later I found that it was hidden and by scrolling the console page to the right the icons to edit and remove became visible. I removed PHPMyAdmin and installed again. On a process of setup to decide the virtual host and the path of the application, ...

After I got the national certificate for a software engineer, my attitude towards job hunting became a little bit positive and aggressive a little while. I went to job fairs a few times, and for the first time, I was able to begin conversation with recruiters. I visited several software developers, and Internet carriers. The mistake I made was I was content with just being able to talk with recruiters, which was a huge progress considering how I had been in the same situation. I went a few selection processes, but I couldn't show my performance in a test which probably measure our IQ and efficiency of thinking. I thought doing job hunting activities all by myself was a great progress, but my counselor didn't agree. According to her, I needed to be closely in touch with my supporters. Later, I realized she was right. After job fairs and selection processes ended without substantial result of any job prospect, I felt totally burn out. All I wanted to be was just being s...

I woke up. I felt muscle sore in the back. Although I felt tired to a degree, I think it's too much to manage.

Today I listened to music all the way on the train. What's new about me listening to music? This meant that I didn't listened to news spoken in English. This listening of news help me maintain my English proficiency, but I now know that listening to my favorite music is helpful as well in refreshing me when I'm too tired to clearly understand any language.

Sunday morning, people, and especially the message in Sunday service, spoke too fast to listen to. Actually I could move, speak, listen, and perceive too slow. I barely understood the core of the pastor's message. His highness. I really enjoyed flying a paper craft plane. I also enjoyed playing with an empty can with a two-year-old boy. There was much snow left on the garden of the church. I made and threw snow balls, but I didn't count how many. After I left church, I walked and jogged for lunch. I rented some CDs on the way home. I ran and jogged about 5 kilometers there and back. It was little bit cold, but it was sunny day. The blue color of the sky was really beautiful, when I saw in the garden of the church, when I left the chapel for a while to cope with the yellow light next to the meltdown.

I shared the link of the suicide prevention campaign supported by government on Facebook. This is a way to inform friends of social sites like Facebook, where fun and enjoyable stories are more likely to be accepted, to imply that I'm so down that I'm liable to think much of suicide prevention. I tried to be positive and also to imply that I perhaps need help from someone out of my condition so bad that if it were a little worse, I might be interested in suicide, in stead by telling that I'm interested in I'm interested in suicide prevention.

There is much snow for this time of the year. I wish I lost no time go skiing, seeing this much of snow, but my fatigue doesn't allow this. My mental condition went so bad as to require double sleep as usual. I checked some positions to take balance hoping that I recover as to go skiing next weekend.

I collapsed on the train home today. I couldn't keep standing in spite of only 10-minute ride. I sat several minutes at the station after I arrived. all the passengers who got off the train left there. I need to wait not for a train but recovery at my station. I was too tired to walk forward, but surprisingly I was able to run. I thought once I stop running, I would never go forward again. I rushed home without stopping or speeding down.

After I lost the job, I resumed my study for the national certificate for a software developer. I've been good at logic and principles of computers since I was in university, which was great advantage to this test. Still I needed to supplement knowledge for it. Fortunately, I had gained the motivation to learn about systems more on the job, where I was just a small piece of the work system. I learned by myself about computer networks, databases, estimation of efficiencies of systems, methods to develop a system, the concept of system integration, algorithms, data structures, and application of these pieces of knowledge. It was really exhausting thinking seriously about every piece of logic the model problem for the test required. All I could do was just copying exercise books with a pen, and ponder what I wrote later, dividing into small pieces and sometimes simplifying. When the test finished I was too exhausted to say a word. It was two months later that I knew I pass...

T H A N K I say to my self weakly. my parents. my boss. my employer. the authors of the book which gave me new concept about my work life. counselors and social workers who I talk to once in a while, some of what I really want to speak. the fact that I'm on the road rather than a dead end. the fact that the nasty painful resonance in my head has worn off which almost make me scream and which I barely stand. Some day I need to say that in front of each of them, so now I must at least let today pass rather than I do.

These days I have to engage a lot of energy to sustain postures acceptable to the public. I droop suddenly many times a day when I take sigh. Sometimes I even feel I might as well throw my body to the floor, which I barely refrain from doing. This may be what I'm exhausted like, even I silently shout to myself that "I can stand today. I still can hang in there.", taking some poses cheering me up.

This morning I happened to watch an English conversation program and listen to the story of a raccoon dog with Charo, the little dog, the protagonist of the stories. I saw a raccoon dog several times in my neighborhood, western suburb of Sendai city. I saw foxes many times when I lived in Sapporo, Hokkaido, but I saw none in Sendai, although my father told me that he saw a few times when he was taking a walk in the morning. In forklores of many regions in Japan, both raccoon dogs and foxes are said to transform to a human and sometimes cheat people, but in the story I saw this morning, the raccoon dog used the power of transforming to help a child who had helped him. He had known that people weren't comfortable if a raccoon dog take a form of human, even if he used transformation for a good purpose, and he helped anyway. It's a shame that I can't tell fully the story due to my lack of English proficiency, but this story I happened to watch gave me strong impression ...

Our government is holding a suicide preventing campaign on March. I often see the ads on the train to and from work. On these ads are catch phrases and hotline number people may call when they are really stuck. The campaign ads puts that there is someone who really listen to me. Being listened gives me the sense of satisfaction and secure, and sometimes give sense that I'm approved, my uniqueness is approved by someone. As for me, actually, sometimes even speaking in the air so that no one listens gives me much satisfaction, because I at least know I can check my state of mind, but I admit that being listened give me the satisfaction of better quality as well as just another person I imagine (and I was told so so many times) may well fell like so.

It was like fluid in my brain making big waves in a storm. I plugged my year although I heard nothing strange but cries inside my minds keeping from rising to my mouth. By doing this I was a little bit secured, but not really. I listened to several battle musics of video games repeatedly and made believe that I was beating something safe repeatedly like the beats of drums on these musics.

Skiing on weekends? Jogging? Learning more knowledge or cords of web programing languages such as html, css, php, javascript... etc? Learning basic theories of automatons and regular expressions? Tracing the most simple instances of operations of a 8-bit micro processors? Reading more books by attractive authors on the autism spectrum? Learning about so called neurotypical people and the principles and tendencies they act like and a group composed of them. It's time to quit the self destroying habit that I alienate myself by desperately applying for the method for neurotypical people and ones with the most refined social skills. I need to do things in a way I can not in a way I can't but someone I see can. I see reality that I act according to what I need and they feel what they feel and sometime they may happen to encounter me in awkward manner by accident, not the delusion that people around me are willing to persecute me because I am by nature a trouble maker, (whic...

In elementary school, I had troubles almost every day. The majority of the classmates seemed not to like to talk with me. Sometimes, the classmates even made a rule not to speak a word with me. I was miserable when I needed to talk in our daily task. I talked to a classmate, but I didn't have no response. To draw a response from him, my action escalated. I talked loudly, cried, and screamed, but he just turned his back. I collapsed on the spot and cried and cried. It was a total meltdown. I heard from my back words like, "he does this because he needs attention, and we don't buy it." Teachers also said similar things. At that time, I didn't really know what I felt and what I needed exactly, but through the comments I heard from my back convinced me that at that time I had such a nasty motivation. I didn't even doubt this self image as being a jerk, until recently, when I read a book written by an author on the autism spectrum. Did I really ha...

This morning when I arrived at church, I was not in the state to talk to anyone. I couldn't even sit on the chair. I lay myself with the belly on the cushion of the chair, and supported myself with my arms on the floor. I barely prayed in this awkward posture. I drew several circles and squares and lines. I tried to draw my favorite car, but my dizziness didn't even allow me to engage in this distraction. I couldn't say any intelligible language at all at that time, but I barely understood the message the pastor was delivering, and even predicted what he was going to say next, and only could hum and shout "a i u e o". This was meaningless even in Japanese. It's just the first five letters of Japanese alphabets. Fortunately, minutes later, I was a little bit recovered so far as to write somehow intelligible way, although it had several misspells. It was greatly in my own words, and in my own set of vocabulary which barely makes sense for only those who already ...

A week ago I told about a job interview fair for disabled people I went to 6 years ago. I took five or six interviews. I had a little bit more I wanted to take but the time was up. I was overwhelmed by the company booths, which were 50, and participant, looked like over a thousand participants. I was so exhausted I needed a place and time to recover my energy. I was so nervous that I almost couldn't lift my legs, but anyway I managed to get myself in front of recruiters. At least I talked. At least I answered the question from interviewers. At least I didn't freeze in front of interviewers. I was frozen and almost collapsed after the interview and when I set to go home. It took 30 minutes for me to walk again. I took several interviews. I had so many strong points to appeal. There are few participant who has a specification like me. I thought then that way, and I was confident too much. The result was, I wasn't the person who companies was looking for. I was sho...

I held a split notebook as a sketch book. I held a ball point pen. I tried to something I like, for example an automobile. I only drew several circles, rectangles, and curves, and several meaningless numbers. In my room I shouted silently to myself, I want to die, and I want to live, and both is true, and I'm going to live tomorrow, because people and society allow me to do. The most hard person to persuade to allow me to continue to live is myself, who continually bearing the desire to shout I want to die, dispelling it and then say to myself I want to live. I try to persuade me that most of people I know stand by myself who says I want to live. It's up to me, the key person is me, to choose myself saying I want to live and do things one by one to live today and tomorrow.

I asked several question myself to how I coped with my stress last week. Has your mood been much improved? : Yes. How is your anxiety now? : I still has one but it has become so much weaker that I seldom hear my inner scream and plug my ears. How long will my energy last for week? : I guess at least it'll last until Thursday. Is there anything you are going to make your work for this week more successful? :  Yes. As I have done until last week, I greet in an energetic tone. This will make the mood of the workplace better.

This morning I went to mental clinic and met with the doctor. I spoke what happened this week. Prescription was the same as before. After that I jogged to station. It was 4.5 kilometers from the clinic to the station. I run the first 30 minutes, then I could only walk. I wasn't in shape as good as the month before, when I was fine enough to run through this distance with several rests. Around the station I shopped shoes, shirt, and suit I wear to work. Some of them had been too worn out to show myself professional. Shopping business outfit made me feel more independent than ever before. Until recently this kind of shopping was almost dependent on parents. This may give me more vigor for the work next week.