Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

As I took a seat on a train this morning, I opened the front pocket of my bag to take my Kindle tablet, but there wasn't it. I must have left it home. I did without it and just enjoyed musics and newscasts on my portable music player, sometimes taking some notes on the train. I read books like Pride and Prejudice and Little Women on the train to and from work usually. Before I take up my reading, I read bible verses according to a reading schedule passed by my church. When I got home after work, there must be the Kindle I had left, but there wasn't at first glance. I searched but there wasn't any sign of it in my room. Then I got an idea. After all I had taken it with me today! I was right, except that it was in the middle pocket in which I put in my lunch and drink and don't usually put in my Kindle.

After exchanging good-bye greeting at my work place half past 5 p.m. I felt that last weekend had really ended. On Friday, I had a lot work to do, and made a mistake of communication which displeased the client. On Saturday I enjoyed skiing, but I felt small flashbacks sometimes, and so did I on Sunday, at church and its general meeting. Today I walked to the office, with high spirit, but also with great anxiety. My heart got light I was greeted with a smile. Today, I managed to work through without a major trouble. Tonight will be the time of the rest, I physically had taken on Saturday and Sunday but couldn't mentally have taken then.

After today's service, our church had the general meeting for the year. I had been worried if I was able to attend without damaging my mental health, because I'm not good at sitting and listening for a long time. The meeting went all right, and I was basically O.K. although sometimes my concentration ran out and had some time trips for a while, with my ballpoint pen and sketch book, seeking nostalgic scenes and landscapes.

Earlier in this week I have got slalom punch covers, and today I tried them in the slalom practice. There was no opportunity to use them because I couldn't get closer to the poles. The coach said that carving technique is required. Although I'm able to do it on an easy slope, but I can't in slalom set now. Maybe more free ski with slalom carving is needed for coming 2 weeks.

I work through this week with a lot of help from many people. There are some things I couldn't do well, but there's not much to say about it. Don't worry too much and keep on thinking what pleases people. This is probably the way to find an answer.

I'm writing this taking advantage of today's half holiday. Last night I spent a lot of time and energy in attaching slalom punch covers to my ski poles. At first it seemed to be impossible to screw bolts because they were no longer than necessary. I first need to move the punch cover to lower and tapered point of the pole then screw the bolts, and then moved the punch cover forcefully up to the supposed point near the grip. One bolt is likely to ruined, but I somehow successfully attached the punch covers to the poles. There are other kinds of protectors, and I will need them as my skills get advanced. I'm going to check how they work when I practice slalom skiing on Saturday.

When I'm tired I spend more on coffee. Usually, I enjoy 3-4 cups of instant coffee, about 20 yen for a cup. These days, I tend to have Starbucks VIA cafe au lait for the cup of the beginning of the days. It costs at least 4 times for a cup, 88 to 128 yen for a cup. When I'm tired it's hard to resist the desire to have more expensive instant coffee, however, the cost for tasty coffee, still more reasonable than a can coffee or a cup of drip coffee at Starbucks, may perhaps be one to maintain my mental health.

Fellows on the same spectrum as I am are tough clients if I would work for their satisfaction. I can relate to the stories of them when they suffered at school and in society. In terms of their views, however, for example how they see themselves as, I find it hard to stand for which view. I see myself ,with clear diagnosis, but only with suggestions from doctors I have visited, on somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I'm not sure on what aspect I primarily focus on, the ability, the specific style of behaviors, or the specific style of perception. Only things I can do is that I deeply reflect on what I have done, what I have thought, what I have experienced, and what I have perceived, and then I tell little by little the fruits of this reflection here.

At work I have to control my curiosity, although curiosity is my strong point. At a workplace there are a lot of words going around, including secrets. So far I have been in an environment where I haven't had to care much about secret, but by the change of my workplace, I will have to take more care about secret.

It will be fine if I won't catch a cold. I felt sad when I talked scarcely and only saw people speaking today at church, but I was capable of walk and jog in order to eat out. I ate miso ramen at a Sapporo ramen shop, taking a bus after the service ended. In the bus, I was thinking the I have to thank the members and city staff for contribution, supporting, and setting for the associations. My standpoint is that I'm not sure if I'm really on autism spectrum although I visit a mental clinic for medication, being said that I'm a bit like autism. From what mental specialists have said about myself, my distresses I have experienced in school and job hunting is probably from my "autistic" trait. I probably have repeatedly stated here on this blog, and this is I have had in mind throughout my 30s and at the beginning of my 40s. What has changed in my thoughts is that I have come to think that I have been understood, even though there are only a few people I...

This year's goal hear is increasing in number. I start with increase the number of post in a month up to 100, some time this year, and hope to have 1,000 page views in that month (even though most of the visitors are not real and something like a robot or a crawler). To do this, I have to pace up my posting pace. Probable I may want to tell topics of my local area, instead of keeping to myself, in addition to my personal life and my feelings. Stating a view about something on the web would be better, but I fear of getting response, negative ones and even positive one. (Surprisingly!!) It's fortunate that I have scarcely gotten a comment on my posts, because I have obsession that I have to write a reply, but I'm incapable of it because I often become so disconcerted and disorganized that I get at a loss what to write. This sometime happens in my blog in Japanese. Just saying "Thank You for visiting this post and leaving a comment" would be fine.

Touhou EoSD hard level, this is I find it exciting again. It's the 6th Touhou shooter and the first Touhou shooter running on Windows. I'm surprised that it's almost 15 years since this shrine maiden bullet hell shooter debuted. The first time I got this game was about 7 years ago. When I watched a let's play video on Niconico last week, I suddenly wanted to play myself too.

I counted as a pronunciation drill when I was bathing. I got breathless. It's difficult to pronounce "seven thousand" fluently, pant, and I have to say it, pant, repeatedly many hundred times. By the way I mistook "punt" for "pant" here. When I listen to a news report I'm sometimes surprised when a reporter has already spoken long without breathing, say, 20-30 words and still add a few phrases. How long the reporter's breath last while speaking! This is why I restarted this pronunciation drill to pronounce many numbers efficiently.

Last Saturday I practice giant slalom and slalom skiing. I didn't have protector, so I just attached a chin guard on my helmet. It worked. To ski closer line I want to be equipped with protectors, but they are expensive (cheaper than skies, though) costing at least 25,000 yen for a minimum set.

On Saturday and Sunday, we had much snow. According to news, it snowed in wide areas and some area had huge amount of snow. Around home we have snow of the height of ankle. I plowed the snow in front of home. Until last year my father did, and I decided to do it, time permitting, from this year.

When I'm tired, my decision to go to bed tend to delay. This make my sleep shorter and the quality of one worse. It's a vicious circle.

Even if my head swing from left to right, it'll be all fine as long as my head and upper body go ahead downhill, while making turns. When I watched my skiing, giant slalom and slalom practices, I was shocked to see my head was unstably swinging from left to right, and right to left each time I made a turn. I was disappointed with my clumsy skiing form, but I changed my thought. First I want to focus on put my weight on my outside ski when I initiate a turn. Making a movement in a right direction, considering the line of a desirable course, would be better. The movement of inside ski and my head may be sophisticated when I get highly used to these basic movements.

I have found that not all my flashbacks aren't bad for me. Some of them, instead of hurting me, remind me of good old memories. For example, I suddenly recall cars when I was a child. I have liked to watch automobiles. I remember cars when I was 5 years old or so, and the memories of the cars are pleasant for me. I'm even thinking that some flashbacks help me defend me from daily stresses, drawing picture of those old good memories. Note that this happened when I was attending a worship service today. A problem is that sometimes I write some languages, sequences of "words", sequences of alphabets that actually make sence.

Thanks to all the helps, I attended a worship service. I was thinking that all my flashbacks aren't bad, when I was drawing cars of late 70s and early 80s.

I'm planning to record my speech. I hope to record my speech once a week. What to speak is the problem. I'm thinking of transcribing news and talk shows for a short time and I will read these transcriptions. Then I can compare my speech from the original recording, and when I try again, I'm going to try to closer to the original speech. It will be a good speech practice. One problem is it takes great efforts. An effort to transcribe, an effort to arrange recording environment and comparing environment, and one concerning how and where to store my recording.

I entered Sendai International Half Marathon. The race will be Sunday, May 14, 2017. Its application began 8:00 P.M., January 10 on the Internet. It become so popular that the application was closed in 30 minutes. I opened the application page right away after the application began, but I had to wait more than 5 minutes to advance to the next page, and it took 25 minutes to finish all the process. It was fortunate that I finished all application process before it was closed. My next concern is the training for the race. I would like to jog as long as possible, but a day after my entry, it snowed in Sendai and it become much disadvantageous condition for jogging. I hope road condition will soon become fit to jog, and at the same time I want to find a way to build stamina for the race even if road condition is bad for jogging.

Autism, is it something to be removed? Or is it just another type of human being? I can't answer to this question. I, as you see, have language, and have a job. Although my struggles are real as well, I hear that there are a lot of cases of struggles many thousand times than mine. Ones who don't have language, or with serious behavioral problem. Although my behavioral problems, mainly social awkwardness, I can't answer the question whether autism is something that should be beaten. Instead, I can answer one question. I have to beat my lack of confidence through long struggles, if I want to succeed.

A few days ago I searched the Internet for posts by people fighting with suicidal thoughts. One rational advice is going to a hospital as soon as possible. Regretfully, when my suicidal thought was critical I was in elementary school. In elementary school, prejudices and stigmas about mental hospitals was so strong that no student would seek a solution for a mental hospital even if a student feel much distressed at school, being a target of bullying or repeated embarrassing experiences in classrooms.

I'm always mumbling something about suicidal thoughts. Sometimes I'm much embarrassed when I notice myself uttering something about suicide, when I'm alone or even when I'm in a public place. These days, however, although I'm always uttering something about dying, my suicidal thought has been much weakened and about to disappear. Years ago and even when I was a child, that is when I was 9 to 10 years old, my suicidal thought was much stronger. At that time I perceived that everyday was survival, having to survive bullying from fellow students, severe instruction from teachers and fellow students because they say me as not able to behave at school, although I was thinking I was doing relatively well, especially in that I knew a lot about mathematics and science. Now I can explain how I misbehaved by not complying with "the law and order of the classroom", but when I was 9 years old, and not until 25 years old, I had no idea that behaving in a classroom ...

If I take other participants as clients... Some participants want to tell the group's purpose and activities. We need to decide what to tell and with what media. If we are to issue a magazine, there should be several contribution articles from more than three members. Besides of that, more than one members have to work as editors. Perhaps, some design works may be required.  I'm thinking of a sample issues with sample articles and a sample layout, but illustration of the sample issue probably going to be really awful, because I'm really poor at drawing persons unlike I'm good at drawing automobiles. Some seek collaboration with other groups with the same objective as ours and different regions. The first task required for this is listing up organizations in our country which have similar objectives to ours. Then the next task will be writing letters for the organizations they pick up as they want to make contact and collaborate with. I personally think that in...

Today is Coming Of Age Day. I was celebrated my Coming Of Age 21 years ago, in August, 1995. At that the city I was grown up celebrated Coming Of Age in August, when many people return home during Obon holidays. Although many people would see me as a lot of hope ahead, just having entered a university in April of that year, I felt nervous and miserable. Perhaps in that period, around the age of 20, was the one when I felt the most nervous every day. I was really exhausted with circle activities and activities preparing for a peace camp event, obsessing about engaging in some activities and keeping in touch with people. What I feared then was I would become alone, having nothing but studying hard, which later turned out the style that suited me much better. My obsession about extra activities and friends in university made me really nervous, almost incapable of speaking anything without assistance from fellow students, teachers, or other adults. Today I saw a few guys just being c...

Growth as a serviceman of IT infra services. Getting certificates of LPI, Cisco, and ones on business etiquette. Seeking to the point communication, especially reporting to and making a suggestion to my boss. Learning accurate knowledge and technique of HTML, CSS, and web script languages. I like computers, so I would like to help people with knowledge of computers and information technologies.

Larger the character of an article, the better. In the last half of 2016, I was thinking that way, reading how-to article of basic business etiquette, writing, information technologies, and RFC and documentations of some Internet and Web features. English being my second language, too small characters or too many (more than 200) characters in one line greatly discourage me from reading the article any further. The most desirable layout is approximately 90 characters in one line, in full browser width (I prefer 900 pixels as browser windows width and with to the left text editor with width 250 pixels). Many web pages has aside contents, but basically I don't these aside contents or widget to take the place (width) of readable place. I would prefer if I can call these aside contents with icons. I'm thinking of customizing the layouts more readable to me, and although it's not an easy job, I should want to edit my blog layout to comply with my preference. To increase my...

I scanned 1,000 sheets of documents in my room to clean up it. My documents has been a little bit reduced, but there are still a lot of documents. So on beginning of new year, I continue to scan more and more sheets. Moreover, my drawing and documents from church are on the increase, so I need to scan faster than the pace my documents increase. Also, I see dusts all over my room, so I have to do other cleaning task to make my room cleaner.

It looks like I'm not mentally healthy enough to take an active role in a group of a disability. It's not good idea to push myself too hard when it can cost my mental health. Our group is about to change, getting less intervention of supervisors and running the group on their own. Members are being supposed to decide what to discuss, and what and how to tell about the group by themselves. I have been thinking, in these 2 years, that if I had more energy, I could use the know-how to run a member meeting in my workplace, but if I would do, it would be over my limit and I would get nervous wreck even more. The only thing I can do is to judge whether now I'm capable of participating in the group and its meetings, considering my work-life balance.

I got a 32GB micro SD memory card to store music. I also got a card reader for this and an extend cable. I tried to move music files on my hard drive to memory card but I come across more than 10 errors. The card or the card reader perhaps is not as reliable as I had expected.

I like to view catalogs and picture books of sports cars. I like to view data of the cars as well as their pictures. I especially like to view pages of 70s-90s sporty cars in Japan such as Skyline GT-R, Honda Type R or Subaru rally cars. Recently my preference has been changing. I'm thinking about getting a real car, hoping to facilitate my skiing activities. Considering my budget, tax and maintenance costs, I want to be more realistic and my only choice will be budget K-cars or K-vans. Considering my purpose, although my choice may be one of those cheapest cars, all-wheel-drive is desirable even if it looks just a delivery light van. In this way in my eyes these days delivery K-vans are as preferable as sport cars or premium cars.

Today I went skiing taking advantage of long holidays. The last time was 11 days ago. I wanted to go some time in year-end holidays, but I couldn't because of a cold. Now I've been cured from the cold and I got healthy enough to go on skiing. It was a little bit foggy weather with wet snowfall in the morning. By the noon the rain let up and sometimes blue sky appeared. There was much less snow than expected, and only 2 courses was open. The holiday has been over and today is work days for most of business person, so the mountain was not so crowded, but still I saw a lot of young people, parents with children.

On the third day of this year I spent inside home all the time. In the morning, I viewed Haokone Ekiden on TV. In the afternoon I viewed wiki sites of Dragon Quest series, and then prepared for skiing for tomorrow. My body temperature has already come down to my normal level and other symptoms of cold don't appear either. However, my appetite hasn't recovered fully and my will to do various thing is also low.

My tears and sighs when I can't help feeling when I'm feeling myself out of place. I'm obviously out of these families, even though church is one family in a sense. This perhaps may be a sense that I haven't really been the great family of church. Anyway, it really happened me that I couldn't help feel I'm out of place in this time and situation of parents and children. I may be wrong when I feel that way and I even feel my heart is being town from the left and from the right. I smiled instead. I grinned and glared at the kids when they are trespassing because they probably need discipline, although I would more like to having fun together with this. This is in the middle of worship service. A worship service is one of the places I often get wrecked. Sometimes I don't understand simple word, and not able to sit still for a long time, especially on Sunday, when I have already been a nervous wreck to relax from weekdays stress I have to endure on the ...

What about trying to express more clearly my ideas I have already held years ago? I have hundreds of small ideas I have failed to express anyone in person or to publish somewhere on the Internet. Creating new idea is really hard, but expressing my ideas and opinions which I haven't communicated is much easier, if not it's really easy. Therefore, expressing my small ideas and opinions hear will become a new theme to me and to this blog, especially for this year. "Be courageous a little bit more!" I shouted to myself, and the following action will be finding a keyword to access my stored, sometimes "frozen" ideas in my head. To arrange, put out and "thaw" my idea, typically I write some words or draw some shapes in mind or how my right (rarely, left) hand wishes to. However strange and irrelevant, I won't care. Wait until some keywords related to what I'm thinking daily, about my life, my career, and my fellows'. To present id...

I'm on the way of recover from my cold, recovering the faculty to sweat. Today was Sunday's service as well as new year, so I attended it but I limited my contact to persons to the least, afraid of my cold would be infectious. My body temperature has come down to my normal level, however I sometimes cough and some of my joints sore. This make my movement much slower than usual, and this also made me even much more shier than how I'm much shy usually. Time and good care will solve most of my problems I have now, but sometimes I feel a bit of loneliness and anxiety. This is why I would like to make a progress daily, even though it may appear trivial.

The new year 2017 has just started. I wish everybody will have a good year. I also wish I myself will have a good year just like last. I'm thinking of setting new goal. It will be fine if it can be achieved by small daily actions.