Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

It was back to when I was around four grade in elementary school that I felt myself limping not because of my physical problem but because I felt something strange in my mind. After I grew up, I feel such behavior of limping with miserable feeling of mental downturn. I thought vaguely that something was wrong with my mind, but going to mental clinic was the idea the majority of the classmates like to stigmatize. Special education was also target of stigma. Classmates and even teacher said, "if you don't behave well, you'll go to special classes." In my childhood, although I had some sign that something was wrong, but these support institution was not the places to rely on but target of stigma and the last place I liked to go.

Thanks to all the help and support, I worked through this week. The last half of the week, every morning I felt as if I had heard myself screaming. I had hard time with bearing my desire to shout when I was going to work. I thought I needed a psychological checkup. I wish I were in shape enough to go skiing for this weekend, but it's time I met with the doctor.

Had a check up in the morning. Was hungry until noon. Shrunk by 1cm to 178cm, still the second highest in the lifetime. Had apparently no problem but had to miss the monthly meeting of adults in the spectrum in the evening at city support center because I needed a lot of sleep for tonight.

One reason I can update my blog every day is easy access to the edit screen of blog. I only have to turn on the browser and choose the tab of the dashboard, then just click "New post" button. I don't necessarily come up with the idea of what to write, but just activating the new post page, I can type several words which are just in my mind now. I may want to apply this "easy access rule" in working out web coding required for my work and for study for future achievement. Regretfully, until I take up with the editor used in web coding I need several clicks. More exactly, just launching the editor, since it's on my desktop, I can do by one double click, but the problem is it takes many times and clicks to locate the folder I want to work on. For more efficient trial-and-errors I need to customize my PC setting for me to easily to access to my working folder.

Personal matters, especially about what I feel inside are grave factors of my daily life, but they are much irrelevant to my work, and this is likely to be true no matter what my work would be. In this respect this kind of personal matter may be an impact on my work and the business I work for. I'm much grateful that my boss is ready to listen to my such matters as long as she isn't too busy. Having someone who are readily to relate to what I talk about what I feel inside give me much comfort. However I don't want to forget that my boss is responsible for the business we work for, and the reason she relates to the matter is that it is a factor that can be an impact on the business and it is a factor that may affect my performance with which I contribute to my work and the business. This is what I reflected on after I read the first half of Drucker's Management, then I reflected on my feeling inside. Transportation to and from skiing by bus is so long that it can b...

In this morning I was about to ride the train I usually ride to work. This train's doors are semi-automatic, which passengers open and close a door by pushing the open or close button near the door. The reason why the door aren't full-automatic is for efficient heating. By giving passengers a choice to close the doors while a stop, it can keep the cars warm. If the doors were open throughout stops at stations, the heat in the car would be lost, making passengers feel cold, and using unnecessary heat to warm the cars again. There is, however, a downside in the train door system. If a passenger isn't careful enough for the succeeding passengers riding on the train, they might be caught or trapped by the door. It's probably because this kind of troubles have been often reported that I sometimes see posters which give us alert that we want to be careful enough if there aren't succeeding passengers about to ride train before we push the close button. This morning thi...

Monday morning I woke up with my fatigue left much. I was even in despair. I felt as if I had no hope in my future and I were totally incapable. I rode train to work anyway. I draw an automobile and circles on my sketchbook. At this rate my bad mood was prevailing in my office, making more stressful and depressing atmosphere, and making my condition even worse. I decided to write my upsides to get up my mood. These were 10 reasons I could continue to work today: I've been successful to ride the train to work as usual. I gripped my pen to draw some pictures and letters. I wrote some alphabets and several words which make sense I looked up the meaning of the words; work, workout, task, prone, liable, apt, disposition, and mood, to more likely to be able to communicate. I made up my mind to walk from the central station to work without delaying from most of pedestrians. I remembered the message of yesterday's worship service and didn't forget to read bible verse...

In August of that year I lost my job. I thought I could find the next job before long. I was positive about my job experience, and I was looking forward to beginning a new one. Although I was nervous when I think about job interviews, I was ready to prepare for ones. There was an opportunity for a few months. A job interview fair for disabled people held by the prefectural placement office for the mid of September. Tens of companies which were our prospective employers participated in, but taking interviews of all those companies was not feasible in the limited three or four hours of the afternoon of that day. On that day, I was overwhelmed by all the participants, companies and applicants. Applicants were those with physical, intellectual, and mental disabilities. Some were newly graduates from special education. Probably I was more nervous than any other applicants. Although the idea of taking interviews many time was really exhausting, I apparently appealed myself, especially ...

When I major in mathematics, I took several computer programming course. I liked computers and their theories, but easily overwhelmed by things I'm learning newly. In a first couple of classes, the only thing I could was sitting in front of computer, staring at the teacher, rolling my eyes restlessly, then rolling necks, and finally banging the keyboard of computer and quit the classroom. Outside the classroom, probably with hyperventilation, I was at a loss what to do. Probable no one thought that I could continue the classes. But several weeks later, when I sat in front of the computer of the computer room, I entered some codes anyway, with handout I barely brought home, and a few hours later, I discovered that the things I'm learning was at last understandable and manageable to fair extent. It was surprising that many students had a trouble in making their own cords to work out their homework. Several students asked me for an advice. It was even more surprising that...

When I feel down and depressed, it's good to think my upside. My Upside I instantly come up with is Write letters neatly Accurate data entry Relatively rich knowledge and high accuracy on my native language Ability to think things logically and structurally Long lasting concentration in engaging in work Curiosity in depth in several different fields In working out this I find unexpectedly many upsides I often forget and there are many more. This makes myself a little bit positive and assertive even though my physical weariness mental decline is real. When I was too depressed to write, I try to work out this task again. In the next workout, I'll find different upsides such as closely sympathizing with children, as well as similar ones as these. I have to be conscious of my downsides, my laziness, and dependency.

Through experiences of assisted job hunting and work, I'm understanding that job hunting was and is marketing of myself for the first time. In marketing something you need to make an attractive advertisement. In my past, I unconsciously put advertisement that I was unfit person to any position, by stupidly withdrawing behavior. I knew a few days ago this was my mistake. Just now I came up with a view from slightly different angle. I had my self image that I'm like a machine out of order, usually only making horrible noises, and sometimes really working and making fair results. If I had understood the concept that job finding is about marketing and putting up ads of myself (understanding this had still been something I should have acquired), the problem lay that I had (and have) never seen an ad for a machine out of order. But I needed (and even now I understand all the more that I will need) put an ad for one. Making an ad for a machine out of order may be an exciting c...

There was some days in life when I had nothing to talk about. Sometimes I tried to talk anyway but could talk only nonsense and I was miserable in that conversation. Today may be such a day, although I don't feel really bad. The problem is I've made up my mind that I post every day in this blog. I remember a lesson in a writing class. The first lesson was to write something. When nothing come up with just writing "I have nothing to write" was OK. Although I don't have much to write today (about my past experience, I was too tired to write), but by just taking up writing, I've find a few thing to write. I wonder how many times I write articles with a title "I have nothing to write today".

This week working without much trouble I have had my hands full. Yesterday I felt so weary that it took 25 minutes in 1 kilometer walk to work from the station nearby. All pedestrians passed me by. I guess I was the slowest pedestrian around the station last morning. Fortunately I managed to finish that day's work, struggling with my fatigue. I thought I was too tired to speak in counseling. Talking about myself was the moment to release myself, but it risked some sleep cut last night and left some physical fatigue. Fortunately this wasn't so terrible as one I felt the morning of the day. Today it took 15 minutes to work. I had still a lot of data to enter, but it was still manageable. But I still had to cope with my temper in communicating with my colleagues. It was thanks to the help from my colleagues that I managed to work through this week. It's fortunate that I've finished the work for this week safely, but it's real that I have to manage my fatigue for ...

During the counseling tonight I discussed with my counselor working out with him the description of my characteristic and the autism spectrum. I was overwhelmed because I perceived this as a huge work if I was resourceful enough to accomplish this to make lots of people understood, prospective employers and fellow young adults on the spectrum. Putting my struggle before and after I found a job into words may be able to bridge those on the spectrum in their attempts to talk about themselves and the mainstream part of society.

LED traffic lights are frequently seen on streets of the city. Last evening I wondered if these lights have still three lamps, green, yellow, and red. Now we have LED lamps and why not show these three colors in one lamp. Green, yellow, and red in one lamp, as already implemented in electric information boards of such as public transportation, which can show letters in three colors, green, orange, and red, and actually has only green and red LED units both of which are lit when it shows orange color.

Tonight I'm going to meet with a social worker. It will be first counseling in this year. I had been amazingly in good shape in the first month and this year. I'm not so bad yet, but overwhelming amount of data to enter affect my condition little by little.

When I went to the vocational rehabilitation center of Miyagi, I was advised to meet with a doctor specialized in developmental disabilities and have him write the description of my characteristic. I understood (misunderstood) this description was for future employer. When I meet with the doctor, I was asked a question. "Isn't it you that you need the description?" I answered no. It wasn't I that directly needed. I was already informed of my characteristic as on the autism spectrum. It was the future employer that'd directly need the description. I was just advised to do so. The doctor said, "Then I have nothing I can do for you." In this way I failed to get the description. I didn't understand that it was I that needed to inform the future employee of my characteristic, instead of the doctor or the staff of the job center. In this sense it was I that really needed the description.

I was dismissed after I worked 5 months. I didn't have I had serious problem. In reflection on my work then, my problem was that I'm fussy about work. I preferred data entry on a computer to opening envelopes. My mistake was I showed explicitly in my facial expression and even my behavior. I cried, while working with all my concentration since I knew I was going to be dismissed. Losing my income source was one of what I was sad about, but the worst thing I was sad about was I lost my goal and target towards which I improve myself and build up my skills.

I'm not by nature a philanthropist. This is one reason why I need to be in Christ. My employer recommends to be one, and he is one, and thanks to him, I can be at work now. But I realize I'm not by nature one but I'm by nature curiosity-driven person especially when I'm tired from communications. In Christ, I hope to help his mission to provide disadvantaged people (I'm one of them) with employments.

Curiosity is my primary motivation. I've been trained to think about others' benefit. Memorizing numbers on the sines along the railway I commute daily (although it's hard thing to do but I'm still interested) is an example of my curiosity, and I doubt this kind of memory do any benefit to other people. Different curiosity may benefit others, but when I feel tired the direction of my curiosity goes in a way in which I don't make sense for anyone else.

I'm working on my "engine noise" and "emergency signal". This morning I especially reflected on my emergency signal, how I needed one regularly and the lack of imagination that this is unusual situation, in spite and all the more I've been involved daily in troubles in interacting with people. Emergency has been part of my daily life in that I'm always feeling something wrong with me when I'm in or interacting with a socialized group. In definition an emergency signal is for informing people with unusual accident, whereas I have needed an "emergency signal" daily, feeling something strange happening in my mind triggered by quite an ordinary daily event, giving way to the feeling of urgent. I thought that I wasn't so different from others, such as classmates, but with further reflection, there might be critical difference between them and me. My life so far has been the process to refine the way of these "emergency calls...

I learned from the event Jesus was tested by the Devil after 40 days of fast. Today's topic was the fast test in which the Devil told Jesus to turn stones into bread. The pastor told us that his past misunderstanding that the Devil's temptation was about Jesus' hunger. He continued that if it were so, the Devil could tell Jesus to he could tell bread. I couldn't even imagine Jesus' hunger, which shows how little I've been familiar with bible verses. The Devil's temptation what I understood was the way Jesus would use to save us, and Christians would use to bring people into salvation. The salvation shouldn't be done by our power, but the word of God. The pastor also told that Christians are more likely to meet temptation because the world going against God and we are likely to be tempted to solve problems in worldly way instead of relying on God's words. The message continued, but this is all could listen while my concentration lasted. Afte...

I didn't do and think much in this weekend. I'm not sure if I'm really relaxing, but I'm sitting in front of my desk or lying on my bed watching videos of let's play a video game. It's only on Saturdays and Sundays I can be at home without doing things much and with acting like a person I don't know much. I'm thinking that this may be one form of relaxing which helps me be active on weekdays at work. On Sunday I went to church. I needed to go out of the chapel when I was liable to speak to myself. Every time I returned to the chapel I knocked the door three times, in the appropriate way when I enter my office returning from washing hands, and it was not until I knocked the door that I notice that it wasn't the appropriate behavior to enter a chapel when pastor is delivering a message. My judgement have been well obtained in a very limited situation, but I'm liable, especially when I'm tired, to apply for the same method for doing the same p...

Even at simple work, on a real job gave much more clearer imagination than any job training I had experienced. In my first job, my daily work was to open envelopes, check forms in them, match the form IDs to other information, and enter data to change status. A trivial task like opening an envelope is an essential part to the huge system of the project. This strengthened the motivation to study more about computer systems and information technologies, giving the concept that information technologies existed before people began to use computers in business, for in clerical works plenty of information was and is dealt with by many employees, and the use of computers in such information processing at work is finding out what type of work can be made much easier by power of a computer. For example, same processes in millions of forms may well be dealt with processed by a computer rather than using thousands of human office workers. I had to concentrate on work with my hands in a large ...

On the second day Living Independently on the Autism Spectrum: What You Need to Know to Move into a Place of Your Own, Succeed at Work, Start a Relationship, Stay Safe, and Enjoy Life as an Adult on the Autism Spectrum , I read through one fifth of the book. It's already given me a great essential set of vocabulary to describe and explain what problems I've had in coping with emotions, managing my thoughts, and handling human relationships and what the potential solutions are. I have been studied English for a long time, but this book is more useful than any learning material, in talking about myself. This also has made me think that struggling with these problems has been the main part of my life, at least in my perception. For further reading, I'm also going to get the vocabulary of how to describe my strength and build confidence, beyond the difference from main-stream people of my age.

On Friday my performance was down because I worked on data entry too fast a pace. Fortunately, my mental state hasn't gone bad so far. I'm going to have a rest for this weekend and I'll control my pace at work for the next week.

I got job in a back-office of the postal service, thanks to the job opening for the disabled and the support from my job coach, who explained my strength for me. It was 6 years ago. My first job was to open envelopes. The team had tens of thousands of envelopes, so I needed to open more than a thousand envelopes a day. Simple task as it was, I needed to learn how to open as fast as possible, and in a sustainable way. It wasn't so bad as I had imagined, for it was single task, and when I was working, there weren't interruptions in the way I don't want. I was advised to rest 10 minutes every a work hour. I thought I could continue in two or three hours, but not only it had bad effect on my hands and elbows, but also continuing work too long affected my temper. When I worked in a hurried way, my temper was more easily disturbed by a small interruption. I needed to know how continuing to go to work daily, because it was my first job. To continue to work I needed to cope w...

I missed the prayer meeting for this evening. I limped home having burnt out with work of the day. I had failed in controlling my pace when we have a lot of data to enter. I'm grateful that I have been prayed so that I will be able to go to work tomorrow.

In spite of my faith in Christ, I sometimes find going to church stressful because there I meet many people when I'm already feeling stressed and can't afford to behave as a normal adult. For example, in spite I love to sing songs, I even needed earplugs when they were played, in the last half of last year when my physical and mental state was really bad. To cope with this problem I'm looking for resources and information of how adults on the autism spectrum are managing their church lives. Although this search is still on the way, I've come to know a wonderful book in knowing and coping with myself as an adult on the autism spectrum; Living Independently on the Autism Spectrum: What You Need to Know to Move into a Place of Your Own, Succeed at Work, Start a Relationship, Stay Safe, and Enjoy Life as an Adult on the Autism Spectrum by Lynn Soraya. I knew of her first on the article Bullying, Hypocrisy, and Church: An Asperger Perspective on Religion on the site...

I'm reading books on web programing on the train to and from work. There are several reputed books, and there may be a few must-read books on this subject, but in my case, reading as many books as possible also help my understanding as well as reading one book repeatedly. It's been about 20 years since I was first interested in computer programming. I've believed that I was really interested in computer and I was really cut out for this field. 20 years passed and I've made few results computer programming, meanwhile great works done by many people in IT field especially in the Internet and web technologies. I think if I were really cut out for the field, I might well be among a member of one of those projects which have mad innovative result. My problem has been focus. I guess the difference from those who are great success was that I haven't have any clear goal, and still am struggling with setting a goal in my career. This problem is a topic I'd like to ...

The year 2007 began with chickenpox. By mid February I was cured and allowed to go out. Some rushes remained and even now they sore when I'm too tired. The job coach had informed me of job offers for the disabled, and I applied for the interview. Actually it was done by full assistance by the job coach. I wrote a resume, but I was dependent on him about what to write, and I went the job interview, which was put off for February because of chickenpox, with the job coach. At that time just deciding to go to an interview, lifting my body to the venue was the work I could at best, even with the assistance from caregivers. In the interview, I was so nervous that I said many times that I was gonna escape. I entered the interview room anyway with the job coach. I said my name when asked. Then I was asked the motivation for the work. I try to answer, but I stumbled. The job coach explained for me my strength and attitude towards work. Even though I faltered, I thought I did well in...

In the end of last year, the stress from work life was becoming too strong to bear, and I came to say to myself what I thought in an isolated place. Later, my stress became even stronger and I went so far as to listen to what I was thinking to myself even if I said myself nothing. I also nearly began to speak my thought in public. I actually uttered a few words. It was nearly what hearing voice was like. Two month passed, and fortunately I recovered. I think a lot of things, but my thought is under my control usually.

As for me after all I understand languages. All I need is take His words. Although the question arises what if he hardly understand languages. I have such a few friends from day care activities. While I'd like to have feeling for them, I should be grateful that I understand languages to some degree. Even though unfit behavior which alienate me much make me is a problem serious enough often to disappoint myself greatly, non-verbal is not my case, and I should take advantage that I understand words. Wishing scream of pain from uneasiness becoming scream of joy in the near future.

It may be obvious to typical adults, especially office workers, but controlling your emotion on your own is a key to continue your work. As for me however, it has taken for more then ten years to realize and try to achieve this. I've been thinking that someone to talk to when I become emotional was essential to the working environment I would be in. To cope with stresses and emotional changes from events or changes of environments, the first thing I learned is put my emotions into words and quantify them, instead of resorting to rash behaviors. From the beginning of the training, I was accompanied with the counselor who well understand this approach. So, I was thinking that if I would be at work, there should be at least one person in the working environment who understand the approach and who listen to my way of stress coping. Recently I learned that, to be employed by a business you should be able to manage your emotion and behavior on your own. At that time, I was much dep...

The year 2007 began with chickenpox. After new year's service I played with kids. I enjoyed very much. After I went home, I felt a little bit weary. I had a fever. I also had several rash in my skin, which gives much pain. The next day my fever rose to 39 degree Celsius. I went to a hospital nearby. I had chickenpox. The high fever continued 5 days, and it took 3 weeks for me to go out again. Meanwhile, a job interview was scheduled. Fortunately, the interview was postponed when I spoke about my chickenpox.

I went to Sunday service, but I could understand a few words. In contrast to my mental condition until yesterday, I was mentally out of shape, and I could speak only few words. I couldn't help drawing circles and triangles during the worship service. I heard message from bible verses, and checked our understanding of Christ. I was vaguely conscious of the point, and tried to take notes, but all I could do was write some sequence of meaningless numbers and lines and curves which don't really make any sense. I felt strong uneasiness and an urge to spasmodic shouts and spins, so I took temporary exit, from the backdoor. I exited after knocking the door three times just I was trained to enter the room of the workplace. I was much embarrassed with these series of confused behaviors, but even my misbehavior show progresses I have made to adjust to work environments.

I have been in shape physically and mentally for a month. Especially, it's remarkable that these days I haven't been feeling depressed. It'd been long since I've forgotten the feeling of what is that I'm not under mental depression. I had never felt that feeling since I entered in my 30s. I felt a little of it in a short period when I was successful to enter master's course in my late 20s. Even though there is much delay in my growth mentally and socially, I've also been feeling a big progress of this kind of growing.

As well as behavioral problems, little imagination for work lives was fatal problem for looking for and finding a job. The job center for disabled planned for me the opportunities for workplace visits and internships. Before I went to pilot vocational rehabilitation program in Chiba the year before, the job counselor had planned an internship program for me, which was suspended due to the program. At that time, my anxiety was so great that I was reluctant. After the mock factory program ended, in addition to counseling from a staff member of the job center, I went monthly to local placement office and meet with a staff member specialized in employments of disabled people. The staff member advised me to show job offers I was interested in, and then he tried to arrange the visits to the workplaces of the job offers. Most of the workplaces kindly turned down, but thanks to the staff member, I had a few experiences of visit to workplaces and talked to the employees. I lacked whateve...

I scribbled instead of screaming. I was too weary to read anything with concentration or write anything for study or self enlightenment. The days of work in front of a PC screen most of the workday made me so fatigued that I felt like screaming as I had done since I was in the first year of elementary school until recently. I think it may be almost a miracle for me not screaming for two months. This morning I might well have been screaming on the train to work. Instead I scribbled and scribbled. As the destination drew near an automobile was drawn. It was a car of a few years before I was born, and it was the car among the most frequently seen when I was a kid, say, around age 3. Mother says that I had the delay of speech, and I didn't speak until I was 3 years, and by the time I began to speak I knew the names of most cars I saw on the road. It was surprising that a car of my childhood memory was made out of just scribbling out of fatigue from the daily work. It m...

Focusing on ability rather than disability is productive thinking, but I'm thinking that thinking this way can be a mistake when I asserted that focusing on ability is important in meetings  discussing disabilities. Participating in the meetings of city developmental support center consisting of young adults with developmental disorders, I was a little bit uncomfortable when some participants focus too much on their disabilities, difficulties, and problems. I wanted rather to focus on our advantages in spite of our developmental uniqueness , which in my later reflection I found many adults with developmental disorders have difficulty in finding. Probably my mistake has been escaping from and turning my blind eyes to the existence of disabilities and problems with them. My way of thinking also lacks the understanding of people with disabilities, which our group has required from people, communities, society. The problem with disabilities should be well considered and taken ca...

After the half year of mock factory training ended, I continued to go to the job center twice a month. In addition meeting with the job counselor, I met with a job coach regularly. At that time I didn't have any specific prospect for a job, but job matching began anyway. The job coach well understood my history so far, and paid respect to my intelligence, my academic achievement, and my potential capability. This helped me recover my self esteem greatly. I had appreciated all the care given through job rehabilitation and day care, but this was the first experience since I came to Sendai, losing confidence that I ever had intelligence and even speech.

going to prayer meeting. having a problem with make a speech fluently. made a lot of images for buttons and banners in a website. I'm grateful that my co-worker entered information I'm to do daily. This time of the year we have lot of data to enter. I'm grateful that I can speak by my mouth with my voice and I can make sense usually for last three months. There were days in the past years I didn't have voice and communicated with a pen and notepad. This hasn't happened these several months. Today my neck, chest, shoulders, elbows, wrists and my hip limped while standing on the commuting train and babbled sometimes. I'm sorry that I can guess somebody became uncomfortable. I'm grateful that I was home safely and write this. I'm grateful that all passengers probably was home safely thanks to the train too. I may also be limping to my church for a prayer meeting, but even my limping mind and body I might be able to show my gratefulness.

Today a lot of PC work has caused me many stumbles in my speech. Also as I came home looking into a mirror my eyes were red. I wish I could work on sequels to my stories I've already written, but keeping my mind and body in shape with a rest is part of my duty as well as I have to do my best during my work hours. Looking back on the period when I was looking for a job, I didn't have the opportunity to think about pace control because when I was tired, no one forced me to do more because I hadn't achieved anything. It was reasonable considering the idea that finding job isn't the goal, but it's essential milestone in your life from where I work even harder. Burnout in job hunting is the most terrible loss in that you be worn out before you even take up any productive job. When I was at job hunting, I didn't know better than I wished I burnt out myself in a process of what I imagine and fear the illusion of futile results of job hunting. Now situation ha...

This morning I scanned a notebook to reduce paper memos. On this notebook I had taken notes mainly about my skiing from 1997 to 2002. I took notes about what I learned from instructors, what I felt about what I had been taught, and my inner feeling and interpretation of skiing techniques I had learned from instructors, or had read from magazines on skiing. It reminds me of how I was serious about skiing 10 years ago, and how poor understanding I had about skiing movements. Thinking seriously about skiing helped me with considering my athletic skill, not really poor, and of course not excellent, but unique , fine but serious problem with imitating. I'd like to relate my athletic skills later if my idea about it is well composed. On it I also draw pictures of cars as I can't help doing other notebooks, lecture notes and sermon notes. My drawing skill haven't been improved much since then, I guess a little bit more than 10 years ago.

As a reader I'm curious what to do with his or her weakness. I have known this through experiences of sharing advices on the posts of our office blogs. One day I checked a blog post by my co-worker. It was a fine article, but I was curious about how he was going to do with his weakness stated in the end of the post, so I asked a question. After the improvement, the blog gave us far better impression than originally written. Basically I have sympathy for a person's weakness. When I read someone's blog I won't criticize because he or she has a weakness. I also have lots of weakness. On the other hand when I read a blog if something enlightening is on it, I'll appreciate it and chances are I may be a repeater of the blog. As to my blog, I'm focusing now on my weakness and hard experiences caused by my weakness. I write them because I want to. I have a motivation for it. It may be not bad to set my motivation the first priority, and keeping my motivatio...

My anxieties over uncertainty in communications continued to be the critical problem in my job hunting. Of course, it was fatal in job interviews. Besides that, job opportunities were quite limited, because, due to my communication fear, I was advised to avoid answering phone as duty, although the main target was clerical jobs. There was another reason why job opportunities were quite limited. At that time, I was not eligible for the job openings for disabled people, which the job center for the disabled had much information of, and more likely to have chances to get a job. I wasn't eligible for these jobs because I didn't have disability certificate. In Japan there is three kinds of disability certificate. One for the physically disabled, another is rehabilitation certificate targeted at the intellectually disabled (some participants in day-care group with developmental disorders has this kind of certificate) and the other is targeted at the mentally disabled. The c...

Age 30 for me was the period when I felt I was impaired mentally, socially, and intellectually. This made me even more lonely when I was at church. I had been baptized at he age of 28 and went to church in Sapporo. There even though I was trouble-maker I was part of the community where I could talk about what I thought or what I felt. The background of my English proficiency was also thanks to English conversation program of the church. I had been able to speak and I could bilingually. After left Sapporo and moved to Sendai I go to a church within 3-minutes' walk from my house. Similar to the church I was originally in, this church also values primarily what Bible says. By now my unique way of behavior and perception was well understood (although even now I feel I'm sorry when I'm restless or scream suddenly for making someone uncomfortable and it was really not the way I was understood in a group designed for caring for adults with autism), the encounter with this ch...

I sometimes ask myself, "Why do I continue to write about my humble experiences?" I sometimes ask myself, "Why do I continue to join the discussions in the monthly meeting?" I sometimes ask myself, "Why do I continue to work at current job, which require stricter business manner and the sense of hospitality, which is naturally I'm not good at?" The answer I've come up with is, "for better future of people with mental and developmental disorders." By acquiring higher communication skill originally I'm not good at, I might be able to provide new value to our customers, which will create more business chances and expand opportunities for disabled people by continuing and expanding current work. What value will I provide is to be seen for now, but this year may be the time I draw clearer picture the better future of us, with developmental disorders.

I'd like to talk about the experience I let the opportunity go which I was apt to much in the first year of job hunting. First Let me talk about interests and knowledge in information technologies. I tried to get a national certificate of middle-class information technology engineer. I had gotten the lower certificate when I was in university. This attempt for the certificate failed because of shortage of study hours. I almost lost had my will to pursue my curiosity into this subject. To be honest, this was because I was largely discouraged by the miserable process of job hunting in which I couldn't even ask for a help I needed. I could use the opportunity of prefecture-supported training course for would-be information technologies engineer. I, regretfully however, let go the opportunity because I was too depressed and worried to plunge into it, and thought that there may be similar opportunity in the near future when my mental condition would be improved. Considering my...

In the first half of the second year in Sendai, I went to job training course on every weekday. Although the work there was quite simple, and even though the work was just a simulation and with no pay, when a workday finished, I was quite tired. Commuting there from home in the west suburb to the workplace in the east workplace made me even more tired. After I continued for a half year, the course ended and I was to went to the job center once a week to twice a month. This change of my daily routine was unexpectedly tough. Most of the days I didn't go to the center I spent time home. This may lessen stress from work and human relationships, but I felt even more tired partly because of anxiety that there was no place to go. Even though it may be much more tiring, I felt that having a place to go daily makes life livelier.

I have set one goal for this blog this year; 500 updates a year. I calculated the pace I have to update in one month by dividing the number 500 by 12, the months a year has. It was about 42. The updates in January turned out 40, which is 2 updates behind the pace. I'd like to meet goal for the month is 42 updates for February which has as few as 28 days. In addition to telling my life story, I'm thinking of adding a few topics. The possible subjects will be for example; what I feel is like have autistic disorder and being able at the same time in Japan , why I began to write blog in English as well as in Japanese, talks a little bit about my hobby, jogging, swimming and skiing, and also talks a little bit about PCs.