Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Cycling with a road bike takes us self control. With this we sometime speed up to more than 30 kph or 20 mph on public road where automobiles drive typically twice as fast. I delayed my start today afternoon because I had a problem with my anger management.

This morning when I go to local church, I couldn't enter the chapel, because I couldn't stand the sounds. When I heard voices from speakers, I felt pain as if I had been stung by needles in the skin. After the worship service ended, I asked for a help a few church members, and they said that the pay may be from my tiredness I was not aware of.

Today 15 kilometer cycling and 15 kilometer walk. I walked from a mental clinic home in the day. I wanted to swim if my stamina remains, but my muscles told that they had had enough.

Looks like I did well finally in this month, although I made a few mistake. I'm not thinking that I can write here anything, now that I'm almost burnt out, low spirit, and physically and mentally tired. This was almost making me forget the fact that I continued on working fully.

The term "domain" in information technologies is confusing for me. I study for LPIC Level 2 exams, and study about DNS, and Active Directory domains. Keywords of configurations around these concepts are difficult for me. I may want to understand the concept of these "domains" and their roles, and be careful enough to find out which domain is now on the topic, when I have to deal with domain issues.

Until this morning I have confused by the meaning of the words "fantasy" and "illusion". When I'm stressed, I imagine things, mainly automobiles, and often draw them. I know these cars are not real. I may sometime escape into imagination and fantasy cars, but today, by looking up the words on a dictionary, these aren't illusions.

Basically I like playing sports and doing physical stuff. I especially like skiing and cycling. Unfortunately, however, I have had bad time with playing team sports like soccer and basketball. I'm clumsy, in physical movement and communication, and especially I have hard time with figuring out in what situation I'm in when playing such a sport.

The first day I work in this week is ending without a major trouble. This relieves me a lot. Now I'm home, and I'm hoping that I can relax myself from the tension needed to maintain myself at work and in the city. This tension is so strong that I'm often unable to release it and fully relax myself enough to have good sleep.

Today was as hot as Yesterday, and as hot as summer too. According to news, the temperature went up 30C (86F) in Sendai, and I guess it was about 25C (77F) at Zao Hot Spring Ski Resort, while I was skiing. It was OK in my ski wear in this heat, although I felt a bit sweaty during skiing and there could be better wear for skiing in such a hot weather.

Today the temperature of my area went up to 28C (82.4F) degrees. At night I'm going to use the cooler in my room. Last week it was a bit too cold, and I used my heater. Tomorrow I'm going on skiing, and the forecast says that tomorrow will be as hot as today. I'm worrying about if I can stand in my skiing wear (even though with minimum inner, my super dry inner).

Games or exercise, I can have either, but I can't have both in the same morning. I can't eat my cake and have it too.

It is not good for me to write about developmental disorders at night. It is bad for my sleep, and my mental health, because I can't control my tension waiting for reactions from the audience especially during all night after I write an entry. I was thinking of my mental state, and doubted if my mental tiredness is really co-occurrence with my developmental disorder. Isn't it just a result of my action, in which I fail to control my sleep?

Priority A : Things without which, I would be trouble my workplace, myself, and the public, i.e. my wallet, my ID, and my agenda. Priority B : Things without which, I would be uncomfortable or miss my comfort during work, i.e. my lunch, my drink bottles (hot and cold) and, instant coffee powder packs. Priority C : Things with which I can enjoy outside, except for the time I'm at work, i.e. my portable audio player and my sketch book.

Cherry blossoms fully blooming in the best scenic spot in the prefecture, in a beautiful day. I missed it for this year. Cherry blossoms there have already fallen. The best scene, in a beautiful weekend, or the day of a significant event, in an scenic spot, this wouldn't happen every year. Bad weather, schedule, or your condition, or all of above may prevent this from happening. If you are lucky enough to enjoy such a fantastic match, I hope you will enjoy to your heart's content.

On Saturday and Sunday, I had no energy to either go out to do something, study a lot, or play video games. I suffered from the cold I caught last Tuesday. Now I'm on the way of slow recovery, but not up to the condition on which I want to jog more.

Memory and logic, my strength. This, I guess is, a reason why my teachers found delay and problems with my speech, but no problem and relatively high mark in my Japanese tests, as well as other subjects like math, sciences, social studies, and English. I often got relatively low marks in the section of interpretation of novels in Japanese tests, but not always. I'm not good at reading intention from communications and behaviors, which sometimes differed from how the test maker viewed the passages of the novel on which a test had questions.

Past, present, future. Most of my posts have been about the past and about the present. And what about future? I just now noticed I have seldom written here about future, for example my goal for the month and for the year. Showing my goals is effective to show my characteristic, as well as showing what I like and what I feel about my past events.

Tuesday, weary and slightly feverish. Wednesday, my body temperature returned to normal. Thursday, it appeared to be completely cured. Friday evening, my fever returns, and has upset stomach. My appetite had been fine until yesterday. On the weekend I'm going to rest almost all of the days, hoping early cure.

To raise quality of my sleep, the way how to write my blog post is a problem. When I wrote one just before I go to sleep, I tend to have low quality sleep. Sometimes, I write something in the morning for a post of the evening of the same day, but I can't do it always. I have several ideas that might compose blog posts, so I'm thinking of the way of editing, 1. writing just the subject for the heading and the top of the body, 2. scheduling the post for a week ahead, and 3. enriching the post until the due time post is published.

Yesterday afternoon, I was really weary and had a heavily sore hip. I knew I was feverish, when I measured my body temperature as soon as I got home. I went to sleep as soon as I had supper, taking medicine. I doubted I was coming down with flu, but this morning my body temperature was just 0.5C degrees higher than my regular body temperature. Then I wasn't so good as to be able to jog, and my sore hip were, getting milder, still remaining. No problem with work for today. All the same, I want to take care of myself, hoping early cure as far as to do daily exercises.

A few members of the group of adults with developmental disorders are planning to a talk event for the end of the May. At first I was ready to help them organize the event, but now, I'm thinking this is too much burden for me. First reason is, although my mental state these days is relatively stable, I don't think my mind can stand extra loads about the event on weekends, in addition to of my daily work. Second, I myself would turn down participating this kind of event, if I were asked to participate as a participant. For years of activities with adults with developmental disorders, I have found that I myself don't like so much talk events, while some members are enthusiastic about them. 10 years ago I was also eager to such events, because I was able to use energy for them, out of work. Now I have come to think that talking about myself, especially topics about awareness, take a lot of energy, and can affect my work, now that I have a job. In addition to that I have h...

I have no idea what to talk. I have imagined myself communicating out myself and difficulties around autism and developmental disorder. Would I publish a book like Donna Williams? Would I have opportunities to give speeches in front of large number of audience? I have dreamed about "my turn" since I knew high-function autism by a book by Donna Williams when I was 18 years old, that was 22 years ago. I have participated in several opportunities of meeting with adults with similar kind of disorders and in the same kind of problems. Time has passed, and situations I was and am in have changed. 10 years ago, I wished that my voice reach wide variety of people in society. I was so cornered and I wanted someone to know I wanted helps to get along with society. At that time it took sometimes 10 minutes to even say my name after I was asked. Then I could hardly tell what is my strong point and what is my weak point, although almost all what I can do was appealing that I...

Tired from work on weekdays and swimming on Saturday? My action was really slow. I dragged myself to the local church. When I couldn't stand the sound, I took a brief exit. I did about 5 times. I heard about 50 percent of the message. My condition was far from what I consider as perfect, with which I fully participate in a worship service, but at least today I didn't give an impression that I'm always troubling someone else. Although this may be a few steps back in participation, this is many steps forward that I'm recognized as a "harmless" member from many members.

Swam for the first time almost 2 months. I was relieved to know I haven't forgotten how to swim. The swimming pool I go regularly had been closed since February 20 until the end of March, due to repair of the heater.

Cherry trees around Sendai are in full bloom, but cold weather returned in the latter half of this week. On Saturday it's likely, according to weather forecast, to continue cold, cloudy and foggy weather. This is too bad for me, who had planned cycling, for coming Saturday too, to the famous cherry spot I visited last week.

Near home there is a road with 20 percent uphill. It goes up 45 meters while it run 220 meters. I had a try to run this by bike this morning. It was OK with 34-24T, with not so long a distance, I used almost my full power. I was breathless until 10 minutes after the try. The uphill of 5 percent near there was felt much gentler, with not so much burden with 34-19T.

It takes much less time for me to get off the train when I go to work, than this time of last year. Last year it took about 3 minutes to check if I didn't forget anything. Obviously I was kind of suffering from obsessive disorder from daily stress. These days my check time is around a minute. My mental state has gotten much better.

It's a good idea for you to stay within non-disability side if you can. There is a great gap in income between non-disability employment and disability employment. I have much better income for disability side, but I guess it's only half of new employees of non-disability employment. I couldn't do that because I wasn't speak from myself. In my workplace both communication skills and skills of information technologies are important. I only have some knowledge of information technologies industries, and I have really poor communication skills. I should be grateful that there is a position for me there, even though I can only produce much less values than employees, without disabilities of communication, with great proficiency in communication. I go on making efforts to fill the gap by piling up knowledge of information technologies and bottoming up communication skills.

Write here? Go out for a while for night walk? I'm planning both but can't decide which comes first. Unable to decide and wasting time is one of my weaknesses

Today I changed the chain of my bike. When I built a pair of wheels, it didn't drive smoothly. The chain looked like to too worn out to match the new sprocket. I was a bit worried about cutting the chain with my chain tool, a part of portable tool set. It took some time to get used to, but I made it finally. I also adjusted the front and rear derailleurs. After all those works and a few adjustments, my bike got much smoother in driving and shifting gears.