Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

This Saturday I went skiing. It was a beautiful day especially in the morning. Again I participated in giant slalom training. I've gone skiing 10 time for this winter, twice as many as this time of last winter. The reason for this is I'm mentally and physically in shape much more than last year. Although workload has been rather increased, it looks like that I've been acquiring how to handle my workload and communication related to it. Fun pastime like skiing and video games help me stay in mentally in shape, as well as improved communications in my workplace.

Since this afternoon it's been snowing. The snow is so wet and so much that it can easily pile on the road and sidewalk. When I left my workplace traffic was a little bit jammed. The walkable track was so narrow that sidewalk was also a little bit jammed. Most people was putting up umbrella. Fortunately the train I took only had a little delay, but some railroad lines had power failure and services were disrupted. I saw lots of people waiting in line on a platform. When I was back the station near home snow became a little bit drier, but still wetter and much. Tomorrow it's going to be windy in the eastern area, and have much snow in the western area of Sendai area.

My mental state has been fine although my workload, along with the data I have to search, has been increased by the end of January. Around this time of the year, I was often under the weather or depressed in the past few years. I hope this good mental condition will last through this season. Maybe having enough rest and having fun is the key to keep my mental condition good.

Today my PC had a BIOS update. Its manufacturer had informed me by an app. I haven't known that a BIOS can be updated by running a program on Windows. Speaking of updates, I've heard that Windows 10, the next version of Windows can be updated for free from Windows 7 or newer version. I'm thinking of whether to update, so I'm a little bit anxious for the news of its release.

I was in the first year of university when I first learned about the email system. In a class of information processing, students are told to use email and have communication with the teacher. I was so shy that it took a lot of time, perhaps the entire class hour to send an email even though teaching assistants helped me with the mail app, and even though anything would be OK with the subject and the body, even blank would be OK. I was extremely afraid that someone else in front of another computer would see what I have typed. The message from the teacher appeared on my screen, "Why don't you chat with me?". Would the teacher and anyone else would see if I type some words? (This is probably a function of a chat software, but of course I couldn't tell email from chat.) With many help, I manage to pass the exam of this subject, but it took much longer time for me really to get used to use emails. Even 5 years later since then, when I was in graduate school, I som...

When I was child I didn't really understand that people pay money when they buy things. Then what did I do when I wanted some toy or computer game? I bought by my money (allowance), but if my memory serves I never myself went to the counter to pay money when I was in elementary school. Instead, I asked my parents to buy them by subtracting from my account. When I entered junior high school, as many teenagers do, I was interested in music artist and apparels. I also wanted to buy some books and stationery. (I didn't have the habit to take notes until I chose and bought stationary for myself, but it's another story.) I browsed shops dealing with these things, but didn't had courage to buy one of those goods. More exactly, I didn't know how to buy, where to go when I wanted to buy, or maybe I knew but I wasn't for sure I was going to succeed to buy if I go to the place I have in mind. One problem was I was afraid that someone was watching me buying somethi...

One inhabitant in my mind is a pessimistic English speaker. He likes to speak word to discourage other people. Whenever someone is trying hard to improve their English, he tell them cynical and pessimistic thing. Although he doesn't often talk about other people, he try to draw attentions to him by speaking nonsense, most of which few people are interested in. He even try to tell things almost nonsense to the people they are talking to, for example the sizes of the tires of cars, types of cabinets of electric meters, labels on electric poles, and so on. In my mind is another inhabitant, who really wants to improve quality of his communication, making efforts to know the things and ways people who he is going to talk to would feel comfortable. He learned the word, hospitality, this is "When I learned I should learn how for me to realize hospitality". He try to deny the residence, who want to talk about no one would be interested in. He wants to lock up hi...

Right, right, left, left ... my steps to move forward. I meant to walk, but I could only limp. A little bit tired from stress. With a little bit more sleep, probably I'm going to able to walk, with steps, right, left, right, left, one leg after another. When I'm mentally stressed the way of my walking sometimes becomes pretty strange. These days, twice steps with one legs after another twice steps with the other steps.

I went skiing for the first time in 2 weeks, as I had planned. It was fine day, although the road was slippery because the day before yesterday it rained. I didn't have to worry because I took bus to go to the mountain, but if I had had to drive there, I would have been very careful. I took a skiing lesson today. I had some difficulty in balancing and had a lot to improve. I couldn't improve at a time, so remember what the coach told me today, thinking what he meant, and have a lot of image training before I ski next time. I hope I can go skiing next week too, weather and my condition permitting. I struggled with skiing technique, but weather was pretty good, and not so windy that the lifts stopped. The view of Sendai city from the peak was so good that I put aside the stress from my daily work and the stress from having difficulty with my skiing skills.

Last weekend, I missed skiing because a low pressure was passing, becoming rainy and windy. Tomorrow it's going to be better than last week, although similar a low pressure has just passed. I hope I'm going to be able to go skiing this time. I'm a little bit worried that I'm so tired from work on the laptop that I'm not feeling good, especially I have so bad a balance that I stumbled a few times and I'd rather like lying on bed.

Right after I got my current job I had to learn to host a morning assembly. It was, and is a duty among employees by turns. What to speak as a host is printed, so employees basically only have to read it out loud, but it wasn't so easy to me in the beginning. The first several few month I stumbled and was panicked many times, and several times I had to give up hosting to another employee. Although other employees had their communication problems, they seldom stumbled. Being easy to stumble was the problem particular to me. Sometimes the idea of being have to host an assembly made me down, because failing to do often shocked me pretty much. A few years passed and most of my colleagues left the workplace, and a few employees remained there. I had continued to host morning assemblies, with stumbling several times a month and getting panicked a few times a year, and I had became a little bit confident of doing this. I had learned how to host a morning assembly and similar meeting...

In the beginning of the first year of elementary school, I couldn't jump rope at all. In gymnastic class most of student looked like to be able to jump rope smoothly, but whenever I try the rope I miss at the very first jump. In the first summer vacation, students got a homework of jumping rope 100 times every day. I was in despair, thinking that 100 times meant that I should be able to jump 100 times consecutively. I didn't have the idea that I can miss 100 times every day if I can't jump rope at all. My parents and brothers tried to help but soon gave up seeing my slum-bung jumping rope like a gorilla (one of my brother described my jumping rope in this way). It just looked like the picture below. My mother and my brothers told to how to do, and I tried to imitate them, but as I was always missing the point, my brothers gave up one after another. It's not until I got hang of it that I noticed that those who can jump rope well turn their wrists but not their ...

Just now I exercised with jumping rope. With about 250 repetitions, I became breathless and needed a brake. During the break, I jogged slowly around the entrance of my house until my breath settled. Then I did another 250 repetitions of jumps. After finished, I jogged slowly again for a few minutes. When I was jogging I remembered that it wasn't until I was around 20 years old that I was consciously able to run slowly. In a strict sense, I jogged slowly daily until then as a daily routine, the intervals between classes while most of classmates was enjoying soccer, but I had thought it was something other than running - I had thought that running slowly meant running not seriously, especially when I was in elementary school, junior high school, and high school. I had never thought that running slowly and long help running faster for a long time, and hadn't really believed that grow my stamina. Whenever I participated in a road race when I was a teenager, I ran with a speed...

Last year, I achieved my goal to post this blog every day. This year, I'd like to add this blog something good.  In order to improve my blog, continuing to post something positive is important. To do this, finding and remembering my progresses however small they may be is a good idea. Now I'm going to pick up these progresses of mine I've made, recently and in the past. I hope I will be able to pick up 100 progresses this year. To begin with, I'd like to pick up making answering a telephone call. Repetition and learning to take a memo has enabled me to make a phone call and even answering on behalf of my workplace. I was neither good at making a phone call or answering one. When I wanted to ask for information or make an appointment and the only way to do it was making a phone call, I was really worried. I dialed the phone number and when someone answered a phone, I was so startled that I hang up as soon as I heard hello. The problem was I didn't know what ...

This is Sunday. I went to church this morning. As usual, I felt so strange that I felt like jump up and down, or crying out loud during the worship service. I avoided doing these actions inside the chapel. I went outside the hall and jumped up and down once in a while, and talked to myself. I couldn't help speaking to myself about what was outside like, how many desks and chairs and toys at the dining room, how many children were playing there, and so on. I counted toy cars while children were playing with them. Police cars, fire engines, patrol car of a turnpike, ambulance, buses, and vehicles for other purposes were there. When a kid draw one of the toy cars back and released it, it began to go so rapidly that it fell from the table. The kid tried the next one, and the next car was "launched". I prevented the car from falling. It popped in my hands when I tried to receive it and take it back to the table. The kid laughed out loud. This Sunday I was so tired that I...

Thursday:  I ordered citric acid powder. It cost about 4,500 yen for 16 packs. You can make 1 litter of citric acid drink tasting like lemonade. It cost almost 300 yen for 1 litter, and it's a little bit more expensive than typical sports drink, and 60 yen for a glass, a little bit cheaper than a canned soft drink. I habitually have this drink because it's likely to be good for sore muscles after I exercised a lot. Last time I bought the same 16 packages last October, about 3 months ago. Friday:  I bought a note book. This is for taking memo of information needed in my daily works. Usually, I choose one of 80 sheets campus notebook. As a rule, one page for one day. A notebook lasts a little bit more than half a year. In the upper area of the page, I often write small and big circles concentrically to visualize the schedules of customers and co-workers. The most important person will be the center of the circle, and my schedule will be written on the outer circle of the pag...

I become nervous about the sound from TV tonight. This is probably because I worked on the PC so long a time that I've become much tired. I have to look at a lot of information in my work, and this is hard on my eyes. I feel this when I use eye drop and feel sore, in tears in a few minutes. It's interesting that now my ears have become much sensitive after my eyes was much overloaded from work.

Today I worked in front of the computer so long a time that I feel very tired. I planned that today's post here would be brief and take longer sleep time. This post is brief, but I'm posting this so late, since I had a meeting with young adult with developmental disorders tonight, that my sleeping time won't be so long as I had expected. Maybe next time for longer sleep and recover from this tiredness.

It's almost 20 years since I began skiing. Although I was in a snowy area when I was child it was only after I became 20 years old. Until recently, I thought that I hadn't spent many days since I became a ski lover, but I was surprised to count how many years I've been skiing. On the way home from work, I was recalling what I felt when I went skiing for the first time.

Last Saturday and yesterday I participated in ski race practice. I brought videos of my skiing then and watched them over and over again. I watched my skiing 2 years ago. (Last year I didn't participate in any ski race practice, although I went skiing for several times.) Although my skiing recently didn't look any cooler than 2 years ago, I've made some improvement since then. First, my head and upper body has become much stable, and their unnecessary move has been much reduced. Second, my skies has become much more parallel. 2 years ago I skied parallel to some degree, but sometimes especially when I go through some gates, my inner ski was often became scissors.

Like the day before yesterday I participated in skiing training. Today it was so windy that the lift often stopped. I had my skiing video taken again. Watching the video I saw only a few progresses from my skiing the day before yesterday. I can't very well take advantage of my skiing technique when the course is regulated with gates as well as I'm not good at skiing at a high speed. Now I'm thinking about postures of my upper and lower body when ski racing. It's hard to imagine skiing, on a slope with a certain speed, standing or sitting still at a flat place.

To reduce paper in my room I'm scanning documents and notebooks I received or wrote in the past. Today I scanned one of notebooks I wrote on when I was in my 20s. I guess it was when I was in university or graduate school. At that time I took it more seriously than now to make English proficiency my core competence. I tried to write essays on many given issues such as energy policies, global warming, policies for elderly people, pros and cons about making turnpikes free, traffic safety and so on. I also wrote a lot about how to cope with my loneliness, control my desire, sometimes desire for death or disappearing, and strange feelings I feel about myself and people around me. Before I landed my current job, I had strong desire to communicate what a hard time I had had and what a strange feeling I had on myself and the world. Now the desire to do this has become much weaker. The reason for this, I guess now, is in the past I had a strong feeling that people around me and s...

Today I participated in a alpine ski race training. In the training, they practiced giant slalom. After the practice participants watched the video of their practice. I was disappointed to find that I mainly use pivoting to cause turns, while most of the skiers use carving to pass through gates.

Now I've just off from work. Before I take the crowded train, I make a brief stop at Starbucks. I ordered a short cup of decaf coffee.

After I began skiing 20 years ago, I took seriously about standing straight. I had thought that standing straight had been easy to do, but I hadn't known that I couldn't really. Years ago I recalled carefully what I was like when I was in school. Then I was restless basically. I easily became tired when I had to stand or sit still. When I was permitted to move, I was relieved. Probably, I couldn't stand still or sit still more than 20 minutes. When I had to stand straight at school, I tried to do it by using power of muscles all over my body. I ended up being rebuked that I was not doing seriously, and ended up being really tired. I meant be serious, in a sense that I become breathless as if I ran at my full speed and that I frowned to look making a great effort with steam over my head. Hardly anybody looked at me as serious in that I was totally, terribly and awfully missed the point. I was aware this first in a ski lesson. I meant to stand straight, but everybo...

This year I plan to write about things when I was child. I'm trying to remember but so far, I haven't written much. One reason for this is remembering difficult times when I was child can be so traumatic that I'm afraid that it may affect my mental health. I really want to avoid this work making my mental state much worse. Another is it is also difficult to put my memories into words even if I could well remember an episode. This is partly because of explaining in a foreign language and partly because it's hard to find suitable words to describe what I felt exactly when I experienced a certain event in my childhood. If I could have, I wouldn't have been bumped in much trouble which sometimes causes a trauma even now. In my 30s, more than 20 years later than my experience, I did an attempt to put into words what I had felt when I had gone through a certain event, most of which was much troublesome, what help then I had needed if I could have use aids and supp...

Today is the first work day for this year. At first I was a little bit anxious, but later I felt much better than I did when I left the workplace at the end of last year. I hope this year I won't be much overwrought.

The first half of last year I posted many times about my life and job hunting after I got to 30 years old, but I've seldom told on this blog about myself when I was in school and university. This year I hope I will be able to tell several episodes ... about my school years. I had hard time with making communication with fellow students which make sense. Now I reflect on these time, when I was in elementary school and junior high school, and I'm thinking that at that time I had hardly understood what communications which make sense is like. Of course I don't think that an average child is highly conscious of whether their communication make sense, but anyway it look like that they manage to communicate in a way they makes sense.

There are compact desktop computers you may be able to stand in a bookshelf with books. So are video games. I imagined why not a stereo audio player. Apart from the size of the speakers (I like compact full range ones too), why not slim audio player with compact disc player, radio tuner and digital amplifier, which stands just the either left or right side of a television.

I'll study a lot about creating and maintaining web sites this year. I studied a lot and made a great progress in this area last year, and I hope more progress this year. I'll draw a lot of pictures with my ball-point pen and upload here once in a while. Whenever I'm uneasy, I grip my pen and draw something on my sketchbook. Usually, I begin with circles, and then if I feel like doing, I make them up to the shape of cars or persons. I don't think I really love to draw pictures, but I'm sure that drawing a picture is a great way of distraction from pain, uneasiness, anxiety and some other strange feelings. It's great thing if my drawing give some hope or other great feelings to some other people, but my primary motivation is to cope with the strange feelings which I feel daily and sometimes make me kind of crazy.

Today I went to skiing. I wanted to watch Hakone Ekiden, but I can't have my cake and eat it too. Instead, I took my radio with me. The Ekiden was broadcast on radio as well as on TV. At the skiing ground, I practiced giant slalom. Unlike many participants, I'm not good at skiing fast. Practice for a race isn't so fun to me, but I'm doing because I wanted to improve my skiing technique at a higher speed.

Continuing more than one post one day, I realized that I need to learn consciously basic ,correct and effective expressions as I see in news or books. Just continuing to write regularly is not enough. Meanwhile just continuing to write itself is not easy work, I need to do something more from now on if I really want to write something for many people enjoy reading. Do I really want it, taking the burden to brush up my writing, for many people enjoy reading? And why? Do I really like to tell something and make many people happy? Or am I just complacent enough to sit on and boast the achievement that I have the ability to tell someone interesting and enjoyable? If so, is there another way, another simpler way for me to become more confident than now and last year? These issues are worth arranging and carefully reflecting on.

Honestly around new year's holidays, I tend to be subject to depression. Taking time off is helpful, but I miss and almost forget how I've been spending ordinary weekdays. Next day I plan to go skiing but I'm worried about whether the stress and anxiety will have become much better by the time the first work day for this year.

Last year I posted on this blog every day. How about this year? Posting every day was a little bit of burden to me, but now it has become a habit. If I'm missing I become a little bit uneasy. However, daily post caused lower quality of each post especially in the last half of 2014. The first half of this year, I often told about my past, struggling with job hunting and experience of receiving cares for adults with developmental disorders. On the other hand, in the last half of years, posting itself became a goal rather than means to tell about myself. To improve this blog this year, I think it's necessary that I reflect on myself and find a lot about myself and try to put into words as much as possible.