Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Waking up 5:20 a.m. is good for many activities, especially on Sunday in winter. Then I go on skiing, taking the 6:30 a.m. train. Considering preparation, this time is the best wake up time. On weekdays, waking up this time is good for activities like jogging, studying and cleaning my room. Then next the time to go to bed. I think I need at least 7 hours. More than 8 hours is desirable. Probably 8 hours will be the best. Then the best time to go to bed is 9:20 p.m. The problem with keeping to this time is self control. There are a lot of temptations, games, internet news, and internet video sites.

My ipod touch arrived. Since it is a 4th generation one, it's too old for many apps including major podcast subscription apps. On the other hand, a few map app, maps.me and mapoffline, is available. So this portable device, already obsolete but new to me will likely to be useful as a portable map during biking. As for viewing websites and editing text, working on my PC is much more comfortable than on a portable device. I felt that near-smartphone portable device, and probable a smartphone is much more tiring than I have expected and imagined. This may be because I have never been familiar with handheld communication devices like mobile phones.

On alert for typhoon coming tomorrow afternoon. I was surprised that if a typhoon lands from East Tohoku pacific coast, it will be the first time, although I have known that it would hardly likely, considering the tendency of the course of a typical typhoon.

Finally I ordered a 4th generation iPod Touch, a used one, 32 GB. Last night I bid for a 5th generation one but couldn't win. My main purpose is checking web pages I make for my study, experiencing how web pages look like and work on a portable device like a smartphone. My priority was getting a device at a reasonable price as soon as possible. This is why I decided to get a portable device of 6 years ago.

My Plan to Getting an iPod Touch Main Purpose - Checking responsive web pages I create for study. Sub (Desirable) Purposes -  1. Road maps (mainly offline) when bicycling.  2. Compact portable; my portable camera is actually a little bit too bulky for bicycling.   Resolution is lower priority.  3. I don't expect much on music player function because I already have Walkman and satisfied with it. Besides it looks like that I can do without music when bicycling. I have my hands full catching road information from eyes and ears. Budget - Lower than 10,000 yen. Then my choice will be the 4th generation or older model. 5th generation devices are more than 13,000 yen, even used ones. Do I really need now?  - I think so. It's important as a would-be web page creator to be able to check web pages mobile devices like smart phones, even if I myself don't really find such portable devices convenient.

Hirose river was steaming when I was on the train home. When I looked out from the train on a bridge over the river, its flow was increased and it gave off steam on the surface. It looks like there was hot heavy rain in the afternoon, especially upstream.

I had been tense worried abut the meeting for this afternoon. Now it was over, and I hope I will be able to calm and cool down myself and relax

I would like to be positive as long as possible. I hope I find something that I can give someone else. I often think of how I can contribute to someone else taking advantage of my characteristics and activities. But sometimes I'm so tired that when I hear the words "positive", it sounds toxic to me. This probably is the sign I'm impairing mental health and I have to take care of myself.

Just a 500 meter ride as a refreshment It has been rainy for a week because of three tropical storms. I have been frustrated because it hasn't been suitable weather to go out for bicycling. This morning it was fine but my condition was not. I was almost wreck and thinking of drinking expensive Starbucks VIA instant coffee. Instead, I attached a portable bicycle inflator and took a 500 meter test ride. My stress has been much relieved and I'm now ready to go to work.

Thinking of fun things. Imagining getting a hobby gear and enjoying the hobby. As for me, getting new ski and going on skiing with the gear. This is one way I learned through the course of stress coping. Other ways are drinking some hot drink for refreshment, gripping sponge balls to stimulate palms, and preparing a towel soaked with hot water and warming my neck and eyes with it. Scribbling pictures, especially cars for me, of course is another way to relieve stress. These days, I feel my tiredness isn't completely relieved when I wake up. I think it's not easy to completely relax and relieve stress these days. I always feel my tiredness as a form of my feverish and sore eyes, muscles and joints. I hope total relieve of stress with the ways I was told and plenty of rest.

When I woke up, Stiff especially in the hip. My eyes sore, feeling "red". Obsessed with the word that "telling negative things won't make you happy." I thought last night's sleep from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. was long enough, but there are a few sign that I'm being so stressed out that my mind is somehow boiling. Meanwhile, keeping silence to kinds of "how are you" questions can make me more lonely and this can even more worsen my state of mind. Therefore I searched for how I can be positive when my condition is bad.

I took the last train of today, before 6:00 a.m. due to a typhoon approaching. The rain poured from the side, so my umbrella helped little. Now I'm relieved because I'm finally home, but I have to dry my pants gotten wet in the heavy rain from the side.

Buried in old wastes of cardboard and styrofoam, which had been the boxes and wrappings of a hi-fi audio system, a fan heater, and a printer, sheets of documents 10-20 years ago. This was today's battle to make a living space in my room. It was in the afternoon, with a temperature of more than 36C (95F) outside. Thanks to air conditioner, water and barley tea, the battle to make a living space for today has come to end and I'm about to take a nap. This work should have to be done when I moved in my current home 11 years ago. I have put the work of cleaning up my room, disposing of unnecessary wastes for those years. Now I've obtained to do the vigor to this, because my work has been somehow stabilized and thinking that I can be happy even though I can be stressed and subjected to anxiety of work of this week.

2.5 kilometers swim on a frustrating rainy day As weather forecasts had told, this weekend was and will be rainy because of three tropical storms in the south sea. I was pretty frustrated because I had no choice to go out for bicycling. This meant I lost powerful means of exercise and beating stress. Moreover, I had to wait more than one hour before I saw my doctor, because there were already more than 10 patients at the clinic when I arrived at the time it opens. I had to take a trains 1 hour later than I had planned. To maintain exercising habit, today I went to a pool nearby and swam 2.5 kilometers. 800 meters in 20 minutes, 3 times plus swim down, I guess more than 100 meters. After several long bicycle rides, my stamina had been strengthened, so it was no problem with swimming this long, except for the problem of sleepiness, because of last night's 1 hour sleep shortage.

When I was in elementary school, I always felt threatened. I was involved in a trouble and cried almost every day. In many cases when I was scolded, I thought that I had behaved perfectly, so I didn't know why I had to be scolded. It was not fair. In this way, I was panicked, I cried, screamed, banged the floor, the wall, the doors, knocked my head into the wall, and shouted aloud with incomprehensible speeches. I then had no idea that I had no idea of what I behave is like. In classroom I said the right answer before the teacher says. I kept silent in every day cleaning at school even when communication was required, because I had been told that we must not "chat" while cleaning classroom. I didn't know I could speak in classroom when the teacher told me to do so. I couldn't tell the difference between a chat and communication required to collaborate. The thing I learned then was I would be scolded, bullied, ostracized in classroom whatever I do, good...

Drawing pictures is the only way to becoming somehow positive in my mental state typical for me, like cloudy sky. I hope that my state of mind will be more like clear sky, but it is not always the case. Actually it is not so often. I hope that I will find more ways to turn my mind up.

Obon holidays ended. Work days began again. Sleep is the key to maintain the habit of exercising while working, if I want to exercise in the morning. I'm trying to sleep as early as possible to make time and energy for exercising in the morning.

I like to play video games. In recent years I'm into maniac shooter games called Touhou Project. I'm even addicted to it. There are holidays I play the games all day long, without doing things. I scan documents and books to reduce thing in my room to make more space there. I like to draw pictures with my ballpoint pen, but I don't do so often in front of my own desk. Drawing is a way of escape agitated or anxious feeling when I take a train to work or I'm in church and sermon is being given.

I went to a secondhand store in the morning because the weather forecast said it would be rainy in the evening. I looked for iPod touch, but all I found was iPhone, iPad, other smart phones, iPod nano and other audio players. I couldn't find iPod touch. I wanted one because I want to check web pages I create and test on a so-called smartphone. I'll also check if there are ones on Internet auctions.

At the year of 32-33, I struggled to make the smallest progress. The mistake was that I took action like most new graduate would do even though I almost knew and counselors advised not to do considering my characteristic. I got no more self satisfaction and even more the sense of futility that negatively compensated for the self satisfaction. I visited a few job fairs, visiting booths of businesses I was the least cut out for. Pachinko industries and a trader of future markets. Similar to the most sessions so far, I could hardly make communications that may lead to employment, and the more I made communications, the more I was stressed out. This defeat may be necessary to advance to the next step more suitable to me, but with me it was at the expense of my mental health and it destroyed the will that I want to work for someone else, which I was about to obtain by the year 31, through my first work experience after I graduated from university.

It's 2 months since I bought my new bicycle. The bicycle shop I bought it from offers free maintenance service 2 month and 1 year after the purchase. I rode to the shop and brought the bicycle to the shop to get 2-month maintenance. The maintenance will end tomorrow 6 p.m. So I left the bike and took a bus home. Tomorrow, I'm going to ride from the shop home, so it may be the first night ride.

Yesterday was totally outdoor day, riding a bicycle for 11 hours. Today is totally indoor day, playing Touhou Project maniac shooters. I sometimes watch Olympic games when I take a "break". I can easily beat Th7 Perfect Cherry Blossom, even the lunatic level, taking advantage of supernatural border system, in which the more bullets, the more advantageous. On the other hand I can't easily beat Th12 Undefined Fantastic Object, even the normal level. I finally beat it after I failed 5 times. To get more player extends, you have to take advantage of UFO system, but the more bullets, the more difficult to collect red UFOs, which is essential to get a part of player extend item.

Today is a new national holiday, the Mountain Day. However, I went to see the sea, by bicycle, like the Sea Day, a month ago. This time I went to Ishinomaki to eat yakisoba. I had planned about 120km ride, but on my return trip, I missed my way in Okumatsushima, and had to ride additional 15 kilometers. Today's ride was 141.5 kilometers in total.

I'm given 3-day holidays in this time of this year, when many people return their homes and visit their graves. I hope this Obon holidays will be a good chance to relax, because, even though I'm in a good work condition, adjusting to the way many people communicate, sometime use a language, is hard work for me.

I'm an introvert, but learning English is fun. "English (or any other foreign language) is just a tool for communication." "Learning English opens an opportunity to communicate with billions of people." These kinds of catch phrase haven't been motivation for learning, but have been my obsession. However much I become able to understand written or spoken English, I have been unhappy about total lack of communication ability. No matter what language I speak, I can't speak without assistance. Therefore there are few and limited range of people I'm able to talk with. With that obsession, my incapability and limited range of talking with people was loss of opportunities which made me miserable. On the other hand, when I'm in an activity I can be active and alone, such as bicycling or skiing, I find myself enjoying. I don't care much about the fact that I don't talk with anyone in such an activity. In such a way can I enjoy learning ...

But still, I prefer acquiring more vocabulary Learning more vocabulary doesn't necessarily improve your conversation and social skills. I however like to learn vocabulary more to widen the fields of knowledge I love to know.

I have at least a few people who I can talk to at church. Sometimes vocabulary in the Bible was too difficult for me, especially in Japanese. There are a lot of kanjis which stand for qualities and katakanas words which stand for foreign words. I'm just there, around, in and out, around the chapel. When it's fine sometimes I talk with sparrows, butterflies, and mantes around grasses outside the church building. Sometimes I draw pictures of automobiles, but recently the cars in my picture are much rounder than real cars are. I also draw people. I began to draw people in recent years, and I can't draw in right proportion of each part of the body of a person. Sitting for 10 minutes on a chair in the chapel is problem for me. It takes me a lot of energy. To resist panics from anxiety in a lot of people, I use unnecessary power to keep my body straight, sometimes excessive straight, and often tiptoeing from weird excitement. Some people find me weird and they seem to re...

"Desk Work" I chanted in my mind while swimming today, after 4 p.m. This chant was the concept of today's swimming. Today's swimming had the purpose of relaxation rather than exercising, after yesterday's 115 kilometer bicycle ride, stress unable to neither communicate or relax but only to wander in panic in the worship service this morning, and fixing another trouble of my new bed. I needed to relax physically and mentally for work of this week, needing to post blog articles 2 times in 3 days, learning hospitality, and preparing report for my learning and feedback of it.

About 60 kilometers from home. Took almost 5 hours there. It was as hot as 32C degrees (about 90F). I took a parallel prefectural road rather than national load where traffic is heavy. Cool breeze from shade and stream beside the road was comfortable for today's heat. When I was about to ride 100 kilometers, my power was suddenly down and my body suddenly required more water. My energy was almost out. I bought a bottle of water and some sweet food to supply energy. Some road has so heavy traffic with frequent big truck, didn't have sidewalk to escape that I was really scared to pass that road. Lessons for next ride is preparing foods to supply energy, and not pacing up too much because I'm able to run comfortably at a high pace.

I plan for tomorrow to go bicycling to Shiroishi from Sendai, starting early in the morning. It takes unexpectedly much time after I wake up before starting, so I prepare as if I were ready to start before I sleep at night before.

My new bed is a simple one without headboard. My old one had. I used to use the headboard to dry pants and towels, and I miss it when I look for a place to dry my pants after I'm back from home and about to change cloths.

My new bed is now ready after a problem. I ordered a bed on Monday morning, and it arrived home Yesterday. Today I took a paid holiday and assembled it in the morning. Assembling was really easy with a few steps, but a problem happened. When I set my futon on the bed, the left side of the frame suddenly cracked. It's so light and cheap that it looks like it's firm enough. Thanks to my father's help of fixing it, finally the bed has been at least usable as a bed. I'm a little bit worried about if the other side may crack. After all, however, from today I can sleep on a flat bed. My old one hasn't been flat for some years ago after it was broken, but I have gotten along with the bed because I have no idea about what bed would be good to replace it and I was worried about how to get rid of the old one when I got a new one.

I just described what I felt when I was in distress especially when I was a child. I was panicked because I didn't know it was stress and I suffer pain. This is more intuitive feeling than analysis, for example I feel as if I heard a telephone bell ringing when I had suffered stress for days.

Since last weekend, I tend to make careless mistakes at work. I have made 3 mistakes in 2 work days. I made two mistakes of typing dates and one of counting pieces of data. Tomorrow, I will work more carefully, designating points in which I'm especially likely to make a mistake.