Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I jogged after supper. This was the first exercise jogging in this year. I made a effort to keep my pace low, considering the quality of sleep after that. I often jog when I start for work from home to station, 630 meters. In the beginning of February there was much snow left near the station, which made the road slippery, but now in the end of month, snow has disappeared on the road. Yesterday I saw snow left in the shade of the shed of the church. Having skied on last Saturday, I was a bit heavy, the slope on the way of jogging which I usually regard as trivial was felt substantial uphill.

On Saturday yesterday it was on the bus from skiing. The bus was crowded with passengers with skiers and snowboards. Among them was several foreigners. They also seemed to have enjoyed snowboarding. It was public transport, so sometimes a few people got on on the way. After a while I dozed off. When I woke up I saw an elderly lady were standing besides my seat. It was time to give up my seat for her. All I could was I saw the lady and gesture that I was ready to stand up. It looked like that she didn't understand my intention. I was too shy to speak out. Then one of the foreigner spoke to the lady in Japanese and gave up his seat to her. I thought, he spoke Japanese better than I could. Sometimes communication difficulty prevent me from giving up my seat.

Now I'm editing videos of today's ski practice. I'm going to upload and post a comment on Facebook, but the browser I mainly use has some problem with entering text on Facebook, so I'm launching Chrome in addition to my main browser. But why do I continue to use this browser? I think it is because it's Firefox compatible and said to run faster than Firefox, and I'm used to Firefox user interface and add-ons rather than those of chrome, except for Chrome's debug mode. Chrome's debug mode is really useful to lean a lot about web coding through famous Web site.

The busiest time in the year. My state mind is not bad, but a bit tired and easier to get irritated. Mood in my work place is good. With this my state of mind has gotten much better although in the beginning of year I was deeply depressed. I was so depressed that I didn't feel like skiing then. The workload is even a bit heavier than usual years of this time but the good mood in the workplace help us a lot.

My second skiing was with my own boots and skiwear. Skis were my brother's, just like my first skiing. Before I went to the second skiing in my life, I went to sports shop to ski boots and a skiwear. My first choice of boots was terrible. I didn't have the idea of what ski boots fit me well is like, and I chose the size of 28 cm, 2 cm larger than what I have now. I took the advice from my brother that if I felt pain somewhere in my feet while fitting, it didn't fit me well, but any boots of the size 27 cm, which was the size of my shoes, gave me pain so I thought that 28 cm was the suitable size. It was too big for me considering the size I wear now, but as long as I was a beginner, it wasn't a big problem. It at least held me so that I was able to feel that I was putting on my weight. In my second skiing, I went to the same mountain as I went to in my first time, I rode on a gondola a few times. It was 5 times as long as the lift I rode in my first skiing. The cou...

"Skiing was fun when I was just a beginner." In the morning just after I entered the office building, I thought to myself. I began skiing 20 years ago when I go to university in Hokkaido. The first skiing was not Hokkaido but Iwate, although Hokkaido has a lot of famous skiing areas. My brother took me my first skiing. It was January 2. At first I didn't feel like skiing and I missed the TV broadcast of Hakone Ekiden. My brother had skis and skiwear for me, so I rented only a pair of ski boots. The size of boots was 28 cm. I selected much bigger size than suitable because I felt smaller size too tight for me. Now my boots size was 26 cm. First I learned how to wear skis. Dealing with bindings wasn't easy at first. It was especially hard to wear skies if snow stuck on the ski boots. Then I learned to how to walk with my skis on, on a flat ground, how to fall safely, and how to stand up sometimes coping with intertwined skis. On the first day even the small...

The wristband of my watch is being worn out. I have used my watch for 8 years. Searching on the Internet, spare band is available, and furthermore, I have found that a watch of the same model as mine is on auction, so I bid for it. Now the price of the watch is cheaper than the spare belt, but even if I bid it successfully and watch arrive, I'm not certain of the condition of the band of the watch, so after all I'm also going to get spare belt for the watch.

I think I'm doing at work these days. However, when I was home just a few minutes ago, I felt that if I went out the room to have supper, I would never feel like writing anything today, and if I retreated my room after I have supper, I would never feel like have a bath today. This is why I'm in a hurry writing something now.

I feel much better than I did in the beginning of this year. A lot of thing is left undone, but daily work and skiing on weekends make me feel alive.

As I had expected, It didn't rain in the morning and I enjoyed skiing this Saturday. By the time I was on the train home at 2 p.m., it began to drizzle. Now at 8 p.m. it is raining. This time I enjoyed free skiing rather than participating in racing training. I felt a few new feeling which may make my skiing better, and practiced so that the good feelings take root in my skiing. I wished I could have practiced more, but time and my energy didn't permit this. Some of new feelings I felt today is the sense that I have understand what a coach said about my skiing many years ago. When I take skiing lesson, I take many advices, but I understand few of them at once. For example 2 years after I began skiing, I began to practice short turn in a lesson. The coach advised that I was only swinging the skis instead of turning with them. I'm thinking that I don't understand what the coach is saying about my skiing until I overcome somehow my skiing problem mentioned or a...

Weekly weather forecast has said that it will rain on Saturday, so I was going to give up skiing for this coming Saturday, but it will not likely to rain until noon. This suddenly has made me decide that I'm going, and enjoy skiing until it rains.

1. Safety First, Speed Second 2. Recreation First, Technique Second I would like to keep tho this rule in order to enjoy skiing in my work life.

While reading a book on autism these days, I'm obtaining vocabulary to explain myself. Much of my time has been disturbed. I won't say most of it, but at least 10 percent of my time has been disturbed. Especially when I was in elementary school 30 years ago and when I had to find a job but I could hardly communicate 10 years ago. When I was 9 years old, almost everyday was panic. Even now I strongly remember that I was always crying out loud "I would rather die but I can't." I was sometimes laid upside down or knocked down on the floor, with my arms and legs pulled by classmates. Break times between classes was far from peace and rest, if not completely a battle. Even these days, my state mind is still slightly disturbed, but at least there is no one to blame me for being disturbed.

I had become sleepy by the time I was on the train home today. Why am I sleepy? What did I do while I stayed up late? I couldn't remember why and what until I recalled 3 blog posts I made last night on my Japanese blog. One concerns English learning by people with mental illness. Another was my record high score of Touhou Perfect Cherry Blossom. The other concerns my recent reading, introduction to a book about skiing and one about the history of autism. I remember that was 11 p.m. when I went to bed and about to go to sleep. It may be later. Today I may write another post but I may want to be careful enough to go to sleep before 10 p.m.

Having a job, I'm not unhappy now. But comparing to people without mental illness, I feel disadvantaged in some points. I hesitate to speak about income, because I'm not confident enough to do a job with higher pay, because of anxiety. There are many people, I often hear on news, who are more disadvantaged and live much tougher life. I'm thinking. Are there things I can do for them, although I'm obsessed with computer and moving my body. I may not able to face up with all issues hot on world news, but I'm thinking that it's time to face up to at least one issue which I can relate to the most.

When I go skiing I practice giant slalom once in a while. When I practice on a restricted course, I have to be conscious about my turn size. I was told that the interval between gates was 25 to 27 meters on one day when I participated in a practice. This made me think that how many ski lengths between gates. Friday night I got a kindle book "Ultimate Skiing". I checked pictures of alpine racers to find out the answers. It look like that 12 to 15 ski lengths between giant slalom gates and 6 to 9 ski lengths between slalom gates. When I was a beginner of skiing little did I cared for the size of turns. It was all right as long as I was able to change the direction of ski before I reach the edge of the course, or I vaguely thought that it would be more fun if I was able to make short turns. Also, I hated to fall downward and wanted to make the fall smallest when I make turn. Therefore it usually took more than 100 turns until I run through a course along a lift.

I could do better. When I try to do things to improve my skiing according to the advice I heard 10 minutes ago, I forget one I heard 30 minutes ago, or the other day. When I watched a video my skiing taken, I said to myself "This is not me, I must have skied better." In this way I get frustrated with my skiing. This may sound like another stress than work, but this is not bad. This is a sign that I have the desire to ski better, and make my life better.

This week ended without much problem. I haven't been panicked, shouting out loud, for weeks, although sometimes I feel down and sometimes I can't self mutter something. I appear to be spend every day calmly... really calmly. This calmness may be the problem. I don't show strong emotion in front of someone else now. I sometimes feel that I have lost most of emotion, because every time I hear a bad news, thinking that being emotional hurts myself, and also feel that anything would go, in an apathetic mood. Sometimes I think that I want to redeem my emotions, but now living a social life is higher priority and getting emotional could be disadvantageous in social life. I hope that I have emotions to a degree humane and moderate enough to show some opinions about something, but still I won't go mad.

I looked back on one of my blogs which is written in Japanese. I mainly read back my articles about skiing 6 years ago. In that year, I went to skiing the most times after I moved to Sendai. I wrote a lot about skiing techniques, and I found that even then I was fighting with depression which make me hesitate to go skiing even if it's weekend or a holiday. I've enjoyed skiing in the past and now, fighting with stress, depression, frustrations of daily life and my skiing technique. I'm going to continue to enjoy skiing in a such way, and I hope stress will get smaller and I will be able to enjoy more.

A blog site failure just now with another blog service. When I accessed my blog in Japanese I couldn't read the page because of blog service failure. Service failure in that blog happens a few times in a year. In this blog service, fortunately, I haven't seen so serious a trouble that I can't access my blog or its dashboard, although I sometimes see a message "an error occurred" when I edit an article.

The train arrived. I got off the train and went through the gate 10th~20th. Grounds and roads are wet. Some were putting out their umbrellas. As soon as I left the station, I jogged towards home. It was 240 meters from the station to the level crossing. Some areas were covered with snow and a little bit slippery. Fortunately I got through without stumbling. I was going through the level crossing. I slowed down, took a deep sigh, and looked at the station. The train I had just taken off flashed suddenly. Right after that the alarm started to ring, and the bars of the level crossing was about to shut down. The train was little bit delayed today, so jogging the level crossing was the must if I didn't want to be wait 2 to 3 minutes there until the train passed.

Just saying thank you in the end of every work day bring unexpectedly more smile in my workplace. So will it work on my family. I'm trying to say thank you too to my parents finding occasions once in a while, because I owe them a lot.

Skiing with club members this Sunday. It was for the first time in 2 years. Skiing is good for my mental health. After I got used to skiing after this depressive new year, my state of mind has much improved. Skiing is certainly one of the motivations for me to live better today and tomorrow. However, when I have a mental trouble, it's not easy to ski with my fellows. It was fortunate that there was a club event which I was accessible to me this year.

It looks like that I'm getting out of the toughest time of depression around new year. Yet, cracked corners of my mouse continue. I have had the since near Christmas, so it's been continuing for nearly 2 months.

The latter half of this weak was rather tough. I got over it thanks to the good mood of my workplace. This week I was saved by the power of smile:)

Scream, roar, groan, moan, ...... there are a lot of words of uttering. Some are in high pitch and some low. I often like to utter meaningless sound rather than meaning something by words when I'm in distress. In such cases, I tend to take an instant and rash way to express my distress rather than spend words to express details. It is not until I sit and relax after my distress was past that I begin to explain it by words. Anyway, having vocabulary to express distress voice help me much express my situation, because I have felt a distress so often until now, and if not a fun topic, a topic about my distress is a large part of my life which I'm ready to explain.

I'm just like green caterpillar in a forest, I thought at the lunch time today. Somebody detests, somebody doesn't care much about, and somebody is interested in me. Thinking this way, the key to make life more comfortable to live is finding a few people who are interested in me, and do activities with these people. Speaking of a green caterpillar, let me tell the episode of a larva of swallowtail. In the first year of elementary school, I enjoying viewing picture books in library annex of the school. I liked to watch ones of insects as well as automobiles and trains. When I saw the entry of swallowtail, a green caterpillar with yellow horns on leaves of a tree draw my eyes. This was a larva of a swallowtail. I was curious to find one. A half year after I saw the picture, I found one in the backyard of a park I went once in a while. I made it! I took the branch the caterpillar was on and showed it off to the woman in my neighborhood, who was the mother of a schoolmate....

Write and write. Not knowing what is my really feeling. Sometimes, I mutter "I want to die" or "suicide", but I don't believe this is what I really want. Probably, I can't come up with what to say to describe my state of mind. Pain? Tiredness? Maybe. Meanwhile I even feel gratitude for what make me live, and pleasure that I have survived so far. I haven't really experienced a tough condition in a sense that situation was in a war or near-war. Meanwhile I have almost always fought battle of mind, and went through rain and storm in my mind. Sometimes I enjoyed a few conversations, but basically I suffered in interacting with people especially with classmates. Well these things, including my academic efforts and efforts to go out when I was in despair, are things of the past. The real problem is what I am going to know from now on and brush up what I can tell you.

A few days ago I gave up my Bluetooth mouse and returned to an old mouse I had used 3 years ago. My Bluetooth mouse still works, but the scroll while on it didn't work correctly. When I use the old wired mouse, I was surprised. The pointer responds immediately! It responds as soon as I move the mouse or click it. I move the mouse a little bit before I use the mouse, which is a habit when I use a Bluetooth mouse, to cope with its delay. I had thought that I was going to get a new Bluetooth one, but now I'm thinking this simple wired mouse suits me fine for the time being.