Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Clear autumn sky finally returned after the "second rainy season" in September. Until yesterday, it was humid, but today I used humidifier because it was cool and dry. I felt as if I had been forgotten for long time the feeling of dry and cool weather.

In September we had about four rainy days in a week. September this year was the second rainy season, as we had the first in June and July.

This is the season of harvest. I felt when I was jogging this morning. When I was going through a small path near the city branch office, rice paddies to the right was already harvested and ones to the right was about to be harvested. Sparrow was flocking and singing. I had planned to jog just a little bit, but I jogged unexpected 4 kilometers.

These days, I'm frustrated by topics of English learning, especially preparation for the TOEIC test. They caused flashbacks of troubles over my photo and miscommunication to show that I didn't have a mobile phone, when the test staff checked if examinees' mobile phones were power off. Now learning materials of English tests sometimes reminds me of the flashbacks, so it may be wise keeping away from topics of English tests.

I feel happy when I feel I can relate to something sweet or bitter of someone else. Unfortunately I have usually shared my bitter sides. From now on, I look forward to a way to share my sweet sides, like fun of bike rides or game plays.

In the beginning of today's worship service I took a time out because I felt uneasy. I saw a grasshopper flying. It looked a little bit down. When I approached it it didn't fly away. I took a photo of it. Around the area the church and my home are in is full of nature. I often see animals and bugs I rarely saw in my childhood, in a countryside of southern Iwate. Even when I feel down, I can usually relax just viewing them.

5 P.M. September, Light is on It was on the way home from local indoor pool. I was riding on a bike. When I entered a small street and checked the back mirror I saw lights of a car. It was not really dark yet, but it was twilight. The light gave me a relief because I thought that in that twilight I was getting slower to notice other traffic to keep safety. I also turned on the light of the bike and safely rode home. In September there are still some days as hot as summer, but it's much darker than summer, so turning your light on when you are driving a car or riding a bike is a good idea.

By the time I left my workplace today, it had been gotten dark. I heard crickets chirping by a park in the city as well as near home, in a suburb of Sendai. In the summer the sky was still light when I got to home after work.

On the autumn equinox holiday a garden party was held at church. It makes me happy that little children are joyfully playing at church.

Tomorrow is the equinox holiday. I'm relieved because I have already been fatigued a lot. There is no problem with my work, but on my way to and from work I have to struggle with my tricky temper which make sometimes look so high and sometimes so low.

In this September, we have had many rainy days, but today's was much colder. When I turned on auto air conditioner, heater instead of cooler began to run. I have to take care of myself not to catch a cold, with this cold weather and many frustrating things I have had these days.

I was not good at narrate a story from a series pictures. I'm not even now. I failed many times in English interview test, doing poor at this type of questions. I also noticed that I'm not good at telling a story by pictures rather than words. I'm perhaps able to draw a person or a thing, but not good at composing a scene combining persons and things. Telling a story basically have to combine persons and things that are related to the scene or the event. I thus noticed that I'm not good at dealing with stories, although I'm relatively good at knowing about one specific thing and then another separately.

Yesterday I went on Mt. Izumigatake by bike. It took 38 minutes from the bottom bus stop to the parking lot of skiing area. It was 7 kilometer run and 400 meter hike. Today I have severe muscle stiffness. My faculty of thinking is somehow impaired. This morning I started to church but I couldn't remember if I locked the key, so I went back home, although worship service already began. After I arrived at church I could hardly enter the chapel. I had to fight against flashbacks of when I was in elementary school. I daydreamed and shouted to myself to remember that it's me who choose to protect or defeat myself. The pastor comforted me, saying that it was important for me to be able to come to the place of worship. Fortunately tomorrow is a holiday, so it's a day to relieve my tiredness

Windows update - reboot - notification of iTunes update - install - reboot again. Today, I had to reboot my PC in this way. I remember I experienced a similar pattern the other day this year. Software update is important to secure our PC, but it's frustrating to have to reboot my PC many times in one day. It takes more than 10 minutes to reboot one time, install 10 minutes, so more than 30 minutes disappear in this process.

Mt Izumigatake bike hill climb 2nd try. Visiting mental clinic and ask for diagnosis for disability certification. Maybe having a bowl of ramen to relieve daily stress. Maybe swimming as I do on Saturdays. And more... I'm looking forward to weekend schedules since the "third half" of weekdays ended. The first half was Monday. I had thought that the second half was from Tuesday to Friday, but had ended some time before Thursday, so I had to endure the "third half" of this week. Finally, however, I have been released and released from this long weekday.

I'm being discouraged now because of a few additional expenses. When I tried to use internet banking to make a bank transfer, I was rejected because one time password has been required from this Sunday. I could apply for, but chances are I can't get one time password card before I have to make a transfer. So it looks like there is no way to avoid commission fee for the transfer this time. In addition to that, I counted on a discount at a drug store at Sendai station, for I had gotten discount tickets with the receipt when I bought electric shaver pre-shave lotion. The discount begins from tomorrow, but it applies for drugs and cosmetics, and it won't probably apply for supplement food and deodorant I planned to by for this opportunity. I may be too nervous about minimum cost, but anyway I need to relieve the stress of these additional expense in a way that wouldn't require much more additional cost. Extra expense may be stress to me, but worrying about the expense...

My tense mind recently is about to break. Many unexpected thing have been hard on me. Unexpected reschedule of meeting, unexpected delay of train, and prolonged rainy weather which wouldn't allow us seeing blue sky for a month. It's very difficult to understand what various people are interested with my characteristic with very limited interest, automobiles, railroads, trains, and video games, but computer and math is dropping out and history and society is about to slip in. One alert sign is hearing alarms inside my mind. Another is I feel that I might be able to see through everything and learn proportions of things, humans, automobiles, and buildings. This is my perception is getting excessively active. Fortunately the frequency I utter "suicide" has been reduced to half of that in the beginning of September, and I'm less irritated than I was yesterday.

Looks like I'm dropping out of use of a handheld PC, while many people I see on trains are always viewing their smartphones when I go to and come home from work. I got a used iPod Touch in the beginning of September. Since I have gotten much older version, my first experiences of this device was far from comfortable. I must get older versions of almost all apps when I search for what I'm interested, and I can't get directly the older versions. First I have to get the apps through iTunes before I can obtain older version through my iPod Touch. Besides that, the battery has become almost running out, so no matter how long I charged, I can't get correct information of the state of battery. All I get is "battery is almost empty", "battery is full", or "device temperature is too high", and the chance I actually can power on my device is not so often. Now I'm almost forgetting about this portable device, and enjoying my "comfortab...

Monday, the half of weekdays, passed successfully! When my condition is not enough or I'm subjected to anxiety about the week, I make it a rule to think this way. This help me passing the rest 4 days, "the latter half of weekdays", feeling much better.

3 blog articles (2 posts for this week and 1 draft for the next week) 1 sample evacuation information web page Reports for monthly goal (review for this month and ideas for the next month) for the report on the Tuesday in next week : Especially it's tough to decide the goal for cleaning Daily reports for our clients Filling in and sending forms to Abilympic Miyagi team Relieving anxieties and tiredness

One of few comforts I had in my elementary school day full of panics and anxieties was Railroads. The railroads running beside the school The Tohoku line run beside the school and trains pass several times an hour. Freight cars, container cars passed frequently, although I then liked passenger cars. At that time most passengers cars was dragged by electric locomotives, although now almost all passenger trains electrically powered, and a few trains was powered by diesel engines. Now freight trains was much fewer than when I was in elementary school Also, the sub library of the school had a lot of picture books, perhaps as many as 100 books or more, at least 5 of which was on railroads and railroad cars. The railroad was an oasis in my tough elementary school life The railroads and railroad cars passing it was one of few comforts, because I was under a lot of stress from my behavior problems I was not aware and stressful relations with classmates. Basically classmates treate...

Looked up a timetable on the web with my iPod Touch. Interrupted by an ad which recommend the app version. Went to the app store. Required to enter the password. Installment was rejected because the iOS version was too old. ...... Isn't it enough to use the web version with ad interruption at most once, if I can't really install it, even if the web version may be much more inconvenient?

3 month ago I went to a repair shop to have the heels of my shoes repaired. I then couldn't communicate well, so I had no choice but taking my shoes with worn out heels home again without being repaired. Since then I have been reluctant to go to the shop again, remembering the embarrassment I felt on that day. It took great courage, therefore it took another 3 month and a paid holiday, to go to that shop again and ask for the repair. This time my communication was successful and I'm getting repaired shoes for nest Sunday.

Today is my paid holiday. I'm released from my duty, but at the same I'm released from languages. Now I have little energy to read and write words, making any idea, taking any action. I hope I will have been released from my tiredness, go to work and make ideas and take actions again tomorrow.

Why is this page slide so busily? This is when I'm tired and views websites full of slideshows. Slideshows add visual effects to a web page, but sometimes these visual effects can be burdens to our eyes. This has made me think that, as a web page designer, I need to consider wisely how to use visual effects of images, and links.

How being able to speak was powerful This is I paradoxically learned when I was so panicked I lost my voice on job rehabilitation training years ago. I asked people around me for help, opening my mouth as large as I had been able to spoke out loud, although I was not really able to have my voice. Someone gave me a cold look, but no one responded. I was thinking, "They would notice that there is something wrong with me. The would notice that I'm in emergency situation." "Are they thinking that I'm just joking? This is no joke! I'm so panicked that all I could behave to ask for help is just in this way." An alarm that doesn't make sound doesn't serve as an alarm. I learned a lesson from the severe fact. Fortunately, now it's rare that I fall into such a panic that I lose voice, but I don't forget how I was miserable and helpless when I didn't have my voice, but only could I open and close my mouth as if I were speaking.

It was already dark when I arrived at the station near home. I really felt that it's already been fall although it's hot and sticky because of typhoon to the south west. When I got home, my mother told that crickets were stridulating near the house last night. She looked a little bit pleased, because she had sounds of crickets as good as we had lived in Mizusawa, Iwate, where crickets playfully made sounds every long nights of fall.

"That is a dialogue, mine, monologue." I thought to myself. I couldn't fully imagine how exciting traveling abroad would be. At the lunch time at church, the topic went to travels to biblical sites. I was left out of the conversation. I was thinking, I have hands full traveling around Tohoku, North Eastern Japan, at most 500 kilometers from where I live. I have my hands full, exploring mysteries of places mainly within a couple of hundred kilometers. I can't imagine how a travel to biblical sites, at least 3000 kilometers from here,  different languages and cultures. Especially I was worried about whether I'm able to defend myself. Even now I'm struggling with defending myself in my daily life, in much more protected environment. I had, at that time, to face another problem that I'm too busy to secure myself especially mentally that it's really hard to share excitements of greater wonders many people would find really exciting. I may be tradi...

Packing a bike and board on a train with it. Got over Sasaya Pass (elevation app. 900m, a pass of a route between Sendai and Yamagata) These are my major events today. I got on the train at Ayashi station, and got off at Yamadera station. There was a trouble when I unpack my bike after I got off the train. The rear wheel wasn't properly in due place and it didn't role smoothly. To solve this problem it took almost an hour, so it was not until 11 a.m. that I was actually able to start to ride. The uphill to the pass was a little bit too tough but it was still manageable. The problem was small uphills of 150 meters before I got home. I had been already tired after beating 750 meter uphill and going through more than 50 kilometers. After all I was still able to ride uphill, but by the time I got home, my legs had become stiff and I felt a little bit feverish. As for tomorrow, it's going to become bad weather, and considering my condition I'm thinking of no more ...

I heard an alarm. This is not a sound that make outside of me. This is a warning sign my myself make. I can't stand anymore. I can't push myself hard in a day. I imagined myself powerlessly lying on a bed or a carpet. Actually I have a few things do so I have to wait until I'm allowed to lie down. I was so upset but at the same time so worn out that all I could do was I beat the surface of the bath water powerlessly. It's OK. Being mild is one of my policies. It's much better than I actually become violent. I thought to myself, if someone blame me as selfish because I want to collapse because I'm so tired, it would be much better for me to be really selfish, doing things extravagantly. I always end up with just imagining. Being extravagant is not my character. Trying to be mild, pressing violent magma eruption under my subconsciousness often from my dissatisfaction and frustration is always my style. Weird facial expressions, weird behaviors of my finge...

I had a cup of 1996 blend at a Starbucks shop near Sendai station. To save money, I limit the times of having coffee at Starbucks to 3 times a month, so there's 2 times left. Drip coffee at Starbucks energize me much when I'm down, although instant coffee is fine enough when I'm in good shape.