Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I shouted to myself in my room. There wasn't no particular sound or noise then. It's difficult to explain exactly, but probably I shouted to my inner shout (no one would hear because I press deep into my mind) to bear stress. When I'm stressed in a event, sometimes I feel as if I heard my inner cry which I would cry if someone or situation permitted to do. It's a little bit tough for to be in a place where news of some kind of (attempted) suicides. It's fortunate that there is a place for me to retreat.

After supper I took a walk. When started, I thought I was so tired that I couldn't walk any more. I was thinking about a trouble of the air conditioner in my room. Then I thought about the surprise when I learned the usage of "flight". Today I learned that a flight can refer to moving one floor to another with stairs. When I was thinking of those things, I walked really slowly. After I walked 10 minutes, I felt slightly better, so I began to jog but I did still slowly. If I jogged too fast, I couldn't have a good sleep, so I kept the pace slow. In the end I found out that I had jogged since then until I arrive home. My walk, jog and thinking is so slow at home that I sometimes wonder if I'm deteriorating or I'm under depression or other mental disorders. In the day I make every effort to do my best at work, so the gap between in the daytime of weekdays and in the morning or evening, or weekend make me think that I'm pushing myself too hard. I may w...

Today I was so tired that I was inactive. I went to church but I was only able to sit in the chapel at 5 minutes. The rest of time, I was restlessly walked around. More exactly I almost crept and I barely walked. It was wet and a little bit rainy outside. This was a typical day in June, the rainy season this area. It wasn't so hot. After lunch I went home and took a nap for two hours. I was miserable because I didn't feel like talk with anyone. I was thinking to myself, but what I was thinking was too negative to speak out, and express in this post. (This is not so fun, positive, and constructive a post though.) My thought then should be kept in my secret diary, although it's worth while knowing how to express what is the feeling and what and who I'm turning the feeling to. Today may not be not so good a day, but I definitely want to continue to live. This is because I'm thinking I have a lot of things I can show by writing, about odd experiences of ...

I have been told about my ups and downs from my mentors. When I'm down I don't feel like doing anything and feel that I'm not able to do much things. This has really a bad effect on my self image. When I'm fine I'm curious about many things and willing to learn about them, but when I'm down I tend to forget my curiosity and ability when I'm fine. This was a great disadvantage in opportunities to tell about myself, for example know new friends or appeal myself when I seek a job opportunity. Telling about my ability when I'm down is important, because the time I feel bad is longer than I feel that I'm fine. This is not an easy work. When I'm down, it looks like I don't like neither my "unable" self and even "able" self. Now it's worth while making a small effort to like myself that was able to do something at a particular time and especially that help someone else with my "able" self.

Yesterday I thought that my condition had been picked up. This morning I felt so bad that I couldn't do anything until breakfast. I was only viewing some sports news and some information about game on the web. On the train to work, I listened to a newscast and thought a little bit about myself. After I got off the train I watched designs of ads and passers-by, while walking slowly. By the time I arrived at the workplace, I found that my condition wasn't so bad. I was able to work at a relatively good pace. When I leave the workplace, I didn't felt so bad, but at the station, I gave up the train that was about to start. It was so crowded. If I had been really fine, I would take that train, wanting to arrive home as soon as possible. Now I'm thinking: My condition isn't really so bad. At least when I work, I feel relatively good. The problem is the gap of my feeling when I'm at work in the day and when I'm home in the morning and evening. At home r...

What happened today? I asked to myself when I was about to write something to post. It was hard to remember. Why can't I explain very well? Was it because it's awkward to tell about fireflies again because I had told about it the day before yesterday? Am I tired? I couldn't answer very well. Probably ... definitely I am, but I fear that somebody say to me "Again?" In some sense, my condition has been so improved that now I feel much less anxiety than a month ago. Yet, I also found that I'm not so full of energy that I can tell a lot about myself and my daily life. I thought that it was always easy to tell easy, simple, trivial things. For example the things I saw since I left my workplace until I arrive home. About the train, about the station, and about passengers, ads, and after I left the station every stair I take, and telephone poles, roses in the garden of a house on the way, the kittens, and the cars I like to see missing now. If I explained t...

The way home after work I was able to walk at a normal speed. I enjoyed this very much. These days I was so tired that I could walk only slowly, and I didn't feel like having further exercise. Even in that bad state, I continued the habit of walking after lunch and after supper. This is helping me be in shape when I'm released from worry and anxiety.

I took a walk tonight too. I went to a bridge nearby. I saw fireflies down the bush beside of the river. Every year we can see fireflies around here the end of June and the beginning of July. My whole body kind of ached, so I'm relieved to have been able to walk through.

From the second year of elementary school, I was told to keep diary. In a class of composition in the first year, I couldn't writ anything. All I could write was 3 letters that means "I" in Japanese. That year I had a few more composition classes, but I couldn't write any more. Every time, the girl next to me wrote a lot and asked for more papers. One day she wrote more than 8 sheets, and some of classmates wrote two or three sheets. Most of classmates only wrote less than 1 sheet, and me only 3 letters. When I wrote about what happened on the day for the first time, I was surprised that I was able to write something because I couldn't write anything in composition classes in the first year. Probably the problem was I didn't know what to write. I'm not sure it's because I didn't listened to the teacher's instruction very well, or I couldn't choose or find the subject at all.

After supper I went out for a walk. I walked very slowly. I was very tired. I could walk only slowly. I wished I could jog like last year I did. 10 minutes after I started I saw a motorcycle. I saw a car, two, three parked in front of houses. I saw ones one after another. I saw electric poles. Suddenly I wanted to see an electric meter, but it was too dark. I was thinking that I liked electric meters when I was in elementary school. I especially liked their cases. There were (and are) a lot of variation of manufacturers and sizes. Most of them were made of plastic. Some old cases were made of iron. I walked unexpectedly long, and the pace was still slow. Some cars passed by. It was night, and of course, all of them were with their lights on. As I drew near home again, I said to myself "I want to die." Soon after I replied to myself "My prayer has already been realized. I have died a few times, so I don't have to worry about my desire to die". I h...

My priority.  Being gentle. Being patient with my strong feeling which happens many times in trivial things. Some people get popularity by expressing strong feelings of themselves or towards a certain type of other people. I choose to be gentle rather than get a lot of audience by expressing strong feelings.  Being intelligent as much as possible. Trying to understand science, mathematics, and information technologies. I like to view figures and formulas of science, regardless of I understand or not. Just writing down formulas on my sketchbook excites me a lot, even tough formulas and figures are too difficult for me to understand. Just the the sharp shapes of them are good enough reason to follow. I'd like to make an effort to understand them when I have enough energy to think deeply about these.  These two are the priorities I came up with now. Just setting these two things is already helpful enough not to meddle in things too complicated and irrelevant to my inter...

Last week I listened to a speech by Temple Grandin at TED conference 2010. I don't remember exactly, but I learned that there are some quite different types of mind in people on the autism spectrum. I remember two minds. Visual thinking and verbal mind. There is another type of mind I can't remember now, but the only thing I remember associated with this mind is a pattern of an "origami" art of a mantis. Then what about my mind? The view of my mind myself vary from time to time, but I come up with one typical thing about my mind - my way of feeling and thinking. Flash, intuitive and syntax mind. While I'm strongly attracted by details of grammar and syntax, the way I like them is intuitive. I like to see and think of things in an ad hoc way, and the subject I'm interested in or the explanation I make tends to "happen to be logical." I imagine that typical people who like logic, syntax and grammar would like do thing with a careful plan, but it ...

The other day, I was viewing an ad of an English learning program supported by Nikkei Inc. by chance. This program focuses on advanced business communications. I thought that if I had a clear plan to do a job that requires communications in English, chances are I would take this course. Among many of sales points, one advice from a specialist impressed me a lot. "One mistake, one progress", so we may want to give it try rather than fearing mistake. I've been kind of being aware of this principle, but I haven't been definitely conscious about this. In order to give it a try as many as possible, or "looking for opportunities for making a mistake" is the key to make the most of this principle. Therefore accessibility to these opportunities is very important. My approach is to beginning to try the quizzes or typing what I have in mind as soon possible.

Recently, I play a background music while I listen to a listening material for language learning. Typically I listen to the language learning material with my browser and I play the background music with iTunes. I turn down the background music so that I can hear learning material well.

Continuing small things is important. I have been told so by countless people. Now I write something on this blog every day, but in most cases, I write about really small things. And still there are countless things too trivial to write about. I saw curve mirrors, telephone poles, and signs and plates of a railway. If I can well write about these trivial things, a person or two may be interested in them, because however trivial they may be, they are special things around here. I haven't have courage enough to introduce these trivial things I often see on the way to and from work, and I see when I go out on weekends.

Two things are intriguing me. One, drawing sketches like a cartoonist. Two, getting a really high score in a test of English. If I were 20 years old now, I could focus on both, and delay the decision later. Now I have to focus more and choose either if I want either to be my sales point in the near future. To do this, I need to find out which intrigues me more in my daily activities. Chances are I would be neither, but doing activity with focus still can enrich my daily life.

When I walked as an exercise after supper, I was surrounded by three cats. I was slightly scared for a moment, but I walked again soon. 3 minutes later I was thinking of what if I began to count cats instead of sheep. I easily imagined that I may dream a creepy dream where these cats would be in it, and stopped thinking. I'm thinking to myself, "Please don't count cats if I can't sleep well because of sticky weather."

This year I would like to study English little bit more seriously, not pushing myself so hard that my mental condition so bad as to think and say to myself "I want to die". Also I'd like to take a test of English for the first time in 2 years. This is a little bit challenging for a guy who visit a mental clinic regularly for care of autism spectrum disorder, and working regularly, fighting with mental problems like depression once in a while.

After I wrote I couldn't go out. I was too tired, and decided that having full rest was best solution. Today, I went to church. Until noon, my energy was so low that I limped when I walk. Even on this condition, I was too restless to sit still. I could neither walk properly nor sit still. The only thing I could do was to limp around the hall and dining room. I didn't think at all I was able to speak to anyone this morning. I didn't think my energy is high enough to utter and compose words which make sense to other people. Around the noon, things turned better. I spoke some words with some church members. I went home as soon as possible afternoon, and the best thing I could do after then was lying on my bed, listening to the music of a "Atelier Series" game in its music room instead of playing it. It was not until twilight that I actually played that game.

This Saturday afternoon, I don't have enough energy to swim, although it's summer hot and it would be nice if I could swim. Still, I'm going to walk for a swimming pool I swim in on weekends. I'd like to keep the habit of walk two or three kilometers every day weather permitting.

This week I managed to work through, as I've down in these weeks. I feel a little bit burn out, and I have no idea where to go, although I sometimes think that it may be great if I go out for sightseeing in a spot, and an hour or two train ride will be fine. The problem is I'm too tired to think of specific plan of where I will go and what I will eat and what I will see. Recovering from a small burnout and taking care of myself in an inactive way is the best way to spend recent weekends I think.

Yesterday Jog 100 steps Walk 120 steps Jog 220 steps Walk 120 steps Jog 160 steps Walk 120 steps Jog 160 steps Walk 120 steps Jog 160 steps Walk 120 steps Jog 160 steps Walk 100 steps Walk (cool down) 300 steps Today evening Jog 320 steps Walk 240 steps Jog 320 steps Walk 240 steps Jog 320 steps Walk 240 steps Jog 320 steps Walk 100 steps Walk (cool down) 1000 steps Yesterday evening and today evening I jogged and walked in turn on the same course of 2 kilometers. Yesterday, I changed between jogging and walking every minute. Today, I changed between jogging and walking every two minutes. Usually I jog 160 steps a minute and 120 steps a minute, so it's easy to count time, jogging and walking in turn like this way. I have one small problem of pace control. The span of changing between jogging and walking is so short that I tend to overload myself when jogging. If I continued jogging for more than 10 minutes, I would jog at the pace slower than 6.5 mi...

Every weekday I take a Senzan Line train at 8:20 AM. It arrives at Sendai station at 8:45 if there's no delay, platform 8. After the arrival, the front 2 cars of 6 are detached and become out of service. The driver, the conductor, and maintenance staff are watching the cars which will become out of service if there are not passengers left on these cars. The rest of train, 4 cars, is going to be bound for Yamagata departing at 9 AM, so I want to be careful enough not to stay on the train so long that the train departs for Yamagata. Sometimes, I'm so absorbed in reading or sketching that I almost forget the time.

Today on the train back home I was thinking about the delay of development of my mental age, and thinking that "I have reached the mental age of 20, when I'm about to become the physical age of 40, experiencing a few years of entry-level work. I realized how childish I was when I was at physical age of 20, but at that time I had no awareness that my mental age development is delaying, although my brother and some of my friends said so. It wasn't until I reach the mental age of 20 when I got to 40 years old that how I was immature I was when I was physically 20 years old. Likewise, it's hard for me to imagine how a typical 40-year-old guy feel, so it's not likely that I recognize the gap between my mental age and my physical age now. The awareness of the delay of my mental development always delays too." I meant by "mental age" that how much I can play a role in society, and I've been always feeling that I can do much less than society expect on a...

It looks like it'll be raining tomorrow in Sendai. Rainy season is drawing near. Southern and western part of Japan has already entered rainy season. A weather forecast on a evening news told that there was much fewer rain in this recent month than the average in this period of the year. In my neighborhood, we had only about 30 percent of the average. Rain is good for plants, so my parents waited for rain for the crops in the garden of my house, but they say that rain is not good when crops were about to bloom.

Today's worship service. I learned that we need to lay up our treasures in heaven, not the earth. I also learned that our treasures are where we are most concerned about. For example I'm often concerned about the reputation and position of my blog. This is I'm much concerned about people more than God. I learned from Matthew 6. In the beginning of the service, I was overwhelmed by the sound of the chapel, but soon after, I became able to sing worship songs. I'm not good at sitting and listening to a speech, but today I was relatively settled. I think I was able to sit more than half the time of the message. I often overreact and sometimes raise a voice when the message hit my heart and urge me to change my way of thinking and my attitude towards God. Perhaps I'm still able to compose a blog post in a more organized manner, but I also think that now is the time to add and raise words that I've been able to put into words from my vague thought, worry, tirednes...

These days, I'm slow to do everything when I'm off. Slow to decide and slow to take an action. This may be because I'm very tired. Sometimes I'm wondering if my mental functions are deteriorating. Worrying can make things even worse, so, I try to be at home as long as possible when I'm off on weekends.

After supper I felt a little bit heavy but I went out anyway. I had planned to get back home after walking 1.2 kilometers, but as walking a few minutes, I felt a little bit better and I felt like walking and jogging more. Before I got back home, I crossed a bridge near by to see if there were any firefly near the river. There wasn't. Frogs were croaking instead. It was slightly damp, but there was no sign of rain. It was as if frogs were croaking, grumbling "Give us more rain. We're thirsty". I had heard on the news while having supper that there were about 30 % of rain compared to average of this time of the year. Finally I walked and jogged 3.2 kilometers total.

Just now I viewed Niconico to view a game play of Touhou Project 7 Perfect Cherry Blossom. Suddenly I listened to the music of Chocobo, a flightless bird often used for transport in Final Fantasy series. Three yellow cars was running on the desert. They were Toyota Aqua. It looked like an edition with a taste of off-road. The other day I heard a music of Dragon Quest 3 in a commercial of the same model. The manufacture are probably targeting at people who were familiar with role playing game on Nintendo and other platforms in late 80s and early 90s.

Although I took a half-day off when I start for work, I was already worn-out and still sleepy. I'm being overwhelmed by stress, so tonight I'll lose no time worrying about what to post here. Instead, I'll play my favorite games, Touhou Project shooters, or/and Atelier series games to beat up stress!

Finally I became silent. I lost words. Today on the train from work, I didn't feel like writing much. I walked after supper. I could only slowly. I tried to jog, but I only could jog even slower than walking. When I got out of home, I already felt like gasping. I didn't count how many steps I walked, but I managed to walk 1,200 meters. I walked 1,200 steps at the lunchtime.

This week's "quest". (Extra task to improve my skills, living environments, and mental health and physical performance)  Scan 150 sheets   Tue morning: 12 (sketchbook)+ 6(sketchbook)  Walk extra 17,500 steps   Mon 1400+2700=4100   Tue morning  1000  Improve one simple content management system  Use cleaner for 10 minutes

"Not completely healed." This is what I shout to myself when I was headed for Sendai station, right after having finished the work for the day. On last Saturday and Sunday, I had a lot of rest, but on Monday morning, when I woke up I was already much tired and sleepy. On the day at work, I did pretty well, so it turned out that my tiredness wasn't so serious as I had been worried in the morning. Interestingly, my tiredness in the morning reminded me of another thing. The memory of when I played Wizardry on Nintendo. It had a translation into Japanese, but you can switch the language to the original English. When I cast a spell of powerful healing like "madi" my character was fully healed with the message, "'your character' is completely healed." I don't remember the exact words, but when not completely healed, I got the message like "healed by 5 HP". Recently, in the beginning of the week, I'm always thing that it wou...