Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Rainy season ended in Tohoku region last weekend. August begins tomorrow, and it will be fall on calendar in 10 days. Tohoku's summer on calender is short, but hot days last in August after it sets in "fall".

These days my work goes relatively well, but there is a few problems in my condition. In recent weeks the times I say something to myself aloud doubled. When I walk from the station home after work I sometimes walk dizzily, with my arms and wrist bent oddly. I don't feel so bad. I can even smile. But sometimes I wonder if my smile actually look so stiff that many people would be scared if they say me smiling when I'm tired or I'm in distress. With my boss's advice I paced down my work and took a paid holiday for the next week. My odd behaviors can be the traits that just make me unique and there may be nothing to worry, but it is as long as I'm mentally and physically in good shape.

I worked through this month in addition to previous months. I'm thankful to all who support me, my parents, supporters in my workplace and from the support center.

Replacing my bed is one of my agendas recently. My current one is almost broken. My old bed is probably one reason of my low quality sleep these days. There are a lot of bed frames of wide range of prices. I found one very reasonable, but comparing to another with a fair price, it looked a little bit weaker. I would be satisfied for a while but some time later I may find that the bed was not firm enough to support my body. Thus, I'm also checking more expensive ones. When I'm checking bed online, I almost forget the time and staying up late. Choosing a bed for future quality sleep may be a good thing, but today's sleep is essential for tomorrow's work.

If I speak too much at night, I'm afraid that I may be so excited that I cant sleep enough. This is why I hesitate to take counseling after work.

Coping with ups and downs is one of agendas I have to cope with. Of course I have to be careful enough of overload and lack of sleep, preventing my spirit become much lower, but I also have to behave carefully when my spirit is high. A few days in a month, my spirit becomes so high that I'm eager to learn everything that enters my eye, for example when I'm in a station while going to work ad posters, information and warning signs, columns supporting roof of platforms, and so on. My eagerness continues for a while, but a few days later, my spirit usually gets down even worse than normal. My condition becomes much worse especially when I did too many activities in the period when my spirit is high. To continue to work, narrowing the gap between high and low in my spirit and desirably keeping my spirit high is very important. I care much about behavior, sleep and meals.

If I rested as long as I wish before supper, perhaps it would become midnight before I had supper. This is how my tiredness management isn't working well enough.

Sore muscles prevented me speaking at church today. Yesterday, I rode my bicycle more than 65 kilometers totally and, got over 3 passes of more than 100 meters hike then went on swimming in the afternoon. Today when I heard the message by the pastor, flashbacks of fatal incident occurred on me, making me spend and wander outside most of the time. I tried to speak and sing, but all I got was senseless voices rather than words that make some sense. I wonder how I'm writing now making some sense here now. My ideas was in the morning sealed by the barrier of sore muscles and stiff and shy mind.

In recent years, I don't really think about committing suicide, but when I'm embarrassed, I unconsciously utter to myself "suicide". I think what I utter is senseless rather than a red right for my mind, but if someone heard, they would be likely to be shocked. Why don't I utter, for example "flower" rather than "suicide", which gives much possible image, although still some people think me of weird. Uttering something to myself is certainly a sign of at least small stress, so changing words I utter when I experience somewhat stress make positive differences although I may have no choice but looking and sounding a bit strange to some people.

On the train home from work today, I was writing a fiction based on the story when I was in high school. I was writing about my bicycle, my bag, my textbooks, and my dictionaries. Then I looked back on I then came to think of entering the most prestigious university in my country. Most of bureaucrats and many politician was, and is from that university. Why I came to think of studying hard was that I broke up with a girl I adored. I didn't know then that I didn't really have a means to initiate communication with her, and whenever I tried to do I behaved so strangely that she and her friends couldn't help laughing and getting away from at their max speed. I was then so upset that I decided that I make a lot of effort in studying. I woke up 4:30 a.m. and began to study but my work then was far from efficient. I soon get sleepy and fell asleep on my desk or get back again my bed, imagining of how it would be nice if I could be with her more time.

One, two, three, four, five power poles and telephone poles. Wires were over these poles. To the right was the road, running from west to east, in front of a junior high school. On the left roadside was a white line. I saw a white car, a gray car, a darker gray car, and then I passed by the t junction to the north. I was walking on the left side of road, over ditch covers. Then I saw about four of five power poles on each side again. A white minivan passed me by, and disappeared between the fourth pole and the fifth. After I walked 400 meters from the overpass over the railroad by the station I turned to right, walked 250 meter and turned to the right. It was about 100 meters walk before I arrived home. I hardly remember what the people who probably were headed for home like me looked like, or how and how fast they were walking. It's quite rare for me to have a conversation with them even though it's likely that they live near home.

It's already been the last half of July, when I looked back on struggling June. There is no national holiday in June, so I had hoped to take a paid holiday, although it was in the middle of rainy season, for it's my birth month. Actually I only took two half paid holidays to take care of myself and apply for subsidy for mental medication in the city branch office. It's only after even the next month was almost -two thirds- passed that I first noticed that this June has already flew away.

It's hot from yesterday. In some areas, rainy season ended, news say. Hot weather affected somehow on my concentration, and also I have to be careful enough to prevent heat stroke. Taking water regularly and also taking salt lost in sweat once in a while. On the next day of long bicycle ride, I especially feel in want of water, but balance is also important.

Today is a national holiday, Sea Day. I went to see the sea for the first time in 6 years. I went by bicycle. The sea nearby from home is at least 25 kilometers away and the trip became a long ride. I road as long as 60 kilometers and it took 5 hours including lunch break. I had been so scared of sea after the tsunami by the earthquake 5 years ago that I hadn't been to the sea and I even hadn't had an idea to go near the sea. Today it was very hot. The temperature reached 32C (89.6F) degrees.

I'll go on learning about Web to make it in the contest in October. In the regional contest, the point was accuracy and speed of coding according to specific features directed by the "client". In the national contest, participants need to plan and design web pages according to concepts and rough sketches by the "client". I'm relatively good at coding according to specific direction, but not so good at create pages from rough requirements. Anyway I'm going to give it try.

I made it, in: Abilympics - vocational skill contest for people with disability. Today I won regional contest (Miyagi Abilympic) of web page coding. I'm going to participate in the national contest in October, held in Yamagata. I have tried several times, and the year before last I participated in the national contest in Nagoya. I couldn't win any prize then. Hoping to win any prize next time, I'll try hard to create model pages which likely to help somehow in the national contest.

This afternoon was half holiday. I maintained my bicycle after 3 p.m. I cleaned the chain and attached a back mirror to it. The chain cleaning tool I got yesterday did a great job, so I was able to clean without much trouble. After I attached the back mirror, I went out for a ride. At first I had hard time with set the angle of the mirror. Finally I got used to it. I attached the right side of the bike, for Japan is left-hand traffic, right below the bracket of the drop handle bar. To adjust the mirror there are some tips. First I stride onto the frame of the bike before starting, setting the handle bar straight, casting my face down so that the mirror would be in my sight. Then adjust the mirror angle. - Choose a place of a road long and strong enough so that I can look back far on the road. - Keep the bike to the left of the road. - Adjust the mirror so that I can see in it horizon a third from the bottom, see the left side of the road a third from the left (inside),...

Just shouting "Yeah!!", having fun and without much thinking may not be so bad - however tough I feel my mental situation be. Just now I viewed a post of my blog friend and knew summer vacation is around the corner. Suddenly I couldn't help shouting at her kids over the screen "Yeah!!" This scream of fun has been one I have never shown on this blog. This post itself may be as trivial and sillier than ones I usually post, but posting this kind of articles can be called as my another progress.

"If I give up saying negative things, I have to mute totally." Today I was so filled with negative thoughts. The good thing is that I worked through without a trouble and got back home and writing this. I try to remember good thing more from now on.

This is my second language. It's no surprise that I learn a lot and perhaps help some one in it. This thought suddenly occurred on the way home today. The problem is that my main purpose of language, including my first one, is thinking, talking and communicating to myself rather than to someone else.

How can I help with my limited energy and ability? I experienced a training of stress experience log to become more adjustable to working environment. In the beginning of the training, I was shouting silently in my mind, "What is understanding of my characteristic? Do I have to change before they change to understand me?" Now I reflect on that time with a thought that it was one form of understanding that stress coping training have a great effect on my job rehabilitation. Now I usually log stresses I encounter daily implicitly rather than writing down somewhere, but when I really feel stressed out, I sometimes scribble my stress level and try to find a way out, by writing my thoughts I usually push back, and when my panic settles, I try to begin to think rationally. Narrating this process may be what I can help someone with.

Go ahead. In what? I scanned more than 100 sheets of old documents including English word lists and manuals of what I had when I lived in Sapporo more than 10 years ago. Also I went on bicycling uphill Mt. Izumigatake. It was 7.2 kilometers long and 400 meters hike, and it took me 42 minutes. Entire bicycling today was 44.1 kilometers and the total time today was 2 hours and 45 minutes. After that I went to church. I was much tired physically, but I felt not so bad. I was not so nervous that I needed medication for the first time in many month, although the audio of the church was so loud that I still couldn't stand stand it. I sang worship songs outside alone, but I was not out of tune. I spoke some Japanese. When my condition is bad or I am much nervous, which happens a few times a month, my mouth isn't even able to compose my mother tongue. Today I was able to speak. On weekdays this week I'm going to work with a good condition, although it's going to eith...

I view Japanese blogs of blog communities I am now in. These days the amount I can put my thoughts in words so little that I'm disappointed much When I'm viewing blogs by bloggers frequently post, I'm overwhelmed by the volumes of their articles, even though not all articles are useful to me. At least they show specifically their records of their lives or their learning. Sometimes I wish I could write articles that much.   Maybe, I'm afraid of output my thought or my lifestyle. Some of things are so delicate that if I mention them my life can be threatened. Maybe I don't have enough vocabulary to explain what is in, especially about autism spectrum disorder. Many thing I experience in my life are so far from standards that it's not easy to explain in word. How should I explain an episode that I was so nervous that I lost my voice, all I could do was moving my mouth without voice but nobody looked like to notice or dared to address, offer help or talk to ...

These are my keywords in my work experience with autism spectrum disorder People in despair, from difficulty in communication. Working experience and barriers against more responsible work. Destructive thoughts I tend to fall and constructive thought with which I can fight against despair.

Next Sunday there is an election. I'm thinking of voting beforehand, or maybe I'm going on the day. It may be a trivial thing, but you can't vote after the election ends. I need to keep it in mind because sometimes I tend to put off deadlines

I've been so tired these days that I've forgotten a good important thing about myself. I have my voice these days. I'm able to report at work with my voice. This may seem nothing special, but years ago I lost my voice a few times a month because of stress or pressure, and I had to communicate by writing with a pen then. I recalled today that I haven't used pen for communication purpose in case I lost my voice. I'm grateful that I have my voice when I have to communicate at work.

I feel blank. I do nothing after I got up 6:15 a.m. I may have read a newspaper. Videos and podcasts are on the play, and I'm sitting in front of my desk with opening my mouth. Preparing for work, going to work, working through for the day is the minimum. I have the minimum energy today with the help of supplement, stimulant, and medication.

Weather wasn't so good today. It was rather cold. Yesterday was hot as if it had been mid summer. My condition was not good either. I walked slowly in the morning. My hands and feet were sore, as well as my muscle soreness. I also had to bear up cries occasionally occurring in my head. Fortunately finally I was all through. Weather and condition was not good in the beginning of today, but I'm relieved that I finally weathered them.

The time of supper is basically fixed around 7 p.m. What I can change is when to exercise, when to leave my laptop, and when to go to sleep, and perhaps when to write. When to exercise issues another problem, in terms of losing weight. In the morning, evening, and after or before eating? There seem to be lot of opinions, but the answer to me should be decided considering my feasible life style.

The year 2011 In this afternoon, I'm scanning notes I took years ago. A notebook of 5 years ago, taken in 2011 especially draw my eyes. In the spring Sendai area had a huge earthquake and I had to stand great inconvenience for a few months. The Senzan line was out of service for 2 months, so I had to ride crowded bus in jammed traffic. Still, it was not much considering terrible losses and damages of the tsunami in coastal areas. In the summer, I studied a lot for CCNA exam. I learned a lot about the TCP/IP network, routers, network switches, and wireless LAN devices. I read textbooks, took notes over and over again to check if I was understanding knowledge on these things. At the same time stress coping efforts was on the way. When I made a mistake, terrible voices echoed in my head. To fight against this illusion, I wrote truths with scribbles of large characters. I was so excited and this was one good way to calm myself down. This approach, writing good things and tr...

This Saturday I couldn't go out for bicycling because I was sleepy in the morning. Later, weather went unstable, so I couldn't go out, and only set a bottle cage on my bike. In the afternoon I went swimming. Today I had decided to swim long because I couldn't go for bicycling. I set my pace 350 to 400 meters every 10 minutes and swam about for 40 minutes. The distance I swam during this time was 1,600 meters. The problem is that I feel these days, the more exercise, the more weight I'm getting. I'm thinking it may be the problem of my appetite and stress I told yesterday.

After work I become hungry, but even more tired so I need rest before eat something. When I eat before I calm down I have hard time with controlling my appetite. It looks like that my fullness after supper delays 30 to 60 minutes, rather than right after I eat. The time after supper, I still feel hungry and want to eat something.