Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I took notes in the day hoping that I would make a post from them. It's a shame that now I'm too tired to feel like looking back on them. If I saw them, I might say to myself, "I'm too tired now to think that way", even though I thought in that way some hours ago. Instead when I was heading home I came up with an insight. Sometimes, I become tired of schedules and directions for a few days later, but today I came up with a thought that "being worried about schedules of days ahead means I believe in such days ahead". This thought is wonderful especially when I'm so tired that I doubt if there are tomorrows in my life. Tomorrow, and the next day, probably, I will do my work coping with tasks and communications.

Now I'm home. I've just finished the work of Monday, feeling that I've gotten through the major part of this work week, even though I've only passed through just one day 4 days are still left. When I suffer from a bad mental condition, I often feel in this way. Yet, it's not really bad in that I feel the sense of being released in the middle of a week. If I were really bad, I would never feel released.

I'm worried. I'm worried about whether I can make a statement, something about our corporate philosophy from the bottom of my heart. Maybe I'm tired from acting like I have good wills and ready to take actions to please someone else. Maybe I'm disappointed that I can only behave the way most people see as strange postures and behaviors, and I'm pessimistic about finding someone to go out with in spite of my oddness. Anyway, although being away from worries is best things but some of those worries may be too real to deny, the worst thing is these worries prevent me from taking a good sleep. I was relieved that I made a few caring behaviors even though I'm frozen with tiredness, shyness and worry. Small successes in benefiting someone else probably gradually beat these worries.

On Thursday, I was so tired that I took a break from counting habit while bathing. Today, fortunately, I've been much recovered from that tiredness, and restarted the counting habit. I began with 17,500. In the beginning my lips and tongue was so heavy that I wanted to start after I counted down ten times, but soon after, I was beginning to be excited, trying to smile to myself in the mirror of the bathroom, and imagining myself making an important speech or address in front of large number of public as if I were President Obama in an election or Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. in the civil rights movement. All I spoke out still was only numbers, but this imagination gave me much greater motivation to communicate each number I was to say at every moment. I also acted in a way I was wearing a big smile to give a strong message, even if all I speak out was only numbers, and soon after I was so excited that I made a big smile from the bottom of my heart. I found that I was counting number...

"I'm here" This is the first word I screamed in my heart when I got back to my room after work. "More exactly I'm home." I thought then that just saying "I'm here" doesn't specify the place where I am at all. All that I felt that I was so nervous at work that I couldn't even imagine I finish the work of the day and go back just like as usual. At workplace, today afternoon, I was feeling that the work hour and my nervous state might last forever. Being released by this tension brought the word "I'm here" when I'm at home literally in a sense of location and mentally.

Early in the morning when I went to the living room, I saw books to tell how to read and understand old documents of Japan, especially of the Tohoku (northeastern of Japan) area. My father had borrowed the books from the library in neighborhood. These books give the key to read old documents, I think 500 to 1000 years ago. This reminded me of "history" around World War 2 era Japan and neighboring countries. It's being 70 years since Japan lost the war, and comments about leaders of these countries is making me a little bit sad. It doesn't look like that make efforts to know the past truth together and not for people from both countries to feel bitter or sad. It appears to me that , regretfully, each of both country including my country doesn't care much if people of the other country feel sad, and it's also regretful that I don't know how to know the truth in the way, "in the caring way", that minimize hurting the people of each country eit...

It's weekend if I work safely tomorrow, but am I OK tomorrow? I'm asking to myself. The pace I walk in the morning today was much better than yesterday. Slow pace of walking often indicate my mental condition going bad, so it's a good sign. The voices I "hear" from inside of me is still loud, as well as I "heard" yesterday. It's good that I know what is the date today and tell information I should report and shouldn't relatively quickly. Apparently fine today, but if I continue to work at this pace, I may go mentally wreck. Pace control and a lot of rest weekend is really important.

To go through this season, when the heaviest workload has been past, but still tough to my mental health, I'm thinking that learning and remembering vocabulary of thanks and gratitude and showing them, and things and episodes which I'd likely give thanks to. By remembering things I want to give thanks to, surprisingly, my feelings of depression and anxiety reduce much, at least these feeling are suspended and hard to appear. It may still be tough to fight with these negative feelings, but with the feelings of gratitude and gratefulness, taking advantage of these positive feelings, I hope I win the battle and the negative feeling will disappear before long.

Usually I make coffee or cafe au lait early in the morning. Today I had only hot milk. After arriving Sendai station, I ordered decaf hot drip coffee at Starbucks. At lunch time I had the second cup of decaf. The afternoon break I bought nectar from the vending machine I usually buy canned coffee from. I have been so tired that I decided that today I don't have a cup of coffee with caffeine, in order to enjoy coffee break much more the other day.

Something is going around, and almost erupt and burst into crying. Is this probably from the tiredness from the first half of March, in which I had to cope with two, three, or even four times of data at work we regularly have other time of the year? I have been thinking my mental state have been much better than the time of the year in recent two years, but the tiredness of workload is likely to affect me a little bit later. To cope with this tiredness, early action is needed, for example giving up playing game a lot at night and turning in early, to have a good night sleep. I think I've been having relatively good sleep these days, but still, the signs of tiredness is still lingering on me at the beginning of a working week.

Now I'm downloading an episode of the CBS News Weekend Roundup Podcast. I feel that I have to click more times than before I'm set to download a Podcast file. Sometimes I feel inconvenience when an app I frequently use has a major version up, because the function I have used frequently or typically is either changed greatly or totally deleted.

When I looked at myself in a mirror after supper, my eyes were red and dry. Is it because the atmosphere is dry, lack of sleep, working too much on my laptop and PlayStation3, or developing allergy to pollen? Outside was a little bit dusty and when I came from outside, I was uncomfortable, having the feeling that a little bit of fine sands in mouth. Either factor can be reason, so I'll cope with as many of the as possible. For example after I write this I'm going to sleep.

It depends on whether I have a good sleep tonight whether I'm going to skiing next morning. I had a dinner with friends since I first came to Sendai 10 years ago. I'm glad that all who was there looked fine and had a good time. Tonight I'm going to give up playing a game for a good sleep.

Signs of tiredness on both sides of my lips. These days I'm mentally in shape, comparing to the past two years. My desire to scream and cry out loud is much less than then. On the other hand, signs of tiredness appear in a different way. The both sides of my lips are sore and beginning to be chapped. It reminded me of the first few months of a job rehabilitation training, when my lips and scars of chickenpox were sore, probably because of stress from frustration with my status and long commuting time, even more than training hours. One reason for this bad sign may come from lack of sleep, so I'm trying to go to sleep as early as possible.

What day more exactly was it that I was really depressed two years ago? I'm looking up posts of my Japanese blog in March, 2013. (That year I hardly posted on this blog.) The time we had date to deal with the most was in the second week of March, but according to the blog, it was the third and fourth week of the month that my mental condition was the worst, even though we had smaller data to deal with and smaller workload. I also looked back on the posts of the time of last year, 2014. I'm surprised that I wrote posts about my mental condition going worse too, because I had thought that 2014 was much better than 2013. By the way this time of last year, I was complaining about the hike of consumption tax. This year, so far, my mental condition has been relatively good, even if I feel a little bit tired after working on laptop and entered a lot of data, and sent many emails I routinely do every day.

On a train I often see suicide prevention ads, especially in this month of the year. In our country March is the month of suicide prevention. Ads ask us if we aren't pushing too hard, without talking to anyone that we have a hard time. They also encourage us to talk to someone if you are feeling you may be having a hard time, and show the number of the hot line, toll-free number if my memory serves correct. Two years ago, I had also hard time and sometimes talked to myself that I was going to die, although I didn't really wanted to die, and I couldn't stop thinking in that way. That had a bad effect on my co-workers. In the morning the mood of the workplace then was very bad, because each of team members had temper problems especially in the morning. It was really unlikely that someone in my team would smile from the bottom of their heart. I counseled my job coach and then had a setting with my supervisors at work. I was advised that I think of benefits of someone el...

I looked up the words envy and jealousy on the train to work. It was probably because I had a desire to express myself, and recalled an episode associated with these words. Speaking of envy and jealousy, in the beginning of this blog, I picked up these topics, because I was hungry for opportunities to have conversation (especially in English) with other people. On the way back home, I also noticed that I've been cynical and mean to those studying English, some of them from their entry levels, hoping to have conversations with people from various countries. I myself have perceived myself as not a person who want to talk to a lot of people, being an introvert, and having a hard time to establish relationships with even people near me. I have found out that I don't have so strong desire to have conversations to many people. I prefer to conversations a lot with myself. When I heard a catch phrase that says "a foreign language is just a tool for communication", I...

On a train to or from work I see some people involved in their smart phones or tablets. All of these people are looking down while they are viewing and operating the screen. Is looking down most of the time on a train really smart? I thought to myself. Seeing the posture involved in the gadgets make me feel a little bit, namely, "down". Some people are reading paper books, and some of them take similar posture, but some of them take more upright postures. I finally thought that if a smart phone allow us to more upright posture and still easy to use, I appreciate it as "smarter".

The time I'm most likely to write a blog post is also the time I'm most likely to feel tired. It's after supper, and about two or three hours after I leave my workplace. I'm learning that I can be too tired to feel like thinking or writing what I wrote in the morning or in the day, thinking that it's a good subject for blog. It's like a feeling that I forget about what I thought earlier in the day, but even if I've taken the note and read back, sometimes I feel, in the evening when after work, that "did I really think this?" or, "I don't feel like this now", therefore, even taking notes for the blog post later doesn't work fully. To write more productive posts, perhaps I have to change the time of writing, or giving up some of my pastime to spare the time when I feel free from tiredness in writing a blog post.

It's before 8 PM, but I feel really sleepy. I'm thinking of going to sleep before long. What time will I wake up? 2 or 3 AM, earlier or later? Anyway taking good night  sleep is important.

I went to skiing this morning. I feel I haven't gone to skiing for a long time. According to the record of the photo I've taken, the last time I went skiing was 3 weeks ago. Last week it was rainy, and I went shopping for shoes and swimming. The week before last it was windy, and I visited a mental clinic. Today it was relatively fine and not so windy, and the snow was so fine that it helped my skiing a lot. In the morning the road was icy, and when I left the mountain, the snow was melting and the road was wet. It may be going to become icy again when the sun sets, and the temperature goes down. The announcement on the bus to the mountain had said that the bus may be delay due to another car's traffic accident. Although spring has come near, driving to a mountain for skiing should be careful enough.

I visit a lot of Japanese blogs, and I myself blog in Japanese. Basically, like this blog, my Japanese blog is just a diary too. Some popular blogs give me good information about many things. I may look for information about programming libraries. I may look for information about business manners. I may look for information about how to tidy up my cluttered desk and floor.  (and my cluttered computer and blog) I may look for information about productivity in writing. I may ask for help about how to prevent and fight with mental depression. I may ask for help in taking a good night sleep. Some blogs really gives good helps about these issues. Sometimes I think that I also want to seek the skills to write useful information about specific topic and arrange the information and knowledge I provide with in order. On the other hand, I sometimes visit blogs by those fighting with mental health problems. Typical topic are their mental conditions, the events that affect the...

Tomorrow? Going to ski? Sitting and relaxing playing games? Sleeping in the day? All options look attractive, and it's hard for me to decide. But one thing is certain. The work for this week has ended satisfactorily. I feel so tired that I sometimes forget what to bring when I have supper, but maybe it's OK if I take enough sleep, more than usual.

At high school I read a lot of short English expressions over and over again until I memorize. I read them from English-Japanese dictionaries and reference books, mainly preparing for demanding English classes. Sometimes I read tens of entries during one class, while listening to the class. That was mainly for preparation for entrance exams for universities. I've come to realize that that learning experience has been the base of my proficiency. I haven't fully taken benefit from it, but by brushing up this asset, I may be able to benefit other people by providing with information and knowledge.

Right after I came home I said to myself. Who helped you the most? I couldn't answer at once. I recalled instead the scribbles I wrote in the first few months since I began to live in Sendai. I moved Sendai from Sapporo after I got the master's degree but I couldn't find a place to work. In Sapporo, I have several friends from the church I went to then and learned and spoke English a lot, talking a lot about Bible. After moving to Sendai, being very shy, I could find hardly anyone to talk to except for my parents and the advisers of support center for the developmentally disabled. I wrote lots, lots of things because I didn't have hardly anyone then, at the age of 22, no I mean the first several months since I began to live in Sendai. It was when I was 30 years old. I wrote a lot. Some didn't make sense. Some was neither Japanese nor English, not a language that make sense to anyone. The stress and energy from loneliness made me write a lot. Some barely made...

I'm searching for information about how to show my thanks to other people. Showing thanks is one of the qualities our company values. I hope that I will be able to explain to our customers these values both in Japanese and in English.

Although I don't have much to say, I don't feel so bad these days, except for a little bit too tired with increased data to deal with at work, which is typical of the time of the year. Wondering what I was thinking this time of last year, I read back this blog. My memory has it that last year I was tired so much that I wanted to scream at the end of the week. Reading back my posts, I was unexpectedly enjoying. I went skiing a few times and I was studying a lot about web pages, especially about CSS. I also enjoyed reading books through Kindle Fire HD. This year, I don't read so much as last year, but I practice listening by transcribing newscasts spoken in English. Although tired sometimes, I enjoy the practice. The year before last I was almost mentally wreck, but both last year and this year, I have something to enjoy while I am/was pretty tired from a lot of work.

Saturday: I had lunch at a Chinese restaurant near Rikuzen-Ochiai station. Then I took bus for the center of Sendai. I didn't take train, on which it takes shorter time, because the store I plan to go shopping is near a bus stop of the bus I take, but if I took train it would take extra 15 minutes to walk to the shop. I went shopping for business shoes, especially for rainy days. I bought three pairs of socks as well as my new pair of shoes. I have been trying socks from many shops because recently the socks I had bought is easy to go bad. Sunday evening: I had bath. I counted numbers while bathing. I counted from 19,250 down to 18,970. While counting down I also thought about why I've been chosen counting number as a practice of spoken English. I imagine that many people thinks that the easiest things to say may be their name and some information about themselves, but I feel that the things about myself I really can tell easily is not so many. Even saying my name, which s...

These days my condition has been not so good as to go to skiing. My body has been heavy and less flexible than when I enjoyed skiing in January and February. At that time every Saturday I went to skiing. Last Saturday I visited a mental clinic and this Saturday I bought business shoes for rainy days, and then went to swimming. Swimming takes physical exertion as well as skiing, but it's much easier to go because it only takes about a half hour to get to the swimming pool nearby, while it takes about 2 hours to get to a mountain for skiing. If my mental and physical condition, and weather are permitting, I'd like to go to skiing as much as possible before the snow of mountain thaws.

Today's count down. From 19,750 to 19,250 in while having a bath. Released from the work of the week, although pretty tired, my heart become light, and so did my tongue. But when I reached 19,400 and began to count 19,300s, suddenly my tongue became heavy. I had a similar experience when I counted 7,300s the day before. Probably it's difficult for me to pronounce the sequence of words "thousand, three hundred and ...".

When having supper, I noticed that I've become more impatient than usual. Last year I described this as "my siren man", because I felt as if siren were making a loud sound inside my head and years, and it took a lot of effort to endure the temptation of crying out loud. This year, my condition has been relatively good and apparently there's no chance for "my siren man" to appear. But considering carefully about my condition, even looking back on my posts here of little information, there are some small signs of stress, and I sometimes chose avoid having fun to take more rest. These signs of tiredness may have been preludes of "my siren man". The fact is that, I'm so tired that I'm tempted to some short-tempered behaviors, and to control myself I retreated to my room early, aborted the draft of the blog post I just wanted to do 1 hour ago, and prepared for having a rest as early as possible. 1 work day left for this week. Enough sleep...

It wasn't good that I became impatient when my laptop at work became heavy, which prevented me from entering data quickly. I learned from this experience that I may want to set a realistic pace according to the current situation I'm in. When a laptop doesn't allows me to a lot of inputs at a time I have to change the pace according to the pace the laptop allows me to.

Sometimes I spend more than an hour without coming up with any word in front of my laptop. This is no wonder, considering I even didn't have voice when I had to introduce myself years ago. I did know my name but I couldn't say my name. I was frozen. Now I have few words to say, but it's much better than then, because I wasn't frozen either just like then. I wish that I could have explain "I do know my name, but I can't say it at all" at that time, but if I had been able to, I would also have been able to able to say my name easily... while writing this, I'm beginning to doubt this. Well, I have some ability to explain my bad states, my problems, my difficulties, and I do imagine that most people think that if I have such ability of explanation, then I should be easily to say my name. In my case, explaining situations is one thing, and saying my name or someone's name has been quite different. I have always been shy about saying someone's...

Now it's 4:30 am. I feel pretty good, for it looks like that I have had good sleep and good wake-up. Maybe I should be careful because my left eye is red when I look into a mirror on a desk. I woke up early, to be honest, is primarily because I wanted to play a game, but since I feel I have a lot of time, I check a few things on the Internet: viewers, and comments of my blog and the blogs I visit frequently. Besides that, I check news which looks interested to me. The problem is portals I often use. More strictly the choice of portal. News I'm prone to read depend on what I choose for Internet portals. I view news from Yahoo! Japan and sometimes from Niconico Douga. The news I view the most is sports news. Sometimes I view news of some social issues and points of view from the eyes of geeks. I seldom view news of entertainments. Sometimes I think that I could choose some portals which provide us with English media headlines. Especially I'm beginning to interested in n...

I thought all the task in front of PC be done before I have a bath, for I've heard that working on my PC is bad for my sleep, but I wasted time for watching YouTube videos of gameplays. I planned to have a good sleep to make time to make time for playing games myself, but I couldn't overcome the temptation.

Just now when I was in front of my laptop to set to think of what to blog, put my fingers on my laptop, and clicked the browser window, the display of my laptop suddenly turned off as if I shut down or suspended it. With its graphical interface, when nothing can be seen on the display, I have little to do to even reboot the system. Soon after, the display was lit up, but the clock on it displayed that it was 2 minutes to 10 pm, Saturday. Upset by this incorrect display of time, as is often happened when the system is overloaded, I watched the clock in the room. It was 20 minutes past 9 pm, and it was Sunday. I remember I went to Sunday service in the evening. Fortunately, the display and the entire system began to work again in a few minutes, and in a few minutes I began to compose this post. There are several security and maintenance programs on a PC. These are helpful to protect our computer and our personal information, but I feel that up-to-date security and maintenance pro...