Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

From the moment I entered university, I had a strong (wrong) belief that I was unwanted, I was wanted from nowhere. This wrong belief hurt me a lot and prevented my motivation and will to continue my effort and continue to grow. This finally brought me to a dead end in seeking for my career.

Endless fatigue in this may - I felt my body stiff and my mind heavy almost every day, after running a half marathon, and dealing with small tasks, but perhaps I'm seeing the light of the exit of this tunnel of tiredness. Finally I'm regaining the habit of jogging. When I get to love cycling again, I will have been fully recovered. I look back on this may, and notice that there was not a off-duty day really free. Every weekend, I was meddled with small tasks or troubles.

I had a lot of sleep last night, fortunately. My fatigue seemed to be much relieved. Still I feel I want more, especially when I felt a bit sleepy in the afternoon. I feel stuck, little hope in the future, and my body too heavy to start jogging. In what topic would I find hope? What would I offer a topic in what field? Perhaps, homepage and abylimpics (job skill contest)? Still I kind of like computer network technologies. I advanced a bit my study for CCNP switch. These days I'm learning about high availability of gateway with standby router protocols. The atmosphere of supper got somehow sour, when the topic of mass stabbing near Tokyo. The criminal seems to a bit of Hikikomori, and lived with his relatives, who are near the age of my Parents. I didn't know what to say, and I was even at a loss what facial expression to make. 15 minutes before I had failed to make myself understood, (of course in my native and our common language Japanese) when I told the story of two ca...

Yesterday, I lost time of sleeping, by spending time with similarity of video game musics, and roaming around a bit mortifying news. Having hard time with what to write for that day is another reason. Today what-to-write issue is being cleared by writing this. Then the next point will be that I choose to sleep instead of surfing the web after 9 p.m. As a long sleeper, sleeping before 10 p.m. is a key for the quality of my sleep.

I have forgotten that I had placed a shirt on my bed to wear for work, but I actually wore another shirt. I didn't notice this until I was back after work. Probably I will wear the first shirts for work tomorrow. I'm feeling my cognitive capability pretty weaker than usual. Although I don't forget how to do at work, I sometimes forget I had done some preparation and I end up doing them again. I also have a difficulty in controlling my temper. I barely control myself, but it now looks to me much stronger enemy than usual.

This week I want to start with hope. Last Wednesday evening I met with young adults with developmental disorders/ on the autism spectrum, at South Developmental Assistance Center of Sendai. That was a monthly meeting, where participants have an opportunity to share what they felt about life with that disability. For last a few years, I have been feeling this setting as rather a burden than a chance, because I have been feeling that there is nothing to share about the issue. I have been beginning to think that I would rather like to focus on skills which might be helpful in business career, than thinking about help I would need.

I couldn't go to Gassan. I was turned down take my skis on board the highway bus at Sendai station bus terminal. 7 years ago it was OK to take my skis on the bus. The rule has been changed. My 2018-2019 ski season had come to an end with a discouraging happening, but I want to keep my motivation to the next season, maintaining my physical and mental state in tune and turn into the next season in a good condition, although it'll be likely to experience so many ups and downs as with my mental vulnerability along with my autistic characteristic.

Tomorrow I'm going to Gassan, Yamagata for skiing. I have been so tired mentally and physically that I couldn't decide until today's afternoon.

Renewal of my driver's license had been smoothly done, having started for the venue early in the morning. Then in the afternoon, I went to city branch office for the renewal of medical expense deduction. The procedure was a bit stressful, although there was no difficult point. Perhaps I felt that I felt that some staff was doubting my understanding of the terms and the forms to fill in. I know this is just my wrong thought without reason. Now I'm thinking that it's a good idea to think the way following: "Today, taking advantage of a paid holiday, I finished two renewal tasks which I had worried from more than a month before. Although this holiday itself was really tiring and stressful, still it was good in a sense that I was successful to remove 2 tasks which make me worries, and for the next weekend the situation will be much less stressful."

So many things have happened since the members met the last time. I finally went to the meeting, although I had thought twice to go for the reason of my condition. I told about IPA Japan Database Specialist exam, Sendai International Half Marathon, and renewal of my driver's license, but then I forgot about clinic visits many times, and a mistaken notification from the dentist's.

I've gotten too tired even to play a video game. Moreover, my action tonight was so slow that I'm even failing to go to bed early to have a lot of sleep, hoping to get better for next morning.

One by one I have done items on to-do lists. Clinic visits, and posting the entry form for abilympics prefecture session. From my tiredness from the half marathon a week ago, I find if very hard to find what I do well. When I list them up, my heart is getting much lighter than before, when I feel negative about myself.

Going to my local church when I'm near meltdown as a person with autism is pretty tough. Although I'm able to understand most of words, in Japanese, and English, with my behavior and speech, I'm hardly able to make myself understood. Until I was settled, I spent time outside the church. Fortunately it was mile and sunny outside, although a bit too windy to play badminton outside.

6 days after Sendai Half marathon, I'm still weary when I move with my legs, walk, jog and run. Yet swimming seems to be OK. I went swimming to a pool in the morning today, because I had an appointment with dentist's 5 p.m., when I usually go to swim. First I was thinking of just dipping myself into water and relax, rather than swimming a certain distance, still less swim at my maximum speed. Once I got into the pool, I found my condition unexpectedly good in swimming, especially in getting speed efficiently in breast stroke. I swam 50 meters in 57-58 seconds with less effort than I swam before April. In freestyle, it take a bit less than 50 seconds for me to swim 50 meters, as usual.

Early in this morning I participated in a volunteer program held by my workplace, and engaged in a cleaning activity of a park near the office. It was an opportunity to see members I don't usually have a chance to have a contact, but, not having taken regular breakfast at home, I was very hungry in the morning, although after I got to Sendai station and before the volunteer activity I had soba noodle.

5 days after the half marathon, now I'm able to climb down stairs. Climbing down is far hard than climbing up, when my legs are tired from long jogging or walking.

Yesterday I was able to keep high motivation for studying IT industries, but today my motivation went down to the bottom. Last night I went to sleep 11 p.m., more than an hour later than I had planned.  Sleep, its quantity and quality is an important factor of motivation. I learned through this experience.

The effort to find and the effort to be found. So far I have only done the effort to find, by search and input. I'm thinking of making an effort to be found, by output about learning and programing activities.

One day after a half marathon, my feet and legs are a bit miserable. I have to stand pain of leg muscles and a blister on my left sole. I was capable of walk only at a half speed of an average pedestrian. In the morning, when I ran to the station nearest from home hurriedly, I was even taken over by a few walkers. I intended to run but slower than some walking men! This typically happens a day after participating in a long distance running event, and I hope I'll get a bit better tomorrow. Fortunately, my brain was relatively clear, and no problem with my work, apart from I perhaps looked a bit awkward in the eyes of some colleagues when I walked liked a penguin, enduring the pain in my legs and foot.

Sendai International Half Marathon today. Finish time 2h 13s. It was good that I was able to keep on running, although a bit of pace down. I wanted to finish within 2h 10s, but to do so I also wanted more speed and stamina. I had succeeded to practice as having planned, but for next time I may want to make a plan for a higher goal.

The race will be tomorrow. My tiredness from this Monday is still lingering, but I feel like jogging just 200-300m and my feeling wasn't so bad. First I run 10 kilometers at a slow pace, which is I think I can do in my current condition, and think of another 10 kilometers, considering my condition after I run the first 10 kilometers.

Can I really run a half marathon Sunday? I feel still heavy. The last time I jogged more than 20 kilometer is just 2 weeks ago. A week ago I went skiing. This week, I tried to jog every morning, but I think twice I feel sore muscles at my first step. Fortunately no major problem with knees hand hip.

No problem with work these days, but I haven't been gotten much better since I had sore muscle after I went skiing a week ago. I hope I'll get better by Sunday, when I run a half marathon.

I want to lie on my bed as soon as possible. I had been tired since the afternoon of work, and thinking about it from then. "I take a rest as soon as I get to home, 6:30 p.m. as soon as possible." However it was after 7 p.m. I actually got home, due to the delay of the train by accident, and I took bus instead. I had put tasks too much at work yesterday, in addition to a homepage update, and it was just today that I had worked at too fast a pace.

May 7, the first work day after golden week was cold and windy outside, although it was sunny and rather too hot inside.

The 10-day golden week holidays is now ending. From tomorrow I go to work again. Weather was unstable on the last day of the holidays.

Tomorrow is the last day of the big golden week holidays. The day after tomorrow, I will go to work again. Tomorrow morning, I'm planning to ride the same train I ride to work, to restore my habit of weekdays.

Today, one day after skiing was the day I have to bear sore muscles. I had hoped to either jog or swim, but my body was telling it was the day to have a rest.

Skiing for today, May 3, 2019. at Zao Hot Spring Resort. Fine weather. Wind is also mild to high elevation. It wasn't too hot to bear in my regular ski wear. High temperature of Yamagata city was 22C. Snow condition: unexpectedly enough snow. According to official site 50cm snow. Half moguls and half flat slope. I enjoyed skiing perhaps the last time for this season. It's the 20 time for this season.

I'm preparing for skiing tomorrow. I'm going to go to Zao hot spring, Yamagata. There is enough snow there, thanks to a few snowfalls in April. I was a bit worried that snow would disappear early, because there were little snowfall in March.

Happy new period, Reiwa. On the first day of May, 2019, celebrating the beginning of a new period in Japan was like "another new year's day", some enjoy watching the first sunrise of the period and some made "first visit" of shrine. Unlike the beginning of Heisei period beginning from 1989 coming after the death of Emperor Hirohito, the change of periods is received with full of celebration.