Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I'm going for jogging after supper, with minimum waste of time, hoping better sleep at night and early waking up next morning.

Fatigue and tiredness is the thing I suffer daily, and it affects my behavior greatly. This morning I could hardly walk forward, from physical and mental tiredness. At the Sunday service, I stopped for several minutes at the entrance. I almost forgot what to do. As always, my sensory issue was so serious in the beginning, when sounds from the chapel reached, I felt as if I had felt pain by being struck hard from near the heart. I didn't really felt pain, but I was beaten to the floor and frozen all the same. In the end I adjusted myself and sit and listened for the last few minutes. When I sang along with a worship song, I noticed that the sound I heard, amplified and made louder from the big speakers with its cabinet height more than 1 meter, was as loud as the voice of my song, also as large as the voice when I scream when I feel great pain of body or mind. In the afternoon, I joined in the cleaning of the church, and I kind of enjoyed, taking care of kids. It was a bit r...

In recent 3 days, I was into upgrading the quality of my blog post, but on Saturday, my enthusiasm is wearing out for the time of being. Allowing myself to take a brake from blogging for a few days may help, but I'm thinking twice. I'm worried that if I take a break for a while, the break will be long, and perhaps my next post may be a half year later, or even thinking of quitting from blogging. So far, I'm able to be efficient in writing a post when I make a question to myself, and try to answer sincerely. Then another question occurs to me. Do I enjoy blogging? Isn't daily blogging just an obligation? Most of time I thought that blogging is obligation that I impose on myself to grow my English proficiency. How often I enjoy writing a post is a few times a month. A few times a month, this pace perhaps the best pace of my blog post, if I really want to deliver readers to quality blog posts.

In 2014 and 2015, my blog post was much more focused than now. In 2014, I focused on events from 2005, when I finished graduate school, without finding a job and with serious communication and behavioral problems, until 2007, when I finally landed on a part time job at a post office. Review of my life chronologically - My life events from 2005 to 2007 I read back my entries then. It wasn't so bad. On the contrary, much better than my blog entries these days. Next year, 2015, I focused on my daily progresses. I was determined to take note of any progress every day, whatever small it may be. I was determined to note 100 times, and made posts of 100 progress. I would like to make a list of links my progresses page then. Why was I able to focus on so persistently then? I think that one motivation was behind this. I wanted to become a writer even though English is my second language, and thought that focusing on one issue at a certain period way an efficient way to achieve thi...

I wanted to count how many words my draft. There may be convenient online tools, but you can also use Google Docs . My current goal is making a 500 word article one week. Thanks to the help , I made it. First, I looked for what icon to click, for many google apps like gmail, many function was shown by icons instead of words. However, the "Tool" menu, which "Word Count" function belongs to was shown by a word, in a menu bar. At first I was surprised a bit. In Google Chrome and Gmail, you don't see a menu bar like another legacy Windows apps. Here's what I did, after a bit of detour. 1. Open Google Docs and create new document. 2. Copy my draft and paste it on the new document. 3. Select all 4. While selecting all my draft, click "Tools" on (our old friend) menu bar on the top of the app. 5. Select "Word count" from the drop down menu under "Tools" of the menu bar Here I got the word count of my writing, with 21...

When I'm tired and sinking in despair, I often can't help limping and talking something to myself. I even say a few word that are associated suicide. I believe that even in such a moment I don't really want to commit suicide. Whereas I know that it's a bad habit that someone encountering me may hear from me words reminding them of death. These day, I'm getting aware of the fact that it isn't only me who are talking to themselves while walking. They may look a bit awkward and weird, but I have found that at least encountering such people talking to themselves aren't totally unbearable. I may look miserable when I'm so tired and depressed that I can't help limping and talking to myself, but I acknowledge such a condition as a part of my life and characteristic. I'm just thinking that "could I replace some of the words talking to myself to a bit more positive word, instead of ones associated with death and destruction." My mind may b...

Since around the beginning of this year, 2019, I have been thinking that "the need of place (a peer group) I can have conversation" isn't necessarily my priority. From yesterday's session, I'm inclined to change my mind. Conversations in a peer group isn't so bad. There are a few interesting topics, even if we are going to lose dedicated facilitators. I was thinking I wasn't able to enjoy conversation without help from a facilitator, and I had seldom enjoyed conversation with only peer members. Looks like my thought was wrong. It depends on topics. When a topic is about odd rules from school or peer pressure from classmates, I can relate to it, because I had long suffered from such kinds of experiences, and they greatly affect my personality, especially my shyness even up to now. It takes a lot of energy to join in a peer group with people on autism spectrum disorder. I don't think I can enjoy every time, while working almost full time. But jo...

I have continued this blog for 10 years. My objective is still the same. Getting used to posting something on the Web. Have I achieved this goal? Yes and no. Before I begin my two blogs, in English and Japanese, I was so scared of my messages through the Internet, it took 12 hours for me to edit an email before I send. These days I have to send more than 10 emails at work. With that slow speed, it would take 6 days only to sending business emails I have to send in a day. After I began to run a blog, I got used not only to writing a post, but also to making up an email with much faster speed and much less scare. However, I'm thinking that I haven't fully used to blogging when I take it more seriously. These days I have began to search information for what is a good blog and a popular blog is like. I'm thinking if there's a way to make my blog much better. For the time being, considering my mental state, I have no choice but recording my daily trivial things....

Do, but not expect. I'm changing my attitude towards no hope I'm facing. I have been thinking even though I study hard, there's few chances to career up. However, even if there's no hope, stop studying means losing one of my major objectives, and losing one of my important characteristics.

When I came to Sendai 14 years ago, I was afraid of losing places and people in which I was able to speak. I knew no one then and I needed to build up human relationships from scratch. I needed a place, I mean, to be honest, I needed a few people to listen to my story and what I had struggled with. 14 years passed and, if not fully, I feel kind of secure. I feel that there isn't really a need to appeal something to win security. Also, reflecting on my characteristic, I don't really like to speak much. I would rather like to "do", such as exercises or study about information technology. In another 10 years, situations may change, but for now, seeking for a place to speak won't pay, for the fatigue of taking crowded subway to the venue, in addition to taking Senzan Line to get home.

Partially settled: freestyle swimming flip turn problem. I gave up I turn exactly symmetrically. Instead I focus on turning my neck down my legs and legs coming to desirable position to kick the wall of the pool, to get speed in the next direction.

Today I practiced freestyle flip turn, same as yesterday. I haven't learned turning on my right hand yet. In that direction, I'm scared of turn my head down and upside down, and my both feet don't very well reach the end of the pool so as to kick it to get speed after the turn.

This morning I went to a clinic to receive my result of rubella immunity test I took the other day. According to the result, I need not a vaccination. The clinic was near one I regularly go to for cure of my high blood pressure. After that I went to a mental clinic. I visit the clinic about once a month. Fortunately my two clinic visits was done before noon. After clinic visits and I got home, I felt sleepy and my eyelids sore. This delayed my start for going to swim. I didn't get vaccination, so there was no problem with going to swim. I had been thinking that I wouldn't go to swim, because I was going to get a vaccination, after receiving my immunity test. When I was swimming, I struggled with flip turns of free style. I was able to turn on my left hand, but I couldn't on right. 

Jogging for stress relief and sleep. This is what I hope for tonight. I did well in this week, for I made several contacts about matters I had long been worried about and most of them look like to come to conclusions.

Explaining myself is not easy, especially when I have to explain why so often I find myself in communication and behavior troubles. I have just recently noticed that why it isn't easy for me to find right words for describing myself. It's because it sometimes requires a few academic terms to describe some of difficulties I'm likely to bump into in my daily life. It isn't easy even in my native language Japanese. In my childhood, I read books about education, psychology, and mental health in order to find out solutions for why I run in to so many troubles every day and how I can improve my situation. Exact the same approach will be required to describe myself in daily difficulties here.

How do I give satisfaction? This is a thing I'm to focus on the most. This is why I never quit. Also, I want to recover the capability of enjoying and looking forward to something. I have lost this capability these days mainly from mental tiredness. I had to cope with even still so many stressful situation, although people around me have made a lot of efforts to relieve me from coping with most of them.

My physical condition and strength has picked up, compared to those of 5 years ago. I noticed this from my blog entry at the time. In 2014 I ran 10 kilometer race and it took 53 minutes. I think I will be able to finish around 50 minutes in this year.

I don't want to blame past human environments which brought about my low self esteem, which has long and seriously affected my career. I just want to solve one by on my current stressful situation, tangled and intertwined complexly. On the other hand, I'm disappointed to notice how my mind is filled with negative feelings about myself, total lack of proficiency to put forward myself and my tendency to giving up tough situations and wasting my efforts until then, and current trend of society, thriving powers which don't value human rights and tolerance for diversity. Looks like these bad things in my mind is making my mind ill, making the room in my mind for enjoying what I like, and focusing on what I'm good at. This is one reason why I have been quiet so far. I have known from experience, and hopefully by the course of my mental growth, that putting negative feelings  into words doesn't make people around me happy. On the other hand, I know little about things o...

I have my hands full with temporary expenses and how many places I have to make contacts with. It was not until I went to the Sunday service today. The sound of piano sounded like the sound from a jet engine of an airplane. Although I arrive at the local church on time, I couldn't enter the chapel until an hour passed. Until then I was crying out loud on a bench outside the church building, unable to control my perception that I could have been treated more fairly. Lest I wouldn't crash anything, I kept my body stiff on bench, and my prayer was rather like a  scream of the siren of a fire engine. At work on weekdays I seemed to behave. However my mind has been almost wreck from tens of stress source, large and small.

I'm so obsessed about Cisco certificates. One reason is I enjoy learning about network technologies thanks to a lot of attractive (third-party) learning programs and exam preps. The problem is, if I'm going to get CCNP, the exam fee will be more than my monthly income even if I make it in the shortest attempt, and considering my situation, it won't give any advantage in my career, because I need employment with understanding and assistance. Earning the certification could be just a big waste of money. Preparing for exam, but not going to take the exams can be even better alternative. I still enjoy learning, and feel a bit better financially.

As Yahoo! Japan terminates its blog service, I migrated my Yahoo! Japan Blog to Seesaa Blog. Most of my gaming blog friends, however, moved to Ameba Blog. Among them topics of newly released 17th Touhou Project  Wily Beast and Weakest Creature . I have long been away from Touhou Project topics since I gave up my laptop, in which, most of Touhou game was installed. In my new desktop, any Touhou Project game haven't been installed yet, apart from a few titles in my old external hard drive. Simply I have been busy with other things and not so energetic as to play with those crazy fireworks of bullet hell. I had been thinking that gaming contents of my Japanese blog be separated from my main blog. I'm not sure yet, my gaming contents would be on my main blog like before, or making another blog dedicate to gaming contents with Seesaa, the same blog service as my main blog, or creating an account of and a gaming blog with Ameba, like my gaming blog friends.

What would I say if I were asked by my friend, "How's it going?"? Considering my mental state, I would say, "Tired." I have been refrained from saying it, because if I did on this blog, most of, I mean, over a half of my entry would be "I'm tired." I'm so tired when I have a chance to post here something. However, on my way back from work, even if I am really tired, I would answer differently. In spite of my tiredness, I'm still full of hope, because I'm strongly influenced by the podcast I listen to. When I listen to Effortless English Podcast, my motivation goes up dramatically, because Teacher AJ's speech is fun, encouraging and motivating. According to information sources about job market of infra engineers in Japan,  chances for newcomers over age 40 without prior experience is really limited, whatever certificate they may achieved. Actually if I had absolutely superior communication skills and absolute confidence, suc...

Summer heat coming to an end. This morning the thermometer at the entrance indicated 19 degrees Celsius. It looks like the heat still remain on my house, and I needed air conditioning in my room in the day and in the evening.

I don't like a large header image which covers most of the first view of the page, especially when I want to reach the point as soon as possible. I hear time and time again that your cover photos and header photos are important to show your page or entry attractive, but sometimes I feel that such decoration sometimes interrupts me with viewing information I need at my first view. My way and preference of searching information may be particular to my duties, but I'm thinking that it's also important for readers to be able to know how to reach the point at their first view.

How many days could I stand, if I had no chance of conversation for many days. One week, or perhaps one month? Actually every day I talk to my father and mother, although at work I say few words at work, and doesn't feel much inconvenience.

Until I was back home this evening, (I was thinking that) my condition wasn't not so bad. In the morning there was no problem with my work, and in the afternoon, I learned a lot about computer network and how to build a website or web pages. When I arrived home, however, my brain stopped to think, as if I were feeling there were no hope in the future, and as if the battery of my brain were dead. I'm thinking that there are some hopes in the future still, but it looks like my brain has stopped its activity for today.

Where can I find hope in my daily life? When I came up this question, I noticed that my mental state may be on the decline. If I'm mentally in shape, I will do every activity with hope, working, jogging, swimming, cycling, and studying about computer network.

I'm being reminded the fact that daily records, as well as photos, I had kept on my blogs daily is helping me understand my pieces of writing in the past. Without my past entries and photos as clues, I wouldn't very well recall what those written pieces mean, in spite of the fact that it was I that I wrote those pieces in the past. This is at least one important motivation of keeping diary on my blogs, however trivial, however awkward, and however meaningless to other people. My entries are at least messages to myself later. Even though providing information useful to other people may be a step really far beyond, continuing to taking the steps of keeping trivial record will certainly take me this farther.

Summer heat has been back! On coming Saturday and Sunday, high temperature will likely to reach more than 30 degrees. Next, a typhoon is passing around Monday morning. I hope it won't affect transportation to work.

I'm not sure if I'm really fit for a network engineer job. However, I have found that at least I like to tackle problems shown in exams for certificates of network engineer, acquiring knowledge about information technologies, especially computer network technologies.

I'm enjoying to learn a lot about network technologies, but I'm thinking that perhaps I have to say goodbye to IT industries. Passing the age of 40 without core job experience in this field, there are few chances to get a job, no matter how many and how high level certificates. Still I won't give up learning, because it's part of my motivations to learn about network technologies, even though it may not highly related to my current and future job.

"Paced Run" and "Long Slow Distance" jogging again. I searched for training menus to run 10 kilometers in 50 minutes. I found menus of paced run. So far I have jogged at a pace I like. Actually when I jog, I start with walking and it's fine I walk 10 minutes and walk just a minute. Then, typically, I surprisingly jog 30 minutes and walk 10 minutes. Setting the pace, and decided to jog rather than to walk from the first is quite a hurdle, but if I want to compete with past myself in my 20s, I want to get over this hurdle. And what about "Long Slow Distance" jogging? Well I had planned to write about it when I began to write, but in the course I describe the barrier in front of paced jogging, I have forgotten to what to write. Well, tonight I'm planning to round-trip slow jogging to Rikuzen-Ochiai station about 3 kilometer aware from here in more than 70 minutes, so I need to start as early, say 7 p.m., as possible.

I got Adobe CS3 (license) and installed on my Windows 10 PC. I already have Illustrator CS6, but I wanted to get Photoshop with a low cost. I needed to edit photos for designing a website for contest. Photoshop CS3 looks still powerful enough in the eyes of a light PC user like me, however Dreamweaver CS3 looks quite out of date, because of the shift to HTML5 and CSS3, even I installed an HTML5 extension. Probably I have no choice but using Dreamweaver CS3 as a text editor with functions slightly a bit useful to HTML and CSS, although I have to cope with some elements, properties, and rules this version don't know. I also have to remember how to use Photoshop. It has so many powerful function that it takes a lot of time and practice to master even basics and most frequently used functions, which is a bit tough on my nerve and eyes.

Monday's priority: Relieving my co-workers by behaving. Keeping my calmness under muscle soreness. Sending required data free from any flaw. Preparing some evidences and receipts I have to send the Miyagi team, concerned the travel of Abilympics National Meet held in Aichi. Training pace: Basically a break, and walk-only. Consumption pace: Limiting around 200 yen, canned coffee in the morning.

This weekend I practiced flip turn of swimming. I have overcome the fear of turn, but the direction of the kick isn't set properly, and making inefficient turn.