Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

In the beginning after I decided I needed a care in job hunting and even of pastime, I felt as if my intellect had been deprived. At that time I was so weak and so confused that I couldn't decide or judge even small things, and I actually needed a daycare. Now I know thanks to this daycare period, I've been recovered to do some small work, but when I was in a care, I thought I had been capable before, for example when I was in university, I at least lived alone (although, thanks to parents, financial support was adequate), got daily food, took care and shut down tap water to avoid being frozen. In a daycare, not all participants were capable, and things would go as the least stressful for the least capable. It was certainly stress-free, and I needed for a short period to recover, but having the memory of being somehow capable, I needed to seek some challenge.

Group activities in the city support center was no place to say my opinions. Some participants looked like not understanding. As to serious communication problem, I'm the same as the other participants. This didn't necessarily mean that what each participant is thinking in their mind is the same. When I took up the topic of self-care or peer-supporting, no one looked like to be interested. I became very sad and I told the feeling to a support staff at that time. She suggested I observe another group. The group at that time consisted of two young guys, who also go to the center for counseling about their disorders. They were really intelligent and I enjoyed listening to their discussion. At first, I couldn't understand what was wrong with them, but I was told that each of them struggled in their job, asked the center for the help, and had diagnosis of developmental disorders. The next month, I was allowed to join the conversation. Each time participants brought a theme...

This week I attended two small meetings. I have sore muscle in spite I haven't done much exercise, so I suspect that the communications, which is my weak point, of meeting can be among the causes of my fatigue with sore muscle especially in the hip. I chaired a small monthly meeting among team members in my office. Each of members including me had developmental disabilities. In this meeting members decided daily goals as to three items our office especially values. Fortunately all goals have been set, but I'm sorry for having delaying the end of meeting 10 minutes. It was lack of consideration that I couldn't display the points on the meeting in a way participants can easily, which cause longer time keeping the records of the meeting. The monthly meetings have been pressures for me because I can't easily guess what is going to happen next and what is going to be decided. I was worn out many times so much that I either became speechless, frozen, or panicked. It too...

The second year in Sendai was on the way to find my way of interacting with society. Through a year of group activities in city development support center, I hoped to participate in activities which was more spontaneous and in which I feel I could be more helpful. One of supervisors in the activities suggested a volunteer activity. A coach in swimming classes for kids with autism. I swam with an elementary school boy with high-functioning autism. He was good at backstroke, while I could swim except for backstroke. He had huge curiosity about math and science, which help me recover my aspiration for knowledge and self-esteem. His mother was thankful to me for just swimming with him just being myself. It was me that was really grateful, in that I can help someone without giving up being myself. It's been years since I lost contact of this activity, but certainly it was a milestone that I felt that I can be helpful with my characteristic not just being a burden of society. In ...

I meant that "give me a break". But even though it doesn't really make sense, this shows very much of my condition. Certainly, I need help. Certainly, I need a brake to slow down to prevent overwork. From the morning, although in high spirit, I felt the symptom of weariness, having gone thorough monthly meeting yesterday. Before starting work, I made "misspells" in every word I took memos for myself. Today also did I make mistakes of communication when I happened to find an additional information to report when I was doing another work and informed of it badly. This lowered my confidence even more. I was so stressed out that I might become back a siren man, but so far, fortunately, the siren put out of my mouth has been as small as I regularly talk. For this reason, literally, I think it's time to have a break from writing my story of around age 30 for this night.

After 3 months of intensive job training course in Chiba, I was back to Sendai. This training helped much to imagine what is work like and myself at work. I thought this had shorten the way to find a job. I thought I would find a job before long. After I returned Sendai, I took a followup training. In this course, I went to mock factory of the regional job center for disabled. The first week of the training hurt my self-esteem. I felt as if I had lost all the higher education I had gone through. After all, prides and complacency from higher education was irrelevant to going to work every day. Another reason I lost my confidence was even there, I couldn't say my name at first. On the first day, I had so hard a time to report the result of my work with my name that it took half an hour before I became faint and frozen, and recover from my frozen state, and finally I barely said the result with my name with the voice of the buzzing of a mosquito. After few months of experience...

3-month job training course in Chiba was quite a change of environment. I took lodging in the dormitory area of the job center, which was the national headquarter of regional job centers for disabled, the Miyagi center was one of which I had gone to when in Sendai. I was the only participant of the course who came from a remote location and lodged in the center. The other participants was able to commute from their homes daily. Instead, several young people taking another course took the center for lodge. They took the job rehabilitation course for people with traumatic brain injuries. The course also gave me the opportunity to learn self control imagining a thermometer in my mind and tell the "temperature" of my mind. At the beginning of each lecture, the participants, all of whom were with developmental disabilities, worked on a worksheet. We told the "temperature" of vitality of the day, by filling in a thermometer on the form. The main skill I lear...

In 2005, my first year in Sendai went by, going to job center, and group activities regularly. As to job hunting, I couldn't make any substantial progress. I went to several job fairs for collage graduates and ordinary young people, and in most cases, I was either panicked or frozen, as I did the year before. I also took counseling several times, sorting out what kind of job I could find. I was kind of mentally broken down at that time, felt so week, that I could only work less than half time of typical office worker of my age. I was also thinking that my only advantage was intelligence, but it might hardly contribute to economical productivity. On the other hand, small progress had been seen in my socialization. Seeing other participants in a group work making an effort in communicating with other people even if he knew he could little to do in communication, I was encouraged to communicate more often even if interactions I felt weren't good enough. I wasn't ...

I began job hunting. I was speechless when it comes to things related to job hunting, and it seemed a despair to me. I had lost connections when I was a student. I wasn't social, and every time I joined in a group, someone kind found me helpless and lost, and counted me in the group he or she was in. I wished that when I had to find a work too someone kind appeared and counted me in. Sendai was my parent's home, but I was new to there. They moved in there after I entered university. Until then, my family lived in a southern city in Iwate prefecture, 100km north of Sendai. Therefore I totally lost contact with friends in university, and before then. The city support center suggested that I join in a group of young adults with developmental disabilities. I lost no time to join. The participants were much the same age as I was, many of them was a little bit younger, and some was a little bit older than I. Each of them had something strange in their way of behavior, or i...

I went to city development support center, by way of regional job rehabilitation center. I went there with my parents. I don't remember if the counselor from the job center was with us. My parents and I was asked several questions there. I was asked my name. I was so nervous that it took as long as 15 minutes to say my name. I of course knew my name, and could usually say it, but once I lost the most suitable timing to say it, I felt it would take forever to catch the next chance. And once I said my name I talked about myself. Parents were surprised that I was so speechless outside. The staff there were surprised that I looked speechless, but it wasn't. Even I was surprised that I was so shocked that I had become speechless.

I liked Sapporo, where I spent daily life when I go to university. It was desirable place for skiing, bicycling, and jogging. There I felt freer because (prepared for heavy snow) sidewalks of the roads were wide enough. I had friends there, friends of my Christian faith, and friends who gave me the feeling of joy of volunteer activities. I hoped to stay longer either by continuing my academic work or finding job there. Actually, both idea was so unrealistic with miserable experiences of job hunting session. The only thing I could do was trouble organizers or job counselor for "ordinary" students. There I was introduced to public job center for the disabled. I had known that it was the only next realistic, if not effective enough, step to take. I didn't know the job counselor saw me as "out of question". School year ended without any productive turnout for me, and April came. I had no choice but to leave Sapporo and depend on my parents living in Sendai, at...

By the time I became 30, I had had master's degree in mathematics, and become familiar with English through English classes held by a church. I had spent university life in Sapporo for almost 10 years, with dropout of 1 and half years and with break of 1 and half years, due to mental breakdown. The last year I was in Sapporo, giving up doctoral course, I thought that I might be able to land a job if I do my best, for I had recovered from serious mental breakdown and dropout by doing my best. I attended several sessions. The first session is like a lecture from a job information service company. There I learned the need to learn the difference in business models even though two or more businesses apparently deal with similar products and look like rivals. I enjoyed listening, and I strengthened my confidence. It however was the only session I got away from silence and panics. The second session, many business attended for recruiting. Many students also came to communicate with...

Thinking of what to write, telling my life story may be good blog material. In the day I planned to start with the story of 8 years ago when I was 29 to 30, and I took a miserable start of job hunting as an adult with a developmental disability and great difficulty in communication. Tonight, however, I have prayer meeting, so I hope I can start tomorrow morning or evening.

I checked a few English media from Japan. I saw some articles of opinions. Some articles dealt with leaderships of business and maybe politics. Looking back on myself, where I stand is so much far behind that I've been thinking that I'm the last person to take leadership, even though the word leadership is so attractive. I'm often worried and even intimidated in daily small communications. Fortunately I've landed a job at the age of 35, and through 3 years of experience, I've barely become slightly confident of the most entry level of business communication, like answering a phone (although I made a terrible mistake 2 days ago) and make brief report of the work of the day. How to respond to leadership issues is a challenging matter, and I feel the people about to meet the standard is one million kilometers ahead of me. It's not realistic that I might fill the million kilometer gap in a few years, but if I'm positive, I'm willing to go at least a hu...

I set priority on regularity, daily update, for this blog this year. It's been almost 5 years since I began blogging. I began this blog to obtain the habit to write English articles daily. Shortly after I opened this blog, it became inactive, and it'd been inactive for a couple of years. I couldn't write regularly during this period because I couldn't think, unlike on my Japanese blog, that you need not worry even if your post isn't good enough. Surely I'm interested in how to write a blog which wins huge audience, and recently I sought articles which may well give good answer to this question. The methods to appeal to large audience may be worth mastering if I successfully learn how to blog regularly. However, if I don't enjoy writing regularly, there's no chance that I get a motivation to learn more attractive entries. The goal for this year is either of them; Updating this blog every day 500 posts for this year 5000 visits for all time ...

When I go to work I take notebooks with me. On one notebook, I take notes important to my daily work. I also take one to write freely. On it I take memo of ideas I come up with, sometimes write about what I'm learning now, writing down the feelings and emotion I feel when I write, and also sketches of people, automobiles, and trains. I especially like to draw automobiles I saw, I imagine, and in my memory. Ironically, I draw best sketch of a car or other thing when I'm stressed out, upset and restless. When I notice I've drawn fantastic sketch, it may be a warning sign that I need psychological treatment in the near future.

Recently I have strong desire to write down what I experienced when I was child and when I was school. Experiences varies before I enter elementary school, when in elementary school, when in junior high school, when in high school, and when in university. There are also various kinds of material. What I was strongly interested in, how I interacted with classmates and other people around me and how I failed to do, attitudes toward study and sports, and what effort I made to adjust to the environments I was in.

I made an mistake at work today. I need to manage my shaky temper. Sometimes I'm fine, but sometimes I feel depressed. Up and down come up periodically, like once I'm OK, then 15 minutes later, I feel as if I were going to die, then I'm OK after another 15 minutes later... It's been long fight with my temper since I began job training 8 years ago. At that time I learned stress coping. I knew something was wrong and I'm easily panicked just after I entered elementary school. It was over 30 years ago. When I became a teenager, my temper seemed to have become much better, and the problem seemed to have disappeared. Later I entered university, and I have to cope with the temper problem, and besides that I had to fight with the feeling of depression, feeling that I was socially left out. I manage to graduate, with a few years' delay of dropouts and rests. The fear that I was left out of society became real in job hunting. I couldn't say a word. I couldn...

Because of yesterday's skiing, I have sore muscles. This makes me feel week not only physically, but also mentally. This often affects my behaviors in church. In the beginning of worship service, I feel so dizzy that it's difficult to keep standing. Sore muscles can cause low mental state and affect my behaviors, so I have to be careful of the amount of exercise so as not to have terrible muscle pains and aches.

Today I went skiing. It was the 4th time for this season. I overslept and I road a bus later than usual. There were a lot of passengers on the bus. Most of them was going to the same destination I was going, but most of them were going for snowboarding rather than skiing. I skied freely for the first an hour, ant then take a lesson. I learned some weak points and overall level of my skiing. I was so motivated by this lesson that I went into bumps seven times, I had never planned to because I had thought skiing in bumps many times was so tiring.

When I make web pages, a lot of images are needed. Background images, illustrations, and decoration for headings. At work, I have access to no particular graphic tools, but office suite software. I looked for information about how to make pictures, and I found out auto shapes are unexpectedly useful. Since then almost all artworks of web pages I make are made with Excel. Looking for further information of Excel and Microsoft Office as a drawing tool, I found a picture contest made with the auto shape function of Microsoft Office. Some picture looked like  photographs, and some looked like paintings. If you have a PC with Microsoft Office but without particular drawing tool, the auto shape function of the applications can be used as an entrance tool to drawing and illustration tool.

That I understand and write English is like I have a hand. On the other hand most people, especially in businesses, ask what I have in my hand. I answer "I only have hands. I'm looking for something that may come in my hand". They would leave me not saying a word. Understanding a language is like you have a hand. What is in your hand is another issue. What am I going to have in my language hand? I'm on the way in search.

Flashbacks are real. I can press them behind and stay calm when they are small enough, but when they get larger, it's really difficult to stay calm. When I'm unaware of them and someone else notices and points them out, they, with anxieties, grow even bigger due to the stress that I've just become aware of them and because I basically hate and feel much stress when someone point out I'm not in good shape. I once tried to behave by denying I have flashbacks, but it didn't succeed. Knowing my flashback, which I need to admit that they are real, is the key for me to stay calm and behave as much as possible.

One reason why I've been critical of myself when I define myself as an adult with Asperger's Syndrome is that I've felt uncomfortable when I saw argument over bloggers, in which one party says "He/she's not Asperger's because his/her blog posts looks like he/she understands social skills and unwritten social codes". Through the experiences of bitterness over blogs in "Asperger's Syndrome" category, which I used to join, in a blog community, I've come to avoid the use of Asperger's Syndrome. I preferred the word 'Developmental Disorders' or 'High-functioning Autism', the category of which in the same blog community consisted of 'milder' blogs. Moreover, in some Internet forums, some people use the word "Asperger's" to deny personality of someone else or stigmatize them. It's a shame that the name of disability is being used to deny someone's personality. I'm now thinking about th...

I sometimes think that the claim that I have a developmental disorder and I need help may not be fair, because the communication problems I have are because of my personality, not because of a disability. This makes my view as an attendant in a meeting of young adults with developmental disorders. However, I've noticed that I can be sure that what I've experienced, how I got stuck in university life and job hunting, how I sought and received help, and how I joined the conversations with young adults with developmental disabilities.

When I feel down I sometimes feel that updating my blog is obligation. To cope with this problem, I visited a blog by popular blogger. He puts it that tips for continuing blogging daily is enjoying his life. How he enjoyed his life is a good material for his blog. In this respect, feeling running out of ideas for my blog is really the problem of running out of sense that I'm enjoying my life, at least I'm enjoying my character. When I began to write this blog, even though I struggled with my mental health problem, but at least I enjoyed writing, enjoying starting up a new thing, and enjoying my daily life in that I'm enjoying my character and happenings associated with my developmental disorder. If I wish to continue to this blog daily for the next year and next years, it's the key to enjoy my daily life, and happenings in my daily life, even if it be struggle or trouble because of my character.

Preparing for the coming workdays I spent minimum pastime skiing. I skied just for an hour before the trails become crowded. Skiing was an hour. The ride there and back was about four hours, in spite that the skiing area was the same city I live in.

I'm thinking my energy now is low, because I've put off even an easy pastime like playing video games. It seems to me that I don't have enough energy to enjoy skiing tomorrow. Is it really true? I may feel now reluctant to do anything but browsing trivia on the internet. My energy may be low at this moment, but this may not be the reason to do some activities tomorrow and prepare for them now. Doing nothing active because I feel my energy low can cause lower energy days later. Thus, it may be a good idea to plan to go skiing for tomorrow, in spite that my spirit is low now. Going skiing can be a good opportunity to raise my spirit.

It was chilly on Saturday, but milder than I expected considering the weather forecast I'd heard Friday evening and videos of frozen Niagara Fall from America. It was not so bad for taking for a walk to and from the clinic I go regularly, but the wind from the west was hard enough to chilling me and preventing me walking and jogging home in a good mood. I got lost for a few minutes at a few places, and the length I walked and jogged totally turned out to be 10.2km.

Tomorrow, I'm going to meet with my doctor. It'll be the first time in 40 days. I'm glad that my mental state is relatively stable for a month considering it's winter season and people tend to fall into depression. I hope I'll be mentally (and physically) healthy for the next month.

It was slippery when I got off the train from work at the station in a suburb area of Sendai. When I was going to work, the roads were wet because it had rained early in the morning. I was so surprised that I put up a big umbrella in spite the rain had become weak when I left home. It was really cold through the day and when I left my workplace, a few snowflakes was flying, but the road wasn't so icy in the central area of Sendai. After a train ride the situation changed. The platform and the road was so icy that I might slip and fall on the way home if I wasn't careful enough. Fortunately I arrived home safely, by walking carefully, standing squarely in each step. Weather forecast says that it'll be 4 degree Celsius below zero. I must be prepared and take actions to leave for work earlier than usual.

Thanks to good reading environment during commutation, skiing and other recreational ride, I finished reading a biography of Edison, Edison his Life and Inventions, by Frank Lewis Dyer within the year 2013. I'm looking forward to another exciting book, but before then, I'm inclined to turn the first page of the biography I've just read. I found out that the book has become more intriguing to me, who read through the book at the speed I've never experienced. The second reading began in that way, and even though I saw through pages as fast as I read previously, I even felt that passages are flowing to me, making me looking forward to the next passage and event. To be honest, I browsed and scanned word rather than reading carefully. Nevertheless it gave me strong impression to me and I become more interested in electrics and electromagnetics, looking for information about principles, how to deal with radio waves, circuits, role of each part, and formulas.

It was 20 minutes before I took up cleaning and self-enlightening tasks. I scanned about fifteen sheets of notes and scribbles, then I did part of lesson of Adobe Illustrator exercises (actually I didn't have the time to work on Illustrator). Until then I browsed web shopping site. It wasn't for looking for new products, but for assuring  how what I had bought is highly evaluated. This increases my satisfaction. And of course, writing and publishing this small article is one of the tasks for this morning.

I thought it was time to buy a new knit cap 5 minutes after I got of the bus from a skiing ground I frequently go. I couldn't find my knit cap although I searched into every pocket I could imagine. I had the cap on when I road on the bus, and on the bus I was so sleepy that I fell asleep for half an hour, and then I was about to get off the bus to go to a Chinese restaurant. When I was getting off I looked around my seat holding my ski set and baggage. Nothing seemed to be found and I thought everything was OK. After I noticed that I lost the cap, I entered the restaurant in a little disappointed mood. As soon as I got home, I telephoned to the city transportation office. An employee answered the call. I was nervous to start, but anyway I started to tell him about the bus I road. Next it was time to explain what I had lost. I struggled with explaining what the cap looks like. It was a soft cap with neither brim nor peak. The major part of it was gray and the edge was navy, and i...

Starbucks VIA coffee essence has been a great friend for my daily wake-up. A cup of cafe au lait, pouring the portion into hot milk tastes so nice that I'd like to have every morning. The price is its drawback. It costs almost up to a canned coffee for a cup. To save costs, I bought more reasonable soluble coffee. It wasn't so bad, but not so "awaking" as VIA. I looked up information about soluble coffee good for cafe au lait. I found how to make better cafe au lait with soluble coffee instead. First, pour milk into your mug cup, then pour spoonful of soluble coffee into the milk before you put it into your microwave oven. Add sugar if you like (I usually don't add sugar). Warm the milk with the soluble coffee (and sugar) on the top. (Of course you shouldn't put the spoon into the microwave open.) After warmed up, take the milk out of the microwave oven; the soluble coffee is likely to melt with its heat. Mix the hot milk and the coffee. The page says this...

Tomorrow is my first work day for the year. To get used to the habit to ride the commuter train in the morning, I road the train almost at the same time I usually go to work. Fortunately, it wasn't crowded. It was perfect place to read books, taking notes of what I come up with and have a cup of coffee. Although Starbucks was crowded and it wasn't no place for relax then, the train for return trip was exactly the place to relax as I might expect on Starbucks or other coffee shops.

In this season, when I go to skiing, I spend longer time with sitting and relaxing inside than skiing. When I rest, I often have canned coffee from a vending machine and read books. I wonder that it may be better time for reading, as well as when I'm commuting by train , than when I relax in my room. It's because when I go skiing or I go to work, there is plenty of idle time and reading is one of the best way to spend such time. When I'm in my room, browsing web pages on the Internet is a more enjoyable way to spend time.

I've never heard "A Happy Birthday", I've never heard "A Happy Christmas" either, but I often hear or see "A Happy New Year". I wish you happy new year.

New years holidays are perfect time to relax and have a rest. At the same time this time of year gives much anxieties for years. I guess this is because I tend to be extremely nervous before I begin something and it isn't until I take up the things and am certain that I can do or I'm doing well unexpectedly. Uncertainty may be source of an anxiety, and it is exactly the case for me; I feel huge anxiety in uncertainty. It is impossible to totally overcome this anxiety immediately by myself. I've been told that it's good to expect that God is willing to give good things. When I'm worried, it's extremely hard to keep myself calm, and I have no choice but shout and scream either silently or aloud now and then. In this moment I'm saying to myself that, "trust you, trust you" in anxiety that my heart in my mouth.

New year has just began. I'm being overwhelmed by the duties typical office worker has to do and the gap from what I think I can do now. I felt so when I went to church for new year's congregation. I was totally uneasy to go to the place where 20 to 30 people gather and few people know little about what I'm struggling with. I have difficulty in sitting and listen silently for even a half hour. I even hyperventilated a few times during the service. I did listen, but I couldn't help overreacting what the pastor said, for the message really came home to me. Sometimes I couldn't shouting (silently) that it's me this really apply for. In the end of service, I left limping making new years greeting with a few people. This year, I managed to be in the group photo. Taking group photo has been such a huge stress source that last year when I saw the slide of yearly events of the church, I didn't see myself at all, even though I remember I attended some of them. At t...