Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

My desire to do something is not likely to come back so easily. Since the middle of May, I have lost, and feel like sleeping as long as possible when I have time for leisure. It takes a lot of energy to begin something, even to play a video game.

Today I went to swimming, as usual on Saturday. Walking in the rain, I got to the pool 30 minutes later than usual. I didn't swim right after I got to the pool. Before I swam, I took 30 minutes for warmup. It was good for coping with my mental and physical tiredness, but still I need for exercise.

I don't remember very well about this month. However, it looks like I worked through pretty well. In late May and the entire June, I was too tired to have fun. I didn't even play a video game or a Touhou bullet hell shooter on PC. I hope that in the next month my condition will pick up a bit, enough to enjoy a little bit, and I hope for better weather and I'm able to go to cycling on weekend. Also Abylympics (the regional contest) awaits in 2 weeks. I have learned little about web page creating for months. It's time to remember how to code web pages.

I'm telling story about when I'm listening to a radio English conversation program. This 6-month course is composed of 15-minute everyday session and the monthly textbook. Topics vary by week. Vocabulary in each skit in each topic wasn't so difficult. I only had to learn a few words for each skit or each topic. The problem, which I have come to notice only recently, is that I'm able to easily understand a topic is one thing, but whether I'm able to choose a particular topic for a conversation is quite different. When I was listening to the programs, I meant to study English, but actually I hardly learned about conversation. I learned a lot of vocabulary and expression in the course, and it was a great help to prove "my English proficiency" in some English test. However I failed to acquire an attitude to gather potential topics from my daily experience and news I hear and see every day.

Today was a really hot day, compared to other days recently, in the rainy season. Quality of my sleep last night was unexpectedly low, which made me even easier to get tired.

I wrote 2 times more than I write here now. I was more energetic to write on behave of "aspies". I believed in fellowships of people with autistic spectrum disorders. By chance I looked back on my past blog posts 5 years ago. I made a little more grammatical errors than now, but much more energetic and hopeful when I learn a lot about web coding and commercial design in general. I tried to get inspiration and learn as much as possible from what I see every day for my design proficiency. I tried to learn from ads I see in Sendai station, pamphlets in front of the travel center there and so on. I also had energy and hope to do things around me. I then energetically scan documents of the past to help my room clean. One thing that makes my condition bad in 2014 is that I didn't know how to begin exercise when I feel weary. Sometimes I was so tired that it took pretty long time before I begin an action. Looks like I was sometimes saying to myself that I want to lie...

These days I'm often absent from peer groups I belong in. This group is for people with autistic spectrum disorders. Years ago, I liked it very much, because there I was able to share my thoughts and I got to awareness of myself by interacting with its members. No other place did have a chance to share the idea of how I had struggled at school, how I had failed to have self confidence and self assertion. One reason is my tiredness. There is probably another reason for my absence, for I'm able to go to work with no major problem, but when it comes to go to a session of the group, thinking of it even makes my body and mind heavy. There may be a hidden reason, and probably I feel a much greater mismatch to be in that group even than I'm in my workplace.

Recently I'm trying online laundry service. I have wanted to remove sweat from my business suits. I tried dry cleaning for several times, but 3 days later I got my suit being washed, I felt it already sweaty. Looks like I should choose laundry services specialized in wet cleaning of clothes which actually has a tag of dry cleaning. I ordered cleaning yesterday, and waiting for the sending kit. After it arrives, I put my clothes into it and send by a delivery service. If all go well, I will receive my suits cleaned in 10 days.

My past is one of the things I'm the mostly like to write about. I was thinking that, since I was always thinking about and obsessed with my past, it was so easy to continue to write about my post. However I noticed recently that I'm not always thinking about my past, and even when I am, the image of it is not always so clear as to put into writing pieces.

I was still sleepy in the day. Fortunately it was in a weekend and off duty, so really no problem. Still it's discouraging even if I sleep early before 10:00 a.m. these days and need even more sleep. Going to swim in the afternoon, I had enough exercise. I hope I'm going to feel the fullness of my sleep.

I got holiday today. I spent time on trains from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. From the restriction of the ticket, I couldn't check out, but being an a train is one of my favorite way to spend time - as long as I have a seat. My reading advance well especially on a train, to and from work, and during my free time.

When I entered university after one year of blank, I was far from mentally healthy, and I wasn't confident in my physical health either. I just waited for someone turning to me to offer to help. I didn't know how such an attitude looks rather miserable. I was not so highly motivated to study and learn, although I had knowledge that a university was a place to study and learn. Instead, I was flattered by the fact that I had passed through the entrance exams which was difficult to some degree. From the fact I felt privileged in a wrong way, and with no background. To be honest I was bored with making an effort in everything, mistakenly feeling I have had it enough! "I won a high mark and was in a relatively high place in English exam, so I must be proficient in English." This is of course not true. Especially proficiency in oral communication, and making friends. I had never even taken an English interview test. In this way, in May in the first year, I participa...

The objective was overcoming the fear of output, when I opened this blog in 2009. Surprisingly, it was from this blog that I posted something on the Web. I could have posted on some online BBS on websites on autism spectrum disorder written in Japanese, but I was so shy and so afraid of trolls that I shied away from doing so. I'm thinking that it may be time to review with respect to that initial objective. Have I overcome the fear of output? Have I overcome the fear to post something on the Internet. I'm questioning on myself.

I have done a lot for self control. Actually, the major part of blog posts was about stress coping. One thing I have found is that I have been too focused on mean people of the past or remote. This works against how much I would be able to enjoy my life. Are those mean people really here and now? Actually not. Then it would be better that I would think about people around me who care for me, and thinking whether I can do something a little better things for them? Another thing is I tend to waste my time in thinking what to write, when the productivity of my thought is the worst in the day. I often end up in cutting precious few hours for sleep. How did I know about 8 p.m is the time my brain work the least? Well other time of the day, I often come up with new idea, although most of them are trivial. As well as yesterday's jogging, the heaviest first step is often the problem. Once I begin to write, at least I come up with one thought after another. Of course composing my idea...

My first step, and my first two dashes got me this far in jogging! After supper I feel so heavy and tired that I feel as if I couldn't walk one more step outside (although still I walk some tens of steps indoors), so taking one step outside is the first and the most strongest barrier that prevent me from keeping the habit of jogging. I put my jogging shoes on, and now (just after 7 p.m. supper and one hour before I write this) I took one step outside home. This is one of the greatest success of today! However my mind was still too heavy really to begin jogging. In the first 5 minutes, I take baby steps and moving 500 meters, then dashed twice 250 meters in 190 steps. This was the second success! After that, I only had to do a cool down jogging to settle my heart and body temperature. When my body was beginning to fully cool down, I guess I had jogged more than 2 kilometers, perhaps more than 3. To be honest, the heat is still remaining on my body, but I hope this change of my ...

Millions words I guess I have heard and read. I guess an average native speaker has done hundreds and millions of words. How much I've spoken and I've written -output- was much fewer, perhaps less than one thousandth than I have heard or read -input- Then my next goal could be: 1000 minutes of recorded speech, that makes about 100,000 words. a million words written by me.

Last weekend was almost a wreck for me. Coming week will be another week. It's from a grace that I have a place to go to work on Monday and ever after.

In this rainy weather today two monthly clinic visits were too hard on me. I was panicked for a few times, but anyway I finished finally. I also shopped my underwear, had my hair cut, and went swimming. I started at 8:20 a.m. and returned home 5 p.m. According to weather forecast, rain will get even more stronger at night, so it was fortunate that I got home before the rain get much heavier. I had gotten pretty wet although I use umbrella almost any time I was walking outside. In the afternoon, although the rain didn't seem so strong, but it fell rather from the side, and umbrella didn't work well.

My condition is easily affected with tempers of people around me. I'm so tired that it takes long time to begin an action. Fortunately I haven't met mean people around me these days.

"If I don't lose hope, and if I can have a rest at night as long as I can, I will be able to continue my effort tomorrow." I'm saying to myself, in a persuading way. I'm regaining the habit of jogging, although I can't jog so long as I did before the half marathon just a month ago.

Yesterday I got an email of information about revision of Cisco certifications. I was very surprised, because I was thinking of taking CCNP exams and have studied for them a little bit. Now I'm thinking twice because of their expensive exam fees. I have passed CCNA, LPIC level 1 and 2, but those certifications have little to do with my job so far. I sometime think that if I weren't extremely shy, I would more assertive to do jobs such as IT help desks, infrastructure maintenance, or job related to cloud. Having studied about IT infrastructures to some extent, I find I kind of like this field too. I especially like to learn details of network protocols, data formats, messages, and procedures of them. At the same time I also think that I could study deeper about programming and designing, because although I may not be good at quick communication required for customer services, I'm relatively good at think deeper and more in detail. I owe great to my current workplace,...

Then why am I shy about stating that I like and enjoy a certain video game? If I redefine this blog primarily a letter to myself in the past and in the future? Giving a bit detailed information in order for a few people to know may be a good thing, but hasn't the obsession about detailed explanation prevented me from writing about what I enjoy? Now I have the Internet access and usually can know what the game is generally called in a certain language. Having said that, looking up take certain amount of energy and time and I guess it will continue to be a bit hard for me to tell about what game and how I enjoy, as well as about my outings and my studies.

I barely went out for jogging after supper. Before starting, I was really weary. I'm almost always weary when I have free time to go out for jogging. Once I'm able to start, my stamina last and it turns out that my condition is not so bad finally. The problem, the critical moment is always the first step, the energy to decide and prepare for going out. From May until the middle of June, my condition is typically this way. By the way, continuing blogging for years, I have found that posting entries for my blogs will be useful to myself some years later. I feel this especially in my personal Japanese blogs and blog post writing for my workplace. My past blog posts tell me what I did, how I did it, and what I felt about the event. This often help me thinking that I'm all right now, even though I feel tired and my situation these days may be a little bit tough, I got thorough even tougher situations and even severer mental depressions years ago. This point of view, howev...

In the morning I scanned some receipts. Outside is a bit rainy. Do I put up my umbrella when I start? Or carry my portable umbrella? Well I always carry my portable umbrella, so I just have to decide whether I put up my umbrella or not. Also, I use my two or three minutes to remove dusts on the books scattered on the cabinet near the desk.

Last week I had little time, energy, and spirit to do exercise. I think in the beginning of this week all of these are slightly picking up.

In the late afternoon the rain stopped and I brought my bike home from the shop. It had been under maintenance. This morning I had been giving up bringing it today, because the rain was likely to continue in the day and wasn't likely to stop until the evening. It was fortunate, because I had been worried about that since early in this week. In the morning I was really tired, and felt mild pain in my entire body. I had planned to swim before lunch but the tiredness and pain discouraged me from going out. Actually rain was pretty strong in the morning, that also discouraged me to a great extent. I ate lunch anyway, without swimming before. Then I put off my swimming plan to after 3 p.m. When I was about to start, the rain had already stopped. I checked the forecasts of clouds, and it wasn't likely to rain again, at least for the rest of the they. I changed my mind and decided to go to the bike shop. Why was I so worry about bringing my bike back? Unlike some people who carry...

It's already been rainy season, even here, in south Tohoku. I'm worried if I can bring my bike from the shop during this weekend. On the Saturday, it will be unlikely, because of a heavy rain on the day.

Regaining my exercise habit. Going out for exercise for a while first. As short as 2 minutes will be fine. The purpose of this action is to get accustomed with going out for exercise again, after I got too tired to go out other than work. Going out for an exercise gives me not so bad a feeling, if more than 3 days passed from when I first felt I was fatigued. The greatest problem is that taking the first action takes a lot of energy. Changing clothes appropriate for going outside. Once I get out the barrier of first action, it's a great chance for having good exercise and good feeling.

In the lunch time today, I stumbled twice before climbing the overpass walkway to the station. I was climbing two stairs at once, but my steps was a bit too short.

"If I don't have a bath now, it may take more than an hour before I'm ready to bath. I'm so tired that it takes plenty of energy to begin an action." I thought to myself, at 7:20 p.m. today. Usually I bathe around 7:30 p.m. If I don't begin to have a bath until 8:00 p.m., I may force inconvenience for my family, and not good for relationships with them. Today the temperature went up as high as the average of a regular summer in this area. It was not so uncomfortable than summer, because it was relatively dry. Weather forecasts tell that it may be going to rain tomorrow, and not only the possibility of weak rain, but also there may be possibility of a thunderstorm, or even a tornado. No such terrible thing may happen, but I may want to keep this in mind for tomorrow afternoon.

Last week I learned a lot from a blog by members of a job rehabilitation facility. I can use that simplest style of blogging. In some entries was written just a list of things the author did on that day, by time order. Like: (Note that here's my episode today, not the entry I viewed then) Today I woke up 5:30 a.m. I viewed a few game play videos before 6:30 a.m. Then I made Starbucks VIA coffee with milk. I cleaned my tumbler and the sink near the bathroom. My preparation for work was too slow to catch the train of 8:20 a.m. Well it was O.K. anyway, I  would be able to get to office still in time, taking the train of 8:35 a.m. Today was the first work in June, so I had to be especially careful when I enter my workplace. I was relieved, when I leave the office, after done the work for the day, that I hadn't encountered a major trouble for today's work. After work, I went to receive the shoes repaired, and took the train 15 minutes later than usual. After supper, ...

Overcoming selective mutism? Acquiring skills with which some teammates may be ready to work with, in spite of my selective mutism? I didn't have a choice to hide my autistic disorders, because job fair was one of the places where I froze and could not say a word. Every time I went to a job fair, I find myself at the rescue space, with help of the staff. Looked like I had been so panicked that I fainted. Therefore I didn't even have a chance to advance to a first step of job interviews. That was what I happened to 15 years ago, when I began to hunt a job. Besides, as I have told in this blog several times, I was obsessed with the poisonous thought that no one would want to talk with me. I was obsessed with another terrible thought; I would be panicked every day, rather than I would be successful in job procedure, even if I were successful to land a job. The efforts in overcoming and recovering from dropout and bad grade didn't helped me at all. It then even didn...

Before the annual maintenance of my bike I noticed that the tires had cracks. It took more than 2 hours to replace. I didn't have to give up from discouragement, because of the experience of wheel building last year. Last march, I was into building bike wheels; choosing rims, spokes, and nipples, the lacing spokes into the rims, and trued the wheels. It wasn't easy, but with that experience, I was able to have confidence in dealing with bike wheels, tires and various tire parts. Today I had planned to start in the morning, but I was so tired that I stayed at home until noon, and began minimum check and cleaning of my bike. Then I find cracks on my tires. Well, it may not affect today's ride, but I decided to give up the tires anyway, because I thought that they had already been deteriorated and not safe any more for rides for this year. The next time I can ride bike will be the next Saturday. Regretfully, the maintenance won't end in a day or two, but not before M...