Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Now I'm checking my blog post records. I've been updating this blog every day since the 20th October until now, the end of 2013. Updating everyday by writing something in foreign language has been a little bit hard work for me, and most articles during this period is nothing more than trivial things. I hope I'll be able to write something daily in the coming year too, and also hope I'll be able to write something more than trivial, something that give you information and more courage.

Basically, I go skiing by public transportation, for I don't have a car. Today I took a train, transferred to subway, and then transferred to bus. It takes more than one and half hours, and I'm on public transportation most of the time. As well as a half hour when I'm going to work, and twice as long, it's perfect time for reading on the way of skiing. Today I went my first skiing for this season, and I did enjoy skiing, and on the way to and back skiing, I also enjoyed reading of a biography of Edison. Reading speed was so fast for me as to advance about 20% of the book for today (I've only read less than 50% by 2 days ago since I began to read the book 2 months ago, and I couldn't tell the detail either even with such a slow pace), I didn't remember the details, but I'm so impressed by his hardworking as well as his inspiration. The remainder for the book is slightly less than 20%, so I hope I'll be able to read it through within the year 2013.

I plan to go out for skiing for tomorrow, December 30th. It is much later than past years in which my first skiing for the year is between December 7th to 15th, and by the end of year I had skied 3 to 4 times. Not only this is my first skiing for the season, it may have the meaning of rehabilitation of social activity as well as skiing itself. This decline of the pace of going skiing is firstly due to declining of my energy by aging, and due to the decline of my mental condition, struggling with coping with stresses of going to work and communicate with other people daily, and thirdly because, I've been feeling like giving up the vision to be active as a skiing instructor, being impossible to coping with mental health without lowering the priority of skiing activities. I even thought that giving up skiing altogether. It wasn't good idea in terms of stress coping. Skiing is a good way of recreation and have a good effect on my mind and body as long as I spare my physical a...

Weather forecasts say that a low pressure like a serpent (the cold front stretching to southwest surrounding Japan as if one) lies far northeast from Japan, and broad area of Japan may have heavy snow, especially the Japan Sea (western) side of northern Japan. Although my city lies in the Pacific (eastern) side of Tohoku (North East area of Japan), we, in a western suburb of the city, have already had much snow that requires snow shoveling. On Christmas, it was slightly "white" in our area in that we had snow a little bit, and a few days after Christmas, we have a lot of snow, which makes the holidays "super white".

In Japan, Christmas is not a holiday, so I went to work the days around Christmas. The Christmas trees in front of the central station disappeared after Christmas, but I saw the illusion of them. Today was the last day for the year, and I've been relieved that I was back without much trouble, although I was so tired that I sometimes limped while I hurried home. I wonder if I can sleep well tonight, for when I was back, the excitement I made today to sustain myself for the work won't wear off easily, even though I know now it's time I was able to relax. Even if I can't (I hope I can because with good sleep I can have quality holidays like going skiing), I need not to worry. Now I need not to be worried about the condition if it is good enough to go out and meet people. Now I'm getting used to the idea I'm also having holidays several days later than those who have holidays since Christmas, and can't help wishing them really happy holidays!

I can communicate in one language without being specially intelligent. Why can't I in two two languages in this way? In this way, the illusion was broken that I became specially intelligent because I mastered a foreign language. I've long been seeing in this illusion because in junior high school, high school, and entrance exams for collages or universities mastering  a foreign language was highly evaluated.

I'm not sure, but it may be due to my aging that I have sore eyes and knees most of this year. As to eyes, I'm careful not to go on working out over an hour without a rest. As to knees, take plenty of rest too and after recovered, acquire better logic to keep good posture longer by using muscle of my hip and abdomen.

I thought I have been burnt out. I went to church for the candle service this evening. I thought I was too tired to have a voice and sit still to sustain a candle lit. In fact I was allowed to sing carols energetically. I gave up the fuel myself. I gave up this evening keeping lighting myself. Lord allowed to light me up and gave also light to my worship voices.

It's been a half year since I bought Kindle Fire HD. With this, I read several books. I've been using default display setting, and feeling a little bit too bright. This is the main reason why I bought JINS PC glasses. With good eyesight, I hadn't had a habit to take glasses with me, and sometimes I forget the glasses. In short period of time, it's OK to read without the glasses, but when I took my Kindle without glasses, I hesitate to read books for fear of my eyes being tired. It wasn't until today that I tried the display setting of my Kindle. I changed the setting with background black, and letters white. Even though I don't have a habit to read a book with black paper with white ink, I felt that it's much gentler to my eyes than default setting with black letters, white background. I also made letters two points bigger. Since my reading speed is slow, with default letter size setting, I was often overwhelmed by the amount of letters, which prevent me...

I post blog updates daily for almost two months. I had made up my mind to write something in English daily. Most of the posts write about trivial things in my daily life and my mind so far. By the way, I often make blog posts at night after I take a bath. Even making the most trivial post, it takes some time, and it may cool my body excessively and cause me catch a cold. Times permitting, I hope I'll be able to finish my post before I bathe.

Today I used the document scanner that arrived on Monday for the first time. At first I put a sheet of paper in a wrong direction and it was stuck. I didn't know how to remove the stuck sheet until I read the manual which can be downloaded from the internet. Once I learned how to scan it takes only a few minutes to scan a notebook if it is properly cut into sheets of paper. I hope I will be able to scan and put out unnecessary document, and realize the dream of the clean desktop.

I'm relieved that I know I'm standing as tall as I've been. Is it because it snowed this morning, for I'm considered that I've been shrinking like snowman, or is it because it's Friday, since I'm considered that I've been worn out because of the workdays with more change than other time of the year? Anyway it's likely that I'm gonna be able to go to work standing as tall as I've ever been.

Batteries of some devices was running out. It takes time to charge them. I was worried about it. The batteries running out was of, my iPod nano 3rd, my kindle fire, and myself .

I've done a lot of work for a week, with a lot of flexibility, which, like other people with developmental disability, I'm not good at basically. Looked like I looked like so tired that I was on the way of shrinking by 1cm a day, and if I continued to work at that pace, I would melt away. I was said this at work. Even if I shrank at this pace, I would be able to exist nearly a half year, but I need plenty of rest and pace control if I want to continue to work long.

Yesterday, I told a story that I bought a USB memory drive, mounted it on the home wireless LAN access point and put it music so I can listen through my PlayStation 3 without turning on my PC. I also reported small inconveniences with the orders of tracks. It happened because there was a problem in transferring process, and I deleted the folders with the problem and copied them again from the first. Then I saw tracks in the right order. In this respect, the access point as a media server has a certain quality as a music player. At least it's better than playing tracks of PC with windows media player through the PS3; the tracks don't line up in the right order unless I prepare a playlist for a CD in the right order. Note that playlists made through WMP don't work if you copy them from your PC to your access point. You can also make a playlist within PS3. I tried to make one, but I couldn't. You can only add to a playlist in a PS3 musics within the machine. So I thoug...

Today a USB memory I had ordered Friday arrived. I lost no time to mount it to the wireless LAN access point. This access point can also be used as a DLNA server, so after I put music data in the access point with this storage, I can listen to music with my PlayStation 3 without my PC turning on. There is somewhat inconvenience in playing order, but playing music through my PS3 is convenient overall.

I've known the word tropical, but I didn't know the word temperate zone in spite I live in temperate zone. I was also surprising to know they have snow in Hawaii. It's been snowing outside in Sendai since yesterday. I would be excited if I were more in to skiing just as I was a year or more ago.

Yesterday, a USB sound device arrived. At first it was unstable. When I connected it first, the PC built-in sound turned off and it worked and played sound clearly. When I disconnected and connected it again, the built-in sound turned on again and the device seemed disappeared. I didn't know how to turn on the new sound device again. Minutes later, I learned to select sound device that turns on default, and selected new device. The new device began to make sound again, but right channel only. The sound itself seemed to be unstable too. I disconnected and connected a few times, and waited. It looked like it takes time to drive stably. I installed drivers from the attached CD. It seemed to work more stably. Finally, I installed the utility software to edit audio files. Later when I record from mini-disc radio cassette player, I found this utility useful. There may be a software like Audacity, with lots of useful functions, but this utility seems handy and powerful in that you...

I've continued to update this blog daily for over a month. In writing something and making it public daily, I've achieved the goal I set in this fall. I'm wondering if it's time to go to next step. I doubt that my posts have made any sense to anyone. To reflect on them, they are even short of record of my memory. I keep writing for the goal to make some sense to someone in the long run. Just as I'm doing in Japanese blog, I'm now to continue to keep records that'll make sense at least to future myself, who I hope think and experience a lot more than now.

Today on the train home, I was so tired that I couldn't keep standing. When I got off at the station near home and began to walk, I felt released. Interestingly, I feel more tired standing still than walking or even jogging, in a same period of time. I wonder if there are many people who prefer walking to standing still.

I built a speaker set and played jazz and pop music through media server on PS3 driven by a digital amp. When I walk up and I made cafe au lait downstairs, I felt as if I was in a cafe. The piled dust brought reality of my messy room. Why don't I clean up dust at every corner of my room day by day and feel more and more like cafe?

When I learned English, I've sought excelling someone else who was also learning English. I sought great pleasure by winning higher certificate or mark of English Exams. I'm thinking this would be nonsense if I'm learning language seeking more communication and more friends. Today when I was on the train home I was reading a book by Dale Carnegie, and I read  "If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you"  I may have been learning English in a way I might have make enemies. As you see in my posts, the attempt that I excel someone else at English doesn't look like successful. If I really want to learn English and live fruitful life through the language I learn, I thought, "why don't I begin with acknowledge someone else excelling me at English".  

The speaker kit and digital amplifier arrived. Although I kind of struggled with attach speaker units to faston terminals and fixing the units with bolts into enclosures. Since it's night now and I can't turn up volume, I can't fully evaluate the speakers' performance, but it's to be seen for the weekend.

I have never had a mobile phone, because so far, I haven't have much need to much phone calls. I call 10 times a month at most, and in most cases, I use a telephon booth. I haven't care much about topics about mobile phones, and I was suprised when I knew that smart phones have been spread so much that you have only limited choices when you want to have an ordinary mobile phone. When I begin to feel the need of mobile phone, and still care much about expence, what choice will I take? And when? I guess I may do without a mobile phone for a few years, but I'm wonderling.

Today I went to my doctor and spoke about things for one month. I made relatively big purchases last month. I experienced huge mental earthquake last week and barely went to work with (although almost inner one) repeated scream. I finally completed my work successfully and happy enough to see the client's smile. I also talked about the analysis why the communications in the middle of this week went wrong; it was firstly because I didn't know how to effectively report of an impended task, secondly because I lacked the sense of responsibility to complete my work as a main engineer, and thirdly because when I'm liable to shrink so greatly when I was rebuked that I even lose voice and standard and sometimes basic communication skill, with limping posture, which would make matters much worse. Doctor said "Take it easy." He was right in that all I want and need is learn to take it easy, and this need comprise, if not all, major part of my characteristic, so call...

Since I bought PC then bought a pair of audio speakers, the urge of extra pair of speakers aroze. I'm totally satisfied with new PC speaker pair, but my TV and video games are placed on the opposite corner of the room, and I also wanted better sound for them. It's not good idea that I spend more than I've spent on the PC speakers, since I also have a plan to buy a document scanner to clean up paper documents and notes and sketches I've written and drown for years. I can spend only as much as I spent on the PC speakers. First I've planned to buy a bluetooth speaker set, and suddenly I came up with the second plan. Make a pair by DIY. I may buy speaker units and enclosure kits, and built them by myself. I'm not sure which plan will give me more pleasure, but I felt it amazing that there may be a choice to get better sound at lower cost by DIY.

Finally I've been safely back from work today, in spite of yesterday's mental breakdown. I'm grateful that I can continue to work tomorrow.

I at 70% understood what was happening. The other 30% part of me hit me hard inside rather than my boss rebuked for my incomplete report. I had no choice but to halt and freeze. This request I guess was far over my capacity to cope with matters and stresses. It's not me who had the power to mess all up, but rather I just let the real gravity working on us work as it as, with shortage of effort to sustain my body upright. Huge gravity also worked in my mind. This huge power of combination of gravity worked on me 80% mentally, 15% physically on myself, and I barely managed to control as low as 5 % of all the power of panic that I ended up in putting out resulted in for my co-workers feeling uncomfortable, because my behavior went much shaky as to limp and lean every door, wall table and chair. Additionally because it took fatal an extra hour to give substantial respond to my boss's inquiry who had to manage a task with deadline for tommrrow afternoon. With all my effort, a...

Today I received a reply for an article of my Japanese blog about jumping rope I had written nearly 4 years ago. At the beginning of 2010, I wrote that article to show how strangely I had done with my jumping rope and how I had improved my jumping rope, with animations. The year I entered elementary school, pupils had to do jumping rope in gymnastic classes. I couldn't jump even once. Later I noticed that I could use wrists to rotate the rope. Until then, I turned the rope by moving my arms much up and down, and jumped with huge landing noise. After I noticed the tip for jumping rope, I became good at jumping rope.

Shortly after I bought new PC, I also bought a pair of active speakers. The size and the quality of sound was just for me. This speaker system made me want to listen to more music, so I registered to rent CDs for the first time since I came to Sendai city 8 years ago.

I installed several server software packages on my old PC I've just installed PC. I managed to share files via the LAN, and I've also made sure that a web server is running. I also tried to install PS3 media server, but wasted a lot of time without seeing running the server through PS3. Some configuration may be missed. I could continue to work on this problem but it may cause much fatigue that may affect my work for this week, so I decided to give up and focused on the thought that my old PC was really good material for experiments of PC, server, and network, and I'm now just a beginner, it takes time to get used to confugure many complicated network and server features, so it's time that I saved energy for work for this week and month and further growth as a PC user and administrator.

I'm saying hello through my old pc, which Windows XP used to be installed in until a half day ago, now with ubuntu. Installation process took hours (especially it took over an hour to obtain an tolerable connection speed to the Internet by disabling configuration about ipv6) and a little bit far from satisfaction (my current version is neither latest nor long-supported version, some auto-run program perhaps could be delited to use this PC comfortable but I'm not sure how, and several application should be installed to be in practical use).

Anxiety - bad atmosphere - stress - anxiety... a vicious circle. To break this I try to amplify positive messages like gratuities or admirations. When I'm being stressed out I tend to "hear" screams from my mind as if I wanted to hit, beat, and even try to kill myself. Although I know this obsession is false, I have to fight against these delusions daily. To defeat these, I need to be equipped with positive self images.

A half year ago I bought a business bag. The belt was broken in two months. I swaped one from my old bag. It was much stronger. Today this belt was broken too. I bought new one. Is the belt the bottleneck of a bussiness bag?

To enhance account security, I've taken up changing password encording rules. I tried this a few years ago, when I acquired an account of a virtual private server. The attempt however failed because the encoding rules are too complicated. I simplified the rules and am trying again. The passwords of all account services should be set according to new rules by next April.

24 hours after the incident, I recovered the sense that gravity is working in the right direction. I tried to behave, but it was thanks to my co-worker's understanding and consideration because I recovered without screaming in the workplace. Having said that, working hours feeling gravity in the wrong direction has made me really tired. Today, I hope I'm gonna going to bed in the right side and tomorrow'll I wake up in the right side too.

It's anxiety that really trying to kill me. What happens in my mind is likely to happen not only me. It takes time to calm down.

I don't talk much about today's event, but I strongly felt and learnd that human beings are more driven by emotion rather than facts. I watch out my behaviors and words keeping this deep in mind.

The new PC I ordered came without recovery media. I could order recovery media too, but having read the information that you can make recovery media later, I didn't. The first Sunday after the PC arrived, I tried to make recovery media, but it was full of trouble. Recovery data require 3 DVD-R media. I burned one of 3 disc in as long as around an hour. I was burning the second while I had supper. The second one came up with an error. Even though the first one burnt succefully, to the inconvinience of the utility, I had to burn from the first. Now I'm burning the "second" first thisk (if successful, I'll have two volume one disc of recovery). I hope it'll be successful until the end. If you order a PC without recovery media, you might want to think of the work to burn them yourself. You may have the risk of times of retries and waste of several discs.

My new PC is on its setup and will be in full opearation for the next month, installing a few softwares including Adobe Illustrator CS6. I plan to remove Windows XP from my old PC when I retrieve essential document from it. There is a problem importing mdi files I made in my old PC to the new one, and another problem to import iTunes library especially PodCasts.

My preference of coffee has been changed through years and time of the year. When I began to have coffee as a teenager, it always came with milk and suger. Later I enterd university and bought a coffee maker. Then for the first time I realized how nice black coffee tastes. Since then I preffered dripped black coffee. For some time I had canned coffees for wakeup purpose, but I couldn't fully feel the taste of coffee. I was just tricked by the labels which appeals as if it were premium coffee, with premium beans. It wasn't until I came to Sendai when I was 30 that I was into Starbucks coffee. I knew Starbucks was coffee shop before when I was in university, because Starbucks was sometimes a hangout of English class friends, but I thought it was a shop of "arranged" coffee like "cafe mocha", and hadn't even try to order simple drip coffee. When I first ordered a cup of drip coffee at Starbucks, I loved it immediately. Simple drip coffees have been my f...

My new PC arrived yesterday. I bought this because my old one, with which I'm writing this, running Windows XP, an OS whose end of support for less than a half year is publicly announced. Meanwhile, I have no plan to dispose of my old one for next few years. After the end of support of Windows XP, I'm thinking of installing ubuntu into it. I've already made a boot disc, and booted it for a trial. Except for the access speed of DVD drive because of the boot without installing the hard drive, response speed was good, and I could access to my external hard drive. Later, I even made some Japanese input and updated my blog in Japanese. Now, I'm back to Windows XP, the main OS of this PC, because for some reason, Internet access speed was too slow. I wonder why this problem happens. Can't that OS drive fully wireless network support? Is it just because I haven't installed yet? The answer is to be seen, but if I find the wireless network access fast enough, then there...

Finally new PC arrived. 2 days ahead of schedule. I set it up and installed some games and a browser. Tomorrow I have to get up early for a volunteer activity, so I suspended the set up and now I'm typing this article via my old PC.

5 years ago, I bought an all-in-one printer. First three years, I enjoyed the printer function and try to use scanner function. As for printing, ink soon became unusable and had to replace every time. The total ink replacing cost exceed the price of printer itself. I also tried to utilize scanner function, but scan was so slow and with flat bed mechanism, paper feeds are so inconvenient that I was frustrated and gradually I quit using scanner function and shifted to take photos of the documents, which saves time a little bit. Now scanning a lot of my drawing and documents handed out in meetings I go is my first priority, and saving space is as high, higher than printing needs. Actually I seldom find needs of printing these days. All things considered, I decided to give up my all-in-one printer and get a new document scanner.

Doing a little bit job on the Web and no one around me has substantial knowledge on the Internet and basic network backgrounds, I have to be one who have good knowledge about them. I have a few national certificates which shows backgrounds of basic knowledge on information technologies, but this just means in years ago I answered very well to question about them, and doesn't necessarily mean that I can explain basic knowledge of network technologies with a certain exactness, nor can I very well organize the plan to operate even a small system in a small company. To resolve these problems I thought that I should be able to explain the roles of each part of applications and devices we frequently use to connect the internet, the browser, the server software, the network adapter card, the TCP/IP socket, etc. I'm thinking of making up a story, comparing a PC with network applications to an office who have the need to connect somewhere in the Internet. In this story there will ...

I plan to get up early next morning for an appointment with my counselor. The support center for people with developmental disorders is in operation by fewer people and the increasing needs for counsels or consultations make the counselors, social workers busier than before. It may be good for me to talk about my life recently before I'm tired with my daily work, but this may be another reason for my appointment is pot into in the morning.

Today I limited my morning jogging to 2.5 kilometers, in order to prepare for good start for the first work day of the week. Usually I tend to extend my jogging seeking for more training effects or consuming calories.

Now I'm satisfied with sound from my PC and from PlayStation 3 through TV speakers. When I was in high school, hi-fi sound system looked cool although I didn't have particularly favorite genres or artists. I though just having hi-fi audio system would give me the feeling as if my status went up. At that time the music I listened to most frequently was game musics. Even though I could listen to these music, this didn't made me cool any more. Soon I lost interest in hi-fi audio and thought sound from radio-cassette players was fair enough. Now I'm afford to a little on audio, so I'm thinking that daily life with a little bit more hi-fi sound isn't so bad, even though even now my favorite musics are still basically originate from video or PC games.

I go to see my doctor once to twice a month, basically on Saturday, when I'm off-duty and the clinic is open. Since next Saturday is a holiday and the clinic will be closed, I had to bring forward the schedule to see my doctor, and today I went to the clinic. It was warm for this time of the year and it found out to be quite a good excursion to walk from the station nearest to the clinic, to the clinic (about 1 km) to the center of the city (about 3.5km), then took train home.

Yesterday when I came home from work I was so tired that I could lie on the bed for an hour before supper, and actually I did for a quoter. Today I had as much trouble as yesterday, but I need not rest before supper after I came home. Is this an effect of weekend? To be sure I need not preserve my energy for the work tomorrow.

Working on a PC trouble at work, I've became so weary that I limped home from the station. On the way home I'm listening to CBS podcast while reading the biography of Edison. Fatigue prevented me from remembering details, but deeply sunk in the sea of English language with weary mind and body, I was vaguely aware that after all I understand English just a little bit.

I plan to clean the dust at the corner of my room, covering containers and cords like snow. I've let it be for as long as years.

Smooth operation of the laptop and fast connection to the Internet is essential to my daily work. I felt this even more when I experienced the trouble on the laptop on today's work. The Internet browser and other applications had terrible response. When I inspected the processes, I found that "svchost.exe" occupied all the use of the CPU. This trouble, reported around October, is said to be more likely to happen the machine with Windows XP and relatively low-spec CPU. I hope the trouble will be fixed before long, even though Windows XP's life cycle may end in a half year.

Today I visited the website of city developmental support center. In this center, monthly meeting is held by young adults with developmental disabilities. The meeting group provides us with an opportunities to share views from those with developmental disabilities. Some participants have had hard times during they were in school and on the job, and need a place to share the feeling that "not only we (and our personality) are the problem, but lack of understanding us make the problem even worse". Sharing views by saying my opinions and listening to others' was quite an experience, which enhanced me the feeling that even though we are more likely to be involved in trouble with people and society, we are still able to provide society with our views and abilities, and which has help me with enhance self-confidence too. Now busy with daily work, and having a job gaining the feeling that even it may be humble, I can be of help and play a certain role as an employee and in a...

To set to sleep, I browsed for BGM video through YouTube with my PS3. Hits some game BGMs of Dragon Quest or Final Fantasy. Is battle musics for video these role playing games good for sleep music? I'm not sure, for battle musics are more exciting than relaxing, but these musics are surely my favorite.

I've just ordered a laptop PC. It may take a week or two to arrive. I'm planning to install Microsoft Office 2013 (with PowerPoint; which my current PC isn't installed). I'm also considering to buy Adobe Illustrator, much the same price tag as the PC I've just ordered.

For better behavior in daily life and at work, and especially for me with developmental disability and liable to fall into mental disorder of more or less serious, checking my mental condition is very important. To do this more effectively, I'm thinking of updating the checklist of my mental condition. Can I easily walk or run to the convenience store 550 meters away? Don't you have an anxiety about neighbors? Can you say your greeting smoothly, without stumbling or strange posture? Here I named some items for a checklist draft. I plan to share information of the checklist and improve the checklist with co-workers at my workplace. The most important goal however is spend better time in my workplace. The idea of creating list is to realize whether my mental condition is good enough to make up working environment as a member of the workplace.

I'm moving document files from my laptop to an external hard drive, preparing to buy a new one. Even though my current laptop, with Windows XP, becoming out of date, giving up all data and application installed on it, and plunge into buying a new one takes a lot of courage. To make a smooth decision, I hope my mental state will become in better shape.

Both ends of my lips are sore. I haven't been fully recovered from the cold and the fatigue of daily work. I hope I'll relax at least tomorrow, Sunday.

Having said that tics have been the sign of improvement, I also know that such behaviors have much negative impacts to my co-workers as well as self image of myself. It is wise not to dare to bump into the source of stress, and weather unavoidable stresses in the working environment.

This week I struggled with tics at work and at home. I wonder why because I don't think that the stress has been increased. After a few minutes of thought I came up with the idea that tics has replaced with panics, although tics may look pretty ugly and may be tough to myself, thus these tics are quite a sign of improvement. I sometime imagine how it would be nice if I could live a stress-free life and one free from reactions to stresses like panics and tics. But now it's time to appreciate myself that my reaction to stresses has been much improved.

I'm cleaning up my computer files, preparing for buying a new one. I set the dead line the end of this year.

2 weeks ago I caught cold by staying up late trying to write down what I felt for a long time in a low temperature. To avoid the same mistake, I need to sleep early, after posting an article as quickly as possible rather than thinking long to come up with a better article.

When I was absent from high school for a few months because of mental disorders, I bought a picture book of retro and nostalgic cars. It is full of photos and articles of Japanese cars in around between 50s to 70s (at that time it was early 90s, and the book deals with cars 20years to 40 years before). This book, as well as video games such as Dragon Quest or Final Fantasy , gave me comfort when I spent hard time. It reminded me of my childhood, when the cars on the book was actually frequently seen on the road (some cars were old enough to have been nostalgic already by the time I was born). I'm surprised how fast time flies when I know it's been 20 years since I bought the picture book, and even brand-new cars at that time , some taken as comparisons in the book, are being categorized as nostalgic.

I jogged and walked 1.7 kilometers in the morning. Considering the amount I did past a few years I could have done more, but overwork can cause me having cold again. Little by little and as many times possible, watching for mental fatigue is the key to recovering jogging/walking habit.

Since I was a child, I like cars. My parents said that every car they pointed at I could answer its name. I also liked to read car catalogs and buyers guides. I was good at memorizing specs of every car on them. However, when it comes to imagine myself driving, I thought twice. Although I like cars, I imagined that moving the 1-ton lamp of iron at as high speed as 50 to 100 kph was something magical. I was also fear of the fear of the serious and tragic results of traffic accidents. I even imagined that when I grew up and whenever I drive a car I would be involved in a traffic accident. I thought myself as so careless. This unreasonable fear last even after I managed to obtain driving license, and know the reality of driving car on an actual road. With no impended need for driving and taking the risk of driving too seriously, even now I like to enjoy driving only by drawing and viewing cars passing by and of the photo on an magazine, a book or a catalog. Does the time come wh...

When I'm too worried to go out easily, or say a word to someone else, I take deep breath and write (draw) big letters on my note book. The letters are so big that whole page of the page are a few words. I also draw big circles, squares sometimes later become persons or cars or other drawing.

Playing a shooting game before going to sleep may prevent me from good sleep. It excite me a lot even at a moderate level. It may be good to listening to relaxing music before sleep. But the music genre I like the best is the game music, especially those of video games I played when I was elementary school and was a teenager, with chip tunes. They are nostalgic, and there may be a choice that is suitable for the time before sleep.

I made a start with annual tax  adjustment form. There are many to fill in. I also have to prepare a few attachments, insurance receipts and a copy of disability certificate. I was almost overwhelmed when I saw many blank to fill in, but at least I was able to write my name and address easily (although when I was asked to say I'm more likely to stumble) and I did begin with these two things. I succeeded in focus on the form and wipe out my anxiety.

Today it was a beautiful autumn day, although it was a little bit too cold. I made an excursion home from the mental clinic to which I had road a train 4 stations. There were blue sky and leaves  of trees in a temple turning yellow, orange, red. I walked at the pace of 1373 steps (13minutes) per kilometer. For the first 5 kilometers I felt so good that I could walk home and further. By the time I arrived at a hair salon where I dropped on at and had my hair cut, a couple of kilometers away from home, I ran out of energy and felt weary, although, I remember just now, I was still able to bend knees easily. When I walk or jog really a long distance, like a half marathon, I become too tired to bend knees, even have a difficulty with sitting ... my legs becoming namely "sticks".

Today at work, I planned to control the pace of my work to avoid trouble from my temper largely due to overwork, because our supervisor was out for short visits for a few hours and had to let the workspace run with minimum employees. First two hours, I was mentally stable, but suddenly I felt too uneasy to respond to my colleague's question, and to tell necessary subjects from not, even a simplest subject which  wasn't obviously needed, one I could have told at once it was not what we wanted. It was not until a quarter hour that I perceived I was becoming shaky. When I was out for short break, my mind began to scream repeatedly, if heard someone may call me insane (actually I see psychiatrist once or twice a month). Siren man away for 10 days were reviving and taking over my personality as a silent man. Fortunately this time, the silent man won. The siren man left my personality in another two hours. Daily struggle in work and life of a man with mental weakness from a...

On a train I was reading Bible verses around 1 Corinthians chapter 4 and wasn't sure what the word "spectacle" means. I looked up a dictionary but I still wasn't sure. Instead I found a phrase "make a spectacle of oneself". I flashed back to the first year I entered elementary school. In a classroom, I was crying and screaming like a thing "If you don't want me to be here, I might as well as disappear." Teacher said "He (I) is just making a spectacle of himself. Just don't care and ignore him." Later, by the time I became a young-adult, I had come to have a self-image that "I tend to make a spectacle of myself when I felt lonely and wanted to draw attention." I didn't know even after I enter university how to start communication if I wanted to find a friend. People who I called friends was really carers and helpers brought me out of loneliness though the trouble I caused when I was at a loss in a new situation or...

Since about a week ago, I've made up my mind that update this blog every day at least for a month. This is one example of persistence in a thing everyone can do once or two times, which I've learned from what a mail from a board member puts. I was just writing about it, rather in a negative way, that I've been struggled with doing things ordinary people can do easily, and sometimes I barely acquire the skill to do it over a lot of trial-and-errors. I originally thought that my article be posted more negative and tragic manner to draw attentions. When I'm stuck, I looked at my Japanese blog and then a list of entries by my fellow bloggers. She makes it a rule that she say only positive things, that is, she tries to see things she experiences in positive respects. She introduced us one bible verse, Let no corrupting talk com out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.(Ephesians 4:2...

I'm coming down with cold. Pain and stiffness and weariness of my entire body, although I has less cough, has become severer than yesterday. I had to give up participating in a session of city-held meeting for young-adults with developmental disabilities. I has been looking forward to listening to the views of participants some of which are quite unique. Giving up in the 10km road race in Kakuda (a city in the South of Miyagi) should be taken into consideration, at this pace of recovery and shortage of training before I catch cold. If I rest as long as possible instead of engaging in other leisure activities there is still a large hope to be better and continue to go to work.

My cold made my coffee bitterer. Being in good shape make daily coffee tastier, especially with enough sleep, although a cup of coffee have the effect of awakening.

When I thought about and began to write about experiences when I was elementary school, in which I met difficulty in meeting the requirements from teachers and other children and which I guess well describe what difficulty I'm likely to meet in my daily living, I noticed that I have small vocabulary on daily life in a elementary school. I guess it's because I didn't learning English when I was in elementary school. I realized the need of boost of vocabulary related with daily lives in elementary school. Webpages like this ( http://web-japan.org/kidsweb/explore/schools/q9.html ) will help explaining what my elementary school was like.

My boss told that it's very important never to quit all the time as far as possible, when you find yourself feel bad, sick, or weak. When I feel good, I feel that my body and brain work as powerful as if I could work out with difficult mathematics theory, and when I feel bad, I feel so weak that I find myself being in difficulty with understanding and pronouncing the most simple words at a proper speed. I've been lucky enough to succeed to continue going to work since I landed my current job 35 months ago. Through this period I experienced many times I felt so bad that I couldn't help uttering to myself irrelevant words and rocking and rolling and shaking my arms and legs many times, but it was really fortunate that all these hard times happened not to reach the collapse as serious as I have to give up. As going to work when I feel week and not smart is very important, so may continue my blog post daily be.

I cleaned several plastic bags in my room. There are still books and other things untidily laid on the floor and in the pile of cardboard boxes. By the way I thought people call a container bag only when it has handles on its top. I knew any flexible container with opening on the top can be called a bag for the first time.

At that time I thought I was too tired to put anything in even a word. All what I could let someone listen was just humming from my lips and incessant noises of my micro steps when I arrive at the chapel for the bible-study and prayer meeting. When the prayers ended even I was surprised that I put my entire prayer into words which the pastor and I understood (in my native Japanese language). I wonder how many word I can come up with for the rest of the day. It's after half past 9 PM when I'm being set for sleep.

I've just begun to ask 5W1H question (to myself) when listening to podcast radio news at the age reaching 40, just like Edison (I heard through his biography) went on asking people why when he was a child. I've come to think that it's time I read an biography of him, and ordered one to deliver to my kindle.

Since I was in university, I had read the discussion on the sits about developmental disabilities and gotten a feeling of bond when participants wrote about the experiences of difficulties they felt. I thought these experiences were similar to ones in my childhood. In elementary school I intended and tried to be a good boy. Every morning I set out for school, I made up my mind that maybe today I "behave" perfectly, and "show high performance in classes", ending up in the end of that day I found myself cried many times, for being scolded or bumping into troubles. At that times I didn't really have an exact idea of what to behave is like. I thought that standing straight with all my strength may be related to behaving well. I meant to stand straight with all my power, and the teacher says "no one here stands straight". I meant to do it with all my best! Twenty years later, I suddenly got an idea. I was thinking almost only about better ski...

When I write a blog in Japanese, I write as often as possible when something I want to tell is in mind. Whether it's right or not is, although it may be important, the second thing coming into consideration. I also care about whether what I'm going to tell is not going to heart someone. Writing mainly about the "fact" about what happen inside me I think have low risk of hurting someone else. Not judging what happened, but just telling what happened inside.

I've been mentally out of shape for a month because of the stress before and after an English test. I didn't care much about my English proficiency. This wasn't quite a problem for my daily life. The thing I was really worried about was the testing situation. The regulation of the test was too specific for a person with mental illness (even though good enough to go to work every day with some medication and mental support). When the test ended I lay on the desk, and when I was set to leave, the test room was empty. Five minutes had passed since dismissed and all the examinees had already left. I thought I could recover in a week if I took enough left. It really took a month to recover as not to babble often "I'm going to die". Anyway the long period it takes for me to recover from strong daily stress is nothing new. Now I just think I'm glad I'm likely to survived this time too.

My English proficiency is below of the second priority. Now I focus on reading excellent English with kindle, letting lines and pages flowing into me.

Making speech at a meeting as well as giving self introduction and attending job interviews has given me so much pressure that I sometimes became faint on the train home. Today's session was no exception. Since all discussion went well and the meeting ended without causing me any panic, I thought I could go home without any trouble. Finally I barely went back home safely, but on the train it was really difficult for me to keep standing sane, affected with the fatigue I couldn't feel when 20 minutes ago when I left the office. All the struggle before and after today's meeting being that way, I still felt my progress in adjusting to an elementary business meeting. If job counselors who knows me on the job hunting 3 to 5 years ago knew today's episode, they would be surprised. They knew me who whenever I went to job interviews I went to wreck and on homeward commuter train I even fell on the floor from panic or hyperventilation. Today I barely stood on the train, ev...

I was so stressed out this week, I couldn't almost say a word when I went home in the weekend. On Saturday the most time in the day I lay on the bed. I didn't even want to eat out for lunch. By the way either on weekdays or on weekend I often reflect on myself. Sometimes 3 hours a day, when going to work on the train and while walking. Discovering new aspect of myself is exciting to me, but this morning I suddenly heard the voice "how many hours do you spend hours to think of someone else?" I found that the answer was no more than a half hour a day. And so short hours did I spent thinking of God and Lord. Thinking too long hours of my sinful nature make me even more miserable and I have even indulged myself in the miserable self image and in most hours turn my face away from Lord and his love. (As grown up as a Japanese, the concept love in the the sense that being close always embarrass me a lot) Someone saying me that I need not be miserable as if I have no ch...

I sometimes feel uneasy when I can't tell anything interesting recently for example because I need to sleep as long as possible before and after work and other daily duties. I noticed that this uneasiness comes from the mentality that I have no news but still I want a response from people around me. This caused my misbehavior like I resort to panic to draw attention when I was in elementary school, and I feel uncomfortable someone draw attention for an honor like a prize or for their good behavior. To improve my behavior and feelings, I need to understand this tendency of feeling and relief this uneasiness otherwise than trying to drawing an attention in misbehaving way, like concentrating on my current work or reflecting more deeply on my feeling and my real need to resolve this uneasiness.

I'm easily get panicked, many times a week, for many reason. With help of advisers from a support organization, and supporting staff in my workplace, my panic tendency has been much improved. One rule to prevent my panic is not to cram too much with my to-do list. The first job I needed to was to set it the first priority to do my daily work in good mental and physical shape, with pleasant greetings. I had to put training to be an IT professional after that, lower than the second priority.  I think I have a lot to do for a professional web developer or a network engineer. To list up these, it may take hundreds of hours to acquire the skill enough to serve as a professional. On the other hand, even if I do little for these goals, I can go on my current work. If I lost mental and physical shape, I can't. Therefore, may it be quite an entry-level management, when I felt a symptom of panic or anxiety, I list up the least to continue the daily duties, and it's not until ...

Today, the end of rainy season this year is declared in the Tohoku region, the northeastern area of Japan. While the southeastern area where rainy season has ended 1 month earlier suffered severe heat of summer, temperature often reported over 35C (95F), the Tohoku region, especially around Sendai has been very cold, max temperature of the day below 25C (77F). Of course hot weather is severe condition with higher risk of heat attack, but cold weather may not be so "mild". Many people tend to catch cold, and my mental and physical condition tend to be much lower in cold weather in summer than hot. In four days, it'll be autumn in the calendar. The level crossing near the home flew dragonflies, omen of autumn, and the end of summer of as short as four days long. Even though it be autumn in the calender, the heat of summer lasts for weeks, and in the Tohoku region, the heat of late summer is longer than that of "regular" summer, so we need to continue...

I thought I could be more "social" on the Internet. I could post more daily events to social site like facebook and twitter. I limit the amount of the participation to the internet for mental and physical reason. Yesterday I saw the news that reports increasing number of young adults suffer from "Internet Addiction". Some people can't help playing online games and total play hours amount up to 10 hours. Some people become impatient when they are offline. To be more social on the internet is not the time we are online, but we could consider of friends offline even if we can meet them only online.

Many self enlightenment advices I read or was told says the key to success is to work or serve for other people's satisfaction and happiness. To practice this, I notice that I had a serious problem myself. I have had scarce feeling that what I'm happy or I'm satisfied is like. Long years of low self-esteem, partly because my environment has been marginalized me, and partly because, thinking that I was deserved to be marginalized because of my oddity, I marginalized myself even more. Considering that I've been cornering myself into less happy and less satisfied position, at least I need to stop it so that I can feel what I feel and people feel what happiness and satisfaction is like. Feeling that thew want to be happy isn't taken for granted to some people. I think some people need training to want to be happy instead they unconsciously think they want to be unhappy.

As usual, after the Sunday service, I went to the bushes near the walls of the church garden. Staring for minutes at a mantis or other bug in the middle of leaf green of the rainy season is a precious moment for me, meditating over the worship I can offer, as a person with odd curiosity into automobiles, trains, bugs, and plants ... that hasn't been changed since before I enter elementary school. With such odd curiosities and fatigue I feel when I'm in a group of young brethren with interests typical of their age, sharing experience God is working on us is a great difficulty. The first year I came to this church I was worried and I refused to adjust myself from the church I had been in that I even couldn't stop roaming around the back of the chapel, frowning and being limp, sometimes screaming impossible to cope with the anxiety and the obsession that I should be deserve to be expelled, actually making excuse for better escape way from regular worship service. It ...

Receiving forgiveness is giving up myself who fancy condemning my past failure and attitude towards life, and myself who fancy locking myself up and indulge myself in disgraceful mental state. I may need a bulldozer of mind to complete this and it may take lots of energy. For the time being, I seek help for anti anxiety pill to sleep my destructive self.

Every Thursday our church has bible study and prayer meeting. I make it a rule to go, but recently, I was so tired that I couldn't attend many times. Even when I could attend I could seldom say my prayer and only pray inside my mind and at best praying in humming or buzzing way like beeps of a siren. Today,  as usual, when I go to church I was so weary and limp that I didn't have voice to say words.  At the entrance of the chapel a large brown cicada lay on its back. I thought it was dead. As I was entering, it suddenly began to zoom and buzz. I was so sorry for the cicada being on its back, I picked it up and try to set upright as during the day a cicada may stop on a tree or sometimes a utility poll. Its buzzing sound was a little bit too noisy, but I felt an uncanny familiar feeling that my usual prayer may be like this buzzing sound, failing to make anyone else my prayer understood. In the end I failed to set the cicada on a tree, but it set to the entrance floor f...

When I read a blog entry of how to write a business blog, I became sad. It said that you should be a professional to continue to write a business blog; no one wants to ask a half-fledged man for business or professional advice, ... and I have little professional background in my work. It is fortunate that this is my personal blog, and it is fortunate that I can help a few people just being myself (I think if you devote yourself in being fully yourself and pour the energy into your blog). I'm really grateful to the self-enlightening book I'm reading for giving me this insight. I'm thinking, little by little, of talking about myself, and myself with autistic spectrum disorder, and working for a special subsidized company.

Saying my prayer sometimes I can hardly pronounce distinctive sounds to compose words. Then I just can say humming or buzzing sound, "praying" for brothers and sisters I see in church be all OK and God's will be done. I sometimes feel miserable when I see other people can "say" their prayer in the sound and the language "I" understand, either in Japanese or English. Now let's stop self-pity. By saying my prayer in humming way, I may not make people heard and understood my prayer, but pastor says even such a prayer, God listens. If I need to share my prayer, I can write down and speak in pen and ink later.

I'm looking for the way make other people happy with my small gifts and weaknesses. Whenever I feel panicked, I feel too weak and stupid to write or say simple words or letters. These experiences help me imagine, although it may be temporarily, what people who feel really weak and who feel lack of ability feel like. They also help me find my co-workers' strong point, instead of complaining on their shortcomings. By my perfectionist's nature, I tend to search for other people's imperfection and sometimes to complain behind their backs. I need to quit to make people around me more comfortable and for my own health. Now I have my hands full with my daily work helping a few people, but some day I hope to give many people a lot of hope and dream with my small gifts and weaknesses. (Reading 57% through of How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie via Kindle Fire HD)

This morning was 15C = 59.000F. I made hot cafe au lait with Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee. Writing English blog, conversion sites come in handy, like http://www.metric-conversions.org/temperature/celsius-to-fahrenheit.htm conversion from Celsius to Fahrenheit.   Tohoku (Northeast of Japan) region is so cold this morning for this season, that today hot coffee suited me fine.  Listening to Chiptune (BGM of 80's video game like Famicom or NES), I felt a little bit like "Chiptune cafe".

The only thing I can do now to encourage people is just to write that I'm doing well. Now I don't have anything particularly valuable to encourage people but telling I can smile anyway.

I often take a long and strong breath out rather than breath in. In public I try to control myself to keep my voice low while breathing out. But once I'm alone, I begin to deep breath with howl like a moo, a siren or an exhaust note out of like a sporty car "2000GT TURBO".

In this morning I was so tired that I couldn't exercise, but in the end I've found out I walked 13 kilometers and swam 1.5 kilometers. My fatigue these days provably comes from office work in which I use my office PC 5hours a day. Mental stress is also contributing factor of today's weariness.

Bitterness is enough for chocolate, beer, and coffee. Bitterness for (with) me can kill me.

When I was in junior high school one classmate said that I was an octopus from Mars with green blood. I was sad because I felt I was not a human, at least not a member at all in the classroom I was in. This feeling left me the bitterness like needles stinging me in the back of the head once in a while. It's shame that I feel this bitterness even when I read someone's enlightening comment. Recently I'm reading a few self-enlightening books and learning that worry and bitterness can kill me. According to a book I'm reading, I felt I'm not a human because I can't quit this bitterness, and this thought reminded me the fact that I haven't forgotten that degrading experience and not forgiving that. It may be long before I feel that I'm human, but I'm willing to became a human some day.

Dragonflies Level crossings Signs on the road Descriptions on tires (size, width) Cabinets of electricity meters (size, the year manufactured) What do these have to do with hospitality? I've been thinking these days.

No longer lonely because I'm not alone when I'm working out with web technologies. When I was 30 and in a rehabilitation group, my academic achievements and interests around my subject didn't make sense at all. Neither members nor staff didn't understand it.

As a young adult constantly in troubles, panics, and alienation, struggling with speech and behavior, helping hands was critical to survive daily life. Originally I wanted to talk about myself who took helping hands for granted to coordinate my potential ability even if I don't know how to show my advantage and my needs. But before discussing this, I came up with the idea that in the beginning of my job hunting, I had only negative campaign of myself , and I had no awareness of it then. Especially when I entered university, I was totally blown away, impossible to calm myself, and fell into jumpy behavior. Thanks to some helping hand, gradually I began my daily life in university. Even after I began campus life, I found myself seldom relax except when I was lying on my bed. In terms of achievements in university life, with many helping hand I did it. Although I could never relax in critical events in my university life, almost always I was seriously panicked, sometimes with ...

I reflect on the needs I felt now of what I needed 20 years ago when I was 18 adequate aptitude to enter university in knowledge base, apparently shown by written tests lack of skill to compose a whole presentation, while quite high performance to fill blanks lack of understanding that the goal of higher education - pursuit of truth is primary and education is secondary several items of development in behaviors, communications and social skills left around or under elementary school level (e.g. I didn't know what to say when I eat out) lack of awareness of what I want to do as an adult

Emotions like oncoming wall. Facial expression frowning, closing one eye and the other tightly, big "smile" both ends of my lips risen highly, but teeth ready to bite at the next moment. I tried to smile to care someone else, but ended up making the public fear and strengthening my fear also.

I was a siren-man in elementary school. Every day I screamed whatever unexpected things happen or every slight physical or psychological pain. I didn't know why I end up crying after a few hours after I had made up my mind to behave for the day. One classmate said that "in order not to care the scream he make, you only have to get accustomed to the bell ringing before a train leave." I've forgotten I was such a siren-man when I was in elementary school, but today's stress which was so severe that I was about to put siren noise out my lips, babbling buzzing sound on the way home when nobody else wasn't interested enough. Showing fatigue with implicit behavior may affect morale of the workplace, so sharing information of my physical and mental condition isn't always easy, sometimes busy with their own businesses, so at least I myself should be one who appreciate my 30 years survival refusing tempt of terminating my life by myself, under the daily and con...

muscle pain pain in left wrist and left ancle 7 hours sleep slow action

I began a blog "Green-eyed clunker" as a beginning of the Internet output. At that time my goal was breaking the ice in the cyberspace, I enjoy to read but shied away from writing anything before then. Few people turned their eyes to my entries because I had only boring topics and even those topics I could only describe less than 10 percent of them. Therefore I failed to give any interesting view through my "Green-eyed Clunker" activity. I described myself as "Green-eyed" because I had few opportunity to communicate and I had no choice but saying words to myself, envy of anyone else social enough to widen their world to communicate. Another thing which made my eyes "green" was employment. When I began this blog, I was going to job training program for disabled people. I experienced several kinds of data entry works. Engaging in these works I made an effort to understand further purpose of these data entries, seeking deeper understanding ...