spectacular flashback (at age 7-8)
On a train I was reading Bible verses around 1 Corinthians chapter 4 and wasn't sure what the word "spectacle" means. I looked up a dictionary but I still wasn't sure. Instead I found a phrase "make a spectacle of oneself".
I flashed back to the first year I entered elementary school. In a classroom, I was crying and screaming like a thing "If you don't want me to be here, I might as well as disappear." Teacher said "He (I) is just making a spectacle of himself. Just don't care and ignore him."
Later, by the time I became a young-adult, I had come to have a self-image that "I tend to make a spectacle of myself when I felt lonely and wanted to draw attention." I didn't know even after I enter university how to start communication if I wanted to find a friend. People who I called friends was really carers and helpers brought me out of loneliness though the trouble I caused when I was at a loss in a new situation or one I feel much pressure. Until then I had done hardly anything effective to have a friend. If I had ever been able to have a friend, it's purely from his/her goodwill. How I came to learn (as a knowledge) how to begin a friendship is another story.
Let's turn back to the event in elementary school. When it comes to bring the classroom law and order, the teacher's view may be right, in that I should have behaved and communicated in a right manner, to find a friend or, show that I understand what the teacher says. On the other hand, this didn't really taught what I should have done, although might teach that what was bad in a shocking and degrading way.
30 years later, I'm still struggling with the temptation of making a spectacle of myself, and on the way of getting over by getting positive reactions to slow and steady communications.
I flashed back to the first year I entered elementary school. In a classroom, I was crying and screaming like a thing "If you don't want me to be here, I might as well as disappear." Teacher said "He (I) is just making a spectacle of himself. Just don't care and ignore him."
Later, by the time I became a young-adult, I had come to have a self-image that "I tend to make a spectacle of myself when I felt lonely and wanted to draw attention." I didn't know even after I enter university how to start communication if I wanted to find a friend. People who I called friends was really carers and helpers brought me out of loneliness though the trouble I caused when I was at a loss in a new situation or one I feel much pressure. Until then I had done hardly anything effective to have a friend. If I had ever been able to have a friend, it's purely from his/her goodwill. How I came to learn (as a knowledge) how to begin a friendship is another story.
Let's turn back to the event in elementary school. When it comes to bring the classroom law and order, the teacher's view may be right, in that I should have behaved and communicated in a right manner, to find a friend or, show that I understand what the teacher says. On the other hand, this didn't really taught what I should have done, although might teach that what was bad in a shocking and degrading way.
30 years later, I'm still struggling with the temptation of making a spectacle of myself, and on the way of getting over by getting positive reactions to slow and steady communications.
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