Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I'm so far away from learning foreign languages, because I focus on web page creating until the middle of November. There's so big fear of defeat on me. I learned to make wireframes for website design. I'm choosing pictures. There are so many pictures on my PC that it takes very long time to even view a tenth of them.

In the beginning of this month I was planning to refurbish my blog. I was thinking of suitable subjects that my blog deals with. I just ended up in missing the habit of posting something every day. In the period I was away from here, I was busy and tired from preparing for Network Specialist exam, and even after the exam ended on last Sunday, I have still been worn out. Before I stop my blog update, I was reviewing my motivation for blogging. In the beginning right after 2009, I wanted and sought approval from outside, from other people. This sometime caused troubles in interaction with Japanese bloggers who deal with topics on autism spectrum disorder. At that time I didn't see authors' personalities at all and I was just thinking I could relate to them just because I had gone through similar hardships to theirs. I just imposed my experiences and my personality on their comment walls. 5 years later, I noticed that just imposing my own experiences without paying respect...

Sensan line is suspended today due to the sediment disaster from the heavy rain of the typhoon that passed our area early in the morning of yesterday. Seeing the picture of landslide on the railroad , I was surprised. Although there was no serious damage around my place, as for the railway, it looks like there were in some places on the track of railroads. Fortunately, today is the national holiday Sports Day and I don't have to go to work. I'm not sure I'm even more fortunate enough to take train to work for tomorrow. I hope the restoration work will have been done by tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I will take the bus, which is going to crowded both inside the car and the road.

I missed posting my blog yesterday because I was too anxious about the typhoon. Last night my area had a lot of rain I had never experienced ever before, like other areas in Japan, Kanto and Tohoku region. Fortunately for me, the typhoon is passing at last, and looks like infrastructures around our area is OK. Electricity and tap water is available, and probably gas is OK too.

If you don't begin to write something, you can't join forever. This is one important lesson I have learned from my 10-year blogging experience. If I didn't begin to write something, I wouldn't be writing here like this way. So far, this blog hasn't been grown as I initially dreamed about. However, continuing this blog and never quitting was quite a good start, reading someone else's entry saying that 90 percent of bloggers quit from writing. Even though 99.9 percent of my entries so far have been low quality. In order to grow my blog, first I need to improve quality of my posts. To achieve this, I want to write as much as possible, in attempt to find what I should focus on. I also need to read, read and read to learn style and word usages of writing which are appreciated highly. There are a lot of things to do and a long way left to grow my blog, but not forgetting the mind when I opened this blog (even though I began it rather lightheartedly) is also import...

This time of last year, September and October, 2018 , I was making a lot of Efforts. One, for Abilympics, I was making my best for creating a web site. In that year, I was especially focused on handling a database in PHP. Another was studying a lot of basics, apps, and commands of Linux, for preparation for LPIC Level 2 exams. For those two purposes, I was building a test server and encounter several troubles, mostly from security settings of initial condition right after installation. In order to accept Web, FTP, and file server traffic, you need to change iptable setting to permit these traffics, and you may also need to care for SELinux setting. I searched on the web, reached a temporary solution, and permitted target traffic from my local networks. It was quite a good training for managing a host and a website, useful for both goals I was striving for.

From 2002 to 2004 I learned French from 2002 to 2004. I was so shy that I only listened the classes and didn't participate in practice conversations among the teacher and classmates. I also went to open university to see learning friends, most of who were middle-aged or older, yet showed stronger will to learn than the young students of the university I actually belonged to. Open university had given us a chance to get back my joy of learning, having long been forgotten in those miserable, empty first 3 years, with the most serious panic and mental breakdown at university. I was still easily get panicked from trivial things, but I had gotten able to attend minimum classes and hand in reports in spite of my panics. The last two years in Sapporo I made much greater progresses than years before. Yet I also experienced a major defeat. I gave up my advancement to doctor's course. I couldn't achieve neither of them: 1. Pass a designated tests to be qualified for advancement 2...

Self introduction. So many time did this word drop me into deep despair. One major reason is I suddenly forget about my personality when I hear the word "Self Introduction". Why does this happen to me? This is probably one of panic reaction out of my anxiety and fear of talking about anything to other people. When I dig deep into the reason for I'm especially shy about self introduction, I have reached one guess. Probably I have been thinking in this way. Anything I like is far from the trend, and I'm going to be laughed when I speak of what I like and what I enjoy. It's a big mistake. Even though some mean people are likely to laugh about my stammering manner of speaking with a lot of sweat, nice people won't laugh about what I like, which means what I pay respect for. Also, nice people are likely to be patient enough not to laugh my shy manner of speaking. In this way I got over one hurdle, but here's another barrier. "I still want to keep what...

I decided one thing. I will never meet the demand for gossips and complaints, however huge such demands may be. I thought that way, when I saw a blog ranking my Japanese blog belongs to and checked the most popular blogs there. Minimalists' blogs, day traders' blogs and blogs full of prejudice and gossips are among then. I may want to adopt thoughts of those minimalist, but I definitely want to quit from gossip mentality. Also, I thought that the way to be more positive should be among those top blogs, since I often search for such information, and I wish I would be able to provide success stories and tips for them. I myself, to be honest, am so easily give into the temptation to join in such things as actually have spoiled me, especially my strength. Then what need would I meet? I have no such success story as many people want to get. Well, actually, if I listen to people I see at my local church, even though my behavior at church is terrible from my panic, that I was able...

"Proper actions in your social networking media is critical to increase readers and comments on your blog." When I search for the ways to grow a blog, I hear such kind of remarks so often. Unfortunately however, I'm shy in social networking sites I have my account of, as well as real world. It was only two or three times that I posted about my blogs on such social media sites. I feel scared from social networking. Here are scares I feel about social media. A scare to see any reaction from other people about my post. Any kind. A scare to be exhausted - Even though I receive feedback a few times, if ever, a week, I check the feedback fields one time an hour when I posted something on a social networking site or a blog A scare to see discouraging news about my country or the world - I lose my energy by watching discouraging news or rumors on the web which don't really directly affect my everyday life. I let those news exhaust me and my everyday life. In order to gro...

My Japanese blog has a certain number of visitors, approximately 10 times of this blog, although I have posted on it only 10 times in this year. From 2009 to 2012, I posted every day on the blog, sometimes with a lot of photographs. One reason for the difference in audience may be that this is written my second language, but I have found a more concrete reason. When I was looking back on page views of my post on my Japanese blog, I have noticed one important point, which is missed from this blog and my Japanese blog has. A few niches appealing to a certain number of people. These niches include particular, kind of old, types of railroad cars, particular brands of canned-coffee. I know these things are not popular among mainstream majorities, but I also know that there are lot of bloggers who are enthusiastically posting their articles. My posts are not so enthusiastic, but I still have several audience. One reason this blog has only a tenth audience of my Japanese blog, I suppose, ...

I allow myself to spend this weekday totally freely. I don't blame myself because I didn't practice Photoshop or Illustrator, or preparing for Network Specialist exam taking advantage of this free time. In the beginning of this week, my mental state was so bad that I even forgot my lunch to work my mom had prepared for me. Another day of week, I forgot an item I usually bring to work. Although it wasn't really necessary for work, it makes me much more comfortable at work. In addition to those, every morning I was so irritated that I could't help taking notes of my mental state before I was set to work. In that way, I was losing my mental health and if I didn't have a proper rest, I'm going to really lose it. Going to work every day and relieve my employer and teammate, by keeping my mental state in shape. All self discipline will come after that.

Choosing time to writing a post is also important. I have been making a mistake in this time issue. It's not a good idea to write blog post in the time otherwise best for rest. Typically I write my posts before or after I have supper. This may be best time in that it's my own disposal, but it's worst in that it's the time I want be free from any duty whatever productive and whatever interesting it may be. I so often forget the fact that good rest is also necessary to do productive work daily. Then I want to choose my alternative time to compose a post. Making the time I'm much more productive and still it's my free time. I'm thinking early in the morning of weekend, or a few weekdays would be fine.

The experience of being employed has add me an important perspective. I have to be greatly grateful to this. If I were writing on behalf of my boss or my employer, the posts here would be quite different. According to articles I searched for information of how to grow a blog, setting the persona of target readers is critical. So far, unfortunately however, I have no clue of who are the visitors. If I write on behalf of a project I belong to, I will write about how the project is wonderful and how I want to grow as a group member.

Now that I have acquired the habit of posting something regularly, it's time for thinking the next step of my blogging. I'm thinking of making small income from blogging in a few years. This probably will be my next goal. I'm not sure if my idea is feasible, but this goal worthwhile tackling, and at least it will grow me, by thinking what action I must take to achieve this. First I'm changing my attitude toward blogging. Finding budget hosting for blog - Considering the traffic here now, even estimating 10 to 100 times, lowest cost among ones with freedom of multiple instances of WordPress and databases Finding my own niches - My potential niches: Automobiles, railroad cars, bugs, and enjoying coffee including canned coffee Getting better pen name - My current pen name MaittakB is totally meaningless to anybody. I'm thinking that my nickname should be changed so acceptable to a few readers Imagining hard who would read my future blog - I should be grateful ...

Consumption tax hike in Japan, with rate from 8% to 10%, itself, I find itself not totally unbearable, but this is if I don't see or hear TV and Internet news. It may affect terribly on any kind of sales, but the words tax-hike, tax-hike, and tax-hike are getting me crazy. It's a good idea to shutout news for a while to protect my mental health, until news of tax hike are kind of settled.

I'm going for jogging after supper, with minimum waste of time, hoping better sleep at night and early waking up next morning.

Fatigue and tiredness is the thing I suffer daily, and it affects my behavior greatly. This morning I could hardly walk forward, from physical and mental tiredness. At the Sunday service, I stopped for several minutes at the entrance. I almost forgot what to do. As always, my sensory issue was so serious in the beginning, when sounds from the chapel reached, I felt as if I had felt pain by being struck hard from near the heart. I didn't really felt pain, but I was beaten to the floor and frozen all the same. In the end I adjusted myself and sit and listened for the last few minutes. When I sang along with a worship song, I noticed that the sound I heard, amplified and made louder from the big speakers with its cabinet height more than 1 meter, was as loud as the voice of my song, also as large as the voice when I scream when I feel great pain of body or mind. In the afternoon, I joined in the cleaning of the church, and I kind of enjoyed, taking care of kids. It was a bit r...

In recent 3 days, I was into upgrading the quality of my blog post, but on Saturday, my enthusiasm is wearing out for the time of being. Allowing myself to take a brake from blogging for a few days may help, but I'm thinking twice. I'm worried that if I take a break for a while, the break will be long, and perhaps my next post may be a half year later, or even thinking of quitting from blogging. So far, I'm able to be efficient in writing a post when I make a question to myself, and try to answer sincerely. Then another question occurs to me. Do I enjoy blogging? Isn't daily blogging just an obligation? Most of time I thought that blogging is obligation that I impose on myself to grow my English proficiency. How often I enjoy writing a post is a few times a month. A few times a month, this pace perhaps the best pace of my blog post, if I really want to deliver readers to quality blog posts.

In 2014 and 2015, my blog post was much more focused than now. In 2014, I focused on events from 2005, when I finished graduate school, without finding a job and with serious communication and behavioral problems, until 2007, when I finally landed on a part time job at a post office. Review of my life chronologically - My life events from 2005 to 2007 I read back my entries then. It wasn't so bad. On the contrary, much better than my blog entries these days. Next year, 2015, I focused on my daily progresses. I was determined to take note of any progress every day, whatever small it may be. I was determined to note 100 times, and made posts of 100 progress. I would like to make a list of links my progresses page then. Why was I able to focus on so persistently then? I think that one motivation was behind this. I wanted to become a writer even though English is my second language, and thought that focusing on one issue at a certain period way an efficient way to achieve thi...

I wanted to count how many words my draft. There may be convenient online tools, but you can also use Google Docs . My current goal is making a 500 word article one week. Thanks to the help , I made it. First, I looked for what icon to click, for many google apps like gmail, many function was shown by icons instead of words. However, the "Tool" menu, which "Word Count" function belongs to was shown by a word, in a menu bar. At first I was surprised a bit. In Google Chrome and Gmail, you don't see a menu bar like another legacy Windows apps. Here's what I did, after a bit of detour. 1. Open Google Docs and create new document. 2. Copy my draft and paste it on the new document. 3. Select all 4. While selecting all my draft, click "Tools" on (our old friend) menu bar on the top of the app. 5. Select "Word count" from the drop down menu under "Tools" of the menu bar Here I got the word count of my writing, with 21...

When I'm tired and sinking in despair, I often can't help limping and talking something to myself. I even say a few word that are associated suicide. I believe that even in such a moment I don't really want to commit suicide. Whereas I know that it's a bad habit that someone encountering me may hear from me words reminding them of death. These day, I'm getting aware of the fact that it isn't only me who are talking to themselves while walking. They may look a bit awkward and weird, but I have found that at least encountering such people talking to themselves aren't totally unbearable. I may look miserable when I'm so tired and depressed that I can't help limping and talking to myself, but I acknowledge such a condition as a part of my life and characteristic. I'm just thinking that "could I replace some of the words talking to myself to a bit more positive word, instead of ones associated with death and destruction." My mind may b...

Since around the beginning of this year, 2019, I have been thinking that "the need of place (a peer group) I can have conversation" isn't necessarily my priority. From yesterday's session, I'm inclined to change my mind. Conversations in a peer group isn't so bad. There are a few interesting topics, even if we are going to lose dedicated facilitators. I was thinking I wasn't able to enjoy conversation without help from a facilitator, and I had seldom enjoyed conversation with only peer members. Looks like my thought was wrong. It depends on topics. When a topic is about odd rules from school or peer pressure from classmates, I can relate to it, because I had long suffered from such kinds of experiences, and they greatly affect my personality, especially my shyness even up to now. It takes a lot of energy to join in a peer group with people on autism spectrum disorder. I don't think I can enjoy every time, while working almost full time. But jo...

I have continued this blog for 10 years. My objective is still the same. Getting used to posting something on the Web. Have I achieved this goal? Yes and no. Before I begin my two blogs, in English and Japanese, I was so scared of my messages through the Internet, it took 12 hours for me to edit an email before I send. These days I have to send more than 10 emails at work. With that slow speed, it would take 6 days only to sending business emails I have to send in a day. After I began to run a blog, I got used not only to writing a post, but also to making up an email with much faster speed and much less scare. However, I'm thinking that I haven't fully used to blogging when I take it more seriously. These days I have began to search information for what is a good blog and a popular blog is like. I'm thinking if there's a way to make my blog much better. For the time being, considering my mental state, I have no choice but recording my daily trivial things....

Do, but not expect. I'm changing my attitude towards no hope I'm facing. I have been thinking even though I study hard, there's few chances to career up. However, even if there's no hope, stop studying means losing one of my major objectives, and losing one of my important characteristics.

When I came to Sendai 14 years ago, I was afraid of losing places and people in which I was able to speak. I knew no one then and I needed to build up human relationships from scratch. I needed a place, I mean, to be honest, I needed a few people to listen to my story and what I had struggled with. 14 years passed and, if not fully, I feel kind of secure. I feel that there isn't really a need to appeal something to win security. Also, reflecting on my characteristic, I don't really like to speak much. I would rather like to "do", such as exercises or study about information technology. In another 10 years, situations may change, but for now, seeking for a place to speak won't pay, for the fatigue of taking crowded subway to the venue, in addition to taking Senzan Line to get home.

Partially settled: freestyle swimming flip turn problem. I gave up I turn exactly symmetrically. Instead I focus on turning my neck down my legs and legs coming to desirable position to kick the wall of the pool, to get speed in the next direction.

Today I practiced freestyle flip turn, same as yesterday. I haven't learned turning on my right hand yet. In that direction, I'm scared of turn my head down and upside down, and my both feet don't very well reach the end of the pool so as to kick it to get speed after the turn.

This morning I went to a clinic to receive my result of rubella immunity test I took the other day. According to the result, I need not a vaccination. The clinic was near one I regularly go to for cure of my high blood pressure. After that I went to a mental clinic. I visit the clinic about once a month. Fortunately my two clinic visits was done before noon. After clinic visits and I got home, I felt sleepy and my eyelids sore. This delayed my start for going to swim. I didn't get vaccination, so there was no problem with going to swim. I had been thinking that I wouldn't go to swim, because I was going to get a vaccination, after receiving my immunity test. When I was swimming, I struggled with flip turns of free style. I was able to turn on my left hand, but I couldn't on right. 

Jogging for stress relief and sleep. This is what I hope for tonight. I did well in this week, for I made several contacts about matters I had long been worried about and most of them look like to come to conclusions.

Explaining myself is not easy, especially when I have to explain why so often I find myself in communication and behavior troubles. I have just recently noticed that why it isn't easy for me to find right words for describing myself. It's because it sometimes requires a few academic terms to describe some of difficulties I'm likely to bump into in my daily life. It isn't easy even in my native language Japanese. In my childhood, I read books about education, psychology, and mental health in order to find out solutions for why I run in to so many troubles every day and how I can improve my situation. Exact the same approach will be required to describe myself in daily difficulties here.

How do I give satisfaction? This is a thing I'm to focus on the most. This is why I never quit. Also, I want to recover the capability of enjoying and looking forward to something. I have lost this capability these days mainly from mental tiredness. I had to cope with even still so many stressful situation, although people around me have made a lot of efforts to relieve me from coping with most of them.

My physical condition and strength has picked up, compared to those of 5 years ago. I noticed this from my blog entry at the time. In 2014 I ran 10 kilometer race and it took 53 minutes. I think I will be able to finish around 50 minutes in this year.

I don't want to blame past human environments which brought about my low self esteem, which has long and seriously affected my career. I just want to solve one by on my current stressful situation, tangled and intertwined complexly. On the other hand, I'm disappointed to notice how my mind is filled with negative feelings about myself, total lack of proficiency to put forward myself and my tendency to giving up tough situations and wasting my efforts until then, and current trend of society, thriving powers which don't value human rights and tolerance for diversity. Looks like these bad things in my mind is making my mind ill, making the room in my mind for enjoying what I like, and focusing on what I'm good at. This is one reason why I have been quiet so far. I have known from experience, and hopefully by the course of my mental growth, that putting negative feelings  into words doesn't make people around me happy. On the other hand, I know little about things o...

I have my hands full with temporary expenses and how many places I have to make contacts with. It was not until I went to the Sunday service today. The sound of piano sounded like the sound from a jet engine of an airplane. Although I arrive at the local church on time, I couldn't enter the chapel until an hour passed. Until then I was crying out loud on a bench outside the church building, unable to control my perception that I could have been treated more fairly. Lest I wouldn't crash anything, I kept my body stiff on bench, and my prayer was rather like a  scream of the siren of a fire engine. At work on weekdays I seemed to behave. However my mind has been almost wreck from tens of stress source, large and small.

I'm so obsessed about Cisco certificates. One reason is I enjoy learning about network technologies thanks to a lot of attractive (third-party) learning programs and exam preps. The problem is, if I'm going to get CCNP, the exam fee will be more than my monthly income even if I make it in the shortest attempt, and considering my situation, it won't give any advantage in my career, because I need employment with understanding and assistance. Earning the certification could be just a big waste of money. Preparing for exam, but not going to take the exams can be even better alternative. I still enjoy learning, and feel a bit better financially.

As Yahoo! Japan terminates its blog service, I migrated my Yahoo! Japan Blog to Seesaa Blog. Most of my gaming blog friends, however, moved to Ameba Blog. Among them topics of newly released 17th Touhou Project  Wily Beast and Weakest Creature . I have long been away from Touhou Project topics since I gave up my laptop, in which, most of Touhou game was installed. In my new desktop, any Touhou Project game haven't been installed yet, apart from a few titles in my old external hard drive. Simply I have been busy with other things and not so energetic as to play with those crazy fireworks of bullet hell. I had been thinking that gaming contents of my Japanese blog be separated from my main blog. I'm not sure yet, my gaming contents would be on my main blog like before, or making another blog dedicate to gaming contents with Seesaa, the same blog service as my main blog, or creating an account of and a gaming blog with Ameba, like my gaming blog friends.

What would I say if I were asked by my friend, "How's it going?"? Considering my mental state, I would say, "Tired." I have been refrained from saying it, because if I did on this blog, most of, I mean, over a half of my entry would be "I'm tired." I'm so tired when I have a chance to post here something. However, on my way back from work, even if I am really tired, I would answer differently. In spite of my tiredness, I'm still full of hope, because I'm strongly influenced by the podcast I listen to. When I listen to Effortless English Podcast, my motivation goes up dramatically, because Teacher AJ's speech is fun, encouraging and motivating. According to information sources about job market of infra engineers in Japan,  chances for newcomers over age 40 without prior experience is really limited, whatever certificate they may achieved. Actually if I had absolutely superior communication skills and absolute confidence, suc...

Summer heat coming to an end. This morning the thermometer at the entrance indicated 19 degrees Celsius. It looks like the heat still remain on my house, and I needed air conditioning in my room in the day and in the evening.

I don't like a large header image which covers most of the first view of the page, especially when I want to reach the point as soon as possible. I hear time and time again that your cover photos and header photos are important to show your page or entry attractive, but sometimes I feel that such decoration sometimes interrupts me with viewing information I need at my first view. My way and preference of searching information may be particular to my duties, but I'm thinking that it's also important for readers to be able to know how to reach the point at their first view.

How many days could I stand, if I had no chance of conversation for many days. One week, or perhaps one month? Actually every day I talk to my father and mother, although at work I say few words at work, and doesn't feel much inconvenience.

Until I was back home this evening, (I was thinking that) my condition wasn't not so bad. In the morning there was no problem with my work, and in the afternoon, I learned a lot about computer network and how to build a website or web pages. When I arrived home, however, my brain stopped to think, as if I were feeling there were no hope in the future, and as if the battery of my brain were dead. I'm thinking that there are some hopes in the future still, but it looks like my brain has stopped its activity for today.

Where can I find hope in my daily life? When I came up this question, I noticed that my mental state may be on the decline. If I'm mentally in shape, I will do every activity with hope, working, jogging, swimming, cycling, and studying about computer network.

I'm being reminded the fact that daily records, as well as photos, I had kept on my blogs daily is helping me understand my pieces of writing in the past. Without my past entries and photos as clues, I wouldn't very well recall what those written pieces mean, in spite of the fact that it was I that I wrote those pieces in the past. This is at least one important motivation of keeping diary on my blogs, however trivial, however awkward, and however meaningless to other people. My entries are at least messages to myself later. Even though providing information useful to other people may be a step really far beyond, continuing to taking the steps of keeping trivial record will certainly take me this farther.

Summer heat has been back! On coming Saturday and Sunday, high temperature will likely to reach more than 30 degrees. Next, a typhoon is passing around Monday morning. I hope it won't affect transportation to work.

I'm not sure if I'm really fit for a network engineer job. However, I have found that at least I like to tackle problems shown in exams for certificates of network engineer, acquiring knowledge about information technologies, especially computer network technologies.

I'm enjoying to learn a lot about network technologies, but I'm thinking that perhaps I have to say goodbye to IT industries. Passing the age of 40 without core job experience in this field, there are few chances to get a job, no matter how many and how high level certificates. Still I won't give up learning, because it's part of my motivations to learn about network technologies, even though it may not highly related to my current and future job.

"Paced Run" and "Long Slow Distance" jogging again. I searched for training menus to run 10 kilometers in 50 minutes. I found menus of paced run. So far I have jogged at a pace I like. Actually when I jog, I start with walking and it's fine I walk 10 minutes and walk just a minute. Then, typically, I surprisingly jog 30 minutes and walk 10 minutes. Setting the pace, and decided to jog rather than to walk from the first is quite a hurdle, but if I want to compete with past myself in my 20s, I want to get over this hurdle. And what about "Long Slow Distance" jogging? Well I had planned to write about it when I began to write, but in the course I describe the barrier in front of paced jogging, I have forgotten to what to write. Well, tonight I'm planning to round-trip slow jogging to Rikuzen-Ochiai station about 3 kilometer aware from here in more than 70 minutes, so I need to start as early, say 7 p.m., as possible.

I got Adobe CS3 (license) and installed on my Windows 10 PC. I already have Illustrator CS6, but I wanted to get Photoshop with a low cost. I needed to edit photos for designing a website for contest. Photoshop CS3 looks still powerful enough in the eyes of a light PC user like me, however Dreamweaver CS3 looks quite out of date, because of the shift to HTML5 and CSS3, even I installed an HTML5 extension. Probably I have no choice but using Dreamweaver CS3 as a text editor with functions slightly a bit useful to HTML and CSS, although I have to cope with some elements, properties, and rules this version don't know. I also have to remember how to use Photoshop. It has so many powerful function that it takes a lot of time and practice to master even basics and most frequently used functions, which is a bit tough on my nerve and eyes.

Monday's priority: Relieving my co-workers by behaving. Keeping my calmness under muscle soreness. Sending required data free from any flaw. Preparing some evidences and receipts I have to send the Miyagi team, concerned the travel of Abilympics National Meet held in Aichi. Training pace: Basically a break, and walk-only. Consumption pace: Limiting around 200 yen, canned coffee in the morning.

This weekend I practiced flip turn of swimming. I have overcome the fear of turn, but the direction of the kick isn't set properly, and making inefficient turn.

This morning I climbed the road to Izumigatake by bike. It's for the first time in 2 years. Last year I didn't ride this road, because it was steep and long uphill, 7 km road with 400 meter elevation, and climbing this road was beyond the load suitable for improving high blood pressure. This year I decided to go, because I had confidence in my stamina, having swum a lot during the summer holiday. It took 41 min 20 seconds to climb, 3 minutes slower than last time. I was disappointed because it was much slower than I have expected. It's probably because the lack of bike riding experience for this year. This year I was away from cycling for mental and weather reason, although I was at least physically in shape, and going swimming every weekend. My stamina wasn't so bad, but I have long forgotten how to ride bike faster.

The other day I read an interesting article about learning English. The article was really about tips of getting a high score an English test, but it gave me an important idea about reading. 300 words per minute is minimum reading speed to enjoy. According to the article, if you feel your reading boring, you are reading slow, and in most cases because of your capability and your choice of what to read. You should choose books with easier words. This article is written about reading, but I'm thinking that it can also be applied for writing. If I don't enjoy writing, I write too slow, probably because of my lack of proficiency, and I'm trying to use too big words.

In order to achieve a good result in abilympics (web page creating) skills contest, getting familiar with Adobe apps seems to be essential. Last year, I tried Creative Cloud for 2 months, and I only acquired basics, rather than engage in real web site creation. This time, I'm thinking of getting much older version of Creative Suite. I think I would able to manage without Dreamweaver. I can probable manage with a text editor. The problem is photo processing. Although I have already have Illustrator, the right app to process photo is Photoshop. Some older version have activation and update problems, but still, I'm thinking that getting "essential functions" to edit image will be a minimum effort and investment to win the race.

Problem with getting air ticket a source of my anxiety. I have to wait until tomorrow, when I might get an answer for the right way to get the tickets.

In this week I want to keep this in my mind; I want to take action as early as possible, and I don't do unnecessary things in the evening and night. This is I want to keep myself in shape, especially having a quality sleep.

Width: 59cm Depth: 29.5cm I'm thinking of replacement of my bookshelf. some shelf boards are broken. Replacement of shelf boards can be a choice (Width 27cm, Depth 55.5cm), but I can't find the right size with a just glance of Internet search. I'm thinking of separate two shelves with much the same width and depth, if I replace the entire shelf. Disposal of my old shelf will be another problem.

It's hot in the day, but at night and in the morning, crickets are stridulating. Daytime is much shorter than June or July. It get dark earlier. Fortunately, it's still light outside at half past 5 p.m., when I return from a pool, after I swim.

If I have to ask my co-worker to do a workflow less advantageous than ever, I would try to communicate as polite as possible. I really want to avoid causing double-stress for one lesson, because I know how hard on my mind and body a double-stress was. Multiple stress for one issue tends to be exponential rather than proportional, on my vulnerable mind, with autistic spectrum disorder.

It's a good idea to take care of myself, in order not to lose energy to enjoy my hobbies, in spite of the fact that I have a lot of time at my disposal. Getting along in new human relations in the workplace is a new agenda I have to manage.

The last half of August looks like a bit more rainy than I had expected. I wanted to jog on weekday evenings, in addition to swimming on weekends, but weather discourage me from going out for jogging.

I'm good at neither speaking nor listening. This causes me difficulty in communicating with other people. But then, what am I good at? With a little more thought, I'm relatively good at communicating with myself. I'm always making questions and answers about my personality, thought, and things that I'm interested in. I have always been thinking that I'm valueless in society and especially on job market because I desperately lack skills of having interaction with a lot of people. These days, however, fortunately, I have begun to think that sticking to communication with myself can make me valuable, and if I'm able to the minimum skills to market myself with the strengths generated by a lot of self-communication, I will make much more out of myself.

"I hope her new way will be bright and she will be able to help those who are really in need. I feel kind of lonely, and combined with other sudden events making a hole in my mind getting even bigger, but I can manage myself finally." After talking to myself in that way, I just said farewell to her.

The first day I went to work after summer holidays was full of unexpected things. In addition to a lot of data to report, the changes to access information on a few websites annoyed me a lot.

From tomorrow I will go to work again, after long summer holidays. I will have major change in my working environment, not really of workplace, but who to report. I hope I will get used to soon. Especially, I hope I finish work of Wednesday without a major trouble.

Today I swam through 200 meter individual medley for the first time. At first, I intended to swim 50 m butterfly and 50 m backstroke together at a slow pace. Just the moment I had done it, I felt that I would be able to swim breaststroke right away, then after I swam 50 m, I might be able to swim freestyle. In this way, unexpectedly, I swam through 200 m individual medley. Regretfully, I didn't take time for that swim, but I guess my time was a bit slower than 4min30s. For the second time, I took time for my swim and it took 4min17s, and for the third time 4min09s. To achieve my goal, I have to cut 30 seconds, but being able to actually swim full 200 meter individual medley gave me a lot of confidence, and this make me fore into swimming.

After the holidays, work environment has a major change, although what I actually do doesn't really change. However who I report will change. This gives me some anxiety, but I'm thinking myself that it wouldn't make a big deal.

These days, I'm practicing flip turn. Taking my condition into consideration, I swam at a slow pace today. However, the turn is the part one spend their energy the most. By every turn, I get breathless, and when swimming at a slow pace, I recover my breath.

Today I decided to take a break from going for a swim. My muscles were sore a bit and I felt that I was going to catch a cold if I push myself too hard. I'm planning to go swimming from tomorrow again, as long as public transportation is not suspended due to a typhoon.

Managing audio files, especially podcasts, is another problem on the way of PC migration, because I use Walkman rather than iPod as an audio player. The up-to-date official app, Music Center for PC  doesn't support podcasts any more, just as the older version Media Go did. Looks like Media go is phased out for security reason. I installed a third-party sound file manager to download podcast, and transfer to my Walkman. It takes some configuration, and sometimes I operate my Walkman directly as a storage, but I managed to find a way to download podcast and transfer to my audio player anyway.

Day 3 of my summer holidays. On day 1 and 2, I went swimming, and today I had planned to go. Considering my age, it's not a good idea to push myself too hard in on 3 days in a row in swimming, I had decided to keep to a slow pace. When I swam 200 meter freestyle, it took 3m58s. The target time is 3m40s in individual medley. Clearing 3m40s in freestyle may be a feasible goal to pursue first.

How many days do I go to swimming in the 9-day summer holidays? I'm thinking I could go every day during the holidays, but I have to be careful not to push myself too hard.

Friday morning, I registered for Network Specialist Examination, a category of Japan's Information Technology Engineers Examination(ITEE) by Japan Information Technology Engineers Examination Center (JITEC). The exam date will be Sunday, October 20. I hope to certainly pass this time. In this spring, I took the Database Specialist exam of the same organization. At that time, I didn't have so high an expectation to pass, and I didn't prepare not really seriously, but I did much better than I had expected. Passing the exam proves competence in understanding deeply fundamentals of a certain category and capability of following up-to-date topics of requirements in businesses. Apart from the fact that passing the  JITEC/ITEE certificates  level 4 isn't likely to affect my career, I'm thinking that I should pass the exams, because the way of thinking in information technologies seems highly familiar to me, with my innate way of thinking and feeling, findi...

I got 9 days off. Be careful of counting days, so that I can go to work again on the right day.

When I stopped complaining, I became quiet. I'm surprised so much part of my mind is occupied with dissatisfaction. I may want to look for some topics which are fun to share.

I had almost caught a cold, from the gap of temperatures, between outside summer heat and chill of air-conditioned office environment. My condition has gotten better, although I sweat a lot, especially around my right arm.

In spite of severe summer heat these days, the real problem is my body is chilled by relatively strong air cooler on a train or at the office. I'm almost catching cold. Sweating from hot weather may be a little bit uncomfortable, but I feel much healthier than in "comfortably" air-conditioned room which cause my foot cooled overly.

My favorite canned coffee has been gotten rid of the vending machine I often go to and buy from. This is a sad news. The canned coffee was with milk and low sugar, but sugar-substitute and artificial aroma free. It tasted much more coffee than a typical canned coffee with milk and a lot of sugar or sugar substitute. Most of "low sugar" canned coffee are even more sweeter than ones with milk and sugar, because sugar-substitute is in them.

A sketchbook within my reach from the bed. Also a few text books I want to focus to learn. These are part of the environment I want to build for taking up study with much less effort, even if I give into the temptation of playing a video game.

This is the first post from my new desktop PC. The screen and the PC body was larger than I had expected. It wasn't easy to put them onto my untidy (physical/literal) desktop. Finally I put them tidily and now I enjoy how fast my new PS is, although it's rather a budget model.

The heat of this summer is tough both on me and my computer. In Sendai area, high temperature reached 35 degrees on yesterday and today. In the morning, I was thinking that I would perhaps begin to work up with my desktop, but in this heat, more than 30 degrees at 6 p.m. I don't have energy any more to begin the work for tonight. Maybe next morning?

Finally my laptop got back to Windows 10. I have just installed virus security software. So far, all tasks I have worked out is just for my old laptop, until now 2 days after my new desktop arrived. I didn't even open the package. Probable I will work out with new PC from this coming Saturday.

Now my laptop updated to Windows 8.1 from Windows 8. When activating, it couldn't connect to the Internet by wireless LAN. By my iPod touch, wireless connection was available, so maybe there was a problem with the laptop side, although wave condition wasn't so good. There was no way to reload then, so I didn't have a choice but skipping the process. After a reload, the wireless Internet connection recovered. Then it's time for Windows 10.

I decided to get a desktop PC, after the crash of my current laptop running Windows 10, in which originally Windows 8 was pre-installed. My main task at home probably will be done with my new desktop PC. Besides that, I'm thinking if I can get back Windows 10 on my laptop. Now I'm applying Windows 8 updates, and I hope to update to Windows 8.1 within this week.

My laptop I bought in 2013 has crashed. I had no choice but to execute the recovery program I made a few years ago, hoping that some valuable data could be recovered. After several hours, the process ended. After the reboot, what I saw was the welcome screen of Windows 8, which was initially installed in it. Windows 10 had been running until last week.

Today's high temperature is almost reaching 35 degrees, which is severe summer heat. Early in the morning, it was raining, and nevertheless, the thermometer out the entrance indicated 25 degrees. Later, it got sunny, but I heard sounds of thunder twice or three times. In the afternoon, afraid of a sudden rain, I took bus for swimming instead of going by bike, but it hasn't been hit rain yet. According to a forecast, it isn't much likely to rain tonight, and this week the weather around our area will be sunny basically. The end of the rainy season around our area this year hasn't been announced, but I guess it will be early in this week.

Today it was heat of mid-summer. Although I didn't checked thermometers outside during the day, it's obvious that high temperature went above 30 degrees, considering with the air conditioner of my room keeping the temperature inside 28 to 29 degrees and I still felt that it was comfortably cool. In the afternoon, I went out for swimming by bus. At 4 p.m. there weren't so many people in the pool. At 5 p.m. when I was walking home, I heard the loud sound of thunders, but fortunately I got home, without hit by rain or lightning.

In the last half of this week it got much hotter than ever before in this July. Yesterday high temperature hit 30C degrees and low temperature of the next day, which is this morning, remains more than 20C. Looks like this rainy season will be past by the beginning of the next week, after a typhoon coming near Japan leaves.

Today I took a day off and went to a mental clinic. I go through minor panics two or three times for week, however it's fortunate that they haven't grow into a major trouble. From tomorrow, I would like to do my daily things just like until yesterday.

I was frozen with panic before I got on subway to go home. I'm relieved I've finally got back home safely, without major trouble. There must be a cause, but I should be careful when I should tell what happened. Otherwise, I might hurt someone. Now it's time to take a deep breath.

Most of visitor traffic is by my own visit for a week, because I reload the site every time I edit the layout to check, and if something is wrong, modify it and reload again.

My Japanese blog switched to Seesaa from Yahoo Japan . Migration finished in a few hours, after I entered information about the source (my old blog) and destination (my new blog). Most of my posts seemed to be preserved, although all 6,000 comments I have gotten in my Yahoo! Japan blog. This means I'm losing almost all connections through my old Japanese blog. However, I had already lost most of connections by a few years ago, when I almost gave up posting on the blog on regularly basis. A few connection still remains. This week, I'm going to a few bloggers who supported by visiting and writing assertive comments on that blog, in order to greet and inform of the URL of my new Japanese blog.

This morning I found that I can't log on my laptop. I haven't forgotten the password. Looks like something is wrong with login screen, or my user profile has been crashed. Fortunately, the hardware hasn't really been crashed, and I somehow recovered the access to my old files. From this experience, I have been taught a lesson: Your PC or laptop may crash for some day. You may want to make a list of date you really need to take backup, and how to recover your PC life after you replace your computer.

Is my mental state worse than a few years before? I was thinking when I went to a clinic, and had hard time, having a mild meltdown. I gave up going the mental clinic later, and I put of my visit coming Thursday. These days I tend to be tired from trivial sounds I hear my everyday life. They often affect my temper badly, and often end up in finding myself frowning, enduring the shock or horrible ideas I sometimes come up with. This happened a few years ago, and terribly affected on my style of behavior. Sometimes I obsessed about checking my baggage before I got off train, and sometimes it took a few minutes before I begin to walk after I get off a train. At that time I even thought about upgrade of my disability certificate, which means my mental illness had gotten even worse. As for this year, after looking back on then and these days, my mental state, temper, and despair are not so serious than then. I'm positive that I'm doing much better in many of my routine works. ...

Playing is better for my mental health than just viewing. Nelke & the Legendary Alchemists arrived yesterday. I lost no time in playing. This time, looks like it takes management skills to grow a city with tight time limits, and I'm thinking that I may be fail a few times before I make it, unlike recent Atelier games basically free from time limits.

Last night I went for a jog, hoping a good night sleep later. I couldn't keep my pace to slow, and this prevented me from entering sleep early and lowered the quality of my sleep last night.

Today's weather was not so bad as I had expected, although when I was out for work in the morning, it was foggy and the road was wet. In the afternoon, I saw blue sky, although most of the sky was covered with clouds.

I bought Nelke & The Legendary Alchemists: Ateliers of The New World from amazon. It was an used one. It will arrive by the next weekend. I'm looking forward to enjoying the skits by characters of legendary Atelier games, although the game is more than town management simulation than item making, unlike regular Atelier games, and I'm not sure I'm going to do well in the management part. I have already viewed many times game play videos for more than a half year, but I hope that playing it by myself will give me new energy. I had decided to buy if I participated in Abilympics Miyagi without a major trouble, regardless of results.

These day I go to swimming every day of weekends, to keep my exercise habit. My main purpose of swimming is keeping myself physically and mentally in shape. It's better to swim slower and with a lower load on me, considering the impact on work on weekdays. However I often lose temptation of speed, and end up in getting tired more than I had expected. Knowing how to keep stream line and improving how to use my ankles, I can swim much faster than years before with less energy, but still the faster I swim, the more energy I spend. I may want to careful about my pace of swimming, now that I'm into how to swim faster with less energy.

I came up with 2 things what I can do when I feel so tired and down in rainy season, but still I want to communicate some messages which may make you a bit more positive. 1. Remembering the sky with photos I have taken. 2. Going to the city on weekends at least 2 times a month.

In Abilympics Miyagi (vocational skills contest for people with disabilities in Miyagi prefecture) in this year, Looks like I did better than I had expected. I participated in web page creating competition. I managed to win the Gold medal. My performance was not so good as last year, since I couldn't spare energy for practice, (even though I had some tome to do so). I'm going to go for the national skills contest held coming November in Aichi prefecture. I'm not sure I will be able to spare energy to create extra pages, but I hope my energy will pick up, by regaining my motivation to create web page much more efficiently than I'm able to do now.

No energy to practice, but I have been at least healthy enough not to absent from work these days. I hope tomorrow I go, participate, and return without a major problem.

On Saturday, on the day of Abilympics Miyagi, it's going to be hot again this year. In this week so far, high temperature haven't went up more than 22C. However, according to the forecast, high temperature on Saturday will be 28C. I'm always haunted by July's heat on this vocational skills and html coding contest every year.

In this week, unlike last, not so rainy so far. I didn't need to put up my umbrella from Monday to Wednesday. Still, it has been cold and a bit dark for this time of the year. It was not until this evening that I saw the sun and blue sky, although most of the sky was still covered with grey clouds.

I was almost panicked when I got on the train home from work today. To be honest, I had already been slightly panicked. The train was about to leave, and crowded with passengers. For safety, I got off the train and got on another train on the other platform, which would leave 15 minutes later, and which was much less crowded. On that train I recovered calmness.

My preparation for Abylimpics Miyagi 2019. My first task will be, find top 3 company profile pages and learn from them, from information structure to elements and to styles.

I often sketch cars on my sketchbooks. Especially on Sundays and on the train. I'm restless, but it's not good to make a noise. This is a bit better way for settling my restlessness and anxiety. I was good at sketching cars, and not good at sketching a person. In recent years, I try to sketch people, and somehow grabbed feature of parts of body of a man, and a bit of contrast of light and shadow. These days, with my mental state pretty down, I didn't sketch so many times, and terrible at sketching men, and even my sketches of cars are getting worse. It may be time to endure my mental state so low, until rainy season comes to an end.

Although my mental state has been down since I ran a half marathon in may, there are several upside of it, especially compared with a year or two ago. This year I don't worry so long about forgetting something before I leave train to work or my office after I have finished the work of the day. Also at work, I don't waste time in checking rather irrelevant items repeatedly. Years ago I did, because I was not so certain that they are irrelevant, before checking each item 5 to 6 time in average. This has improved my work performance. Considering these upsides, my mental state has been slightly improved, although I guess I will have to endure several weeks of apathy, likely to happen to me the rainy season.

In so many posts, I have implied that I'm on the autism spectrum, in posts of my condition, stress coping and my past experiences. However, I haven't written so many post that how I knew I'm on the spectrum, and how I'm on the spectrum. It's not easy to explain this in a language I'm not fully proficient, especially these days when I'm even losing the energy to assert myself in a way that I have some particular characteristics.

Today, I received my clothes from online laundry service. Basically, I'm satisfied with its work, but I was surprised by huge cardboard package and plastic wrapping. Handling these things are also frustrations I have to cope with.

This morning I installed Chinese on my Windows10 PC. I had wanted to Chinese input for language learning. When I rebooted my PC, I noticed that had made a mistake. Windows Explorer with Chinese language! I had changed my system language into Chinese from Japanese too. Fortunately, I set up the system language back Japanese again within 30 minutes, but it made me panic greatly, with OS with a language, although I'm going to learn, but I haven't been familiar with yet. Since I'm planning to install a few other languages, I'm looking for the easy and steady way to set up back to languages I'm familiar with. Fortunately, with windows, you can relatively easily to reach language setup window, after launching "setting" window, and follow icons on which is "A", "字" and a clock.

These days I'm learning about configurations of routing protocols and route redistribution. It take some time and energy to learn, but thinking about network protocols gives me great motivation, and not a small part of reason for living. It's not easy to remember how to calculate metrics of some routing protocol. It's a good idea to learn the formulas for routing protocols along with familiar examples like a FastEthernet interface, with 1000000kbps bandwidth and 100 microsecond delay. Also this morning I compared the bandwidth the delay of various interfaces, physical and virtual, ethernet variations, serial, and tunnel interfaces. No wonder was I surprised a lot by the delay of VPN connection when I first used one.

On Monday, I saw daylight I missed since the middle of last week. Daylight makes us hopeful a lot, even if other circumstances may be all the same! Last Saturday and Sunday, it rained almost all the day and I couldn't see sunlight at all. Outside and inside seemed half dark even in the middle of the day, and I was almost losing hopes for future.

My desire to do something is not likely to come back so easily. Since the middle of May, I have lost, and feel like sleeping as long as possible when I have time for leisure. It takes a lot of energy to begin something, even to play a video game.

Today I went to swimming, as usual on Saturday. Walking in the rain, I got to the pool 30 minutes later than usual. I didn't swim right after I got to the pool. Before I swam, I took 30 minutes for warmup. It was good for coping with my mental and physical tiredness, but still I need for exercise.

I don't remember very well about this month. However, it looks like I worked through pretty well. In late May and the entire June, I was too tired to have fun. I didn't even play a video game or a Touhou bullet hell shooter on PC. I hope that in the next month my condition will pick up a bit, enough to enjoy a little bit, and I hope for better weather and I'm able to go to cycling on weekend. Also Abylympics (the regional contest) awaits in 2 weeks. I have learned little about web page creating for months. It's time to remember how to code web pages.

I'm telling story about when I'm listening to a radio English conversation program. This 6-month course is composed of 15-minute everyday session and the monthly textbook. Topics vary by week. Vocabulary in each skit in each topic wasn't so difficult. I only had to learn a few words for each skit or each topic. The problem, which I have come to notice only recently, is that I'm able to easily understand a topic is one thing, but whether I'm able to choose a particular topic for a conversation is quite different. When I was listening to the programs, I meant to study English, but actually I hardly learned about conversation. I learned a lot of vocabulary and expression in the course, and it was a great help to prove "my English proficiency" in some English test. However I failed to acquire an attitude to gather potential topics from my daily experience and news I hear and see every day.

Today was a really hot day, compared to other days recently, in the rainy season. Quality of my sleep last night was unexpectedly low, which made me even easier to get tired.

I wrote 2 times more than I write here now. I was more energetic to write on behave of "aspies". I believed in fellowships of people with autistic spectrum disorders. By chance I looked back on my past blog posts 5 years ago. I made a little more grammatical errors than now, but much more energetic and hopeful when I learn a lot about web coding and commercial design in general. I tried to get inspiration and learn as much as possible from what I see every day for my design proficiency. I tried to learn from ads I see in Sendai station, pamphlets in front of the travel center there and so on. I also had energy and hope to do things around me. I then energetically scan documents of the past to help my room clean. One thing that makes my condition bad in 2014 is that I didn't know how to begin exercise when I feel weary. Sometimes I was so tired that it took pretty long time before I begin an action. Looks like I was sometimes saying to myself that I want to lie...

These days I'm often absent from peer groups I belong in. This group is for people with autistic spectrum disorders. Years ago, I liked it very much, because there I was able to share my thoughts and I got to awareness of myself by interacting with its members. No other place did have a chance to share the idea of how I had struggled at school, how I had failed to have self confidence and self assertion. One reason is my tiredness. There is probably another reason for my absence, for I'm able to go to work with no major problem, but when it comes to go to a session of the group, thinking of it even makes my body and mind heavy. There may be a hidden reason, and probably I feel a much greater mismatch to be in that group even than I'm in my workplace.

Recently I'm trying online laundry service. I have wanted to remove sweat from my business suits. I tried dry cleaning for several times, but 3 days later I got my suit being washed, I felt it already sweaty. Looks like I should choose laundry services specialized in wet cleaning of clothes which actually has a tag of dry cleaning. I ordered cleaning yesterday, and waiting for the sending kit. After it arrives, I put my clothes into it and send by a delivery service. If all go well, I will receive my suits cleaned in 10 days.

My past is one of the things I'm the mostly like to write about. I was thinking that, since I was always thinking about and obsessed with my past, it was so easy to continue to write about my post. However I noticed recently that I'm not always thinking about my past, and even when I am, the image of it is not always so clear as to put into writing pieces.