Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

In the morning, when I go to church I was in more then worst condition. It took 2 hours for me to able to talk to somebody else. Until then I was hardly capable of ask for help. In the middle of sermon, I made a sharp sound when I tried to cope with hyperventilation. I exited, and entered the chapel as my condition change. Sometimes I went outside to the garden and cried out loud, "why do I have to show up myself and show my condition where I'm mentally out of control". I knew no one really hated me, as long as I don't cause a critical trouble or as long as I persist in making noise inside the chapel. When inside my mind became noisy, what I have to do was go outside so that I wouldn't interrupt the listeners of the sermon. The service ended and it was time to have lunch with church members. I could hardly whether to lunch there or eat out somewhere else, I was so incapable of deciding what to do. Even now I feel so. I was there when members prepared for...

I participated in a practice of alpine ski racing GS. This is the first time in this season. I hadn't been decided whether to join because I didn't have confidence in my physical and mental energy these days. After all, it was a good practice, because after the practice I viewed the video of my skiing, which at first time discouraged me and then make me think of the gap between my image of motion and what my skiing look like. I'm looking forward to revise my image of motion, test in the next practice, and view the result of the revision through video.

This week the mood in my workplace wasn't bad. Meanwhile, I had my hands full especially mentally at the end of the week. I might as well as shout out loud, but I didn't because when I felt this way I was on a train home. I stood relatively easily because the train was not so crowded and I took a seat on it. On a train I came up with a lot of thought about my state of mind, my hobby such as skiing, and how I can be nice to other people in my unique introverted way. After each writing of idea, I wrote "I heard a voice." It wasn't real sound, but the ideas were so driving that I perceived them as something like voices. These "voices" guide me to think deeply about what I am worried about what is driving me mad. Writing down them help me make my heart a little bit lighter, and take a step further the next day.

I didn't shout out loud. I bore up in terms of sound I make from my mouse. On a train headed for home 6:00 p.m. From the office to the station at 5:40 p.m. The work for the day ended at 5:30 a.m. It was a great relief and the team was in a good mood. Although there was some inefficient time, work for the day went pretty well as usual. No problem in the workplace. Back to around 6:00 p.m. today still there was problem. I had hard time with maintaining my mind in shape. It was as if great and high pitch screaming and shrilling sound had been revolving around my head and my ears. I flipped my palms, then put them together like bowing in front of a grave. My posture was a little bent forward, with my head nodding. sometimes I opened my upper arm but stiffly and rigidly tightened my armpits. I cocked my head two or three times suddenly. I advanced when I was allowed to get off train to headed for home. It was not a normal walk. I sidestepped in a couple dozen steps, then jump...

Today I took a half holiday. I worked in the afternoon. I didn't do nothing special. I was allowed to do everything I do on weekdays in a hurry at slow pace, and this has made my heart much lighter than that beginning of this week.

Who I am now. This is the keyword how I will continue this blog for the time being. I read some articles about blogging. Some blogger say that deciding your focus is important. Some say that writing regularly is important. Others say that thinking about your audience and providing them something interesting or something useful is important. In the long run, I could expect larger audience by refurbishing my blog, focusing on offering something interesting or useful. However, being myself is higher priority for the time being. Sometimes I disgust myself because all I can say is about my tiredness, problems, or troubles from my daily life, which I can't believe at all that make anyone got interested. I wish many times I could bring interesting stories about cars, games, or budget hi-fi audio. I also think that I could have told many stories about my childhood, and my daily lives then, struggle in elementary school classroom and battles on the way to and from school. I cou...

Whenever I visited the king in any progress of Dragon Quest, the king said, "I'm glad to see you return safely" when I play Dragon Quest. I was playing the role of a warrior who is challenging the dragon lord. It was an episode 30 years ago I didn't deeply think about it. Now this make me think that having someone who is glad when you are safely back is really encouraging.

Letting church member sees my awkward and panicky moments this morning, I felt greatly sorry, and also I thought myself as if I were a swarm flies or a snowstorm to church members or other members of society. I also thought that when I go to piece, I would even become powder of one square meter and soluble to god's pouring love. "This is solution of me into love of God." God's love is pouring. As powder I'm soluble. Like salt water, me as salt and water God's pouring love. This is just nonsense, and I shouted another nonsense to myself , "stop pouring please, I'm burning". But if I'm evil, burning out with God's love may be good to me? Today my mind is full of nonsense. Perhaps, I'm so tired that my mind is going to lose health. It's time to return to my silence.

Today I listened to the CBS News Weekend Roundup on the returning journey from skiing. It was for the first time in weeks that I listened to a newscast in English. These days I would rather like to listen to my favorite musics than to listen to newscast in any language. I have believed that listening to bad news make my weakening mental condition even worse. My mental condition was so unstable as to mutter about death once in a while in public places. In protected spaces such as home or my workplace (a place good enough for me on the autism spectrum to continue working with smile). Before I got to the bus, I enjoyed skiing in only an hour. It took great effort to start skiing because I felt so blue that I couldn't hardly respond to greetings from senior skiers I usually greet to. These senior skiers looked in full spirit when it comes to skiing. So am I usually, on usual Saturday when I reached the mountain, but today it wasn't. Last week also I felt a little bit down. ...

A gorilla flies. This is how I jumped rope when I was in the first year of elementary school. People who are good at jumping rope control their jumping ropes with their wrists, but I used the entire arm to get my rope round, so every time I tried, I failed. I practiced again and again. My brother tried to teach how to improve, and finally game up. He said I was jumping like a gorilla, with open stance, bent posture and loud landing noise. I remembered this because these days several people visit my entry about jumping rope I wrote 6 years ago. I graduate from my "gorilla jumping rope" by the time summer vacation of my first year ended. Before the vacation I was the worst but after the vacation I became able to jump rope the best of the classmates.

Because of heavy snow on Monday, sidewalks around our area have become narrow, bumpy and slippery. It was my mistake that I left my home in the morning the same time as I usually do. Usually I jog to station, but today I slipped many times from the left to the right, and from the right to the left and I almost stumbled a few times. I learned a lesson that on icy conditions, I may want to keep ahead of schedule when I go to work.

Annual medical checked ended without much problem except for 30 minutes train delay. The problem was after that. I hadn't eaten anything until the checkup ended, and when I was about to have lunch, I felt sick. "I was too hungry to eat anything." My eyelids and upper teeth were sore. I managed to eat a banana, a pack of orange juice and a piece of bread. In the afternoon, I slowed down the pace of my work. With help from co-workers, all work for day ended without problem. The reason of the pain at the lunchtime was from stresses of many different elements. These days I have been working at a pace a little bit faster pace than usual, and I feel tiredness about it. In addition, in the beginning of this week, public transportation I take was irregular, and I had to wait for a long in crowds. Major events in this week, the annual medical checkup and monthly meeting, may have worked badly as stress to me. Now, one of the major events ended, so I hope that my condit...

I think I'm doing relatively good at work. The problem is almost all energy is running out by the time I'm back home. Sometimes I feel I don't have so much energy to have a bath. Perhaps I need to learn pace control much more at work.

This is the heaviest snow in this winter. When I got up and turned on TV, Tokyo was in the middle of snow. Here in Sendai, snow was already piled more than 10 cm on the road. I started 20 minutes earlier than usual. Fortunately train delay was just a few minutes in the morning. Here, after work was a problem. I had to wait more than 30 minutes at the station. As some train was suspended, the train I road was always crowded, but I couldn't help smiling because at last train started. I have been taking commuting on trains for granted, but today I felt that how grateful I am that train runs.

How grateful I am to have a few people I can ask for help when my mental state is in danger! In the beginning of today's service, I was able to say the Prayer of the Lord, although I stammered a little bit at the beginning sound of almost all words. I was also able to keep in tune with the worship in the beginning. It seemed to be fine in the beginning, and through almost the end of the service. The problem was at lunch after the service. I found it hard to talk to someone. I hesitated to join in a conversation. I even found it hard to decide whether to eat lunch at church or eat out, because I was in a such danger in my mental state that I couldn't find any place to have a seat. Yes there were a few unoccupied seat for someone to sit, but I was out of place, so depressed that I was always downcast and even being afraid of being talked to. It was time to ask for help! Otherwise, I would have continued wandering from table to table, unable to decide whether I leave or I ...

Playing Touhou shooter game is one of my pastimes. Sometimes it is enough to play through safely with given stock (and extends) of players. Sometimes I feel like doing score attack. When I seek a high score, I have to take risky choices. I'm more likely to lose player stock compared to I'm playing with priority of safety. When I missed several times and have no possibility to get a high score, I may want to give up the game, but I don't feel like doing it. Today I switched to a safety play to get out of a pinch that I have no player stock at the stage 5 out of 6. Fortunately there were at least 4 times to increase player stock. I played carefully and patiently. Finally I made it with 2 player stacks in that game. High score is one of greatest joy of playing game, but getting out of tough situation is, if not so fantastic as high score, at least as exciting, even more exciting sometimes.

On holidays and weekends, I feel blue. At work I feel unexpectedly fine. I would like to regain the desire to want something or want to do sometime, and to feel again what I enjoy something from the bottom of my heart is like. Every morning and every evening, I feel much more sensitive to every day news, especially of disasters, even though I would like to hear a lot of news of hope. I'm also sensitive to puns, sometimes so funny and sometimes so trivial or irrelevant that I stumble whenever I hear some remarks with humor. My condition may not be so bad considering that around 6 to 7 years ago, when I was really pessimistic about finding a job and about living to became the age of 40. Still, I need to watch out for this instability of my mind.

It was train starting 5:45 p.m. I was on board 2 minutes before it started. When I got on it was already clammed. I put my backpack down for more passenger to ride. The train ran 2 stations. More than 10 passengers newly got on. I had to give up the hand strap I was grabbing to support myself. It ran 2 stations further. Several passenger was added. A few passengers had gotten off. I tried to count the number of people on my car of the train. I couldn't count exactly but there were at least more than 140 people on the car. Probably there were totally 600 people on the train. When the train arrived at the station I was to get off, I was really overdriven. As soon as I was unpacked, I began to walk home. Walking became jogging right away. I was too overdriven to slow down, and to feel how tired I would become after running.

Cracked corners of my mouse are sore. This is probably because of stress from anxiety, and cold and dry weather. My throat is also sore. This may be the beginning of cold, so I would like to go to sleep early before I spend a long time worrying about bad news I see on the Internet.

I began to read a book on javascript again. I need to implement a carousel on a website, and edit some javascript and css codes. I had lost a goal in the beginning of this year, but knowing about web programming little by little is fun.

Today is a holiday of "Coming of the Age". I was celebrated 20 years ago, when my mental state was one of the worst, but I would like to speak about it some days later. I spent the holiday of this year really slowly. I was hom all the day. One very good thing I felt today was that my mental pain is getting weaker and weaker. On Saturday I wanted to shout out loud or murmuring about suicide or some idea of death (I didn't believe that I really want to die, but sometime I feel so embarrassed suddenly, or sudden flashback storms me so severely, or I suffer from gloomy and cloudy vision about future of the Word or my feature so heavily that I couldn't help uttering something, something would be fine, and happened to utter these obsessive words of death). Even today, I feel a little bit heavy, but at least I have become calm enough to not shout out loud or suddenly utter these strange words. Sometimes, as time has passed by, I have lost so many opportunities and so ...

Did I teased at that time in junior high school? It was a scene on a veranda of the 3rd floor of the classroom. It was already about 26 years ago. At that time I was leaning on the handrail of the veranda. A dozen or two students was there and the rest of student was inside the classroom. A few girl addressed me smiling, and said "why aren't you going to commit suicide". It was a dangerous height, where if you had fallen from the veranda, you would have been seriously injured or even worse. At that time, I didn't feel so bad because some girls were talking to me with smile. It was 20 years later that they were just teasing me. I hadn't noticed until after I became 35 years old. I don't intend to blame those classmates, because I didn't feel so bad and there weren't any serious result from that. Sometimes teenagers can be innocently cruel just out of curiosity. I just doubting my capability about reading their intention, and lack of my per...

"What do you want now?" This afternoon I made question to myself. I answered "Sleep." I took a sleep of 10 hours, but this morning I felt that I wanted more. I was thinking of sleep during today's worship service, and talking to myself for a few minutes outside the chapel during a prayer inside. "I need to refrain from rash violent behavior, like turning a desk or a chair upside down. To keep my body upright, I need to weaken the tension of upper-left back, and then ...." Let's get back to the initial question. What I wanted to know was what "thing" I want. The material aspect rather than spiritual, mental or of action. What I want to eat for tomorrow lunch would be fine. I made this question because these days I perceive myself as indifferent to being want something. I tried to want something. I tried to want a hi-res audio system and music sources. Performances of jazz trios was fine and it gave me healing to some degree, but soo...

Every day, I hear news of terrorism and military actions. Years ago, I was in rage about them, because my friends valued peace. These days I even perceive myself being apathetic about these man-made disasters. I don't think it's good that taking a violent action showing my anger, but apathy about bad news is even worse. This may be one way for me to defend myself, preventing myself going mad, but it's shame that I have been also apathetic about the bright side of news in the world, in my country and in my region.

First work week of this year ended successfully. In the next few months, a lot of data to deal with is expected. Pace control is the key to maintain mental health. Also, taking a deep breath may help a lot, when I encounter overwhelming amount of information to deal with.

This year, I would like to post with "special for here". A photo of daily scene, and objects I see every day when I walk on a road or ride on a train may be special and interesting to some other people in the opposite side of the world. I have been too focused on my personality and haven't been aware of how special the things I see every day can be other people in somewhere in the world. This is one perspective I would like to obtain through this year's blogging.

To recover my motivation, I'm taking "early bird approach." I'm going to sleep an hour earlier than before. If I get up early, then I will have free time in the morning. If I get up at the time I usually do, still I will have a lot of sleep, helpful to a long sleeper like me to be mentally healthy.

I often play shooter games like Touhou Project. To get a good result from the games, self control is important. Especially the decision whether to use a bomb to clear a dangerous situation is important. Typically you can use 3 bombs for every life, and you have 3 lives in the beginning of the game. Lives and bombs may increase by your score or progress. If you miss you use the next life with 3 bombs. This means when you miss with 3 bomb stock, you lose all of them as well as the life, where as when you miss with no bomb, you have no bomb to lose and play with the next life with 3 bomb stock. A little while after I knew Touhou, I was taught that using a bomb at a situation you find it hard to get over or you find it risky, you are more likely to survive longer. Knowing that, getting over hard situation by myself is exciting, and tempting, often resulting in losing bombs, sometimes more than 4 bombs I had gotten a middle checkpoint of stage. How well I can use bombs in To...

Today I went skiing. This is the second skiing of this season. Considering the time I went skiing by the time new year holidays ended, I could have gone a few more time. This year, due to warm weather mountains have much less snow and the opening of skiing ground was put off until the end of year, although in a typical year some skiing grounds open in the beginning or in the middle of December. Before I went skiing I felt so heavy and mentally depressed that I thought "Do I really go skiing". I became even so pessimistic that I imagined accidents during skiing. After I went skiing I felt good and I became motivated for more skiing, and also motivated for the first work of the year.

I was depressed during new year's holidays. Fortunately, I'm recovering. One reason I feel bad during holiday is that I'm overwhelmed by texts of language learning I have gotten since I began to study for English certificate tests. Copies of past exams, practice tests, listening practice books, and word lists are all over my room. I guess this collection of texts weighs more than 100 kilograms, and 10 full cardboard boxes. Now I'm trying to scanning some of these texts then getting rid of them, but scanning takes unexpectedly so long time that the reduced amount of texts is two or three kilograms a month. I scan these texts because I'm not bold enough to totally give up learning material and at least I want to keep for myself as electric data, bitmap images. If I could figure out what is not important for my life ahead, it would be much easier to decide things I get rid of without scanning.

I'm thinking of what to do this year on/for this blog. What do I focus on and how do I write about the subject determined? Until I get picture of it, I'm thinking of continuing my current goal (last year and the year last) to post something every day.

The year 2016 started. It's a shame that sometimes I hesitate to say "happy" from the bottom of my heart, from my current mental state. Last few days, it took 2 to 3 more minutes for me to make a decision and take an action. Today, the church nearby had a new year's service. It was good to me that I managed to carry myself to where words from Lord is delivered, but I was greatly scared of people gathered there and scared of the sounds of the organ when worship song began. I wish I could talk with more people more friendlily, but in my current mental state, I can't follow the pace other people communicate and take actions. I need some rehabilitation to keep up with the pace other people do thing and talk one another.