A crisis to losing answer to "What do I want" - My Progresses 104

"What do you want now?" This afternoon I made question to myself.

I answered "Sleep." I took a sleep of 10 hours, but this morning I felt that I wanted more.
I was thinking of sleep during today's worship service, and talking to myself for a few minutes outside the chapel during a prayer inside. "I need to refrain from rash violent behavior, like turning a desk or a chair upside down. To keep my body upright, I need to weaken the tension of upper-left back, and then ...."

Let's get back to the initial question. What I wanted to know was what "thing" I want. The material aspect rather than spiritual, mental or of action. What I want to eat for tomorrow lunch would be fine. I made this question because these days I perceive myself as indifferent to being want something.

I tried to want something. I tried to want a hi-res audio system and music sources. Performances of jazz trios was fine and it gave me healing to some degree, but soon after I became kind of lost interest to audio.

Traveling somewhere would be fine. Having a journey to somewhere in northern Tohoku would be fine. It will be a trip of around 100 to 200 kilometers, but it's more than enough to me. The region I was brought up I feel is so vast if I want to visit everywhere I'm interested in.

Also, I may want to go to Osaka within my 40s. In the field trip of my high school, I went to Kyoto and other Kansai area, but not Osaka. A lot of dramas were created in Osaka, and in recent years a political party from Osaka was on stories of top News. Yesterday suddenly, when I saw Osaka Castle, I recalled that I haven't been to Osaka.

Being indifferent to what I want to do or what thing I want is a dangerous sign of my cognitive ability is being weakened rapidly. I know I can't always get what I want, but trying to want something sometimes give a big motivation to live the next minutes and tomorrow, and hopefully doing some good thing to other people.

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