Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I was running downhill as fast as possible, as if I had had to solve a real-time riddle in an episode of Zelda by Nintendo. This was another strange dream I had last night. Sometimes I have strange dreams where as if I were in a scene of a video game, having to cope with one danger after another.

I have strange dreams every night. It looks like that the quality of my sleep is not so high. Sometimes I have one in which I have to run at my top speed. I try to calm myself down at night so that I can have a good sleep. A month passed since my working environment changed. It's time for my condition to settle.

They are snow monsters I saw yesterday. I was at Zao Hot Spring, Yamagata yesterday and today, on a club skiing training camp.

I'm slow to do anything these days, especially preparation for the start for work, and anything I do in weekends. I'm thinking that I have to find better ways to cure my slowness from tiredness.

I think I'm doing well, but my skin and stomach are telling I'm tired. My skin itches with slightly burning pain once in while, and my stomach sore a few times in a day.

I have taken a half holiday, so now I'm home, at 10:30 a.m. I'm a bit frustrated about the citric acid supplement I got this morning. I ordered it, 30 packages because I thought it was bargain price. This morning the packet arrived, unpacked it. Is it this light, this small? I checked the description. 12 packages. No doubt it cost as low as 2,300 yen, while what I usually order at the price of 4,400 to 4,800 yen. It wasn't bargain price at all. In addition to that I had to pay shipment fee nearly 500 yen. When I viewed my order history, I ordered it from the product page of 30 packages. Probably the shop mistakenly posted information, failing to check the number, but it's also my mistake in that I thought that I can get the supplement of that quantity at such a low price. I'm convincing myself that I had to pay the tuition of nearly 1,000 yen, "be careful of too cheap entry when I buy thing on a shopping site on the Internet."

These days I listen to music rather than spoken English on my portable audio player. My mental state is such: Music > Language / Speech This looks like true when it come to I speak. I'm slow to speak, and perhaps I'd rather like sing or hum ....

The speaker selector I had ordered on Sunday arrived this evening. I wired it after supper. On it was screw terminal blocks. I had stripped too much insulation of the wires, I had to retry. It took 2 hours of work before the selector works. Now I can select the pair of speaker I assembled 3 years ago and another pair I did last November. Of course the latter is the better, but sometimes I miss the sound of my old pair.

In 2012 I posted this blog only once. I was in a middle of mental storms, overwhelmed by changes of my working environment along with expanding employment of people with disabilities. I began to compete in Abilympics (vocational skills competition for people with disabilities), prefectural competition, won the second place in web page creating. From that time I began to deal with web page matters for the company. Web page work was quite different from what we had been working on before. I had to make a plan myself and then report to the bosses. I also had to work longer when page layouts are different from what I intended, reviewing codes and looking up how HTML and CSS work. It was a new challenge. I was excited, but on the other hand I was worried because I could hardly see what would await me 3 days or 3 weeks ahead. I did not have extra energy to study English and do physical exercise. This was, I think, one reason why I could only once here in 2012.

It may not much about speeches and conversations, but it's time I would provide fruits from I have learned a language, English, for more than 20 years, and contacted with a lot of cases and thoughts about autistic spectrum disorder and mental illness. I'm thinking this way because I felt that I have already lived half-way through my life, and it's time to give what I can to people who had hard time because of being different, communication problems, and pains of mind because human relationships. There may not be a definite way where I can contribute. Can I help with computer and software? Can I help with science? Even though not now, this is my motivation to study further. Also, there is a possibility to help someone with pictures. I like to sketch thing. These days my sketch is so terrible that if you see my sketchbook you may think that it is horror pictures, although I don't intend to draw so but my skill is so poor. I continue this activity too, because I beli...

"Stop Missing the Experiences of Being Bullied!" Maybe I need this kind of advice to be somehow free from my frustration. Inside my mind is often a rough condition as though I were in a storm, and sometimes I'm tempted to put out my inside storm, like shouting out loud in public or jumping up and down in a railway station. It is as if I myself were bringing about a trouble that is near bullying and even I'm missing my experience of being a target of bullying.  (By the way it's not until now that my state mind has been that, "in real world there are train delays due to the storm, but the storm inside my mind hasn't been care enough.") My stormy mind may be real, but I need not cause trouble in real world, triggering a trouble with people passing by. I may have desire that someone would notice my stormy mind and that I need help, but my action runs in the opposite way, bringing about unsympathetic actions. Standing storms of my mind is enough! ...

I'm fine. In fact I'm too tired to answer otherwise. This morning I collapsed at the entrance of my local church surprised at its audio effect. I perceived it "an explosive sound". I failed to adjust my aural perception. When I sing out loud, it's O.K. I'm kind of fine. This is what I answered when I was invited to the office of a English teacher in university. I had made a scene in his class a year earlier, unable to adjust to the environment that English was spoken among students. My mental stability highly depended on communication and caring capability of my fellow students. When students speak a foreign language, not only I wasn't proficient with it, they weren't either, thus their caring and supporting facility would be lost. I was thinking that that was why I lost my control and suddenly panicked: I was feeling that "my fellows may not be able to support my mental stability because they had to speaking an unfamiliar language." - I...

In this early morning that was on sale again! I ordered a speaker selector at 5:30 a.m. today, before leaving for skiing. I have wanted to get one, but it looks like so popular that when I checked the shopping page, it was already sold out. I wanted get one before the point I got after I got a pair of ski pole would expire. When I got the point the selector was sold out. I was looking forward to its being on sale again. Last night it was still sold out. I was thinking that maybe the next week. Over a sleep I woke up at 5:20 a.m. I checked the product page. There wasn't no "sold out" mark any more. I ordered after it was really what I has wanted. I have two pairs of speakers. With this selector, I can switch speakers after the selector arrives and I cable the selector and speakers.

"I have a language, two or more, which is enough." This is a key to satisfaction of my everyday life I'm getting aware of. I prefer to enrich my languages by myself, looking up information about many things. Since I started this blog, I have obsessed about opportunities of having a conversation. Everybody tells me their objective of learning a foreign language is speaking fluently, having a nice conversation, and having a lot of friend over countries. The idea of learning language for the purpose of communication, especially speaking and conversation has made me rather unhappy, and I envied people who had a lot of such opportunities. This blog was born, 8 years ago, in the middle of such an envy, with a title "Green-eyed Clunker". In these months, I reflected on what I really enjoyed when I was a child or a teenager. Companies with my classmate sometime was enjoyable, but what I really enjoyed was reading catalogs of automobiles and trains, or science pict...

Pastime these days: Touhou Project The Embodiment of Scarlet Devil hard mode. Coffee: Instant coffees one is organic, another is organic and decaf, and the other Kreis. Sometimes I buy a cup at a convenience store and I get one at a Starbucks. Thought: Kind of dull. It's hard for me to think of something other than my work. Self-advocacy of developmental disability it is hard to spare energy for it.

I have just learned that rewriting posts of the past is good for growing audience. This is also good for SEO. This blog has been a diary blog so far. Rewriting old posts means rewriting my diary. Rewriting may not have the same effect of that of information sites, but it's still worthwhile in that I'm reviewing what I have expressed here and hopefully going to write better about same subjects I have taken up. ... Or by reviewing my thought and attitude, for at least a tenth of this blog mention my tiredness from my daily life. By reviewing, perhaps ,am I going to write otherwise through my daily life?

Preparation of things and mind. It's important to start for work. All things have to be prepared before I leave home for office. I have a time to prepare my mind after I leave home. On the train and on the way to the office.

It looks like to me that most people are able to feel society to adjust it. I try to analyze society to adjust. I use brain and repetition to adjust to it. I'm surprised to see 2-years-old kids I see at a local church look like that they are coordinating, although there are not many words. With every verbal and non-verbal behavior they make up society. This ability is what I have been thinking that I have lacked throughout my life so far, ending up failing to a part of society without a lot of assistance. (Actually thanks to a lot of helps, I'm allowed to become a part of society.) Probably the fact that I need a lot of help to make up myself as a part of society, which most people unconsciously are able to do, and many of them are able to do since they are little child.

Yesterday I couldn't jog because of the snowfall of the night before. I plowed the snow in front of home instead. I jogged a little bit more than 8 kilometers on Jan 29 and Feb 5. I would like to jog more than 10 kilometers in the first half of this week, on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I have just jogged 3.9 kilometers. There is still 6.1 kilometers to go in 2 days.

I shouted out aloud when I was singing a worship song. In the middle of the prayer, I suddenly uttered "All cars are no smoking. Please refrain from talking on the phone near the priority seat when crowded." I should have been refrain from uttering them. I continued, "The next station is ...... you can transfer hear to XYZ line." It was impossible for me to communicate that I'm in a mental distress." I was slow to do everything Sunday morning. Had I practiced skiing too hard? Maybe. Was I lonely? Maybe. I wasn't fast enough to keep up with tempo of the first 2 songs. I wasn't calm enough. I wore earplugs ...... actually I didn't wear ones, but I plugged my ears with my hands, buzzing and humming by myself at 11:00 a.m. I was drawing diagrams of theories of computer and operating system of a kind when the service was about to end. I shouted and mumbled incomprehensible things. I guess I sometimes looked less intelligent than two-year-old...

My second skiing in February was racing training. I went the mountain by bus, taking 2 pairs of ski, a pair of boots, protectors, and meals I eat in the mountain. I practiced GS in the morning and SL in the afternoon. I was equipped with my protectors in the afternoon training, but I didn't use them at all, because I couldn't get close to the poles enough to hit them, and my hand position was down and behind. The upside was that I got able to put my weight on my outside skis when I'm making turn, and I'm learning carving during my free skiing. I hope I will be able to do same quality of movement when I'm skiing in a giant slalom or slalom set.

The microwave oven I ordered on Wednesday has come, but not CDs I did on Tuesday haven't. In the beginning of this week, the microwave oven home was broken. It didn't run although I put in a cup of milk, close the door and turned the dial to switch on. When I tampered with the hinges of the door, the oven sometimes ran, but sometimes not. My parents was thinking of getting a new one when they go out for shopping, but the date of the bargain was far away. They seemed to checked the prices of ones but it looked like their prices were unexpectedly high. On Wednesday they decided to get a new one by Internet shopping. I ordered one on behalf of them. I was thinking "I ordered CDs yesterday, and it hasn't been shipped yet, so I may be getting the oven earlier than the CDs".

I was thinking whether my post will win myself in the future as a reader. When I read back a blog post I wrote at work, I thought that it could be better. Paragraphs in it were a bit too long and I couldn't get the point of each of them. In this way I couldn't satisfy myself as a reader in that blog post. Having said that, a message, even if it is for mysely, require a lot of energy to reflect on what I feel these days. When I'm tired, things I'm thinking recently get invisible, just like the sun and the sky hide over clouds. The cloud of tiredness, the cloud of shyness, and the cloud of lack of proficiency are preventing me from make my point clear. These three clouds suddenly appears in my mind, and is making me think that "why don't you make this the title of this post?" These clouds covering my thoughts are basically my stumbling blocks, but thinking about them sometimes accidentally enrich my post.

Low self esteem. I end up thinking that being a bully target is my typical position of the group I'm in, from the experiences of Elementary school. This has prevented me from building healthy relation with people I'm supposed to collaborate. Even now I'm fighting with this mental block of low self esteem. Light hallucination, hearing high-pitch cries, sirens, and bells that I know don't really sound and no one else hear. When I try tho think about things which I don't like, like news about bad and complicated relationship of human, society, and countries, my brain tends to be overloaded and begin to make high-pitched noise. When I'm unaware of this brain noise, I may cause behaviors problematic when I'm in public. Hypersensitive to sounds sometimes. I sometimes enter a chapel because the sound of piano and vocal is too loud. I wear earplugs and hop into the chapel in the beginning of a worship service. Suicidal thoughts sometimes. I explained in ...

Adjustment to working environment / mental health : 4 out of 10 Just going to office, do my work, go home and take a rest/sleep. Slow to have my pastime. Little energy left for doing chores or creativity.

My preference of coffee is one barometer of my mental health. A canned coffee, 130 yen for one, is expensive in a long run, comparing to premium instant coffee, 25 yen for a cup (Starbucks VIA is much more expensive, 88 to 130 yen for a cup). Years earlier, I had canned coffee 1-2 cans every day, but I shifted to instant coffee in December of the year before last. Still I miss canned coffee when I have to fight with added stress of change of my working environment, and I sometimes get one for a change.

I bid a used pair of leg protectors for slalom skiing for 4,000 yen including shipment. I thought new ones are a bit to expensive so I tried a new pair. As I put earlier posts, my skiing technique hasn't been up to the level that requires protectors in skiing in a slalom course, but getting these protectors give me a motivation to improve my skiing up to the level that requires protector for slalom races. I'm practicing short carving turns on easier slope for my next practice.

On Saturday the weather was good, but a bit windy. I enjoyed skiing in the day, and at night I'm dazed in front of my PC, not able to think of what to write. Writing here has been my obligation these 3 years. Sometimes I find it has been a good training to write in English, because I have to write something every day even if I'm not able to express very well in English. It has been only less than 10 posts, I think, among 1,000 post of 3 years, that I regard myself as having written an interesting posts. Actually I have experienced a few exciting events today, however I'm not able to describe any of them here partly because my lack of proficiency, partly because I'm shy and I give up, thinking that no English speak person would know that I had a chance to take a lesson from a famous skier around this area. I hope sometimes I will be able to break ice just like I have become able to carve the snow slope.

This week, with the change of my working environment I worked through. No particular moment was especially tough this week. When I'm home in the evening, however, I find myself almost blank, with my mind and body heavy, stiff, and rigid. I even hear sometimes sharp screams from my head and my mind. "This is critical period." I thought to myself. The first cup of coffee of the day become stronger one, to Starbucks VIA Italian Roast, Christmas Blend, or Tribute Blend, from Kreis's Royal Mountain Blend or Darbon Organic Mountain, with mild, smooth, gentle aroma which I really like when I'm in shape. These days, the instant coffees I usually drink are much too gentle to stand the big wave of stress. I also thought to myself, "This is Boss Rush of daily stress!" I recalled a scene of a shooter game in which the bosses I have beaten in earlier stages striking back one after another. As for stress, I have endured stresses in which I could shout out...

No wonder I hear cries in my head which don't really sound. I press my mind's voice at least 100 times a day.  "I'm going to die."  "It's bad to think that way."  "It's no use studying English here."  "It's no use hearing such a radio program for there are no one to share here."  "No one utter things in public." (Actually some people do. I'm a bit embarrassed, to be sure, but I'm not inclined to stop them, so probably my case isn't so bad either.)  "Mama, mamamamamamamamama......."  "I'm doing well in spite of all that." These are among my mind voices.  

In spite of some minor troubles, I'm doing well these days. My concern now is how to block "terrible noises" inside myself from accumulated stress. Relieving daily stress within the day is desirable, but I sometimes feel that I can't handle fully with these days. Recovering from mental fatigue day by day is the key to survive this period.