Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I bought a mousepad before I got on train home from work. This is for the office. Until recently the mouse I use at work worked comfortably directly on the desk, but these days, it doesn't work well directly on the desk, so I put a notebook on the desk and use the mouse on the notebook so that it work well. The notebook served as a role of a mousepad. I hope that the response of the mouse will improve with the mousepad I bought today. By the way, at home I use a bluetooth mouse. It work very well on my dusty desk. The only drawback is it use battery a lot. I have to replace batteries every three or four months.

Because of working for long time in front of a computer, my eyes often sore and are red. As for my shoulders, my hip, and my back, my condition isn't so bad. Even better than 10 years ago. 10 years ago, I had back pain. It was probably because I had wrote my thesis on my computer in a bad posture. Now, although I have to work on a computer for longer time, it isn't hard on my back and shoulders. It's probably because I work in a relatively good posture. As for my eyes, planned break and more care will be need to improve their condition.

These days, I've realized the importance of my first actions. My first actions decide the efficiency of my activities, my work and my studies. When I wake up I'm tempted to play a video game and in almost every morning I play ones. I'm thinking that if my first action were viewing a textbook or some other learning material, I'm more likely to learn things in the morning. Playing games may not bad as a pastime, but if I do things with keeping in mind the importance of my first actions, my productivity would improve a lot.

I almost sprained my right ankle. In the evening, when I go to the office from Sendai station, I went through an exit I seldom used, to go the way underground as long as possible, in order to shelter from the summer heat. When I went through the entrance, I suddenly fell down. I stumbled on an unexpected gap I didn't notice. That was a kind of sprain, but fortunately the pain is not so serious. Now I'm having a rest, instead of going out for walking or jogging as planned early in the morning.

Yesterday and today high temperature was 36 degrees Celsius. Around here is a little bit hotter than the central area of Sendai. News reported that rainy season was over. One or two days later than average. The beginning of the rainy season had been much later, so it was very short rainy season this year. There were only a few rainy days, but so fer I haven't heard about the shortage of water.

After I ate supper and had bath, I sat in front of my desk and looked at my laptop to check the Internet. Something was strange with my laptop. One key of my laptop was lost. Later it turned out to be the right Ctrl key. Fortunately in a few minutes I found the lost key and set it to the place where it should be. I was surprised that a key of a keyboard for a computer can be lost so easily. I thought that I should treat my laptop with more care.

I often listened to CBS News podcast while walking. When my condition is good, I understand some news. When my condition is bad, especially when I'm depressed or in despair, I may not understand what the news means, but still sounds and words of news impress me a lot. This makes me continue to listen to newscasts in foreign language.

I have had a small hope, although I may be tired from my daily life. I have a small hope on the magic of illustrating. By drawing over and over again, I may be able to learn how to draw an illustration better, and by modifying I may be able to draw every person much more handsome and gorgeous. A person may become ugly by aging or gaining weight, but in a sketch I have a hope to modify elements which make a person ugly, and replace with ones which would make much more beautiful.

When I was in university, I couldn't imagine that I was living after I became 30 years old. I was even giving up the life after the age 30. I was obsessed with the thought that I would have to make major contribution before then. Years after I graduated from university, without making much a contribution to my major. Due to my communication problem, there was little hope to find any job in a short period. At that time, I even had a difficulty to say my own name to my counselor. There was little hope, but anyway I unexpectedly continued to live. It's 10 years since then. I haven't done much in these years, but finally at least I have a job, which I despaired of 10 years ago. I may not have as much to tell these days as years ago, when I had little hope to start my career in a year of two and I really wanted to tell that I was in distress, and needed help and understanding of my disability and ability. Now I may not make much of my ability at work, and I may not have...

It looks like that I've overloaded myself at work. My mind is a little bit shaky. I sometimes feel like shouting out loud while I was heading for home. I had to make a great effort to control myself so that I wouldn't begin to cry out loud, and finally I'm home now. Maybe tonight I can't afford to worry about what to write for today, like yesterday I wasted about one and a half hours thinking of what to write for yesterday. If I had such a time, I might as well as to have a rest and have a good night sleep as much as and as long as possible.

Early in the morning on Monday and Tuesday I had scary dreams before I woke up. It's probably because it's so hot outside and in the room that I can't sleep well, although it isn't that I wake up many times in the midnight. In these dreams I experience many strange situation that I'm hardly likely to experience in my real life, and two of the situation I'm most likely in my scary dream is, that I'm driving a car (in my real life I seldom drive a car these days) and brake doesn't work no matter how hard I hit the brake, and that my car either fly or bump into water of a river or the sea.

Sometimes a TV program gives me stress. News about serious incidents or complicated political matters get me down. I know I have to keep tab on what's new and what's hot, and have a certain opinion for some of them. Probably I need to be interested in news when my condition isn't really bad. TV dramas are other stress sources. I've have enough to cope with communication and human relationships in real life, so I sometimes wonder that why people like to bother these fictional complicated relationships. I may have really low capacity to cope with human relationships, so low that I can't afford to be interested in these fictional relationships. Sometimes I think that I have double standard because I basically enjoy skids by characters of my favorite role-playing games.

I went to church today. I was really in distress because because of tiredness I was not able to keep up with the pace and follow the action normal people would do. In the beginning I said the prayer of the lord but I was only able to pronounce a series of meaningless sounds. I was very sleepy, uneasy, and everything I do was really slow. It was really, really hard to keep up with the speed normal people typically do in the church as well as in society. Even though going to church is an important part of my life, failing to keeping up with the pace of activities normal people do cause considerable amount of stress. It may be hard for most of people to imagine that the frustration they feel when they try to say something because the have something they want to tell, but they only say incomprehensible noise instead. As for me, I said this kind of nonsense although I want to tell something, and the results were miserable. Basically people I tried to address act as if I hadn't been...

This evening I saw members of the skiing club I'm in. Most of member who was present was really into skiing, and most of member had their goals. I wished I could have had a hot goal like them, but keeping myself in shape is my first priority.

Finally I'm home again. It's Friday evening. Last evening I was so tired that everything I did was slow. The only thing I did fast was I slept. At 9:30p.m. I was watching a video of a game play, but I was so slow that I fell asleep. Falling asleep I suspended my laptop on which I watched the video. This morning thing didn't change much. I woke up a few minutes to 5:00p.m. I was so drowsy that I play a game only a little while. I browsed newspaper, and took a nap a little bit until breakfast. I couldn't run fast this morning, so I had to start a few minutes faster than usual. If I had walk slowly as I wished, I would have miss the train. I jogged slowly, with my head shaking from right to left, and from left to right. I caught train. I opened my sketchbook. I read bible a little bit. But most of the time when I was on the train to work I was asleep. The step was heavy until I arrive at the office. At work, I did unexpectedly well. I even find myself fin...

After I finished work for today I suddenly slowed down. I couldn't start an action quickly, and it took time for me to start to speak, and put into words what I had in my mind. It looked like that things in my mind were really hard to come out. I thought that the first half of the week I was relatively fine. Today I did pretty well. I didn't feel bad when I came out of the office. After I get out of the train later, I found myself hard to walk fast. I walked fast, but with a great effort. I didn't think that I was tired. It was a little while after I arrived home. It was hard to say what I was thinking. I couldn't remember a word when I wanted to refer to something. When I arrived at my room I said something to myself, and thought that I wanted to lie on the bed for a long time instead of having supper. Maybe the next morning, things will be better.

Recently I had hard time with composing ideas into reports. To fight with this problem, I searched for information about composition in my own language. I visited some search result sites, and find myself not good at composition even in elementary school or junior high school level in my own language. My choice of vocabulary is sometimes childish. I had thought that I was intelligent and well educated because I graduate from university, but sometimes I fail to show my intellect in my writing by poor choice of words. Having a certain grade in given exams to graduate from a course is one thing, but seeking spontaneously to show myself really educated is quite different.

I make a lot of mistakes and incorrect answers at work and in my daily life. Thanks goodness that I haven't been taken my life yet. This way of thinking is one good way to fight with my anxiety.

These days, I play video games early in the morning. Years ago early in the morning I would exercise. Playing game too much may be lack of exercise these days. So I made a model plan to have an exercise and playing games early in the same morning. Here is a model plan. 4:40 a.m. : wake up 4:45 a.m. : drink a cup of water, change clothes 4:50 a.m. : start to jog or walk 5:00 a.m. : turn back 5:10 a.m. : arrive home 5:15 a.m. : let's play a game! 6:30 to 7:00 a.m. cleaning up a room, shaving, studying a little bit and preparing for work 7:30 a.m. : breakfast 8:10 a.m. : leave for for work 8:19 a.m. : ride the train at the station nearby I'm not sure when I wake up actually tomorrow. Perhaps tomorrow morning I may be too tired to wake up early and sleep just 10 minutes before breakfast, so let's be flexible, but the concept is playing games will become a reward for exercise, cleaning room or self-enlightenment.

Today it was 35 degrees Celsius. It was really hot and much hotter than last week. I think it was relatively dry, but I sweated much. I liked to play with a ball, but the heat prevented me from playing outside for a long time. The hot temperature is probably because of the effect of a typhoon far to the south. This time last week I was thinking whether I put my jacket on when I go to work. High temperatures in those days was a little bit lower than 25 degrees Celsius, some days were rainy and wet.

I walked about 3 kilometers. At 9:00 a.m. I visited a mental clinic. After I met with doctor, I took train home but I got off at the station 3 kilometers from home, to walk longer as an exercise. In the afternoon, I swam 1,700m. Basically I felt well but I had pain in my right wrist. It turned out no problem for swimming. I thought I was tired from office work on weekdays. Actually it's probably true that I'm mentally tired, and I was not so active in stating my feelings or opinions. This mental tiredness may affected on my body too and I didn't feel like walking and jogging for a long time in the morning or at night weekdays. I had a lot of exercise in this weekend because I may spend time at my own pace and especially I had a choice to have a rest and lie down on the bed if I wanted to, and I actually took a nap in the afternoon before I went to the pool.

At the lunchtime I was eager to write something for today's post. After I came home after work, I wasn't able to remember what I had wanted to talk about. More exactly, I didn't know right words for them, and I have lost the energy to tell about it. The only hope is that my tendency to utter negative and desperate words has been much relieved. I hope more hope to be interest in and talk about more things for coming weeks and coming month.

This evening I felt a little bit better than in the beginning of the week, so I took a walk, hoping that I would see fireflies, but I couldn't. Is it because it was a little bit cold, or dry? Was it too early? Or is it already out of season?

Today I'm talking a little bit about my obsessive behaviors. I check three to four times if there's something left on the train before I get off the train. Usually I'm the last passenger to get off the train when it arrives at Sendai station. Until last year, my obsessive behavior wasn't this bad, but in this year, obsessive behaviors are my main concern, as I somehow overcome panic and meltdown, and I rarely find myself in these behavioral problems. I'm thinking that my obsessive behaviors this year may be another form of panic, and an alternative to other problematic behaviors. My obsessive behaviors may just replaced my panic and meltdown, and I haven't overcome my panic totally.

I sometimes think that it would be wonderful if I could write something for a blog post when I have a seat on the train home, but I rarely write anything for a blog post. Today I came up with an idea which is one reason for that. I prefer drawing as stress coping. This is why I'm always thinking that I want to write something on a train but I rarely write anything for a blog post when I actually ride on one. Today before I ride on the train home I was thinking that I wanted to write something, but once on the train, I found myself drawing something on my sketchbook. Writing something sometimes help coping with stress, in that sorting out my ideas, but drawing something help me silently express something that I want to shout out loud.

I'm wondering whether my condition is good or bad today. In the morning I was so uneasy that sometimes I uttered that "I'm dying". Basically, I did work through and didn't have critical problem last week, but I had some problems with my skills and communications. I have to improve them if I want to give more relief to staff in my workplace. At the lunch time I was so sleepy that I didn't go out for a walk, as I usually do. Considering these things, I thought that my condition was very bad, but when I was released from the work for the day, I found myself easily jogging to the station, with my heavy bag with my notebooks and sketch books to write down my ideas. I didn't feel so hard standing on the crowded train home. In this respect my condition is relatively good. Probably there are good points and bad points in my condition right now, so I'd like to identify what is good and what is bad.

It's 8:30 p.m. A little bit ago I moved my body a little bit imagining movements of skiing. It's at least five month before the next ski season begins, but imagining skiing is one good way to forget about stress. By the way of wearing out the heels of my shoes also shows problems with my skiing. This gives a lot of information about how I support my weight with my legs and foot. Problems with my skiing is similar because legs and foot mainly support my weight too. I sometimes feel that my legs rotating or slanting inside or outside. Whether inside or outside varies by my condition. To cope with the problem I need to strengthen the core of my body, making it strong enough to keep it straight to the direction I want to go.

Just a few minutes ago I counted numbers while I was bathing. I counted down one by one from 13,669 to 13,400. I found two problems in my fluency, when counting. One problem is pronunciation. Today I found myself counting numbers relatively easily, with less effort, but there were some mistakes and difficulties in pronouncing particular sequence of sounds. The other problem is that sometimes I'm not sure what word comes next. Even counting number, which you find the order is obvious if you think a little bit more carefully, I sometimes stumbled because I was not sure what number comes next or I didn't really remember what was the very number I was counting. I think this problem is likely to happen from two reason. One reason is about grammar and the other is about vocabulary. Counting number is really simple and may be trivial in our speech, but even in this trivial language activity, we may find the most decisive fluency problem and hopefully find some helpful k...

Sometimes I almost forget about what the date today is. This make me excessive check on dates of necessary information at work. These day I often almost forget if I had bath the day before. On the other hand I seldom forget about what the day today is. Now I slightly doubt and become slightly uneasy imagining that I mistake Friday for some other day of week, but basically I seldom forget about it's Friday today. Thank goodness that still I seldom forget what the day today is, even though I sometimes lack confidence of what the date today.

Recently I have had two pairs of my shoes repaired. I wore one pair for two years and the other pair for one, and the heels of them were worn out. When I was walking I felt I was more likely to be tired than I first wore these shoes, so I thought about buying new pairs or have my current ones repaired. Finally I decided to have them repaired. After the heels repaired, although the bottoms of my foot sore a little bit, I also felt that I was less likely to be tired with the repaired shoes on. By the way the way your shoes wear out looks like to show your habit or problem with your walking. I visited several sites from the search results from "shoe heel". In my case heels are likely to ware out first, and more interestingly, the outer heel of my left foot is the most likely to wear out. Only my left foot. I strongly felt that the border between the repaired heel and the original heel of my repaired shoes. As for the heel of the right shoe, the line is about square to its...

Today the point is not to take a rash action. Go to sleep at some time anyway and let tomorrow come. Live tomorrow, and then I'll change my behavior if I'm well enough to stand.

These days, I have made small mistakes in communications at work. I think I am feel "a little bit bad" after I knew about these mistakes. But when walking in a street I sometimes utter the word "suicide". It is strange, but when I feel tired something like this sometimes happens to me. This is bad sign of my mental health. I "think" I don't want to commit suicide.  I don't really want to. At least I'm thinking that I want to live tomorrow and do better work than today. I may want to take better care of myself before I really come to want to "commit it".