Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

At the year end of 2016, I was inactive, down with a cold. The year 2016 was good in that I was healthy enough to work through it, and also I continued the habit of writing something here. What comes in 2017? I'm feeling urges from the group of adults with similar disorders like me. I'm feeling mental pressures from the urge to the group go forward, considering messages shared by some members. Of course I'm not personally attacked. In my view, it is really difficult to the organization go ahead without help of people of the different type of us. I think the nature of people with similar traits to mine is they are far too less interested in other people's needs and idea however hard they try to understand. We first need to be understood by our key persons who are good at listening to someone else's voices and empathize with them. I quite often feel that I'm really understand some other members' needs to put out a certain message. On the other han...

It's fortunate that my cold have gotten worse. My fever level in the morning is 36.9C. I hope I'm getting better in 2 or 3 days. By the time new year has begun.

My fever seemed to come down to normal, but actually have stayed in the level of around 37C. My hip joints still sore. I have no choice but staying lying on my bed most of the day and browse some web pages once in a while. I had planned to ski twice in this year since the beginning the holidays, but plan for this year have to be rescheduled. New year's skiing, it depends on my condition especially on my fever.

My fever came down to 36.9C in the morning from 38.5C last night. Until now at 6:00 a.m. my body temperature has been the same level. It is less likely that I have flu, but still I have to be careful enough not to chill my body, absorbed in reading articles on video games.

It looks like I had already caught a cold by yesterday afternoon. Even worse, it can be flu. In the morning, my fever was 36.5C, slightly higher than usual, and I had sore throat. I'm feverish with 38.5C after I came home from work, and 100 heart beats a minute. Now almost all my joints seem to sore. Tomorrow, I will go to hospital. Fortunately I'm off duty until January 5, but I'm worried if the hospital nearby will be open, and if I actually have flu.

If cold prevention is my priority, giving up posting everyday can be a choice to sleep early taking care of myself. In the morning I was fine, and it seemed to have been so throughout the day. Things changed in the afternoon. At 4:30 p.m. I suddenly lost my concentration. I was gradually becoming weak on the train home, feeling my every muscle and my throught slightly sore. I'm not really coughing, but my parents are. My throat isn't really sore so much that my voice change, but has a kind of "itchy" feeling in the back of it. I wondered it may be an early sign of cold. If I take a rest now, perhaps I will find myself driving away cold in its early, but I think this is only if I go to bed immediately, stopping thinking about what to post here.

I got two fluorescent lamps and 2 CDs on this Christmas day. These are what I got at an auction and ordered at Amazon. However I'm feeling that the arrival of these product as a Christmas present and I got another present. I was able to attend the worship service today and the party after the service with much less tension. I didn't need earplugs to "endure" piano sounds of worship songs, and even able to sing properly. Surprisingly I didn't panicked when I was at church. I attended the series of events 95% fully. I left during cleanup after the party, because I needed to take care of myself, but it was after most of the work had been done. My anxiety is that these days more and more people close to me has caught cold. I have got a lot of presents, but getting flu is unwelcome present.

33 sheets (124 pages) for a book on alternative set theory, my major in graduate school. 5 sheets for documents about skiing training sessions. 5 sheets for notes for reference books of foreign lanuages. 17 sheets for my recent receipts. Total 60 sheets for today so far. ...... Still 7 sheets left to scan. There is another 3 receipts at hand, and what will the last 4 sheets be? I finally achieved the goal by scanning 7 sheets of one of my recent sketchbooks. These are the holidays to celebrate that Christ was born, but also I secretly felt like to celebrate my achievement I had set in the beginning of this December to scan 1,000 sheets to clean up my room. Actually my room was still persistently in a mess. I would have to give up tens of thousands sheets of my old documents as they are in the printed form. However being able to dispose of pending documents and notes related to my major in graduate school help me step forward in cleaning up my room and my memory. By the ...

My goal set: scanning 1000 sheets of my old printed documents by Christmas. The process by yesterday: having scanned 700 sheets, and 300 sheets left to scan. The process today : scanning 233 sheets, 67 sheets still left and it's due tomorrow. The documents I scanned: handouts of math seminars, and a book by an adult with Asperger's syndrom.

I'm almost burnt out from year-end works of December. Sometimes some easy words are hard to say from tiredness and I'm embarrassed when it happens during a phone call, a meeting, and a report. This morning my scanning task advanced a lot. I scanned a book by the scenario writer of Dragon Quest. The book was published in 1988. I happened to scan 136 sheets and still have 300 sheets to scan to achieve my goal for Christmas. Another good thing, than number of sheets I scanned, is I finished this work before 7:20 a.m. Typically my scanning work finish around 7:30 a.m. and have to hurry to have breakfast, to leave home for work 8:09 a.m., getting on a train 8:19 a.m.

I scanned 59 sheets this morning. This was the workbook for the interview session of an English test. I am not good at having a conversation, so I failed many times in the interview test, until I finally passed 4 years after when I first passed the paper-based section of the test.

I took advantage of the half holiday this morning and scanned 129 sheets. It was a workbook for a French language test. 129 sheets for a workbook for a French language test. Its level was called 3rd grade, but 4th highest level. I took this test 14 years ago and passed it. Since then I seldom read back the worksheet. After I got to the age of 30 there was no chance to use the French language, and my obsession about this language since then got much weak than that of when I was in university, and much weaker than I had about the English language even though I have few people I can talk to. Anyway, my scanning has advanced much and now I have 571 more sheets to scan. [December 20] In the morning I scanned a book on Japanese brand-new sporty cars in the year 2000. I scanned 76 sheets, and I have 495 sheets to scan. I thought to myself, "16 years passed, and I've come to think 'A real car better than a sport car'."

This year I'm going to make it in keeping on posting here something every day. This means I'm going to post more than 365 posts in this year. I guess almost a third of my posts in this year refer to my sleep. Perhaps I have posted 100 articles about my sleep in this year. I'm so much concerned about my condition and so much concerned about problems with my sleep. This time too I can't take next action and moving to and fro web pages sitting in front of my laptop. I was thinking of what to write today, thinking "writing about my sleep again?". Perhaps I'm always thinking about having sleep when I'm able to work on this edit page, typically either right after I'm back from work or after I have supper. "The next task is having a lot of quality sleep, but I have a task of post here for today." In this way, probably, my blog topic typically become about my sleep.

Finally I can sit and relax for next 18 hours, after all work has been over for this weekend. On Thursday, preparing PowerPoint for the meeting. On Friday, meeting. On Saturday and Sunday training session for ski instructors. Today I was almost mentally wreck, shouting out loud, panicked and needed a lot of drinkable water. For some time I manged to behave and enjoy skiing. I was totally out of place in the session in that I have several mental dysfunctions and needed myself someone to mentally support me, and I was no problem in that I understand and demonstrate basic techniques for teaching someone skiing. The mental load for me in the session isn't small. I almost forget what to say and much vocabulary to tell how's it going. I know I need 1.5 time sleep of my usual one after such a mental wreck, to go to work on Monday with smile. It's fortunate that Monday morning will be a half holiday and I have a chance to recover from this mentally drained condition. It is...

At 7:20 P.M. today I scanned 60 sheets. 640 sheets to scan by Christmas! Some of my past lecture notebooks were interesting. I took these notes around 2002. I was surprised that I then took notes with beautiful and tidy letters, which is I think not characteristic of me. Somewhere my handwriting got so rough that I can't read. Some words was masked with a black marking pen . They were the name of a girl who was one of the classmates and she told me that ...... I blushed when I read the word under the marker. My goal of scanning documents and sketchbooks hasn't much advanced yet. The priority of scanning was put lower level than preparing for monthly meeting and skiing training. Having plenty of sleep is also higher priority. This evening it look like I can make 30 minutes to scan. With this time I will probably able to scan more than sheets. The problem is what to give up as paper version and choose to PDF files.

"Monster surprised you." I suddenly uttered in the middle of the skiing teaching method training. This is a message I often saw when I played Wizardry series when I was a teenager. Horii Yuuji, famous for the scenario writer of Dragon Quest series, also put this message in the 3D maze of his earlier work "The Portopia Serial Murder Case", paying homage to Wizardly. But why during skiing lesson did I uttered this message? Is this another version of flashback, although it wasn't unpleasant, in order to relieve my tense mood to cope with a duty even though skiing was a pleasant thing. A few tiny monsters of petty flashback and trivial riddle actually surprised me a bit.

Skiing anxieties I feel recent year in the beginning of the winter It is not about whether I can ski or not. In the first few years since I began skiing, I felt this exact anxiety. The fear I feel now is about the equipments. Aren't there something missing when it comes to the time when I'm at the mountain and about to ski? This is the same kind of worry I feel every day whenever I go to work and leave offs after I finish the work of the day.

Agenda and PowerPoint: done Especially it was thanks to today's small amount of my regular work that I completed my PowerPoint. The next climax will be the meeting tomorrow afternoon. The third: skiing on Saturday, and the fourth, skiing on Sunday. Climaxes one after another. Every morning I'm thinking about survival. It probably will happen on Monday or Tuesday morning.

Minimum task for today. Going to the office without delay. No time for cleaning up my room, studying and relaxation music. I have breakfast and change clothes. It was raining outside in the morning, and is expected to turn into snow. Physical and mental safety is my first priority today. Work comes next, and learning comes next.

"It was a torture." If I try to describe the state of mind when I was taking a class in university in my first 3 years. Mathematical formulas and equations flew hear and there on the blackboard. I didn't understand even a word what the teacher said. Students were sitting and strenuously taking notes during that 90 minutes. I couldn't. I sometimes cried and shouted and got away from the classroom. I was even collapsed on one day in May of the first year, and was taken to a psychiatrist. My major was mathematics in university. I didn't study calculus in high school. I wasn't in science course then. I took art and letter course in high school, hoping to enter a law school and become a lawyer. Then I suddenly felt that it was shame that I can't understand calculus formulas science students study. I learned calculus by myself outside classes. "As you all learned in high school, ..." a teacher said. "I did, but never in high school...

Skiing on the next Saturday and Sunday. A training session for instructors. I enjoy skiing, but for this time, anxiety is overwhelming. There won't be enough time on Sunday to rest and prepare for Monday's work. I took a half holiday on Monday, but I'm still worried if my tiredness wouldn't affect my work. 8 days later, probably my anxiety will disappear. I'm looking forward to this.

104 scans on Sunday. 734 sheets, and 14 days left. 1000 scans (5) A sketchbook: 57 sheets A mook about writing: 47 sheets. Task other than scanning. Receiving a pair of skis I had had tuned. Waxing another pair of skis.

"Unexpectedly tired in this week", I answered. "There were unexpectedly many events and task to do in the beginning of December, and by Friday morning I had been exhausted." The doctor told me that having a rest is important when tired. 9:30 a.m. : Went to a mental clinic, and had conversation shown on the top of the post. 10:00 a.m. : Went to Sendai to do some tasks. 10:30 a.m. : Bought a 100g bottle of instant coffee because it was special discount. 10:45 a.m. : I got a medical lip cream, which was also on discount. 10:50 a.m. : I went to a shop to have the heel of my shoes repaired. 11:35 a.m. : Road the train for Ayashi.

Dec 9: 28 Dec 8: 41 Total by now: 142 sheets Left: 838 sheets

3 hours ago I had a wonderful idea, and I was thinking that that was the perfect subject of today's blog post. By the time I got home I had forgotten what was the idea, just remembering the fact that I had had a wonderful idea for my blog post. My productivity at this time sharply decline from that of the afternoon, and it's really hard to "reproduce" "that wonderful idea."

I appreciate their courage. This motivate me to continue writing daily in the English language on this blog. Some members of the blog community I'm a member of began to blog in English. This community is for middle-aged Japanese who learn English. Blogs by some of the members may not be well-written, but still it's worth while reading at least for me, because it encourage me as much as, perhaps more than, the posts about how to write in your second language. I have been thinking what value this blog can give. For the time of being I'm only able to write daily matters, especially my problems, stress tiredness of my daily life.  

More sleep. I want. Although I've got the best sleep in these weeks. My sleep last night was not bad. I turned in before 9:30 p.m. I didn't have a bad dream. I woke up 6:00 a.m. However I still want more sleep. I hope it won't happen in the afternoon when I'm at work.

* Dec 6: 31 sheets  Sketchbook: 11  Information about Abilympics : 20 Total by now 104 sheets, 896sheets left ================================== * Dec 5: 54 sheets  Receipts: 15  Sketchbook: 34  Information about Abilympics : 5 Total by now: 73 sheets >Sheets I have scanned: > > November 29 morning: 15 > > Nov. 30 morning: 4 > > total by now: 19 > > rest of sheets 981 > > rest of days 26

My main browser at home is Pale Moon Browser. Recently it has been upgraded to version 27. This upgrade has so drastic changes that I have to suffer a few inconveniences. I can't fully use Yahoo Japan and Google without editing user agent setting. In addition to that, I can't view PDF files directly on the browser. (This is not critical at home because I don't view PDF files so frequently as I do at work.) On the other hand some shortcomings of it has been improved. Some sites which didn't work properly now work on Pale Moon. Now I can post entries on Facebook, and fully use LingQ. I prefer to use Pale Moon because its user interface is the older version of Firefox, which I had been familiar with, and support silverlight to use latlonglab to look up terrain of my bicycling course. Google chrome is the best for web developer use, with its convenient debugging tools. 

I went to Akiu hot spring area with the fellows of the meeting of people with developmental disabilities. It was a good holiday to forget about tiredness from work and stress of the city.

New speaker I assembled last Saturday was awesome!! My CDs I have long forgotten more than 10 years has been revived. Instruments and vocals sounded much more lively than ever before. I also ordered a few used CDs I'm interested in. The main playback environment is my old laptop with new usb dac which arrived today, I had gotten through an auction. PC: Toshiba dynabook AX/740LS CPU Celeron M 360J  OS: Centos 6.8 (Previously Windows XP but I gave up it after its end of support.)  Main audio player: Audacious 3.2 (I wanted newer version to meet more various sampling rate needs, but on this OS this looks like to be the newest version available.) USB DAC: Fostex PC100USB-HR (44.1khz/48khz/88.2khz/96khz)  Amplifier: Lepai LP-2020+  Speakers: Fostex FE83-Sol (Enclosures: Yoshimoto Cabinet DB-80SS Side Slit Enclosure)  (Previous and sub speakers: Fostex P800K with enclosures Fostex P800-e) Some setting could be better, but I hear incredibly lively sou...

At this time of day, finished the work for today, arrived home and about to have supper, I'm in a tired and hurry mood. Usually I write a post in a few minutes of that period. Probably this period of the day may be the least productive time in the day, and it may be the time I want to spend much more slowly.

Yesterday evening I attended a meeting for adults with developmental disabilities. That time members shared how to cope with stress. Members attending yesterday's meeting were likely to prefer meeting people with same hobby or same kind of disabilities. Unfortunately I couldn't agree their preference from the heart, in terms of coping with stress and tiredness. I would rather prefer exercising alone, such as walking or bicycling traveling all by myself, because my stress is mainly from my extremely limited capacity of coping with amount of communications, numbers of occasions to meet people, as well as handling complicated real time business communications. It was good to share diverse ideas of stress coping from diverse participant though with same kind of disabilities. And at the same time, unfortunately, I perceive that even this kind of meeting with my kindred in terms of the autism spectrum can be another source of stress.