Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Sheets I have scanned:  November 29 morning: 15  Nov. 30 morning: 4  total by now: 19  rest of sheets 981  rest of days 26

I felt empty by the time I arrived at the station near home. I swung fore and aft in strange posture. I leaned forward, I bent backward, then my body was lifted upward by my arms shrunk with distress. After I got off the train the stairs up to the overpass on the Senzan Line looked like a wall. Is this rock climbing to get across this railway? I thought I have been O.K. and relatively physically and mentally in shape. Actually now except that I'm exhausted by that stress, I don't feel so bad. Probably a series of stressful events on the train make me exhausted to that empty.

In order to clean up my room, reducing the amount of paper in it is critical. To dispose of unimportant paper, I scan it and convert it to digital data. I set the goal 1000 scanning by Christmas of this year.

Gasp! This is when I was set to write something, 2 hours after annual training session for skiing instructors. I, on the autism spectrum, with mental illness and with little acquaintance, was totally out of place. One thing good for me was that the course went on ahead schedule and dismissed 1 year earlier. Of course I enjoy skiing, but these years I'm feeling that I totally lack the skills and the aptitude to communicate how fun skiing is.

Finished speaker craft today. Speaker units: Fostex FE83-sol Enclosure: Yoshimoto Cabinet DB-80SS Side Slit Enclosure Kit Coated polyurethane 6 times, sanded before each coating, first with #180, then #320, #600, #1000, and finally #2000. Finally the surface become much smoother, but I couldn't go so far as to finish with mirror surface. It was not until then I attached terminals and speaker units. It took less than an hour, in contrast that I had to wait 6 days after the speaker units arrived, and 4 days after the enclosure kit arrived. I lost no time in listening to music with the speakers. I connected them to the amplifier, and play several musics. Vocal, piano, and many instruments were amazing. They sounded much vivider and warmer. Tomorrow I have to attend a training course for skiing instructors. I have no time to enjoy music tomorrow. That's too bad.

Coating speaker enclosure with water-based polyurethane. At first I was planning attach the speaker without painting, and if I want surface decoration, I was planning to use texture seals. Then I got advice that coating making sound better, so I decided to coat the enclosures. Since it was early winter, and I wanted to work inside my room, I chose water-based polyurethane. Now I'm on the second coating. After coating four or five times, I will attach the terminals and the speaker units to the enclosures. Then it will be time to enjoy new DIW sound!!

The monthly member meeting for this week, biggest task for this week is now over. I feel great but at the same time I'm gradually feeling tiredness. Sleep for this night may be the key to work through without any trouble.

6:20 A.M. Began to assemble a speaker enclosure I had ordered the kit of. 8:00 A.M. Contacted to the manufacturer of the enclosure kit, because I got wrong connection wires. 9:00 A.M. Went to Ichinoseki city to buy apples with my parents. 3:00 P.M. I got home and dripped 3 cups of coffee. 3:30 P.M. I assembled the rest of the pair of the speaker enclosure. 4:00 P.M. I went to a DIY store to solve, hoping to solve speaker wire problem by myself. I also looked for varnish to coat the enclosures. 4:30 P.M. I was relieved and glad that I got the reply from the manufacture of the enclosure. The right cables will arrive in 2-3 days.

Movements of my tongue are the key to pronunciation, especially of English words. I need to systemize movements to make sounds like a native speaker. On the other hand, I haven't systemized my tongue's movements when I acquire my mother tongue Japanese. It's not until I want to speak like a native English speaker that I'm conscious of movements of my tongue. Perhaps I would be able to make same sounds like a native speaker, but this systemized theory is too far from the feel of a native speaker. I haven't thought systems of pronunciation whenever I speak Japanese, either.

"I want 100 meter farther." I thought to myself when I jog in front of the gate of a junior high school nearby. My body had gotten warmed up by the time 10 minutes after I started jogging from home after supper. In the beginning my body was so heavy that I was reluctant to jog long. I had to return several hundred meters anyway if I had wanted to give up jogging then. I went on jogging, thinking jogging in a fair pace is good for forgetting about stress in the city and on the train. After I finished jogging, I measured the distance I jogged on a map. It summed up a little more than 2 kilometer. It is likely to take this distance for me to feel I'm beating stress. It take about 20 to 30 minutes for me to perceive jogging as pastime and a means to beat stress, rather than an ordeal.

I tried to use the TV in my room as a PC display, getting mini D-Sub cable. I couldn't comfortable view the display on the TV, because resolution is 1024 x 768 and its aspect ratio is incorrect. I decided that I continue to use the screen of the old laptop instead of using the TV screen. I may be going to use the mini D-Sub cable, when I got a better PC screen.

I ordered a pair of speaker units and enclosures craft kit. Hoping to arrange hi-res audio playback environment, I installed Linux on my old laptop. I'm going to purchase and connect USB-DAC to it. In the laptop Ubuntu had been already installed, but it was too heavy on it, so I got rid of it and installed CentOS. Wireless internet connection was unstable even after I shut down IPv6 configurations, and I haven't established MP3 playback environments (it look like GStreamer is the key, but I haven't found the right path for my environment). I also could want test web server settings to get more familiar with web servers apart from XAMPP. I'm going to use this old laptop as sub PC, music player, and test web server for the time being, however I plan to get a new, low-cost, low-energy-consumption, and low-heat (power is lower priority) in a year if I get along with the Linux PC. Working on an operating thing make me forget about time passing, so I want to be careful more a...

Arranging things and data in my room is what I'm really poor at. This is also a bottleneck as a computer engineer. Acquiring the habit of arranging things and data is the key for me to grow as a computer engineer.

Considering contents on it, this is one of bottom blogs. However why am I obsessed with writing something English every day? I know there is little hope of a dramatic change in my human relationships unless I begin to take much bolder actions. Status quo is no better than speaking to myself in English. It appears to be meaningless, however I can't stop none the less. Why don't I stop learning English even if I have no plan to communicate anyone in it? One of the reason is learning English has become my obsession, having little to do with English as a communication tool. It began when English was one of compulsory subjects as well as Japanese, math, and science. Keeping up with this obsession with English, perhaps the time may come that I would like to talk to someone or I would like to travel abroad.

I sweated hard suddenly, after my right back began to convulse. The train was at a stop, waiting for the oncoming train. The panic came so suddenly that I couldn't fully behave. It got suddenly much hotter and I took off my coat. Fortunately I managed to get of the station near home, but I had to take extra two minutes to put my coat again before I headed for home.

Little progress has made in my conversation skill since I entered university more than 20 years ago. I tried to enjoy conversations, and enjoyed them for several times, but in most cases I ended up getting frustrated because I couldn't enjoy enough. This has made me more seclusive, finding myself more comfortable with minimum communication to do my daily work. Most English learners, it appears to me , focus on conversation, setting their goals to being able to speak fluently, enjoy conversations, and live funner life. As for me, I may want to seek more fluency in both Japanese and English, however I'm often reluctant because added fluency overwhelm my capacity of communication. Communication capacity as well as fluency is what I lack in my daily communication, however typical communication lessons don't focus on communication fluency. Maybe I need to look for a way to improve my communication capacity or to get along with little communication capacity and enjoy ...

On Saturday and Sunday was full of panic although it was sunny and warm weekend. I was a little bit worried about coming weekdays. It appears to be O.K. after I work through Monday. There are still 4 days left, however my worry has gotten much weakened.

Today I was collapsed from panic 30 minutes after the Sunday service ended. I couldn't handle inputs from outside and I hesitated to talk to a person who I usually talked to when I was panicked because she looked very busy. It was a shame that I was panicked 2 days consecutively. Yesterday, I was panicked at a ramen shop because my order arrived at the same time I was asked to move my seat. I couldn't tell if I can begin to eat after I moved. A few minutes later my panic was settled after I told about my panic. These events reminded me the difficulties I meet in my daily life.

I visited a mental clinic today. It was much hotter than in the middle of this week. I walked from the clinic, viewing autumn color along the road and river. Regretfully the only camera I had was that of my Kindle, with the lens only on the front and very poor resolution, I had hard time with taking pictures of red and yellow leaves of the trees. If I had a better camera I would enjoy the view more.

When I visited a psychiatrist for the first time at the age of 18, doubting if I was schizophrenia I was told that I was not, and instead the doctor said that I have traits of autism. Then he introduced me a book by Donna Williams Nobody Nowhere . At that time I didn't understand how I was like her. I had no idea that making up characters like Carol and Willy to mask my personality. Years later, I have acquired skill to become slightly more sociable, and behave slightly better in business situations. At some time recently I notice that these skills are somehow incompatible with my crude personality, curious about every shape and meaning at hand. When I try to be sociable it looks like that I'm playing a different character from my crude self. It was only a few days before I have noticed that this is a similar way that Donna invented personalities like Carol and Willie.

Wrong thought 2: There is no place for me. I'm not good at communication and have little contact, so I have few place where I can spend time comfortably. However at least I have home to live in and workplace at which I work. "There is no tomorrow, and there is no place", I hear some echoes like that, but these are wrong thought I have to fight against.

Wrong thought: There is no tomorrow for this blog. The fact: I have done little in this blog, but tomorrow will come, and no one can predict that what I am posting 5 years or 10 years later. I reminded this because I am almost being obsessed with the wrong thought I stated at the first of this post, and almost utter. I'm also thinking about speech therapy. I took a speech therapy when I was in elementary school. I had no idea that I had a problem with my speech and my communication. When I record my voice and listen to it, I realize that there is a problem.

2 days after the race, I'm a little bit feverish and heavy. Now that I'm home, it's time to have a rest not to catch a real cold.

After the race I'm basically fine, except for severe muscle soreness of my legs and occasional heart uneasiness. I'm watching carefully my condition, having plenty of rest.

On the first Sunday in November I participate in a road race in recent years. Last year and the year before the last, I went on a Kakuda event, and this year I went on an Ishinomaki event. I ran 10 kilometers and my time was 50'51. It was for the fast time I ran a road race with my friends. It's fun to participate in a road race even all by myself, but it's much funner to participate in one with friends.

Are you OK? I heard a voice from English teacher. It happened when I was at English conversation class of university. Students made pairs to practice conversations. In that pair session, I was frozen. I lost my voice and I limped, even collapsed. I had already known more than 3,000 English word through preparation for entrance exams, however I was at a loss what to do when it comes to speak with someone else. At that time, around the year 1995, I hadn't realized that I managed to make conversation with my fellow students because I was helped by them with communication. It was no wonder that I can't make a conversation even though I know relatively large vocabulary because I couldn't expect on substantial help, because the student I was supposed to talk didn't go so far as to know how to help a person in a foreign language. It was not until almost 20 years later then that whether I can communicate greatly depend on assistance from people I talk to, not only in E...

This morning I forgot my ballpoint pens in the pockets of my shirt. I had prepared a spear pen in my workplace, so there was no problem with my work today, but I realized again that how much I depend on my pens and sketchbook as a means of my stress relief. Having said that, I found another way to spend my time on the train to and from work. I read books I was away from for month on my Kindle, thinking that there are another way for spend time and relieve my stress and anxiety.

The pleasure when a code I first typed ran after correction of a few errors, this is the motivation I'm still learning computer programming. To increase this pleasure, it is import to spend time with typing and reading program codes as many as possible.

What's next right after I got home? Probably supper, and I may want to turn on the heater in my room. Instead, however, I sat in front of my desk, doing nothing for 5 minutes, but checking some Yahoo! news items. What's next? What to do next? What to say next? Probably this is what I make me want to shout out loud about.

After the holidays for the skills competition, it was already cold outside, but the workplace was heart-warming. I had rather a lot of workload today, but I got over with a warm help from the staff in the workplace. I could have done detailed reports of the competition for the workplace, but I'm going to do later some time in this week, if I managed to make time.