Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

In the latter half of the week I had to cope with flashback. I have forgotten any flashback for months, but it looks like that a small event still can trigger a flashback. I may have to come to good terms with flashbacks and my nature in which small events can easily trigger a flashback. Today I went on swimming and exercised hoping that my flashback would let up. Now I feel slightly better. I hope I will feel much better by next Monday.

Don't Take It More Seriously Than You Have To This is what I have been saying to myself repeatedly in the recent 3 minutes to cope with the stress remembering the fault I made at work. Before I arrive home, I thought and said many ideas, good and bad, to myself. It hurt when I cope with stress from my fault, which make me think lot of things to fight against and find relief from the stress. After all, I reached the final idea when I arrived home and about to write this post.

I'm looking for a bag to carry things when I go to work. I found a few items which are backpack type and go with business suit. I checked two items I'm most likely to choose. Checked dimensions so that I can hold one comfortably on my lap when I have a seat on the train, and checked spaces to see if the items I like to take with me when I go to work including my sketchbook on which I sketch when I'm stressed, and my vacuum flask to make soluble coffee as well as things essential for work.

Today at work I was OK. In the morning I was almost wreck, so I was greatly relieved. I'm home now again, and I'm so weary that it takes really long time to shift to the next action. As a result, I'm viewing Internet news sites one after another although I prefer to playing video games. It seem to take a little bit more energy to even play video games. Maybe listening to game musics may take little energy and one feasible option of what I'm going to do next.

From the beginning of this week, my obsessive behavior got much worse than weeks ago. This morning when I left the train, I checked 40 times the seat if I didn't left something on and around it. Is it due to hidden mental stress I couldn't notice last week?

I think I'm doing well, especially with mental management, at work and at home, for a person who suffers mental disorder. Yet, sometimes I feel lack of energy after I finish the work of the day and on the train home. I make quite a lot of facial expressions and sometimes I flip my hands. Usually I'm patient enough not to cry out loud, (but sometimes I do silently ), but sometimes I make sound a little unable to cope with anxieties or flashbacks. Once in a while I think that I could be better, but I also think that this is what I'm doing well with mental disorder is like.

This morning I went a vote for prefectural assembly. Before I went to vote, I took a little more walk. A few old cars I saw on the bus from hot spring motivated me to walk more. Old cars war in front of a house in a residential area on a hill 3 kilometers from home. This time they were, Nissan Sunny B210, models of middle 1970s. Because it had round shape and I liked, (and like even now) straight and horizontal shape, I didn't like the model very much. Probably it's nostalgic point of view, but 30 years later after I saw many car of that model when I was a child, this shape wasn't so bad. I was also surprised that it looked even smaller than a contemporary k-car parked side by side with cars of more than 40 years ago. Actually width is almost the same, and the k-car is much shorter in length, but as to room space I guess k-car has much larger one. Now let's turn back to the election, I struggled to find clue to find out who to vote, for it was only dealt with loca...

I took a walk for Akiu-Onsen Hot Spring. The hot spring area was almost 10 kilometer from home, so it was an ideal target for exercise walking. These days, forests on the way was in autumn color, which motivated me even more. I took a walk to the hot spring area, bathed at the public bath, and took bus home. Today's walk gave me a great chance to use my camera for the first time in months. The last time I took my camera with me was, if my memory serves this year's May or June. This is a public bath in Akiu-Onsen Hot spring It's much hotter than the bath I have at home. This is a bridge into the hot spring area.  

Today I updated anti-virus software. Sometimes it takes hours and several reboots to apply security updates. It's fortunate that it's Friday evening and I don't need to hurry. I also updated my main web browser, but I haven't been informed of Windows Monthly Update by the OS. Of course I click the "update" button to modify this blog post, although the button is "publish" when I first publish a post instead of the "update" button.

I'm thinking that I love cars, but cars as data instead of real things which I would drive. Although I hope I will be able to drive again, for I have been away from driving because my mental state hadn't good enough until a few years ago and have been too busy to drive, now it's time to enjoy cars as data.

It does not refer to Solid-State Drive here, although I wish I had one instead of my hard drive. It, "Short Slow Distance", is kind of a pun, modifying the word "Long Slow Distance", slow and long jogging over a long time. Some say that "how slow" is important. Some people jog in a speed so that most walking people can overtake the joggers. According to them, jogging this slowly helps improve your performance in long distance running and actually make you able to run a long distance faster. So I wished that I could have jogging longer, but time and tiredness didn't permit me to do so. Jogging extremely slowly only a few hundred meters in about five minutes, I said to myself, "This is SSD instead of LSD, Long Slow Distance, because I could afford to run only less than a kilometer and still it takes me more than 10 minutes." Of course, I know better than to believe this term does make any sense, but this is how my mind and body turned out...

At work I believe I did well today, but the problem was on the way home. I made a few mistakes and also encounters a few stressful situation. When I got off the train I had no choice but walk in a odd way, feeling that I was almost crying out loud from the stress. I also almost sprained. Overall, my way of thinking has become much more positive than when I entered my current workplace, but even now there are times I'm almost going to mad out of stress. Well, one way out of stress may be not to take these stressful things too seriously and to have a rest as long as possible, and as good quality as possible.

My memory is becoming a little bit weaker, but in a fortunate way. It take a lot of effort to recall stressful experiences when I was in elementary school. At first I'm worried about this tendency, but years later I realized that my memory getting weaker is contributing to my mental stability. Another way I find it fortunate about changes in my memory is that I remember automobiles and railroad cars when I was a child. The memory is even enhanced because some of resources of information of these cars are available mainly on the Internet. In this way, I still enjoy what my memory provide me with.

I got Atelier Marie, the first game of Atelier Series, and this is the fifth Atelier Series game I played. I got the game in PlayStation Game Archives in the beginning of last week, hoping that it would be a good pastime, just I had done with Atelier Elie, the Second Atelier Series game one month ago. In Atelier Elie, I reached many endings of higher rank, and by chance I viewed a video of BGM of the first Atelier Series game. The musics was unexpectedly fine. It was so fine that it made me want to play the game myself, not just getting the soundtrack. Since, before I play Atelier Marie, I have played four other Atelier Series games, I have had how to behave as an alchemist in a game of this kind. The games I played before I play this game was, Atelier Rorona, Atelier Totori, Atelier Meruru (these three games runs on PlayStation 3), and Atelier Elie (which runs on PlayStation 1 but available in PlayStation Game Archives). When I played these atelier games, the first game play o...

I'm thinking of my focus when it comes to I tell something on the Web. One thing I've come up with is stress issues. I have had to fight with stress since I entered elementary school when I was at the age of 6, almost 35 years ago. I've been fighting with stress from tension of human relationships and troubles from behavioral changes from stress ever since. Large part of my life is subjected to stress, so I'm strongly convinced that stress issues in childhood and these years is one of the subject I'm prone to address. The problem is it is to be seen that writing about stress issues has good effect on readers' and my mental health.

I managed several phone calls in the latter half of the week. Now I feel as if inside my ears is ringing like a bell. On the way home, I held my ears with my palms to plug them in vain. It had no effect the (feeling of, and probable illusion of) sound come from inside. I perhaps need cooling down of the "burn" of my mind which probably cause me to feel the illusion of alarm sound from inside of my ears or my head.  

When I was in university, I used the expression "I went to pieces." a lot of times. Not only in English conversation, but also in Japanese conversation, I was so easily lose words. Perhaps, me today evening at the train for home after work may be such a situation. When I look at myself in the mirror, now that I'm finally home, I found myself blank face with dents in my upper eyelids. I have done my best at work these days, and still I sometimes find myself running out of energy and find it difficult to behave calmly like other people I see.

I need to do exercise to lose weight, so I jog in the morning and in the evening weather permitting, and go swimming on Saturday. Yesterday I began jump rope too. I was shocked when I failed to jump 100 times consecutively, and became breathless when I jumped 200 times. After I do such exercise, I have to be careful enough not let my body chilled with sweats, which may cause catching cold. When I was in elementary school, I jumped thousands of times without feeling tiredness. I feel my aging in such a change when I do exercise.

It looks like that I made a good start for this week. It's getting colder and colder these days, and it is reported that in Hokkaido it's going to snow even in plain areas. Last week I almost catch cold, spending a long time in front of my laptop after I bathed, chilling my body. I'm wrapping up tonight's task in front of my laptop, before long time passes, avoiding making the same mistake as I made last week.

I'm going to work again from tomorrow. It's good idea to begin my work for the coming week with smile. I may be physically tired, but smile help me take a good start.

It seemed me that today there was nothing interesting to me. In the past, I tended to appeal how shy I was and how I could afford to behave only poorly. If I think carefully, this would only end up in making people less happy by my writing and make me even poorer. I could have disclose my obsession about old cars, and pleasure of looking catalogs and picture books of such nostalgic cars. (I especially like cars about a 40 years ago around when I was born and I was a child. I could have also tell about how I enjoyed viewing railroad near the elementary school, picture books of trains. Also how I was excited when I road on a train by chance in my childhood, because there weren't not so many opportunity to ride on trains, unlike now I have to take trains to go to work. Today may not be interesting to me at all, but how can I forget the pleasure of viewing what I like to see, and why don't I expect there will be many excitement, if not every day, in the future?

As planned I started early, visited a mental clinic, and then I visited a dentist. Mental clinic visited ended in 30 minutes, so I have much spare time to catch a train to be in time of my visit to dentist's. At the dentist I had my plaque removed. Last week the medication ended without much pain, so I expected things go this way this time too. It wasn't for today. It took a lot of effort to remove the plaque for today. When I washed my mouth after medication, my mouth became a little bit bloody. Even 3 hours later, my mouth became bloody occasionally. It was so painful that I couldn't chew meat at today's dinner. I wished I could have been able to eat more, but the pain prevent from doing this. I learned a lesson that I shouldn't have leave plaque on my teeth without taken care of by dentist's for five years.

Mental clinic and dentist. Tomorrow morning I set a tight schedule, visiting two hospitals. I'll visit the mental clinic for the first time in 4 weeks. I usually visit on triweekly basis. In the early morning I'd like to jog as long as I did last week, and I'd also like to swim in the afternoon as I regularly do on Saturdays.

When I forgot about troubles I had encountered and negative things I originally would like to write, I lost focus in what I write. Originally, I intended to begin this blog to introduce myself on the autism spectrum and struggling with communications in my daily life. This is the result I didn't like to have in that I fail to live up to expectations from those who want to read messages from the inner world of the autism spectrum. On the other hand, however, forgetting about troubles in the past and negative feelings means I've become healthier mentally. In this respect, I think now I'm losing focus in a healthy way.

I'm searching the Internet for announcements of railway services. I'm looking for train announcements and announcements at a railway station. The reason I'm looking for them is that I want to be good at making a speech, and I'm thinking that begin with what I like and what I'm likely to encounter daily the most.

When I'm on a train, I see many ads. Some are on the walls, and some are hung from the ceiling. What are these ads about? Some are guides for event trains, package tours and discount tickets. Some are about lotteries. Some are about drinks. There are also ads about colleges and vocational schools. Not only ads, there are also a lot of features we ride daily. We may think that there is nothing new about trains we take daily, but the features we see day by day may be new to some reader, so I'd like to describe such features as many as I can, when my condition is good enough.

I'm slowly recovering from tiredness from a English test I took 3 weeks ago. Sometimes, I have obsessive behaviors, especially when I left the train and I left the workplace, but the frequency has been much reduced. Today I had to respond to visitors several times, and realized how poorly I able to interact with people in unexpected situations. 5 hours later when I was on the train home, I have a bit of flashback, leaned against the wall or the door in a strange posture looking knocked out. I also jumped up and down with the sound leaking from headphones of smart phone game apps. I know it's foolish of me to behave this way, but at the same time I'm in distress from hyperacusys, and I wonder, why the person who plays music so loud that many passenger hear leaking sounds from headphones, and a strange person (me) is kind of dancing in an inappropriate situation with the leaked music. In this situation, it's a shame that I behaved badly, and barely escaped from any tr...

I mistakenly knocked the door of chapel in the middle of sermon. I had practiced repeatedly how to politely enter a room. It was clear autumn day with sky blue and in the middle of grass field was a stack of grass mowed, which was good to lay myself down tired with weekdays' tiredness. After the worship service I wiped tables preparing for lunch, but I didn't join the lunch. I had a very strong desire to have a bowl of ramen. After 20 minutes' walk I arrived a ramen shop and I enjoyed the ramen very much. Then I played a video game to get various results. I enjoyed very much. There may be a lot of anxiety about this coming week, but remembering what I enjoyed encourage me much, even if they all may be really small things.

I jogged 8 kilometers in the morning, and went to dentist at 10 a.m. Now I'm going to swim. I'm relieved that my condition is not so bad these days.

I visited TOEIC official website to get information of when the result is displayed. The result for the test in September has not been displayed yet. Instead I saw "no results" although 2 months ago when I registered for a test, I could see the result of the test I took 2 years ago. After searching for the Internet the results is likely to displayed on the afternoon of next Monday. I'm looking forward to see the result but at the same time nervous about it. By the way, on TOEIC official website, we can much more easily to see information about assistance for people with disabilities, with as easy-to-see button as one for main-stream people who want to take the test. When I took the previous test there may be information for people with disabilities, but shown in much a smaller link which main-stream people wouldn't pay attention to. In this way I saw much progress in barrier-free for an English test.

Muscle soreness from exercises on last weekend affected on me even this Thursday morning. When I went out early in the morning, I was so heavy that I couldn't jog even at the speed of walking. I walked on anyway, as planned, and dropped by a convenience store. There I saw a picture book of Nissan Skyline of the Showa era. The problem was I didn't have money then, so I jogged the course I planned, returned home, took up my wallet, went to the convenience store again, and bought the picture book. If I had walked the course at the pace when I started, I couldn't have bought the book. In this way a car picture book became an unexpectedly effective cure for my muscle (and probably mental) soreness.