Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I'm saying hello through my old pc, which Windows XP used to be installed in until a half day ago, now with ubuntu. Installation process took hours (especially it took over an hour to obtain an tolerable connection speed to the Internet by disabling configuration about ipv6) and a little bit far from satisfaction (my current version is neither latest nor long-supported version, some auto-run program perhaps could be delited to use this PC comfortable but I'm not sure how, and several application should be installed to be in practical use).

Anxiety - bad atmosphere - stress - anxiety... a vicious circle. To break this I try to amplify positive messages like gratuities or admirations. When I'm being stressed out I tend to "hear" screams from my mind as if I wanted to hit, beat, and even try to kill myself. Although I know this obsession is false, I have to fight against these delusions daily. To defeat these, I need to be equipped with positive self images.

A half year ago I bought a business bag. The belt was broken in two months. I swaped one from my old bag. It was much stronger. Today this belt was broken too. I bought new one. Is the belt the bottleneck of a bussiness bag?

To enhance account security, I've taken up changing password encording rules. I tried this a few years ago, when I acquired an account of a virtual private server. The attempt however failed because the encoding rules are too complicated. I simplified the rules and am trying again. The passwords of all account services should be set according to new rules by next April.

24 hours after the incident, I recovered the sense that gravity is working in the right direction. I tried to behave, but it was thanks to my co-worker's understanding and consideration because I recovered without screaming in the workplace. Having said that, working hours feeling gravity in the wrong direction has made me really tired. Today, I hope I'm gonna going to bed in the right side and tomorrow'll I wake up in the right side too.

It's anxiety that really trying to kill me. What happens in my mind is likely to happen not only me. It takes time to calm down.

I don't talk much about today's event, but I strongly felt and learnd that human beings are more driven by emotion rather than facts. I watch out my behaviors and words keeping this deep in mind.

The new PC I ordered came without recovery media. I could order recovery media too, but having read the information that you can make recovery media later, I didn't. The first Sunday after the PC arrived, I tried to make recovery media, but it was full of trouble. Recovery data require 3 DVD-R media. I burned one of 3 disc in as long as around an hour. I was burning the second while I had supper. The second one came up with an error. Even though the first one burnt succefully, to the inconvinience of the utility, I had to burn from the first. Now I'm burning the "second" first thisk (if successful, I'll have two volume one disc of recovery). I hope it'll be successful until the end. If you order a PC without recovery media, you might want to think of the work to burn them yourself. You may have the risk of times of retries and waste of several discs.

My new PC is on its setup and will be in full opearation for the next month, installing a few softwares including Adobe Illustrator CS6. I plan to remove Windows XP from my old PC when I retrieve essential document from it. There is a problem importing mdi files I made in my old PC to the new one, and another problem to import iTunes library especially PodCasts.

My preference of coffee has been changed through years and time of the year. When I began to have coffee as a teenager, it always came with milk and suger. Later I enterd university and bought a coffee maker. Then for the first time I realized how nice black coffee tastes. Since then I preffered dripped black coffee. For some time I had canned coffees for wakeup purpose, but I couldn't fully feel the taste of coffee. I was just tricked by the labels which appeals as if it were premium coffee, with premium beans. It wasn't until I came to Sendai when I was 30 that I was into Starbucks coffee. I knew Starbucks was coffee shop before when I was in university, because Starbucks was sometimes a hangout of English class friends, but I thought it was a shop of "arranged" coffee like "cafe mocha", and hadn't even try to order simple drip coffee. When I first ordered a cup of drip coffee at Starbucks, I loved it immediately. Simple drip coffees have been my f...

My new PC arrived yesterday. I bought this because my old one, with which I'm writing this, running Windows XP, an OS whose end of support for less than a half year is publicly announced. Meanwhile, I have no plan to dispose of my old one for next few years. After the end of support of Windows XP, I'm thinking of installing ubuntu into it. I've already made a boot disc, and booted it for a trial. Except for the access speed of DVD drive because of the boot without installing the hard drive, response speed was good, and I could access to my external hard drive. Later, I even made some Japanese input and updated my blog in Japanese. Now, I'm back to Windows XP, the main OS of this PC, because for some reason, Internet access speed was too slow. I wonder why this problem happens. Can't that OS drive fully wireless network support? Is it just because I haven't installed yet? The answer is to be seen, but if I find the wireless network access fast enough, then there...

Finally new PC arrived. 2 days ahead of schedule. I set it up and installed some games and a browser. Tomorrow I have to get up early for a volunteer activity, so I suspended the set up and now I'm typing this article via my old PC.

5 years ago, I bought an all-in-one printer. First three years, I enjoyed the printer function and try to use scanner function. As for printing, ink soon became unusable and had to replace every time. The total ink replacing cost exceed the price of printer itself. I also tried to utilize scanner function, but scan was so slow and with flat bed mechanism, paper feeds are so inconvenient that I was frustrated and gradually I quit using scanner function and shifted to take photos of the documents, which saves time a little bit. Now scanning a lot of my drawing and documents handed out in meetings I go is my first priority, and saving space is as high, higher than printing needs. Actually I seldom find needs of printing these days. All things considered, I decided to give up my all-in-one printer and get a new document scanner.

Doing a little bit job on the Web and no one around me has substantial knowledge on the Internet and basic network backgrounds, I have to be one who have good knowledge about them. I have a few national certificates which shows backgrounds of basic knowledge on information technologies, but this just means in years ago I answered very well to question about them, and doesn't necessarily mean that I can explain basic knowledge of network technologies with a certain exactness, nor can I very well organize the plan to operate even a small system in a small company. To resolve these problems I thought that I should be able to explain the roles of each part of applications and devices we frequently use to connect the internet, the browser, the server software, the network adapter card, the TCP/IP socket, etc. I'm thinking of making up a story, comparing a PC with network applications to an office who have the need to connect somewhere in the Internet. In this story there will ...

I plan to get up early next morning for an appointment with my counselor. The support center for people with developmental disorders is in operation by fewer people and the increasing needs for counsels or consultations make the counselors, social workers busier than before. It may be good for me to talk about my life recently before I'm tired with my daily work, but this may be another reason for my appointment is pot into in the morning.

Today I limited my morning jogging to 2.5 kilometers, in order to prepare for good start for the first work day of the week. Usually I tend to extend my jogging seeking for more training effects or consuming calories.

Now I'm satisfied with sound from my PC and from PlayStation 3 through TV speakers. When I was in high school, hi-fi sound system looked cool although I didn't have particularly favorite genres or artists. I though just having hi-fi audio system would give me the feeling as if my status went up. At that time the music I listened to most frequently was game musics. Even though I could listen to these music, this didn't made me cool any more. Soon I lost interest in hi-fi audio and thought sound from radio-cassette players was fair enough. Now I'm afford to a little on audio, so I'm thinking that daily life with a little bit more hi-fi sound isn't so bad, even though even now my favorite musics are still basically originate from video or PC games.

I go to see my doctor once to twice a month, basically on Saturday, when I'm off-duty and the clinic is open. Since next Saturday is a holiday and the clinic will be closed, I had to bring forward the schedule to see my doctor, and today I went to the clinic. It was warm for this time of the year and it found out to be quite a good excursion to walk from the station nearest to the clinic, to the clinic (about 1 km) to the center of the city (about 3.5km), then took train home.

Yesterday when I came home from work I was so tired that I could lie on the bed for an hour before supper, and actually I did for a quoter. Today I had as much trouble as yesterday, but I need not rest before supper after I came home. Is this an effect of weekend? To be sure I need not preserve my energy for the work tomorrow.

Working on a PC trouble at work, I've became so weary that I limped home from the station. On the way home I'm listening to CBS podcast while reading the biography of Edison. Fatigue prevented me from remembering details, but deeply sunk in the sea of English language with weary mind and body, I was vaguely aware that after all I understand English just a little bit.

I plan to clean the dust at the corner of my room, covering containers and cords like snow. I've let it be for as long as years.

Smooth operation of the laptop and fast connection to the Internet is essential to my daily work. I felt this even more when I experienced the trouble on the laptop on today's work. The Internet browser and other applications had terrible response. When I inspected the processes, I found that "svchost.exe" occupied all the use of the CPU. This trouble, reported around October, is said to be more likely to happen the machine with Windows XP and relatively low-spec CPU. I hope the trouble will be fixed before long, even though Windows XP's life cycle may end in a half year.

Today I visited the website of city developmental support center. In this center, monthly meeting is held by young adults with developmental disabilities. The meeting group provides us with an opportunities to share views from those with developmental disabilities. Some participants have had hard times during they were in school and on the job, and need a place to share the feeling that "not only we (and our personality) are the problem, but lack of understanding us make the problem even worse". Sharing views by saying my opinions and listening to others' was quite an experience, which enhanced me the feeling that even though we are more likely to be involved in trouble with people and society, we are still able to provide society with our views and abilities, and which has help me with enhance self-confidence too. Now busy with daily work, and having a job gaining the feeling that even it may be humble, I can be of help and play a certain role as an employee and in a...

To set to sleep, I browsed for BGM video through YouTube with my PS3. Hits some game BGMs of Dragon Quest or Final Fantasy. Is battle musics for video these role playing games good for sleep music? I'm not sure, for battle musics are more exciting than relaxing, but these musics are surely my favorite.

I've just ordered a laptop PC. It may take a week or two to arrive. I'm planning to install Microsoft Office 2013 (with PowerPoint; which my current PC isn't installed). I'm also considering to buy Adobe Illustrator, much the same price tag as the PC I've just ordered.

For better behavior in daily life and at work, and especially for me with developmental disability and liable to fall into mental disorder of more or less serious, checking my mental condition is very important. To do this more effectively, I'm thinking of updating the checklist of my mental condition. Can I easily walk or run to the convenience store 550 meters away? Don't you have an anxiety about neighbors? Can you say your greeting smoothly, without stumbling or strange posture? Here I named some items for a checklist draft. I plan to share information of the checklist and improve the checklist with co-workers at my workplace. The most important goal however is spend better time in my workplace. The idea of creating list is to realize whether my mental condition is good enough to make up working environment as a member of the workplace.

I'm moving document files from my laptop to an external hard drive, preparing to buy a new one. Even though my current laptop, with Windows XP, becoming out of date, giving up all data and application installed on it, and plunge into buying a new one takes a lot of courage. To make a smooth decision, I hope my mental state will become in better shape.

Both ends of my lips are sore. I haven't been fully recovered from the cold and the fatigue of daily work. I hope I'll relax at least tomorrow, Sunday.

Having said that tics have been the sign of improvement, I also know that such behaviors have much negative impacts to my co-workers as well as self image of myself. It is wise not to dare to bump into the source of stress, and weather unavoidable stresses in the working environment.

This week I struggled with tics at work and at home. I wonder why because I don't think that the stress has been increased. After a few minutes of thought I came up with the idea that tics has replaced with panics, although tics may look pretty ugly and may be tough to myself, thus these tics are quite a sign of improvement. I sometime imagine how it would be nice if I could live a stress-free life and one free from reactions to stresses like panics and tics. But now it's time to appreciate myself that my reaction to stresses has been much improved.

I'm cleaning up my computer files, preparing for buying a new one. I set the dead line the end of this year.

2 weeks ago I caught cold by staying up late trying to write down what I felt for a long time in a low temperature. To avoid the same mistake, I need to sleep early, after posting an article as quickly as possible rather than thinking long to come up with a better article.

When I was absent from high school for a few months because of mental disorders, I bought a picture book of retro and nostalgic cars. It is full of photos and articles of Japanese cars in around between 50s to 70s (at that time it was early 90s, and the book deals with cars 20years to 40 years before). This book, as well as video games such as Dragon Quest or Final Fantasy , gave me comfort when I spent hard time. It reminded me of my childhood, when the cars on the book was actually frequently seen on the road (some cars were old enough to have been nostalgic already by the time I was born). I'm surprised how fast time flies when I know it's been 20 years since I bought the picture book, and even brand-new cars at that time , some taken as comparisons in the book, are being categorized as nostalgic.

I jogged and walked 1.7 kilometers in the morning. Considering the amount I did past a few years I could have done more, but overwork can cause me having cold again. Little by little and as many times possible, watching for mental fatigue is the key to recovering jogging/walking habit.

Since I was a child, I like cars. My parents said that every car they pointed at I could answer its name. I also liked to read car catalogs and buyers guides. I was good at memorizing specs of every car on them. However, when it comes to imagine myself driving, I thought twice. Although I like cars, I imagined that moving the 1-ton lamp of iron at as high speed as 50 to 100 kph was something magical. I was also fear of the fear of the serious and tragic results of traffic accidents. I even imagined that when I grew up and whenever I drive a car I would be involved in a traffic accident. I thought myself as so careless. This unreasonable fear last even after I managed to obtain driving license, and know the reality of driving car on an actual road. With no impended need for driving and taking the risk of driving too seriously, even now I like to enjoy driving only by drawing and viewing cars passing by and of the photo on an magazine, a book or a catalog. Does the time come wh...

When I'm too worried to go out easily, or say a word to someone else, I take deep breath and write (draw) big letters on my note book. The letters are so big that whole page of the page are a few words. I also draw big circles, squares sometimes later become persons or cars or other drawing.

Playing a shooting game before going to sleep may prevent me from good sleep. It excite me a lot even at a moderate level. It may be good to listening to relaxing music before sleep. But the music genre I like the best is the game music, especially those of video games I played when I was elementary school and was a teenager, with chip tunes. They are nostalgic, and there may be a choice that is suitable for the time before sleep.

I made a start with annual tax  adjustment form. There are many to fill in. I also have to prepare a few attachments, insurance receipts and a copy of disability certificate. I was almost overwhelmed when I saw many blank to fill in, but at least I was able to write my name and address easily (although when I was asked to say I'm more likely to stumble) and I did begin with these two things. I succeeded in focus on the form and wipe out my anxiety.

Today it was a beautiful autumn day, although it was a little bit too cold. I made an excursion home from the mental clinic to which I had road a train 4 stations. There were blue sky and leaves  of trees in a temple turning yellow, orange, red. I walked at the pace of 1373 steps (13minutes) per kilometer. For the first 5 kilometers I felt so good that I could walk home and further. By the time I arrived at a hair salon where I dropped on at and had my hair cut, a couple of kilometers away from home, I ran out of energy and felt weary, although, I remember just now, I was still able to bend knees easily. When I walk or jog really a long distance, like a half marathon, I become too tired to bend knees, even have a difficulty with sitting ... my legs becoming namely "sticks".

Today at work, I planned to control the pace of my work to avoid trouble from my temper largely due to overwork, because our supervisor was out for short visits for a few hours and had to let the workspace run with minimum employees. First two hours, I was mentally stable, but suddenly I felt too uneasy to respond to my colleague's question, and to tell necessary subjects from not, even a simplest subject which  wasn't obviously needed, one I could have told at once it was not what we wanted. It was not until a quarter hour that I perceived I was becoming shaky. When I was out for short break, my mind began to scream repeatedly, if heard someone may call me insane (actually I see psychiatrist once or twice a month). Siren man away for 10 days were reviving and taking over my personality as a silent man. Fortunately this time, the silent man won. The siren man left my personality in another two hours. Daily struggle in work and life of a man with mental weakness from a...