Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Yesterday's jog was so good. Cold weather, and wind outside was relatively mild. I jogged a round trip to the second nearest station from home, 6 kilometers. The next day, today, I had sore back. Thanks to all helps from people around me, I worked through January. Today, in addition to my regular work, I did the dishes a little bit. It was a bit difficult to do with minimum splash.

It's relatively warm for this time of the year, wind is calm, in contrast with yesterday's snowstorm. Maybe tonight will be a good chance for jogging. I have to fight with the temptation to play video games first, leaving no time for jogging.

This morning I had plenty of sleep. I don't think its quality was so bad. Still I feel sleepy in the afternoon, and slow to think, especially deciding what to write. Once I thought that I would write about my messes from stress, but I thought twice because it was inappropriate subject to mention where I was supposed to post on. Then I came up with snowy weather of these days, and managed to made up an article with a funny episode with my family. Probably it would take a few days of good night sleep for me to recover from my bad performance in deciding things and having low self esteem.

After I suffered a stressful weekend came a relieving Monday, by doing my work, recalling still I'm capable of doing it, even though sometimes I get incapable of ("forget") my name.

When I'm unable to utter words from stress or panic, I have hard time. I feel so miserable and helpless, and typically have already been in a terrible mental and physical state, I want to ask for help, but usually it's impossible to fully communicate what I mean. (Even when I utter words, it's not easy.) It often happened a few years ago. Last year it seldom happened. My mental state was so good then. In this week, the symptom of my incapability of saying words has already happened several times. I feel so mentally exhausted, after I pushed myself hard to participate in events to meet people. I hope I will take a good rest, and again I become capable of utter words whenever I need for the rest of the week, and hopefully for the rest of this year.

Today, although I could participate in a practice session of my sky club, I went skiing by myself. Usually practice sessions are held at a mountain not accessible public transportation, but this time it was held a place accessible by public transportation. I missed this chance, but my tiredness is too serious to meed other people on the weekend out of work.

Work: OK Although I committed a few mistakes, they were recoverable ones. Thought and memory: slow. I took earlier action for outputs for the team and the company, but almost nothing for my fellows of developmental disorders. Temper: Pretty shorter than usual. Especially when I find it hard to answer a sudden question. Desire for hobbies and sports: lower than usual for skiing. Still I sometimes check body movements required for ski. Pretty high for video games.

Already burnt out. One more day, I hope to work through on Friday.

Looks like I haven't been fully recovered from the stress from my communication failure. Tonight after work I went to a monthly meeting of young adults with developmental disorders, and when I was to talk about myself, my tongue was tangled again. It may take twice amount of rest I had originally thought of, before I'm fully capable of communicate again.

An annual medical checkup for me was today. My blood pressure, eyesight, and weight were a bit improved. It was a bit embarrassing that I failed a few times to say my name from shock.

No actual payment for getting another PS4 game. I won an auction a PS4 game "Atelier Lydie and Suelle.", and all the payment has been done by the point with time limit I got when I purchased the PS4 hardware, and special offer coupon at a auction. One problem is how I can be patient enough not to substantially play it, as I had planned to "purchase" one.

On Tuesday I have medical checkup. I have to prepare in the morning of the day before the checkup.

"Checking body movement to make a turn at a low speed help you improve your skiing", I have been told by skiing coaches over and over again. Although I agree all the same, I'm learning one fact. Body movement at a very high speed is quite different from at a slow speed. At the point of transition, while at a low speed I shift my weight to some degree, say, 10cm to 50cm, but at high speed, the amount of movement of the position should be many times. Remembering the feeling of a drill at a low speed may not be bad, but my mistake was, bringing the small amount of movement matching to a low speed in a high speed turn, without matching the amount of body movement.

In the coming week, stress management is key for me. A bit stressful events and tasks are on my schedule. Having good sleeps as long as possible, choose favorite food and coffee within budget, and feel free to play games in the short pastimes, I'm thinking, would help me a lot.

I'm keeping on doing most of my tasks ahead schedule, but sometimes I waste a lot of time, viewing discouraging news. This, I guess, is a bad sign, of declining of my mental health, and I have to be careful keep my pace not over the limit.

Last autumn I set my main route of jogging to the second nearest station from home. This route, however, doesn't look like good when I jog in winter. When I take the route, I jog first to the east, then when I return, I have to stand strong winter wind from the west. I would lathe like, in winter, to a route I jog to the west, against winter wind first, and I also may want to keep in mind that when I return, the follow wind can chill me, possibly casing me catching a cold.

I seem to have no problem in my condition, just having finished the first work for the week. However, once I'm home I get slower in taking up an action. It take more than 20 minutes to put out a medicine and take it.

"Certificate exam for alchemists." This is the first goal of Atelier Firis. This is a fictional exam in the game. An event in a game as it was, I was a bit nervous, like a real exam. I raised Firis's alchemist level and battle level, as I do just another role playing games, and at the same time it was preparation for the exam as well. I was thinking I would have prepared better, but the result looks like to be beyond my expectation. Firis passed the exam in the first place, winning the battle with Sophie, her alchemist teacher. The game continues, and she is going out to the journey again to find what she really want to do.

"This ski carves" I was surprised when I began skiing, with 23m radius ladies giant slalom skis I got almost 10 years ago, reviewing the body movements I had learned in a training session a month ago. Until last year I didn't know how to carve with the ski. I felt it was too heavy, too rigid. I could hardly turn without sliding. Also I know I incline inward too much when I attempt to carve. It was, after all, my lack of technique, the ankle of my angles aren't sharp enough, in addition to I subconsciously depend too much on inward inclination, although I was thinking while skiing I was careful enough to do not.

Two clinic visits right after breakfast on this Saturday, mental health and blood pressure. When I was back, it was already afternoon.

My work performance is likely to be up to satisfactory in recent years. This is what I want to remember when I feel really tired, my mind is full of negative thoughts, and I'm getting quieter and quieter, because now that I'm getting to know it's against etiquette to let them come out of my mouth. However, even if my work may be up to satisfactory, it is with the measure of the work performance of a person struggling with some mental disorders. I will have to work harder to meet the standard of a healthy grown-up worker.

Today the timing of reports at work was the key. I'm on the way learning when to report, when my boss is the most likely to notice, and I wouldn't regret later.

I've been playing Atelier Firis: The Alchemist and the Mysterious Journey , since I got PlayStation4 on last Sunday. I'm really enjoying the game. Things would not always go well as the gameplays I see on Internet video sites and sometimes it takes some extra time of game, by sometimes getting lost and sometimes taking some detours. I often get lost because of the poor camera work of the game, although I know I can move the camera by the R3 stick, and zoom up and down the L2 and R2 button. I even sometimes feel sick myself. I wish the function to focus on a direction. Some games of 20 years ago may be even "advanced", like early Nintendo 64 games, Super Mario or Zelda, the pioneers of 3D graphic action games. P.S.  This game actually has the camera focusing function! Just pushing the R3 stick once or twice instead of rolling it, and the camera focuses in the direction Firis is facing. Just knowing this make my (her) adventure a bit more efficient.

Canned coffee as an incentive to jog in this cold weather. My favorite canned coffee is low sugar, (but no sugar substitute unlike most low sugar canned coffee) with milk (and cream), without artificial aroma. A few bending machines near home deal with it, and the nearest is just one kilometer away. Last night I missed the taste of it and I jogged to get one, but it had already been sold out. I'm jogging an hour later today, to check if it may perhaps be refilled, and getting one if so. Fortunately most of the snow on the roads of the route has melted, so I will be able to jog safely if I stand the cold weather of winter night, with a temperature below zero Celsius.

I've just gotten back home from work. The first day I go to work passed without much trouble or stress. I hope January will pass in this way. I'm thinking it's time I began learning some new techniques to process data, useful to daily work.

Getting a new video game hardware and software is teaching the lesson, "Focused pastime gives me energy as well as one-week holidays, released from my duty." My PS4 has already been arrived, but the bundled titles haven't yet. I chose Gran Turismo Sport and Spider Man, and began downloading in the morning. The download is still continuing. Probably it will be fortnight, while I'm sleeping and the game machine is stand-by, with background downloading. Then I decided to put ahead the purchase plan of my favorite game, Atelier Firis, I had wanted to get since last April, and planned to get in this April. Since I have been watched its game play time and again, I know the plot of the game to some extent, but playing myself is different! Even though I'm satisfied with game play videos on YouTube or other video sites, the graphic of the real game is even more beautiful than I expected. On new years holiday, I had spent idle time, and it may be not bad in that I hav...

I decided to put ahead my purchase of PlayStation4 yesterday, taking advantage of a special discount. I had planned to get one after the payday in March. Right before the purchase, I checked if I can plug PS4, hopefully without unplugging PS3, to my personal TV. PS4's only video interface seems to HDMI. Do I have to replace PS3 with PS4, instead of just adding PS4 to PS3 as my video game console in use? At first I thought my TV had only one HDMI input, so I tried to change the connection of PS3 from HDMI to RCA composite analog video output. I barely played games, but its resolution with analog video connection was awful. I also realized again how fine HDMI graphic is, after I have long been thought that it is taken for granted since I first got a HDMI cable, played a PS3 game with HDMI connection, and amazed with its graphic. Actually my TV, as small as 20 inches in size as it is, has 2 HDMI inputs, so I didn't even try to take steps back and try analog video connection.

PS4 is on bargain, with 5,000 yen discount at Sony online store until Jan.6. I had planned of getting one by March or April, but now I'm changing my mind and getting one in this chance. I have been thinking of getting a new one or a used one, but in this opportunity, I may be able to get new one at a price of a used one.

Yesterday I ordered a pair of skiing gloves because my old one is worn out. The new one looks like made of leather, so maintenance will be important. This year I want to get the habit of maintain leather products; shoes, and gloves.

On the Second day of year:  in the morning I watched Hakone Ekiden. Elite student runners relay their tasukis from Tokyo to Hakone. Each runner runs one section more than 20 kilometers, nearly the distance of a half marathon, relays 5 sections. In the last section, the runners have to climb more than 800 meters while running that half marathon distance. Tomorrow, the runners relay back from Hakone to Tokyo, and of course the first runner climb down the mountain, which the last runner of today climbed up. In the evening, I jogged 6.666 kilometers. This is a jogging for fun, less than a third in distance and less than half in speed. Ekiden runners are running mainly run for the honor of their schools, but I'm running just for fun and health.

The first day of the year 2019. Every new-year event is marked as "the last of the Heisei Period" Especially I was excited by the dead heat of the New Year Ekiden race. The first two team was abreast until only 100 meters to goal, after 7 runners for each team relayed to run 100 kilometers.