Feeling much better now, resting on "Coming of the Age Day"

Today is a holiday of "Coming of the Age". I was celebrated 20 years ago, when my mental state was one of the worst, but I would like to speak about it some days later.

I spent the holiday of this year really slowly. I was hom all the day.
One very good thing I felt today was that my mental pain is getting weaker and weaker.
On Saturday I wanted to shout out loud or murmuring about suicide or some idea of death (I didn't believe that I really want to die, but sometime I feel so embarrassed suddenly, or sudden flashback storms me so severely, or I suffer from gloomy and cloudy vision about future of the Word or my feature so heavily that I couldn't help uttering something, something would be fine, and happened to utter these obsessive words of death).
Even today, I feel a little bit heavy, but at least I have become calm enough to not shout out loud or suddenly utter these strange words.

Sometimes, as time has passed by, I have lost so many opportunities and so many dreams, but even so, I feel much better than past that I have become able to think strongly that I am allowed to live.

Around the age of 20, which was about 20 years ago, I couldn't believe that I was allowed to live, because I felt that interaction with people around me was too tough and pressure for my academic performance was too urgent.

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