I was mistaken in how I was privileged - at university (in 1995)
When I entered university after one year of blank, I was far from mentally healthy, and I wasn't confident in my physical health either. I just waited for someone turning to me to offer to help. I didn't know how such an attitude looks rather miserable.
I was not so highly motivated to study and learn, although I had knowledge that a university was a place to study and learn.
Instead, I was flattered by the fact that I had passed through the entrance exams which was difficult to some degree. From the fact I felt privileged in a wrong way, and with no background. To be honest I was bored with making an effort in everything, mistakenly feeling I have had it enough!
"I won a high mark and was in a relatively high place in English exam, so I must be proficient in English." This is of course not true. Especially proficiency in oral communication, and making friends. I had never even taken an English interview test.
In this way, in May in the first year, I participated in a setting to make friends with students from America, and my attitude was awful - drawing attention by behaving odd and helpless. (I admit I was somewhat odd and helpless, but I ostensibly showed my weakness in that setting.) Finally some member prayed for me to drive away evil spirits, for they thought I was possessed with ones and strongly advised to go to mental clinic as soon as possible.
I was thinking that I had been treated like garbage in relationships with my classmates, and obsessed with the thought that God must treat me like such a way, no matter how some member strongly preached that how God loved and changed them so much. What a disbelief, both in the way of self confidence and in the way of faith!
In other situation, especially at classroom, I behaved terrible. I wasn't capable of sit still more than 5 minutes, and I sometimes press my chest, panting and screaming, and I dash out of the classroom. It was another entrance to wreck!
In that period, I was also obsessed with the thought that I would be miserable if I didn't belong in some club activities. I was thinking belonging to club activities was the only way to make friends. Well this is another story which I may tell later, if I'm able to remember well enough to explain.
I was not so highly motivated to study and learn, although I had knowledge that a university was a place to study and learn.
Instead, I was flattered by the fact that I had passed through the entrance exams which was difficult to some degree. From the fact I felt privileged in a wrong way, and with no background. To be honest I was bored with making an effort in everything, mistakenly feeling I have had it enough!
"I won a high mark and was in a relatively high place in English exam, so I must be proficient in English." This is of course not true. Especially proficiency in oral communication, and making friends. I had never even taken an English interview test.
In this way, in May in the first year, I participated in a setting to make friends with students from America, and my attitude was awful - drawing attention by behaving odd and helpless. (I admit I was somewhat odd and helpless, but I ostensibly showed my weakness in that setting.) Finally some member prayed for me to drive away evil spirits, for they thought I was possessed with ones and strongly advised to go to mental clinic as soon as possible.
I was thinking that I had been treated like garbage in relationships with my classmates, and obsessed with the thought that God must treat me like such a way, no matter how some member strongly preached that how God loved and changed them so much. What a disbelief, both in the way of self confidence and in the way of faith!
In other situation, especially at classroom, I behaved terrible. I wasn't capable of sit still more than 5 minutes, and I sometimes press my chest, panting and screaming, and I dash out of the classroom. It was another entrance to wreck!
In that period, I was also obsessed with the thought that I would be miserable if I didn't belong in some club activities. I was thinking belonging to club activities was the only way to make friends. Well this is another story which I may tell later, if I'm able to remember well enough to explain.
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