Write and write, to know my real feeling and brush up my expression of it

Write and write.
Not knowing what is my really feeling.
Sometimes, I mutter "I want to die" or "suicide", but I don't believe this is what I really want.
Probably, I can't come up with what to say to describe my state of mind.
Pain? Tiredness? Maybe.
Meanwhile I even feel gratitude for what make me live, and pleasure that I have survived so far.
I haven't really experienced a tough condition in a sense that situation was in a war or near-war.
Meanwhile I have almost always fought battle of mind, and went through rain and storm in my mind.
Sometimes I enjoyed a few conversations, but basically I suffered in interacting with people especially with classmates.
Well these things, including my academic efforts and efforts to go out when I was in despair, are things of the past.
The real problem is what I am going to know from now on and brush up what I can tell you.

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