Suicidal thoughts since I was 10 years old
I'm always mumbling something about suicidal thoughts.
Sometimes I'm much embarrassed when I notice myself uttering something about suicide, when I'm alone or even when I'm in a public place.
These days, however, although I'm always uttering something about dying, my suicidal thought has been much weakened and about to disappear.
Years ago and even when I was a child, that is when I was 9 to 10 years old, my suicidal thought was much stronger.
At that time I perceived that everyday was survival, having to survive bullying from fellow students, severe instruction from teachers and fellow students because they say me as not able to behave at school, although I was thinking I was doing relatively well, especially in that I knew a lot about mathematics and science. Now I can explain how I misbehaved by not complying with "the law and order of the classroom", but when I was 9 years old, and not until 25 years old, I had no idea that behaving in a classroom is one quality to be good student, and therefore one quality to become a good human, and a good employee. My perception of what happened to me daily at school made me think that my elementary school life was survival. Even the interventions from my mother, concerned about my behavior and safety, could be a strong pressure that can drive me into more suicidal thought.
All I was thinking in the middle of elementary school was survival and I could hardly believe in tomorrow.
These days, being employed after all, I have come to gradually believe in tomorrows, although the habit of uttering about some suicidal thoughts are still remaining.
Sometimes I'm much embarrassed when I notice myself uttering something about suicide, when I'm alone or even when I'm in a public place.
These days, however, although I'm always uttering something about dying, my suicidal thought has been much weakened and about to disappear.
Years ago and even when I was a child, that is when I was 9 to 10 years old, my suicidal thought was much stronger.
At that time I perceived that everyday was survival, having to survive bullying from fellow students, severe instruction from teachers and fellow students because they say me as not able to behave at school, although I was thinking I was doing relatively well, especially in that I knew a lot about mathematics and science. Now I can explain how I misbehaved by not complying with "the law and order of the classroom", but when I was 9 years old, and not until 25 years old, I had no idea that behaving in a classroom is one quality to be good student, and therefore one quality to become a good human, and a good employee. My perception of what happened to me daily at school made me think that my elementary school life was survival. Even the interventions from my mother, concerned about my behavior and safety, could be a strong pressure that can drive me into more suicidal thought.
All I was thinking in the middle of elementary school was survival and I could hardly believe in tomorrow.
These days, being employed after all, I have come to gradually believe in tomorrows, although the habit of uttering about some suicidal thoughts are still remaining.
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