battle between me sayng I want to die and me saying I want to live

I held a split notebook as a sketch book. I held a ball point pen.
I tried to something I like, for example an automobile.
I only drew several circles, rectangles, and curves, and several meaningless numbers.
In my room I shouted silently to myself, I want to die, and I want to live, and both is true, and I'm going to live tomorrow, because people and society allow me to do.
The most hard person to persuade to allow me to continue to live is myself, who continually bearing the desire to shout I want to die, dispelling it and then say to myself I want to live.

I try to persuade me that most of people I know stand by myself who says I want to live. It's up to me, the key person is me, to choose myself saying I want to live and do things one by one to live today and tomorrow.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Slow Burst

My mental state is near burst. I sometimes make strange noises myself when I feel as if my brain were going to burst. I also feel that my mind is going to burst slowly with stresses from too many unreasonable things. One source of these stresses, I suppose, is the incompatibility with the standard way of socialization especially in business scenes and my characteristic sometimes described in the context of autism spectrum disorder. Even now, while I'm thinking that standard social skills in business scenes is worth learning, I scream to myself getting mad when I learn them.  Isn't just shaving my beards enough to be a salesperson? Am I going to be disadvantaged forever because the skin of my face and my head is too dry? This is one reason why I thought that I wanted to escape my country when I was 11 and 25. This made me learn some foreign language. However, I'm learning that overseas isn't so good as I dream about, especially as long as I go to public school. W...
Read more

It's my lack of confidence that is to be beaten

Autism, is it something to be removed? Or is it just another type of human being? I can't answer to this question. I, as you see, have language, and have a job. Although my struggles are real as well, I hear that there are a lot of cases of struggles many thousand times than mine. Ones who don't have language, or with serious behavioral problem. Although my behavioral problems, mainly social awkwardness, I can't answer the question whether autism is something that should be beaten. Instead, I can answer one question. I have to beat my lack of confidence through long struggles, if I want to succeed.
Read more