Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

If I rested as long as I wish before supper, perhaps it would become midnight before I had supper. This is how my tiredness management isn't working well enough.

Sore muscles prevented me speaking at church today. Yesterday, I rode my bicycle more than 65 kilometers totally and, got over 3 passes of more than 100 meters hike then went on swimming in the afternoon. Today when I heard the message by the pastor, flashbacks of fatal incident occurred on me, making me spend and wander outside most of the time. I tried to speak and sing, but all I got was senseless voices rather than words that make some sense. I wonder how I'm writing now making some sense here now. My ideas was in the morning sealed by the barrier of sore muscles and stiff and shy mind.

In recent years, I don't really think about committing suicide, but when I'm embarrassed, I unconsciously utter to myself "suicide". I think what I utter is senseless rather than a red right for my mind, but if someone heard, they would be likely to be shocked. Why don't I utter, for example "flower" rather than "suicide", which gives much possible image, although still some people think me of weird. Uttering something to myself is certainly a sign of at least small stress, so changing words I utter when I experience somewhat stress make positive differences although I may have no choice but looking and sounding a bit strange to some people.

On the train home from work today, I was writing a fiction based on the story when I was in high school. I was writing about my bicycle, my bag, my textbooks, and my dictionaries. Then I looked back on I then came to think of entering the most prestigious university in my country. Most of bureaucrats and many politician was, and is from that university. Why I came to think of studying hard was that I broke up with a girl I adored. I didn't know then that I didn't really have a means to initiate communication with her, and whenever I tried to do I behaved so strangely that she and her friends couldn't help laughing and getting away from at their max speed. I was then so upset that I decided that I make a lot of effort in studying. I woke up 4:30 a.m. and began to study but my work then was far from efficient. I soon get sleepy and fell asleep on my desk or get back again my bed, imagining of how it would be nice if I could be with her more time.

One, two, three, four, five power poles and telephone poles. Wires were over these poles. To the right was the road, running from west to east, in front of a junior high school. On the left roadside was a white line. I saw a white car, a gray car, a darker gray car, and then I passed by the t junction to the north. I was walking on the left side of road, over ditch covers. Then I saw about four of five power poles on each side again. A white minivan passed me by, and disappeared between the fourth pole and the fifth. After I walked 400 meters from the overpass over the railroad by the station I turned to right, walked 250 meter and turned to the right. It was about 100 meters walk before I arrived home. I hardly remember what the people who probably were headed for home like me looked like, or how and how fast they were walking. It's quite rare for me to have a conversation with them even though it's likely that they live near home.

It's already been the last half of July, when I looked back on struggling June. There is no national holiday in June, so I had hoped to take a paid holiday, although it was in the middle of rainy season, for it's my birth month. Actually I only took two half paid holidays to take care of myself and apply for subsidy for mental medication in the city branch office. It's only after even the next month was almost -two thirds- passed that I first noticed that this June has already flew away.

It's hot from yesterday. In some areas, rainy season ended, news say. Hot weather affected somehow on my concentration, and also I have to be careful enough to prevent heat stroke. Taking water regularly and also taking salt lost in sweat once in a while. On the next day of long bicycle ride, I especially feel in want of water, but balance is also important.