Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

Many self enlightenment advices I read or was told says the key to success is to work or serve for other people's satisfaction and happiness. To practice this, I notice that I had a serious problem myself. I have had scarce feeling that what I'm happy or I'm satisfied is like. Long years of low self-esteem, partly because my environment has been marginalized me, and partly because, thinking that I was deserved to be marginalized because of my oddity, I marginalized myself even more. Considering that I've been cornering myself into less happy and less satisfied position, at least I need to stop it so that I can feel what I feel and people feel what happiness and satisfaction is like. Feeling that thew want to be happy isn't taken for granted to some people. I think some people need training to want to be happy instead they unconsciously think they want to be unhappy.

As usual, after the Sunday service, I went to the bushes near the walls of the church garden. Staring for minutes at a mantis or other bug in the middle of leaf green of the rainy season is a precious moment for me, meditating over the worship I can offer, as a person with odd curiosity into automobiles, trains, bugs, and plants ... that hasn't been changed since before I enter elementary school. With such odd curiosities and fatigue I feel when I'm in a group of young brethren with interests typical of their age, sharing experience God is working on us is a great difficulty. The first year I came to this church I was worried and I refused to adjust myself from the church I had been in that I even couldn't stop roaming around the back of the chapel, frowning and being limp, sometimes screaming impossible to cope with the anxiety and the obsession that I should be deserve to be expelled, actually making excuse for better escape way from regular worship service. It ...

Receiving forgiveness is giving up myself who fancy condemning my past failure and attitude towards life, and myself who fancy locking myself up and indulge myself in disgraceful mental state. I may need a bulldozer of mind to complete this and it may take lots of energy. For the time being, I seek help for anti anxiety pill to sleep my destructive self.

Every Thursday our church has bible study and prayer meeting. I make it a rule to go, but recently, I was so tired that I couldn't attend many times. Even when I could attend I could seldom say my prayer and only pray inside my mind and at best praying in humming or buzzing way like beeps of a siren. Today,  as usual, when I go to church I was so weary and limp that I didn't have voice to say words.  At the entrance of the chapel a large brown cicada lay on its back. I thought it was dead. As I was entering, it suddenly began to zoom and buzz. I was so sorry for the cicada being on its back, I picked it up and try to set upright as during the day a cicada may stop on a tree or sometimes a utility poll. Its buzzing sound was a little bit too noisy, but I felt an uncanny familiar feeling that my usual prayer may be like this buzzing sound, failing to make anyone else my prayer understood. In the end I failed to set the cicada on a tree, but it set to the entrance floor f...

When I read a blog entry of how to write a business blog, I became sad. It said that you should be a professional to continue to write a business blog; no one wants to ask a half-fledged man for business or professional advice, ... and I have little professional background in my work. It is fortunate that this is my personal blog, and it is fortunate that I can help a few people just being myself (I think if you devote yourself in being fully yourself and pour the energy into your blog). I'm really grateful to the self-enlightening book I'm reading for giving me this insight. I'm thinking, little by little, of talking about myself, and myself with autistic spectrum disorder, and working for a special subsidized company.

Saying my prayer sometimes I can hardly pronounce distinctive sounds to compose words. Then I just can say humming or buzzing sound, "praying" for brothers and sisters I see in church be all OK and God's will be done. I sometimes feel miserable when I see other people can "say" their prayer in the sound and the language "I" understand, either in Japanese or English. Now let's stop self-pity. By saying my prayer in humming way, I may not make people heard and understood my prayer, but pastor says even such a prayer, God listens. If I need to share my prayer, I can write down and speak in pen and ink later.

I'm looking for the way make other people happy with my small gifts and weaknesses. Whenever I feel panicked, I feel too weak and stupid to write or say simple words or letters. These experiences help me imagine, although it may be temporarily, what people who feel really weak and who feel lack of ability feel like. They also help me find my co-workers' strong point, instead of complaining on their shortcomings. By my perfectionist's nature, I tend to search for other people's imperfection and sometimes to complain behind their backs. I need to quit to make people around me more comfortable and for my own health. Now I have my hands full with my daily work helping a few people, but some day I hope to give many people a lot of hope and dream with my small gifts and weaknesses. (Reading 57% through of How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie via Kindle Fire HD)