Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I'm obsessed with particular thoughts, sometimes wrong thought, so often that I sometimes say these thoughts to myself, or feel as if these thoughts were echoing in my head. Sometimes, I think that this make little difference from I'm hearing voices although no one is speaking. I sometimes think, I have thought, "Do I have serious mental illness?" for hundreds of times since I was in high school. I now wonder that "Do I actually hear voices when I'm obsessed with a particular thought and can not help saying to myself or the thought echo in my head?". I don't think that I "actually" hear something related to my thought. Still, it's horrible when I can't get rid of some horrible (and usually wrong) thought such as everything I speak is valueless or all that I can give to people I can relate to is only harm. To cope with my obsessive thoughts, I'm thinking that there are two keys. One is to recognize my wrong thought as wrong...

This morning, I put sliced onions on salad. The onions stimulated my eyes so strongly that I couldn't open my eyes for a few minutes feeling as if I were in tears. My tears didn't flow actually, although my eyes got sore. It was probably because of dried eyes. Most of my daily work is done in front of my laptop screen, so I would like to take care of my eyes after work.

Many of the posts here have been a little bit negative and selfish. This is my weakness to be overcome. My disposition, especially in this my introverted, a little bit negative and selfish nature hasn't much changed, although I have continued to post more than 800 times. Still there is a few upside in my tendency of acting and my blogging. Of course, continuing blog post, not giving up totally, is one of them, although I wish I could encourage or entertain readers with my posts more. Another upside is the improvement of my pattern of saying something negative. When I feel down, as is often the case with me, I repeatedly say to myself that "I want to die" or "I want to commit suicide." It's really horrible when I put them into letters like this, but it has been part of my real life, and fortunately I am realizing that this shocking phrase usually doesn't describe precisely my state of mind. In most cases, I don't really think so far as to wis...

Yesterday I participated in an event, so this morning I was really tired. I was so tired that I couldn't walk straight and sit still. I went to Sunday worship service, but I could hardly behave. I couldn't speak (Japanese) at a normal speed, so I felt heavy thinking of the idea to see someone else in that condition. All that I could do was to stand my upset feeling near the entrance of the chapel, in order not to in order to interfere with the church members who want to listen to the sermon. My pain was a little bit terrible, but I didn't strongly hope someone to take care of me. All that I hope was that my upset feeling would pass as soon as possible.

These days, after I write a blog post, I read it out loud, record it and listen it back. When I find something is wrong or missed from the post, I correct the part with the problem. I also consider revising when I can't read the post smoothly. There may be some better ways in which I can tell the same thing more easily. I would like to continue this habit, and hopefully, do every day. The problem is what to write. With my English proficiency, it's not so easy for me to explain briefly everyday what I go through or what I think. Anyway I'm thinking that I would like to begin with telling small stories in my blogging and its recording.

Coping with my day-to-day work, my motivation to learn more about creating web pages has been declined. Months earlier, I was ardently reading books about web programming languages like php or Javascript. I also tried to understand rules of CSS box models. I haven't been reading for months the books I once read enthusiastically. Now I would rather like to rest as long as I'm permitted to do, but I hope my motivation will come back not so long after, for these days I have learned a lot I hadn't be known about html5 and css3, and earlier versions of html and css, preparing for a competition.

What is your dream? As most people were asked when they were children, I was asked this question several times in my childhood. When I was asked that question in kindergarten, I couldn't answer by myself. I asked the teacher for help. There I got an advice:  "How about Prime Minister?" I asked: "What is Prime Minister?" The answer was "The greatest person in Japan." From then on I answered "Prime Minister" to the similar question until I enter university. Then I made efforts to get better grades and enter better university. The problem was that this was not a dream but just an obsession. I didn't really understand the job of Prime Minister and politicians. Time passed and now I have gotten a glimpse of how hard it is to play a role in charge of a large number of people. I have become 40 years old and it is not until recently that I have understood what a person or people have a dream and realize it. Some dreams may be too ...