Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

In the morning, when I go to church I was in more then worst condition. It took 2 hours for me to able to talk to somebody else. Until then I was hardly capable of ask for help. In the middle of sermon, I made a sharp sound when I tried to cope with hyperventilation. I exited, and entered the chapel as my condition change. Sometimes I went outside to the garden and cried out loud, "why do I have to show up myself and show my condition where I'm mentally out of control". I knew no one really hated me, as long as I don't cause a critical trouble or as long as I persist in making noise inside the chapel. When inside my mind became noisy, what I have to do was go outside so that I wouldn't interrupt the listeners of the sermon. The service ended and it was time to have lunch with church members. I could hardly whether to lunch there or eat out somewhere else, I was so incapable of deciding what to do. Even now I feel so. I was there when members prepared for...

I participated in a practice of alpine ski racing GS. This is the first time in this season. I hadn't been decided whether to join because I didn't have confidence in my physical and mental energy these days. After all, it was a good practice, because after the practice I viewed the video of my skiing, which at first time discouraged me and then make me think of the gap between my image of motion and what my skiing look like. I'm looking forward to revise my image of motion, test in the next practice, and view the result of the revision through video.

This week the mood in my workplace wasn't bad. Meanwhile, I had my hands full especially mentally at the end of the week. I might as well as shout out loud, but I didn't because when I felt this way I was on a train home. I stood relatively easily because the train was not so crowded and I took a seat on it. On a train I came up with a lot of thought about my state of mind, my hobby such as skiing, and how I can be nice to other people in my unique introverted way. After each writing of idea, I wrote "I heard a voice." It wasn't real sound, but the ideas were so driving that I perceived them as something like voices. These "voices" guide me to think deeply about what I am worried about what is driving me mad. Writing down them help me make my heart a little bit lighter, and take a step further the next day.

I didn't shout out loud. I bore up in terms of sound I make from my mouse. On a train headed for home 6:00 p.m. From the office to the station at 5:40 p.m. The work for the day ended at 5:30 a.m. It was a great relief and the team was in a good mood. Although there was some inefficient time, work for the day went pretty well as usual. No problem in the workplace. Back to around 6:00 p.m. today still there was problem. I had hard time with maintaining my mind in shape. It was as if great and high pitch screaming and shrilling sound had been revolving around my head and my ears. I flipped my palms, then put them together like bowing in front of a grave. My posture was a little bent forward, with my head nodding. sometimes I opened my upper arm but stiffly and rigidly tightened my armpits. I cocked my head two or three times suddenly. I advanced when I was allowed to get off train to headed for home. It was not a normal walk. I sidestepped in a couple dozen steps, then jump...

Today I took a half holiday. I worked in the afternoon. I didn't do nothing special. I was allowed to do everything I do on weekdays in a hurry at slow pace, and this has made my heart much lighter than that beginning of this week.

Who I am now. This is the keyword how I will continue this blog for the time being. I read some articles about blogging. Some blogger say that deciding your focus is important. Some say that writing regularly is important. Others say that thinking about your audience and providing them something interesting or something useful is important. In the long run, I could expect larger audience by refurbishing my blog, focusing on offering something interesting or useful. However, being myself is higher priority for the time being. Sometimes I disgust myself because all I can say is about my tiredness, problems, or troubles from my daily life, which I can't believe at all that make anyone got interested. I wish many times I could bring interesting stories about cars, games, or budget hi-fi audio. I also think that I could have told many stories about my childhood, and my daily lives then, struggle in elementary school classroom and battles on the way to and from school. I cou...

Whenever I visited the king in any progress of Dragon Quest, the king said, "I'm glad to see you return safely" when I play Dragon Quest. I was playing the role of a warrior who is challenging the dragon lord. It was an episode 30 years ago I didn't deeply think about it. Now this make me think that having someone who is glad when you are safely back is really encouraging.