Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

From the moment I entered university, I had a strong (wrong) belief that I was unwanted, I was wanted from nowhere. This wrong belief hurt me a lot and prevented my motivation and will to continue my effort and continue to grow. This finally brought me to a dead end in seeking for my career.

Endless fatigue in this may - I felt my body stiff and my mind heavy almost every day, after running a half marathon, and dealing with small tasks, but perhaps I'm seeing the light of the exit of this tunnel of tiredness. Finally I'm regaining the habit of jogging. When I get to love cycling again, I will have been fully recovered. I look back on this may, and notice that there was not a off-duty day really free. Every weekend, I was meddled with small tasks or troubles.

I had a lot of sleep last night, fortunately. My fatigue seemed to be much relieved. Still I feel I want more, especially when I felt a bit sleepy in the afternoon. I feel stuck, little hope in the future, and my body too heavy to start jogging. In what topic would I find hope? What would I offer a topic in what field? Perhaps, homepage and abylimpics (job skill contest)? Still I kind of like computer network technologies. I advanced a bit my study for CCNP switch. These days I'm learning about high availability of gateway with standby router protocols. The atmosphere of supper got somehow sour, when the topic of mass stabbing near Tokyo. The criminal seems to a bit of Hikikomori, and lived with his relatives, who are near the age of my Parents. I didn't know what to say, and I was even at a loss what facial expression to make. 15 minutes before I had failed to make myself understood, (of course in my native and our common language Japanese) when I told the story of two ca...

Yesterday, I lost time of sleeping, by spending time with similarity of video game musics, and roaming around a bit mortifying news. Having hard time with what to write for that day is another reason. Today what-to-write issue is being cleared by writing this. Then the next point will be that I choose to sleep instead of surfing the web after 9 p.m. As a long sleeper, sleeping before 10 p.m. is a key for the quality of my sleep.

I have forgotten that I had placed a shirt on my bed to wear for work, but I actually wore another shirt. I didn't notice this until I was back after work. Probably I will wear the first shirts for work tomorrow. I'm feeling my cognitive capability pretty weaker than usual. Although I don't forget how to do at work, I sometimes forget I had done some preparation and I end up doing them again. I also have a difficulty in controlling my temper. I barely control myself, but it now looks to me much stronger enemy than usual.

This week I want to start with hope. Last Wednesday evening I met with young adults with developmental disorders/ on the autism spectrum, at South Developmental Assistance Center of Sendai. That was a monthly meeting, where participants have an opportunity to share what they felt about life with that disability. For last a few years, I have been feeling this setting as rather a burden than a chance, because I have been feeling that there is nothing to share about the issue. I have been beginning to think that I would rather like to focus on skills which might be helpful in business career, than thinking about help I would need.

I couldn't go to Gassan. I was turned down take my skis on board the highway bus at Sendai station bus terminal. 7 years ago it was OK to take my skis on the bus. The rule has been changed. My 2018-2019 ski season had come to an end with a discouraging happening, but I want to keep my motivation to the next season, maintaining my physical and mental state in tune and turn into the next season in a good condition, although it'll be likely to experience so many ups and downs as with my mental vulnerability along with my autistic characteristic.