Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

My desire to do something is not likely to come back so easily. Since the middle of May, I have lost, and feel like sleeping as long as possible when I have time for leisure. It takes a lot of energy to begin something, even to play a video game.

Today I went to swimming, as usual on Saturday. Walking in the rain, I got to the pool 30 minutes later than usual. I didn't swim right after I got to the pool. Before I swam, I took 30 minutes for warmup. It was good for coping with my mental and physical tiredness, but still I need for exercise.

I don't remember very well about this month. However, it looks like I worked through pretty well. In late May and the entire June, I was too tired to have fun. I didn't even play a video game or a Touhou bullet hell shooter on PC. I hope that in the next month my condition will pick up a bit, enough to enjoy a little bit, and I hope for better weather and I'm able to go to cycling on weekend. Also Abylympics (the regional contest) awaits in 2 weeks. I have learned little about web page creating for months. It's time to remember how to code web pages.

I'm telling story about when I'm listening to a radio English conversation program. This 6-month course is composed of 15-minute everyday session and the monthly textbook. Topics vary by week. Vocabulary in each skit in each topic wasn't so difficult. I only had to learn a few words for each skit or each topic. The problem, which I have come to notice only recently, is that I'm able to easily understand a topic is one thing, but whether I'm able to choose a particular topic for a conversation is quite different. When I was listening to the programs, I meant to study English, but actually I hardly learned about conversation. I learned a lot of vocabulary and expression in the course, and it was a great help to prove "my English proficiency" in some English test. However I failed to acquire an attitude to gather potential topics from my daily experience and news I hear and see every day.

Today was a really hot day, compared to other days recently, in the rainy season. Quality of my sleep last night was unexpectedly low, which made me even easier to get tired.

I wrote 2 times more than I write here now. I was more energetic to write on behave of "aspies". I believed in fellowships of people with autistic spectrum disorders. By chance I looked back on my past blog posts 5 years ago. I made a little more grammatical errors than now, but much more energetic and hopeful when I learn a lot about web coding and commercial design in general. I tried to get inspiration and learn as much as possible from what I see every day for my design proficiency. I tried to learn from ads I see in Sendai station, pamphlets in front of the travel center there and so on. I also had energy and hope to do things around me. I then energetically scan documents of the past to help my room clean. One thing that makes my condition bad in 2014 is that I didn't know how to begin exercise when I feel weary. Sometimes I was so tired that it took pretty long time before I begin an action. Looks like I was sometimes saying to myself that I want to lie...

These days I'm often absent from peer groups I belong in. This group is for people with autistic spectrum disorders. Years ago, I liked it very much, because there I was able to share my thoughts and I got to awareness of myself by interacting with its members. No other place did have a chance to share the idea of how I had struggled at school, how I had failed to have self confidence and self assertion. One reason is my tiredness. There is probably another reason for my absence, for I'm able to go to work with no major problem, but when it comes to go to a session of the group, thinking of it even makes my body and mind heavy. There may be a hidden reason, and probably I feel a much greater mismatch to be in that group even than I'm in my workplace.