Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

When I was taking a timeout from today's worship service because I was so panicked, I was looking the flower bed. I saw several beautiful flowers. I also saw a hairy caterpillar eating a leaf. It seemed to enjoy its meal so much, I went on watching it for a while. A hairy caterpillar is hated by many people for its ugly appearance. The hairs of it looks so sharp that it could sting us. In fact if we touch it, we will be hurt, with skin touching it becoming itchy by its poison in most case, so we do not want to touch it, and sometimes there are so many hairy caterpillars are on the road that it make rather a grotesque sight. As long as we keep a discreet distance it doesn't attack us, so it's not so bad as long as it's in our way or it devours plants very important to us. I'm surprised that I'm expressing a neutral feeling about a hairy caterpillar, but it also reminds me of myself, trying to be harmless by keeping to a discreet distance from other people, ...

"Keep away from him. His stupidity is infectious." Word occurred to me when I'm headed for church this morning. This is probably what I heard when I was in elementary school. I'm always failing to behave. My behavior was so terrible that somebody at school spoke this word to somebody else, when he looked at me. Was I sad then? I'm not sure. I'm not sure whether at that time, at age of 8, recognized my miserable feeling when I heard it, I could recognize this feeling sad. At least it's certain I was miserable at that time. When I recalled this word today, I was both miserable and sad. Why this word I was said more than 30 years ago traveled so slowly that today I feel sad? Fortunately this is not thing of present. No one says this way because I'm still not able to behave fully as an adult.

Recently I check things much more than I was before. Whenever I get off a train, I'm uneasy until I check if there isn't some of my properties left on the train. At work, when I'm about to move into next information to check, I often become doubtful if I've missed something important, or the information I see and I decide this is not what I look for and going to the next information, sometimes I even think that the information I have just gone through as unimportant, may change different information which is really important to me. The frequency I excessively check indicates the degree of anxiety and how is my state of mind, and I hope the frequency of excessive check will be reduced for next week.

This week, my state of mind was so unstable that I thought a lot of things. These days I thought about my future dream when I was a child. Then I was surprised to find myself thinking about days when I was elementary school, afflicted with many troubles in classroom, mainly difficulty in coming to terms with events (classes and human relationships) happening in the school. I had my hands full, and I was troubled so much that I was thinking that there would be no tomorrow or I would be finished the next day, most of the days. Thus, when I began to think about my future dream, at first I ended up in thinking of my difficulties, sufferings, and tiredness before I think about the dream I had when I was a child. More exactly, it looks like that I didn't any clear dream when I was in elementary school, except for I was required to make it public as a homework or an exhibition of a school festival. As a child I didn't understand what a future dream is like as much as some unders...

The state of my mind is being settled, and I'm at a loss what to write. The time when I'm able to write most may perhaps be the time under pressure of or anxiety about the work for the coming day, and now I've been so relieved that I've been rather inactive in writing. I wonder which is better for me, a lot of ideas under great pressure and anxiety, or not many ideas under the environment free from pressure.

I thought a lot of things and wrote a lot on my sketchbook on the train from work, but it may be a sign that my state of mind is going bad. If I continue to write at this pace, I will be so exhausted that it may have a bad effect on my work tomorrow, so it's time I stopped thinking and writing, having a rest consciously.

 Today my mental state was so unstable that I came up with a parallel-world story, which tell how important business manners in my daily work. One day at lunch time, I strayed into a strange world. After on-the-job training I had been grumbling about smallest defects on my business manners and communications being strictly corrected. When I was drinking cabbage juice I became drowsy. The next time I was conscious, I was awaking by a rude shout. It was an announcement on a train. Everyday when I ride a train the announcements on the train I ride to and from work were always polite, so I was surprised at this rude announcement. According to an announcement, the train won't arrive at the central station because of bad behaviors of some maintenance staff and some passengers. I got out of the train and sought another public transport. At the front of the station, there was a bus, with a rude announcement like I had heard on the train, and the front of the bus was a little bit crushed....