Maitta! Always - Daily Amazing Confusions -

I shouted to myself in my room. There wasn't no particular sound or noise then. It's difficult to explain exactly, but probably I shouted to my inner shout (no one would hear because I press deep into my mind) to bear stress. When I'm stressed in a event, sometimes I feel as if I heard my inner cry which I would cry if someone or situation permitted to do. It's a little bit tough for to be in a place where news of some kind of (attempted) suicides. It's fortunate that there is a place for me to retreat.

After supper I took a walk. When started, I thought I was so tired that I couldn't walk any more. I was thinking about a trouble of the air conditioner in my room. Then I thought about the surprise when I learned the usage of "flight". Today I learned that a flight can refer to moving one floor to another with stairs. When I was thinking of those things, I walked really slowly. After I walked 10 minutes, I felt slightly better, so I began to jog but I did still slowly. If I jogged too fast, I couldn't have a good sleep, so I kept the pace slow. In the end I found out that I had jogged since then until I arrive home. My walk, jog and thinking is so slow at home that I sometimes wonder if I'm deteriorating or I'm under depression or other mental disorders. In the day I make every effort to do my best at work, so the gap between in the daytime of weekdays and in the morning or evening, or weekend make me think that I'm pushing myself too hard. I may w...

Today I was so tired that I was inactive. I went to church but I was only able to sit in the chapel at 5 minutes. The rest of time, I was restlessly walked around. More exactly I almost crept and I barely walked. It was wet and a little bit rainy outside. This was a typical day in June, the rainy season this area. It wasn't so hot. After lunch I went home and took a nap for two hours. I was miserable because I didn't feel like talk with anyone. I was thinking to myself, but what I was thinking was too negative to speak out, and express in this post. (This is not so fun, positive, and constructive a post though.) My thought then should be kept in my secret diary, although it's worth while knowing how to express what is the feeling and what and who I'm turning the feeling to. Today may not be not so good a day, but I definitely want to continue to live. This is because I'm thinking I have a lot of things I can show by writing, about odd experiences of ...

I have been told about my ups and downs from my mentors. When I'm down I don't feel like doing anything and feel that I'm not able to do much things. This has really a bad effect on my self image. When I'm fine I'm curious about many things and willing to learn about them, but when I'm down I tend to forget my curiosity and ability when I'm fine. This was a great disadvantage in opportunities to tell about myself, for example know new friends or appeal myself when I seek a job opportunity. Telling about my ability when I'm down is important, because the time I feel bad is longer than I feel that I'm fine. This is not an easy work. When I'm down, it looks like I don't like neither my "unable" self and even "able" self. Now it's worth while making a small effort to like myself that was able to do something at a particular time and especially that help someone else with my "able" self.

Yesterday I thought that my condition had been picked up. This morning I felt so bad that I couldn't do anything until breakfast. I was only viewing some sports news and some information about game on the web. On the train to work, I listened to a newscast and thought a little bit about myself. After I got off the train I watched designs of ads and passers-by, while walking slowly. By the time I arrived at the workplace, I found that my condition wasn't so bad. I was able to work at a relatively good pace. When I leave the workplace, I didn't felt so bad, but at the station, I gave up the train that was about to start. It was so crowded. If I had been really fine, I would take that train, wanting to arrive home as soon as possible. Now I'm thinking: My condition isn't really so bad. At least when I work, I feel relatively good. The problem is the gap of my feeling when I'm at work in the day and when I'm home in the morning and evening. At home r...

What happened today? I asked to myself when I was about to write something to post. It was hard to remember. Why can't I explain very well? Was it because it's awkward to tell about fireflies again because I had told about it the day before yesterday? Am I tired? I couldn't answer very well. Probably ... definitely I am, but I fear that somebody say to me "Again?" In some sense, my condition has been so improved that now I feel much less anxiety than a month ago. Yet, I also found that I'm not so full of energy that I can tell a lot about myself and my daily life. I thought that it was always easy to tell easy, simple, trivial things. For example the things I saw since I left my workplace until I arrive home. About the train, about the station, and about passengers, ads, and after I left the station every stair I take, and telephone poles, roses in the garden of a house on the way, the kittens, and the cars I like to see missing now. If I explained t...

The way home after work I was able to walk at a normal speed. I enjoyed this very much. These days I was so tired that I could walk only slowly, and I didn't feel like having further exercise. Even in that bad state, I continued the habit of walking after lunch and after supper. This is helping me be in shape when I'm released from worry and anxiety.